I'm married to an escort and would like to get in contact with other Escort Husbands.  How do you handles your feelings while she is out on a date?  I have a hard time sleeping, partially from worrying that she is okay. But my thoughts often go to "there's another man licking, kissing and pleasuring my wife". Any help out there would be appreciated.

Dear trusted1,

If you want to get in contact with other "escort husbands," I doubt that this is the right forum for you. While the majority of men may  understand your feelings to a certain degree and empathize with you, it would be fair to say that your situation is definitely in the minuscule minority on this board. You may actually have more luck on the General Discussion board, since it is frequented by many more posters from all over the country.

Of course your feelings are completely understandable. The fact that you have a hard time sleeping may not only signify worry, it may indicate anxiety and low-grade depression. Have you discussed this in-depth with your wife? My best advice for you is actually to meet with a psychotherapist in your area so that you can get some support and sort out your feelings with the help of a mental health professional. If you can bring your wife along, even better. This is not to pressure your wife into quitting work, but only to develop a framework around these issues that you BOTH can live with.

You are in a difficult situation; I would guess that most regular folks out there would pity you in one way, and have contempt for you in another. It may seem very easy to just hang back and let your wife do her thing, but the fact of the matter is that no matter how you look at it, you need to be perfectly OK with her sharing her body with other males. And, it doesn't seem that you are, by the tenor of your posting.

You may also do a search on an escort blog. Type in the words "escort" and "blog" in the search bar and see what comes up. The problem is that many men are loath to admit that their wives/SO's are professional sex workers, or that they are married and living in such a situation. Hence, many of these men will never come forward and remain a hidden population. Also, if your wife signs up for the Providers Only board on TER, she can post a message for other escorts who in turn can put you in touch with their significant others, if that is their wish.


I can tell you one thing - your situation is not as uncommon as one may think. In my own 2008 study of 100 middle to upper-middle class providers, one-fourth reported living with a spouse or a boyfriend/s.o. That is significant and certainly means that the issues you are wrestling with may be part of many of these marriages/relationships.

My vote is still for you to process these issues with your wife in-depth in some kind of therapeutic format - and get a checkup for yourself in terms of depression. After all, she's the other half of the marriage, and it is up to each one of you to help make the other person happy, safe and content.

Hope it helps somewhat,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 6/28/2008 8:14:03 PM

Have you discussed your feelings with your wife?  Would she be open to leaving the business?  Talking to other men in your situation may help, but discussing with your wife seems like the better way to go.  Hope it works out.

I haven't read the book listed in the Related Link. (I just ordered it.)

However, I remember reading an early report of the results of the condom study that Alexa Albert did at the Mustang Ranch. The women who participated had to fill out a form giving background information. My memory is that a quarter gave their marital status as "married." I don't know whether or not they actually lived with their husbands when not at the Ranch. (Some could have been separated, but not divorced.)

I'm sorry that I don't still have the paper on hand to support my memory, but if the 25% figure is generally true there should be a fairly large number of husbands of escorts out there (even though they are a tiny fraction of the general population). Whether or not they want to talk about their situation is another question.

You definitely aren't alone.  I almost got outed by an S.O. of a provider when she travelled with me for an extended period.  He just couldn't handle it.

Rough on me, rough on her- she ended up retiring.

Did you marry her knowing that she was an escort? Did she start doing it after you were married? If so, was it behind your back or with your blessings? I'm not trying to bust your chops here, I am genuinely curious as I have had this discussion with a recently separated fav of mine.

I knew she was an escort when we got married. I seemed to be able to deal okay for the first couple years when I thought it was just a job.  But recently there have been reviews posted on TER and I realize she really enjoys it.  I guess that's not a bad thing, don't we all wish we could enjoy our jobs.  I try to look at it that way, but my mind keeps going to the thoughts of another man licking, kissing and nibbling all over her body.  Maybe I'm just afraid she is trying to find someone to replace me.

-- Modified on 6/30/2008 7:40:53 AM

Look at the brighter side, she pays the bills and makes enough you can retire.

Most people, including escorts, enjoy sex.  Honestly, if she didn't she wouldn't be very good at her job. That being said, Sex, for pleasure or for profit, is not the same thing as sharing a committed relationship with another human being. Believe me, a good escort knows how to make a guy feel like the king of the world for an hour or two without falling in love with him. It's a job and part of it is being able to compartmentalize your feelings and emotions.

