I am a 23 year old young man and a few months ago, I got really tired of waiting for the right lady. I ask young women out and they ignore me, they always be falling for the a$sholes. Those that did go out with me, only played with my emotions and then dumped me. I felt so disappointed, angry, and tired of not getting any love in my life. I did not want to become the next 40 yeard old virgin. I decided to meet a provider, I went for a GFE and I had a great time.
But lately, I have felt guilt because I have given a valuable part of me to someone who I know little about and established no love connection with, but it was just a great rendezvous I must admit.
I was raised as a Christian and I was always taught to value my "virginity" and to not give it away. But I already did, and sometimes I feel guilty about it. I gave away a part of me, that I can never get back. But at least, I really enjoyed my time with her. She was awesome.

Please share your advice, need your help.

Dear hungrylion1,

There are many religions and many beliefs - Christianity is but one of them. I can't talk you out of your faith, but one thing is for sure - don't you think God gave you the ability to satisfy a woman for a reason? Please be happy that you are learning to enjoy yourself sexually and also training yourself to be proficient in making sure your wife, should she come along within a not too distant future, will not have a husband who will be bumbling in bed or even potentially hurt her.

Instead, you will be a husband who can be gentle with your wife (who knows, maybe she'll be a virgin too) and not be clumsy. You will be able to understand a woman's sexual response and you will be able to make sure that the first time you have sex with her will be a joyful and pleasant experience for her.

In the olden days, men were not really supposed to be virgins for that reason. Women yes, men no. With Victorianism came a new sort of Christianity that also insisted that masturbation was evil and that both genders should remain "pure" until their wedding night. But that cultural precept has only existed for about 150 years - prior to that, many God-fearing Christians took their sons to brothels so that they would get the first time squared away.

In my opinion (and it's an opinion, folks) guilt is a wasted emotion. Be happy that you have fulfilled something that God wants you to do; not be someone who unintentionally hurts or sabotages your future wife's first wedding night, whenever it should arrive.

I say practice more and make sure you get very good at satisfying a woman - in the Jewish faith, it's grounds for divorce on the woman's part, so you can just imagine how crucial it is that men get it right!

Have fun and become a great lover,
The Love Goddess

You lost one thing but gained another, experience.  Everything is a trade-off in life and the sooner that is understood the happier you can be.  Don't put things on a pedestal because inevitably the build-up and the reality never match and that only leads to disappointment.  

Really virginity is just "insurance" for the other partner that there are no existing children and disease in the mix.  If you hobby safely you can make the same assurances to a future bride.

Relax.  If God wanted you dead he'd have stuck you down already.

Virginity is highly over rated / over valued as official propoganda.  It seems that many who preach "VIRGINITY" insist on it for others but not for themselves.  If one reads the Bible, virginity was certainly not the norm.  

In my humble opinion you have not given away a "valueable part of yourself".  What you have done is had a first experience so that you will understand what sex is about.  

Sex with a provider can be physically fantastic but only the illusion of the emotional connection.  Knowing how to enjoy sex...  how to be a good lover for yor eventual partner... is a great confidence builder.  

Very few people...  even the most religious...  end up with their first partner, forever.  It's just reality.

I'm fast approaching my 60th year.  I was never a man about town...  and still am not.  But I know better how to please my lover...  which is what seals the relationship.

Best Wishes,
skb    

I have the utmost respect for those who have genuine faith in a higher power, although I am not one of them.  If you feel you have breached your faith, you probably did.  But own your mistake and move on.  Your God is pretty big on forgiveness, as I read the Sermon on the Mount.

You shoulda sold it!

Seriously, though. If you believe that Jesus meant it when he said that if you've thought it, you've done it, then you lost your virginity a long time ago.

Christianity, as well as many other systems of thought, attempt to get people to repress sexuality in order to channel that energy into other pursuits. It has nothing to do with being clean or pure.

I will strongly recommend that you use your experience with providers to gain some skills and confidence with the ladies and then venture out into the civvy world. It would be easy to begin to rely too much on the fantasy.

