I think this topic was covered a couple months ago, but it wasn't of portent to me and I don't recall all of the info. Please help.
Last night I was with a civi lady friend sexually for the first time.
During foreplay and the things I was doing to stimulate her I was rock hard and ready to go, however when she would fondle me or
when she started to give me oral I would lose my erection. I would quickly reverse the situation and become erect again and was able to perform, had a super time. BUT, it was awkward, and even though my friend didn't say anything I am sure she was wondering what the problem was. The last thing I want to do is have her second guessing herself.
I could use some advice on how to hopefully avoid this situation
from happening again. Thanks TH
Dear thtwist,
Last night you were with a civvie lady friend sexually FOR THE FIRST TIME? Ok, no wonder. Performance anxiety during "the first time" runs rampant, even amongst the most ardent Lotharios.
From a deeply psychological standpoint - and not many may regard it as such - the male takes a great "risk" by putting his penis in another's mouth. Forget about the metaphorical "vagina dentata" - here we have a real orifice, with teeth and all. From a Kleinian [psychoanalytical/object relations] perspective, the female could really "bite the penis that feeds her." This deeply primal relation between a man and his penis is influential in the sexual interplay and does influence your comfort level.
If she merely fondled you or "started" giving you oral and you immediately lost your erection, it was not due to bad technique - it was due to anxiety and fear. How to avoid the situation again? Familiarity and desensitization. Either get lots of blow jobs from many different women so that it becomes commonplace, or at least get more from her and become habituated to the situation. If it occurs once in a blue moon, the anxiety may resurface again. You will need to feel comfortable and very relaxed before putting it in someone's mouth. Not every man needs this basic level of trust, but some do and you may be one of them.
Practice over and over again and the anxiety will subside,
The Love Goddess
I have to agree with LG and I have first hand experience with this scenario. When I was younger (in my late 20s) I had a complete loss of erection during the first time with a soon-to-be girlfriend. She was taken aback and I was embarrassed but we tried again soon after and the following year was an incredible sexual smorgasbord as we became more and more comfortable and adventurous with each other. To this day, I think back fondly on the sexual repertoire that we developed and intensity we had during our time together.
Don't worry. Just get right back to it and it will be fine.
Last night you were with a civvie lady friend sexually FOR THE FIRST TIME? Ok, no wonder. Performance anxiety during "the first time" runs rampant, even amongst the most ardent Lotharios.
From a deeply psychological standpoint - and not many may regard it as such - the male takes a great "risk" by putting his penis in another's mouth. Forget about the metaphorical "vagina dentata" - here we have a real orifice, with teeth and all. From a Kleinian [psychoanalytical/object relations] perspective, the female could really "bite the penis that feeds her." This deeply primal relation between a man and his penis is influential in the sexual interplay and does influence your comfort level.
If she merely fondled you or "started" giving you oral and you immediately lost your erection, it was not due to bad technique - it was due to anxiety and fear. How to avoid the situation again? Familiarity and desensitization. Either get lots of blow jobs from many different women so that it becomes commonplace, or at least get more from her and become habituated to the situation. If it occurs once in a blue moon, the anxiety may resurface again. You will need to feel comfortable and very relaxed before putting it in someone's mouth. Not every man needs this basic level of trust, but some do and you may be one of them.
Practice over and over again and the anxiety will subside,
The Love Goddess
I am not going to disagree with LG re: anxiety.
One thing I want to ask... if you are used to self-service... then oral is likely less intense. (Oral always seems very soft & gentle unless hand added or teeth (ouch). Self is exactly the right pressure (for quick climax) in just the right spot.
It is very difficult to relax & enjoy the sensations (selfishly, or taking turns).
The other thing is focus. Have the environment free of distractions. Keep your mind in the moment. If I lose focus, I loose some of all of the erection... sometimes even a break in the action (a long pause changing positions) is enough. Renewed focus & resuming stimulation brings the erection back in this example.
I'd suggest that you reassure your partner that you find her attractive, it's not something she's doing. Lump it all under "I'm nervious". Suggest resuming, but go slow & easy & let nature take it's course. What ever happens, happens & you are fine with it.
skb
...too loud, it distracts me from the job at hand and I tend to lose my erection.