Dear iketucker,

Yep, it sure is a dilemma, but not something that can't be overcome. My approach is always to be as honest as possible when these things happen, in order to minimize drama and get to the heart of the matter.

Your posting doesn't go into the extent of your negative feelings about this. It talks about her feelings of "egregious breach of trust" and other issues, but it doesn't say what you really feel about her "flirtations" with women [I'm assuming that's who she's emailing with?] Or is it both men AND women? Actually, it seems to me that you are reaping some kind of sexual benefit from it, and that it's "hard to want to mess with that." If that's truly how you feel and it doesn't matter to you what she does on her own time, then I suppose you can treat it as a personal matter for her and let it go. As you say, if it's a "fantasy" life and you can recognize it for what it is, then just leave it be.

Now, if you really feel awkward about confronting her, AND you are having some emotional issues with this, then go back to the couples therapist and disclose in the presence of a professional. And then get back to working out some compromises in your relationship. But if this is all about "calling her out on her apparent hypocrisy," then I would urge you to stop and think of this from an evolutionary standpoint. When a woman feels threatened, it's not all sexual - she is concerned, sometimes even unconsciously so, about her partner's resources being diverted away from her and her offspring. It's less about sex and more about the emotions that could lead you astray. So the big threat in you having a "romance" with someone else is threatening to her, because it could lead to the physical loss of you and your resources. Please think of this in evolutionary terms - like someone living in a pre-literate society. As for you, it's not the same. Men get sexually jealous because of potential paternity/cuckolding issues. Those same resources that you are providing to her and her offspring should not be diverted to offspring that you have not sired - again, this is an evolutionary atavism that still spooks our monkey brains. But if it's another woman who just gets your lady's juices flowing - what kind of threat does she represent? A penisless being? And that's why I believe men are perhaps less threatened by their wife having some female-female experiences that never lead to offspring/paternity issues, than if she were carrying on with some hunk ready to whisk her off into another world of sex and romance.

If you can overlook your wife's anger at you last summer and instead just recognize that she is a bisexual being [like so many women] and that her bisexuality and search for fantasy is actually netting you some enjoyable nookie, then don't bother raising the issue. You won't win anything by it. Your sex life will go back to worse and your wife will still be angry and upset. Yes it's not entirely fair if you want to keep a score, but life isn't always fair. And who knows, maybe this will make your wife realize that you too may need something else in order to keep those home fires burning. Just let her come to that realization herself and you may find yourself in a very interesting situation.

Polyamory anyone,
the Love Goddess