And, think about this:  Prostitutes are reviewed fairly well in the Bible.  Remember the gal at Jericho who let the Israelite spies into the city?  She was a prostitute.   Mary of Magdalen?  She was a prostitute.  At least one prostitute was in the genealogy of Jesus.  Guilt is over-rated ...and used by some to manipulate others.

I certainly agree with WW that at your age, you should take advantage of the opportunities providers offer to become a great lover.  It also keeps a guy from being insane while dating civies.
HOWEVER, do not take yourself out of the dating pool.  I made this mistake as a much younger man; I tied myself down in a dead end relationship while others my age were finding partners.
One last thing.  There are certain aspects of the hobby that you take with you to the grave.  If you are in a relationship, you can say you've had girl friends.  (You never say just how many hours they were your GF for!)
You NEVER tell anyone.  You don't tell your best friend.  You don't tell your buddy.  (A secret is only a secret when you are the only one who knows.)  The last thing you need is a drunk buddy or former best friend blabbing.  NEVER give anyone that power over you.  

It's a lot easier to be social with women when you're not horny beyond belief.
Best Wishes,
skb

Everyone has addressed the hobby issue quite adequately. But, I keep wondering about the: "Those that did go out with me, only played with my emotions and then dumped me." Now, most of us guys can identify with that remark. Though, some of us experience that, learn from it, and move on, while others of us experience it, and become more angry and resentful, and it clouds our perspective about women and dating. It might be time to get some feedback from friends, and access what might have been your contribution to why your various relationships did not work. If you are feeling like you are not making any progress in developing the type of relationships you desire to have, with a woman, it could be time to seek a therapist to work through these issues. A women can pick up, quite quickly, when a man she is dating, is harboring negative expectations and resentments toward her, and she will dump him like a hot potato.

Now, if I've read too much into what you wrote, I apologize.

You've had an important developmental experience that has now opened up an entirely new part of your life.  The only issue is what do you do now as you move forward with your life?

I'm not a religious person so I didn't share your view as to the value of your virginity.  Frankly, I couldn't get rid of mine fast enough and it still took me until I was 19, and it certainly wasn't for lack of effort on my part.  But it was for some of the reasons you stated.

It's tough for many men your age to have decent relationships with young women, because young women have all the power in the relationship.  Young women are frequently immature and can be impossible in dating situations- mainly because they can get a way with it!   It gets easier for men as they get a little older.  And somewhere around age 35-40, the roles (power positions) reverse- so don't feel like you're alone in this regard. All except the best looking 10 % of the male population have been where you are now.  And yes, it's true, most hot young women are attracted to losers, bad boys and other dangerous types.  It's a developmental defect, for lack of a better term, that most will, hopefully, outgrow.  

Someone also posted that maybe you should spend a little time looking at yourself and how you're approaching dating.  This is good advice, because while it's not always true, when a repeating pattern emerges with many different women, you become the only constant in the equation.

Also, not to criticize your beliefs, but if you placed such a high value on your virginity, you may have been bringing some attitudes to your dating that weren't shared by the women you were trying to get something started with.

I know this might sound crass or even cynical at this point because you've only had one sexual experience, but the older I get (I'm in my 50's) the more often I find the words "it's just" preceding the word "sex."

Sex is a normal part of a balanced life, and while I certainly wouldn't suggest you should try to become a player, I would recommend you avail yourself of more sexual experiences, as LG and others suggested.  At your age, sexual encounters are very important learning experiences.  Maybe not for everybody (like the guys on the General Discussion Board), but certainly for a guy like you.  Because every time you have sex with someone, you learn about yourself too.  When I was dating, I always felt that you never really knew someone until you had sex with them- it's that revealing.

And I offer you up as "Exhibit A."  Look at all the thinking and emotions that your first sexual encounter has created.  You're questioning all sorts of things and trying to make sense of it all.  That's great news, because it means you're maturing, evolving as a person, and developing another facet of your being- all very good things.

I also agree with others who say that at your age you shouldn't rely on providers in lieu of dating relationships.  At 23, you need to get out there and learn to be with, and relate to women, even if it's a painful process.  I can tell you that even at my age I feel like a rookie every time I meet someone I find attractive.  But if you short-circuit this process by relying on paid sex, you'll never develop those important social skills.  

