I know of one provider who schedules appointments two or three times a week and then takes the rest of the week off. She has a significant other, but tells me it's sometimes hard to separate her feelings for her paying and non-paying lovers.

Another ATF tells me she hasn't had a civilian lover for months, and that her clients satisfy her needs for intimacy and sex. I'm curious as to how this interplay of lovers affects a provider and her relationships in the non-paying part of her world?

When married, there was always the need to be emotionally and physically availiable (though not so much the latter), to my wife.

There is also the need to be able to seperate the the hobby life's many emotional goings on from friends, family as well as the SO.

I was able to manage it pretty well, but sometimes it wasn't all that easy.

Like so much in life, important things require effort but it is worthwhile.

And why do you care?
Does it affect you? Are you writing a book? Obsessed with what goes on behind the curtain?
They do what they do, we do what we do, and the envelope remains constant.
Don't over-complicate.

It never fails, someone asks a question that he or she wants an honest answer to, and someone else has to degrade the OP.  Why?  It's just a question, asking for an answer.  If you didn't want to answer his question, why did you have to blast the OP?  IMHO, you are an asshole.

Swim

"And "love" is such a tricky word anyway.  We love ice cream, Mercedes, aunts, children, pets, TV shows....  But each "love" is different.  Not better or worse, no more or less "real" than another - just different.

Loving inanimate objects is a certain path to self destruction.    
Ice cream or TV shows will never love you back .They will only make you fat.
Loving the one you're with is fine .I do it all the time.
   

I suppose anything is possible, but I can't see how any provider could have a real boyfriend. They would just be a liability since they are financially stable on their own efforts. Plus who would want to date a provider knowing most of her clients are a lot richer. smarter, funnier and experienced then they could be.

During my time in this demimonde I've had boyfriends and husbands.  It has never been difficult to 'separate' my feelings regarding the gents I see professionally and those I see personally.  I feel essentially the same thing for both, though I suppose that's because my emotional nature is polyamorous and not monogamous.  I don't believe love is a thing to be divided among people with the result of having less to 'give' someone new - I believe it is a thing that is multiplied by the number people you share it with.  

The gents I see are all successful professionals with mostly the same personality characteristics of the men I've had civilian relationships with.  I happen to find a wide variety of traits attractive and endearing so even if a gent isn't the most physically attractive, chances are I'm intrigued and turned on by a plethora of other traits. (I've dated some men others would call ugly and spent time with some stunningly hot clients, as well as the reverse.)

And "love" is such a tricky word anyway.  We love ice cream, Mercedes, aunts, children, pets, TV shows....  But each "love" is different.  Not better or worse, no more or less "real" than another - just different.  I tend to "love" my clients in simply a different way.  

I truly see my professional dates as just that - dates.  I want to know what makes him tick (in and out of the bedroom); I want to know a little about his history so I can understand better why he sees the world as he currently does.  I want to know a little about his present life so I can better empathize with his stresses and joys.  I want to know what his passions are, what makes him giggle like a schoolboy, what brings the tears up that he doesn't want anyone to see.  

Now, not every gent wants to be known like that and for some, it's easier to keep things on a strictly physical plane.  Ok!  Game on!  And while those encounters can be tremendously fun on that superficial level, they don't often make for the most satisfying of interactions because human beings do tend to want to connect (in some form or fashion).   I believe that it's when you can connect between the ears (and in theory, in the heart as well) that the connection between the legs is even that much more intense - be it the slow, gentle kind or the chandelier-swinging kind.

Were I an emotionally monogamous type, I'd have to guess that it would be much more difficult to enjoy *both* a private love affair and professional ones. I'd imagine that you would need to shut down a part of your heart/soul/mind and that disconnect would be felt by others (whomever it is that is being shut out).  Someone on the outside would suffer for it, as would the person doing the shutting out.  Finding a way to balance it all seems very difficult from my perspective... but it appears a lot of people do it!

A liability? Love usually is a liability in practical terms, but love isn't practical anyway. That seldom stops anyone from wanting it. It's inevitable if you leave yourself open to it - gravity, fusion, stardust.  

You must think most women to be highly pragmatic if you assume they view their SO's as a liability based solely on their financial status. Not a very common trait in women from my experience.  

As for her clients being richer...some of them were better off than me, no doubt, but very few of my ol' ladies clients were better off financially than HER, so why should she give a fuck?  

Who would want to date one? Someone less traditional who believes emotional and sexual monogomy can be mutually exclusive, or perhaps not even neccessary at all. And certainly a guy whose ego is not as fragile as one who would believe that "most of her clients were smarter, funnier, and more experienced"...MOST of them? Ha, you give them way too much credit, or maybe you give yourself too little.