What is different now as opposed to when you first got married? If it is just a few TER reviews I have to say you have probably been skating on thin ice from the start. She is doing the same things with other men now that she did before you married her. Is it possible that you had convinced yourself that she would stop escorting after you were married?

I feel the same way, as you do,  when I read the reviews of my atf.

On one level, I have never been jealous.  When my current wife and I were out with another couple before we were married, I made the mistake of saying that if my then fiance had an affair while visiting another city and enjoyed it, I would be happy for her.  (She barely spoke to me for a week or so.) I believed what I was saying though who knows how I would have really reacted. On another level, jealousy is so deep and irrational that one can not control nor predict when it will hit.  As my first marriage was ending, I became infatuated with a wildly sexy looking, not very bright, somewhat boring, and not very good in bed lady.  At first, I recognized that there was no fit and hoped she would find someone else.  When she did, and for no apparent reason, I was struck with a wild jealousy. It was uncontrollable and --to this day, 25 years later-- I do not understand it. I think LG has given good advice.  In a marriage, jealousy can --as we all know-- be very destructive.  I have no doubt that being married to an escort takes a certain maturity and sense of mutual trust which you seem to have, but when destructive emotions start to strike, it would be good for the two of you to work them out with a therapist --assuming you can find a good one.
By the way, I have fantasized being married to one or another of two of my favorites from time to time, convinced that I could handle her profession as long as I was the one she came home to.  Who knows if I would have your strength and maturity.

-- Modified on 6/30/2008 12:22:48 PM

I think all of us go through times in our lives when we have feelings of inadequacy, to one extent or another.  Something happens to shake our self-confidence.  Just remember that she can have those feelings too.  Did it ever occur to you that perhaps  your marriage anchors her, gives her a bit of normalcy in a world full of crazy people?  She probably needs you just as much as you need her.  You need to talk to her before it gets out of control.  Seriously.  Where the therapist really helps is in providing you both with a way to say what you feel without being hurtful.  In fear, we can often say or do things we regret later.  Therapy can help you avoid that and learn to communicate more effectively.  But whatever you do, dont just wait and hope it gets better all by itself.  

I've been where you are.  I hope it works out for you.

I feel for ya.  In the same situation I'd probably also convince myself that it's only a job.  But your last line is what would haunt me no matter how hard I ignored it.  If you and your wife are honest with each other, I'd say the best thing might be to talk with her about it.  Or better, go to a therapist but with your wife like LG suggested.

hi trusted1. you're certainly not alone, there are many husbands of escorts out there, who are aware of their wife's professions and have to deal with the potential emotional issues that may eventually arise.

i am married (very happily btw), and have been escorting continuously now for about a year and a half, after doing it sporadically in the past (a special date here and there). my Husband and i have been married for about 6 yrs, together for 8. so unlike your situation, escorting was something that came up for us well after our relationship had been established. it was a decision we made together, a fantasy we both shared, so we went ahead with it. He is not directly involved in the "business," but he helps me quite a bit with screening and such, and he knows everything significant about all of my clients. this is not something i hide from clients, i think it adds a measure of safety for people to know that a girl is not alone in the world, that she has someone out there watching out for her and protecting her. and of course the knowledge that she is madly in love with someone and in a solid relationship can help to keep the lovestruck types under control.

my Husband's main concern when i see a client is that i will be safe. but the way i operate is very low risk...getting to know potential clients very well (by email and phone) before discussing a meeting, being extremely selective, primarily doing incall in my own home, etc. so the Hubby only really gets nervous when i'm seeing someone for the first time. He doesn't share your worry over me enjoying myself with other men. He wants me to be a good girl, to represent him well and please other men to the best of my abilities. if i happen to find any pleasure in it myself along the way, that's fine with him.

it sounds like you are very insecure in general, and that's the issue i think you need to address here above all else. you should feel very secure in your place as Husband/Mate/Lover, understand that you are the one who owns her heart and who she is committed to, and understand sex for what it is...a physical drive, nothing more or less.

Dear Trusted1,

I have to share my experience as a married escort. I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 9 years. We are 100% completely devoted to eachother. I have been an escort for about 20 months. Let me tell you what makes me love my husband so much. He does not judge me. He worries about me being safe, sure, but he never judges me. I absolutely need him in my life. If it was not for his support, intelligence and strength that he gives me in life I honestly do not know what I would do.