Unlike the guys on the General Discussion board, I think the guys on this board know that sex is more than just banging one out as often as you can with as many women as you can.  I don't think sex should ever be reduced to that- even if you're paying!

Sex is the primary means by which men and women connect with each other.  You can talk (or if you're a man, listen) all day, but when it comes to reaching a deeper level of connection, it's usually the sexual sharing that does it.

As a result, on one level, I think all sex is serious.  But on another level, I also think it's all "just sex."  I don't see that as an inconsistency.  You should never trifle with someone's emotions, even if a LT relationship isn't in the cards.  Every sexual encounter should be respectful of the other person.  But if there is a great gift that you're giving to another, it isn't your virginity IMO, it's an enjoyable, satisfying, and respectful shared sexual experience with another.

Rather than placing a high value on your lost virginity, I think with more experience, you'll learn to realize that the greatest gift for any man is a  woman that accepts him into her body - even if she's a provider.  After all, if it weren't valuable, why WOULD all these guys be paying $3-500 or more for just an hour!   I think mature men learn that being one half of a great sexual experience with another human being is the true "valuable part" of yourself that you're sharing.  And the more you grow as a person, the greater that value becomes for both you and your partner.  Just remember to enjoy yourself in the process.  After all, it's just sex!

-- Modified on 3/10/2010 7:02:01 PM

I think your post is very cute, it's so hard to find guys that are sentimental.
I am sure you will find a lady that will give you lots of love.
You don't have to feel guilty, sex is a beautiful thing and it is to be enjoyed.
Like the Love Goddess said, make sure you get lots of practice so when your true love arrives you know how to make her happy.


Never give up on Love!


xoxo
L

-- Modified on 3/10/2010 7:44:32 PM

Ask yourself what's better: losing your virginity to a gorgeous provider who pleasured you tremendously and taught you some things in the process, or losing your virginity to a civvie girl who you felt very little attraction to and started dating only because she showed interest in you?  My first time was the second option, and honestly, I don't feel much more proud of myself than I would if lost my v-card to a provider.  In fact, I don't even count it in some cases.

It sounds like you were overcome by a bad case of desperation, so it most likely, it would be one of these scenarios.  In your case, the provider you saw helped you overcome your desperation.  Now that you're a non-virgin, you will able to face the civvie dating world with a lot more confidence than you would if you didn't let the provider take your virginity.  So don't regret your decision even for a second.  But at the same time, don't neglect civvie dating because of this great thing you discovered.  Dating can be very rewarding, despite the fact that not being desperate is practically a prerequisite for it.  And you already fulfilled the prerequisite, so consider yourself ready to ask girls out again.

-- Modified on 3/10/2010 10:38:50 PM

-- Modified on 3/10/2010 10:39:37 PM

I have reread the OP & the replies including my own...  and came up with a further single lesson to take away.  Post sex there seems to be a flood of emotions to the male...  hormones, most likely.  It is very easy to fall for or think you're falling for the lovely lady who provides us with great sex.  In cave man days, it was the way to protect the women & children (off-spring).  
However, we may NOT be "In Love" with the lady we just had great sex with.  As a much younger man, I failed to keep my emotions in check.  I married her, despite plenty of huge "red flags" and flashing warning signs a decision which cost me 5 years of my life when I could have been with someone who appreciated me and probably 100K.  
What does this have to do with client/provider relationships?  It sees that many men...  even myself...  do have feeling for Favorite providers.  But it is not LOVE.  I'm not going to say it NEVER happens, but is so rare as to be remarkable.  I'd say about a week after seeing a Fav Lady, my hormones return to normal & I get my feet back on the ground.  
This knowledge is a useful tool that definately carries into the world of civie dating.  
I truely hope this is of use to you.
skb

Hungry Lion - in my civvie life prior to becoming a provider I dated a very nice guy who thought like you did.  To him sex belonged in the confines of marriage and anything sexual we did would send him on a guilt trip.  I finally had to break up with him.

For starters you should be dating and getting to know single ladies not thinking that this relationship must lead to marriage  - many of us ladies will run the opposite direction if the man is looking at the first couple of dates as possibly leading into something like a life long commitment.