It's a different sort of lifestyle that doesn't exist in stat-quo black and white - you both need to be comfortable in the grey area. It's not for everyone.

There's a reason so many girls keep their job a secret - because so many guys think like you.

not only do many of us have boyfriend, many of us have Husbands. we are people like everyone else, in need of love, intimacy, and the pure joy of sharing your life with another person. it's not about financial stability. it's about bonding, it's about living.

Very well written and presented in terms of using good wordsmith skills combined with genuinely tangible life experiences. Nevertheless, when I looked up your profile, I was simply floored and I truly envy those who you have already shared yourself with

With regards to OP's question, I often think about these quotes:

"familiarity breeds contempt" and "distance makes the heart grow fonder" Some people (somehow) manage to hold their relationships together, even when they are not applying total physical fidelity to their relationships. Perhaps the "distance" which they apply to their SOs is the mental separation (whether clients or providers) ) as opposed to an actual physical separation.

-- Modified on 10/19/2010 2:52:17 PM

Maybe you, LB, but I believe you would be the first to admit that like all ladies, all providers are not created equal. With a tip of the hat to John, we have to admit that our sample here is a bit skewed.

All that said, this is one of those questions with no real answer. Maybe even a koan (at least to come up with a universal answer).

I think it is fair to say that the more successful ladies, who stay in the business long term, are more adept at the compartmentalization.

I think the one thing we can say is that all folks need physical and emotional intimacy. How they get it and exactly what they need are subject to debate.

What you say sounds all sweet and nice, but I fail to see the "nuts and bolts". Personally, I am a good human being who loves all good people. If someone needs my help, I have always been there, regardless if they are family or just someone on the street.

The criteria most hobbyists use for choosing a provider wouldn't be the same as the criteria they would use for selecting an S.O. A guy can have satisfying sex with a woman he wouldn't ever consider marrying, which I suspect is one reason that "I've fallen and can't get up" is relatively uncommon as a proportion of total hobby encounters.

Unfortunately I have never "bonded" with another human being. I am kind of like the lone ranger, happy to be doing my own thing. But I see your point, it is silly to assume providers are like myself.

Emotion need not be a finite pie such that anything given to one becomes automatically unavailable to another.

Wow. A very heartfelt reply you've done here.

you are missing out on the most beautiful and fascinating facet of the human existence. but you do sound content in your misanthropy...still, shame tho.

I love Mercedes and ice cream a lot more than the rest.  Unless it's chocolate, and then it's moved down with pets.

Well crafted words that say you are in love with another woman. Just say so, no one cares around here. Keeping it real.

OK, the "nuts and bolts" in my marriage is much the same as any other committed relationship with a SO. I too are there for others even if I do not know them but this is different, I put her needs before my own and she for the most part puts my needs first. We both sacrifice for each other both physically and emotionally. I think the reason you don't get it is what you said in a reply to lilli, "Unfortunately I have never "bonded" with another human being." Before I met my wife I would not have understood it myself. Being in love (not lust, infatuation or mutual respect) changes how you see the world. I never understood how empty I was until I was filled with love for my wife. I guess it does sound like something from Oprah or Dr. Phil, but maybe thats why their ratings are so high because it can be real. No relationship is perfect, and everyone does something selfish from time to time, but I would not trade my relationship with my wife for anything, even with its flaws. Sorry you can't see that. It is kind of sad, really.

One day its "do providers date?" the next it's "do providers ever fall in love?"

It's like some people can't get it through their think skulls that providers are women first and sex workers second. You don't hear anyone asking if restaurant workers eat, or if race car drivers ever take a leisurely drive in the country.

WTF do some people find it so hard to believe that providers are just human beings like everyone else?

The lack of personal pronouns reminds me of people who seem to have something to hide. That was my take. As for being straight with your words, I vote you as one of the best. You always seem to have well-crafted, coherent and timely posts, even when you go on one of your famous rants. Smart women are highly desired and more than fuckable in my book, even the ones that are bi-sexual or have a decided preference for women.

P.S. Not really trying to get that close to your personal life, just curious about the intent of your words.

Okay....so.....you're married to a provider.  Given what you've said about the nature of her clients, aren't you the least bit concerned that she will fall for one of her regulars and leave you for one of them?  Ever become worried or jealous?  And what about her safety?  Do you not worry about whether she is with someone who might harm her?   Just curious  

[

But....you're married AND youi hobby.  You even have five reveiws.   So....what are you saying here?

If that were true, I would come out and say it. When have I ever not said what I feel on here?

The love & dynamics of successful (read: healthy) relationships are as varied as the stars in the night's sky. Just because you can't see yourself in such a relationship doesn't mean others share your beliefs.

-- Modified on 10/20/2010 9:50:13 PM

You ask a lot of questions.

What?!