You sound like you imagine that your wife may enjoy her "clients" more than she enjoys you. She does not. YES she may enjoy her job, as good escorts are want to do but I guarantee that she does NOT love any of them. Sure, she likes them, she gets off with them and in turn, they keep her in business.

My husband looks at this like it is another job. He and I are extremely close. I love him to bits and he feels the same about me. He has only ever expressed concern about my safety and that is all. One suggestion however is that you stop reading her reviews. That will not do anything for you but ensure that you imagine those things happening to her when she comes home to you.

Talk to her about it. Ask her about those things and truly tell her how it makes you feel. If she really really loves you she will work with you to find a solution.

~An Escort Wife

I agree with you about therapy up to the point where you say that it helps "in providing you both with a way to say what you feel without being hurtful." IMO I would replace "hurtful" with "destructive." The role of therapy is not to protect someone from pain, but I can help one deal with it constructively. The truth about ourselves often hurts. Someone we care about can say something that hurts us just by reflecting how they see and experience us. But, therapy can help two people communicate their feelings in such a way as to prevent any damage to the other person's sense of self and/or prevent ruptures in the relationship. Or, if there is such damage or ruptures, they can be repaired.

As in training for something, say like the martial arts, people get hurt by their sparing partners, but if each person abides by certain rules, each person gets stronger, faster, smarter and more agile. The same is true with couples, and any relationship. If the rules are followed that protect one another from physical and emotional destruction, not pain, everyone can grow in their abilities and self-esteem.

The beauty of Humans is our feelings but we man also grow up to be posesive. all its in the mind, control your mind and you'll find life to be easy.  Just remember nobody owns anybody and respect others like you want to be respected.  Self confidence is very important.

No, I pay all the bills.  She makes her fun money, shopping and gambling.

Thanks for the responses. I had time to do some soul searching, and after reading some of the responses, I realize it is just a job for her.  I am the one she comes home to.  even though she screens well, I will always worry about her safety, but she has agreed to let me know where she is going and when to expect her home.

Wow,
Trusted you got better control of your emotions than most men, me included, my hats off to you sir.

Two or three tough questions guys often ask themselves for anyone considering being the one she comes home too, in no particular order. most guys that are honest answer no.

A) would you let (want) your daughter to escort
B) would you let (want) your Mother to escort

Trusted you have already answered the one about your wife. knowing that your wife does not have to do it for cash makes it even tougher to deal with, on the other hand at least yo do not have to feel like a pimp. you should feel some of the things you feel, the day you do not is the day you no longer care I guess. it's normal to feel the way you do, ask yourself......will it end some day, the escorting I mean. If no can you endure for the long haul........

I think where your downfall here is that you read her reviews and now you are dwelling on them.
It was simple thinking she was not enjoying herself, and it was like going to the office for her, just a job.
I can tell you first hand, It is seperate from your real life and seperate from your feelings you enjoy with  the loved ones in your real life.
Yes, she enjoys her work, the connections, sex and friendships she has made, but it does not compare to what she shares with you in every way is completely seperate and not the same in any way. In the end...it's a business.
Get therapy as was suggested, talk with your wife about your feelings, try Not to dwell on what may be and could be happening, and for Godsake do yourself a favor stop torturing yourself and quit reading her reviews!! Truely it's not a place you belong if you wish to keep it all seperate. It's placing everything under a microscope and disecting it , thats way to harmful to your mental health.
Don't ask for details, don't pry into the nitty gritty and DO NOT read her reviews again!! Try n go back to believing it is as SHE tells you it is. A business...

Good luck!!

There is a saying, "Ojos que no ven, corazon que no llora" - Why torture yourself by reading the reviews. That is like putting salt on a wound. There appears to be a feeling you need to deal with. Perhaps you are worried she may take off with one of her clients. I don't blame you. Perhaps it's time to revisit the beginning of your marriage and ask yourself why did you marry an escort. Maybe it's time for her retirement. It takes plenty to fill the shoes of an escort's husband. You really have to take a backseat. Find a qualified and open minded therapist and work this out in your own mind. Sooner rather than later. Don't be too hard on yourself. Love is for the lucky and in your case, the strong.
Best of luck to you.
Vannessa

just curious, but why would you say that an escort's husband has to take a back seat? i can't say i agree with that at all, one's Husband should always come first.