Dating should be fun, a way to get to know different types of women and find out what personalities you like - not just what you like physically.  (even if it does develop into a serious relationship, a lady in her 20s may change quite a bit physically by the time she is in her middle age, so you better like her personality as well as her physical body).

Sex should not be reserved for marriage -  if I'm dating someone and they tell me we can't have sex  til we are married,  thats the end of the relationship for me.  I date because I enjoy everything about dating - various activities, getting to know someone on a deeper level, and enjoying sex with that person.  I don't want to be told I have to wait til I'm married to have sex - I'm not looking to get married anytime in the near future and thats an unrealistic condition to be placed on me.


As far as the religious aspect of it, have you noticed the people preaching saving yourself til marriage are usually married themselves?   Its easy to tell someone else how to live when you don't have to live it yourself.

Good luck and I hope you start viewing dating as the fun enjoyable activity it is without viewing every potential date as a possible life partner before you've even had a few good dates together.

From the point of view of most Christian denominations, sex with anyone to whom you are not married is the sin of fornication.

It would be the same sin whether committed with a provider or a girlfriend; except that sex with prostitutes is specifically prohibited whereas there is at least *some* academic Christian support for sex outside of marriage when the two people love each other and are exclusive. (See "The Living Commandments" by Spong)

But, also, from the perspective of most Christian denominations; in fact, the very core idea of Christianity; is that you may be ABSOLVED of Sin.

And, if you are a Christian, you already know how your sin may be absolved. Yes?

Others have spoken of Judaism here; but it should be understood that Christianity has similarities, as it takes the Tanakh as its core before appending the New Testament.

For example, if you read 1 Corinthians, you will see that even though sex without marriage is condemned, SO IS MARRIAGE WITHOUT SEX. The man is likewise expected to please the wife (1 Cor 7:33) and she him (1 Cor 7:34). So the responsibility in Christianity is similar, but bilateral.

Just as an aside; there is nothing in the Bible speaking against anal or oral sex and; in fact, Song of Songs indicates these were used to alleviate sexual tension in females without technical loss of their virginity.

Likewise, it is often assumed that Christianity (as written in the Bible) is hostile to lesbianism when, in fact, it is not. It is only male homosexual ACTS (not the persons themselves) which are condemned as sinful. (This prohibition was carried over from the Hebrew texts and reiterated in the Greek.)

Catholicism is more stringent in that ANY issue of semen undertaken voluntarily (including masturbation) is a loss of virginity for purposes of purity.

What does this all mean in plain English?

From a Christian perspective, you have sinned. But you regret that Sin. If your sins are washed clean by the blood of Christ; they are absolved.

Once they are absolved, you are pure before the Almighty; and there's no use crying over spilled milk.

From a Christian perspective, you should pursue a monogamous relationship with a woman of shared values with whom sex -- seen in Christianity as a gift from the Almighty -- may be enjoyed. And you are both, within that relationship, expected to pleasure each other bilaterally.

This is not to take away from other opinions others have given from other perspectives. But you are a Christian, so I thought it might be useful to give you a Christian answer.

By way of disclosure; while I was ONCE a minister; I am no longer a Christian. So the above comes from the head and not the heart.

Another poster commented that you may have been feeling a bit of desperation and would have made 1 of 2 bad decisions. Also, in your post, you mentioned that you were tired of waiting. So it sounds to me like you aren't so upset about losing your virginity (after all, you wouldn't have done it if it didn't REALLY want to), but more upset that there wasn't more MEANING behind. I went through the exact same thing. I think you are expressing a feeling of loneliness through guilt. After all, had you met a beautiful girl that really liked you and had sex with her without getting married or even being in a serious relationship, would you still feel all this guilt?? Ask yourself that. I bet the answer would be NO.

So hang in there. Most likely you are feeling more unwanted and lonely that actually guilty. And that guilty feeling will fade away. So now that you have made the leap, do what makes you happy and what you need until you find someone that loves you for who you are. Try not to worry and enjoy your life. And smile, knowing your first time was probably better than all of your friends, hahaha.

it's easy to be virtuous if you've never been asked!!

Thanks for your advice.

It all depends on the meaning of the word "virginity" - just define it as intercourse with a lover; the unless you are in a loving relationship, sex with a provider is not giving away your virginity.