I was writing a reply on sleep habits on the GD board & thought of an issue with my SO. She does not like to be touched! She claims (I have to believe her) that just about any touching feels like tickling. Would never consider a massage... sounds like torture to her. Cuddling is a "stay still & don't move proposition." This makes spontanious sex out of bounds... by appointment only! Call me sensitive but I miss the intimate subtile undercurrent of sexuality (delayed) of cuddling.
She would not even think of sex, if I did not ask, has never initiated sex in 20 years of marriage. When she consents to sex, there is a long build up of kissing foreplay, body to her T shirt. Eventually the shirt comes off & she does enjoy it (O).
I do not understand this extreem ticklishness. Is it common? Are there others like this?
skb
If so she may have what's called Tactile Defensiveness. Supposedly this is why Hanes made a tee shirt, with Michael Jone as the persona behind it, because he couldn't stand the cloth tags in the bag of the neck line. So, it might not just be extremely ticklishness, but see if she is sensitive to other tactile sensory input.
Dear shudaknownbetter,
Although research has not shown why some people are more ticklish than others, your SO's response seems almost tinged with anxiety regarding touch in general. From your description, she is in need of an extremely controlled physical environment - are you sure she was not sexually molested as a child or abused as a teen?
Her response does not seem usual, in that "any touching feels like tickling." If you really want to get to the bottom of this, you may need to visit a neurologist or a rheumatologist. Some of these responses could indicate fibromyalgia, or the beginnings thereof.
As I am not a physician, I cannot advise anything else but a thorough medical investigation. On the other hand, if it's not distressing to her, then I suppose taking things slow and deliberate may be her way of really controlling the sexual experience to her liking.
Sex by appointment only - isn't that what you have with providers?
The Love Goddess
I have taken the opportunity to again ask questions about her adversion to touch.
I had never heard of "Tactile Defensiveness" before. I had to Google it. There are other traits that do indeed fit.
She does have problems with clothing labels & a dangling thread triggers this response.
She claims to only mind "light touches" but I have never been able to find a level of affectionate touch that is acceptable. Any more firm, would likely leave bruises!
She has never allowed contact during sleep... moves away if I try to snuggle. {Let me define snuggling to mean contact with no expectation of sex & my positioning to prevent annoying prodding.} With a King bed, it's pretty much like sleeping alone. Intimacy does not equal sex, necessarily... This seems to inhibit what I think of as real intimacy. Am I all wet?
She claims she's been this way her whole life. She denies sexual abuse. But has always been extreemly modest & has never allowed me to see her body... not even underwear... except for sex. Good Catholic upbringing.
Her mother had serious depression & lengthy hospitalizations throughout her life... required medication into her later years. I don't know how this might play into it.
Yup, sex by appointment... if I can get an appointment.
skb
I had it, as a child. No one could touch me, going to the doctor for an exam was very difficult. I attribute it to general fear and suspicion of others due to issues in my childhood. Over the years I have been able to get over it, trust people and I now very much enjoy light touch. How does she feel about firm touch?
I also saw, a long time ago, a lifetime special on children who received inadequate touch in the early formative years. These children develop a skewed value for human life and the little girl in the special tried to kill members of her family. When touched or hugged she screamed and struggled, but in the end that was what cured her.
Dear Funcooker69,
What you are describing is Reactive Attachment Disorder. Please read the link about this most heartbreaking syndrome.
Good thing you didn't have that,
The Love Goddess
True that! It was really heartbreaking to learn about those children. Thanks for the link.
Since her mother was absent for virtually all of her childhood... I can not help but wonder if there might be a link that she's not aware of.
skb
The most critical time for RAD to develop is in the first 3 years of life. Infants placed in NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Units), due to significantly pre-mature birth, or medical reasons, for more than a week or two are susceptible, as are those who do not respond to the mother's holding and feeding due to illnesses, colic, tactile defensiveness or hearing problems. If the mother cannot get into a state of maternal pre-occupation, due to the child's rebuffing her attempts to nurture, or she finds the child unacceptable for some reason, say appearance, inconsolibility, etc., there develops a dynamic that can foster RAD.
Same as my wife and she was sexually molested and does need to control her environment, has to initiate sex and hates intimacy.