A number of years ago, my siblings and I had gotten together for the first time in about 17 years - having realized how time had past and it had been so long. We were all single moms with 17 kids between us (no child support), working two and three jobs, and never the time and the money at the same time to plan a visit.
BUT, with the internet connection - emails, and cell phones, we are all 'plugged in' to each other and communicate daily, practically. This is all fine and dandy most of the time..
But, I miss having my own life, it seems, and it's really bothering me - this connectedness. I'm one who REALLY has to have my space to begin with! And this connectedness is wearing..
I find myself always having to come up with excuses or reasons why they couldn't reach me. I often get: "I've been trying to reach you for a few hours - where've you been???". Thankfully, I can sometimes play it off, as I have two other small businesses that keep me busy, and only have a cell phone, which gets plenty of usage, so the "I had my cell on the charger" sometimes works, but I'm a very truthful person, and so this making up of excuses is 'not me', and I don't like it. Also, I am being invited to go places (as in other states!) for a few days - so how do you explain that??? I mean, ideally, it would be great if I could just tell my family, and then no more excuses, but there is no way that could happen! And I have a big family! To include a sister, who's in the nunnery (sp) - no kidding! You get the picture?
I don't necessarily know that you all would have any answers, but it's just great to know you're there..

Thanks,
Sedona

Hi Sedona,
Wow, real life creeps up on us all, huh? The modern world of instant connectedness has it's ups and downs for sure. You could, next time they ask where you've been or why couldn't they get a hold of you play the "If I tell you ... I'll have to kill you" card. That you are a secret opporitive for the Government of Sri-Lanka. But in a more practicle approach, you can be both honest, and truthful, without telling the whole truth. You are not on The People's Court here, and you've not been sworn in.

If you get invited out of town to spend a day or a weekend with a client/friend, is it not on business? Or even there in your local area for that matter. Business is business, if it involves pleasure that's your business and no one else's. I always thought it was kind of a no-no to kiss and tell. So kiss, and don't tell. Email your family before a trip, or tell them afterwards you were away on a business trip. That you are expanding, or thinking of expanding your other two business ventures. If they have a half a brain and use a quarter of it, they'll know that diversification is a secret key to financial independence. The, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket" theory. Tell them you don't want to work hard just to wait to retire at 72 with a third of your present income, living a life of restricted income and thus limited opportunities. That you want to work smarter more-so than just working harder. That you are exploring means that could allow you to retire sooner. Retirement isn't an age, afterall. It's an income. If they press you for more info, tell them you are just "looking into it," not doing it per se. That should stop them there, if not ... tell them to talk details could ruin the deal, or that you don't want to curse or bring any misfortune to the opportunity. And again, "If I told you ... I'd have to kill you." ~ HA!

None of the above is lying either, it's all factual. You already have two businesses, that helps tremendously. Exploring another would or should make sense to them, I'd hope. You probably do want to retire at a younger age than most of the people in the daily 9-5 grind, right? And live a life on your schedule and terms, rather than your employer's? So no lie there. Out of town on business? Yep. No lie there either. And, if they are one of those families who constantly pressure you to meet a man, get married or whatever, and you are so inclined; tell them you did meet a man on your trip, he was very nice, you had dinner blah blah blah ... we had a great time, etc. But don't know if it'll go anywhere because of the distance between you. If that doesn't stop them from pestering you, call me. I'll talk with them directly If they are not one of those families, then good.

It's tough, I'm sure. But in the end, it's you who pays your bills, buys your clothes and puts food on your table, not your family. So all of your business isn't all of their business too. It's none of their's actually. You only have to answer to yourself, and your God if you are spiritual. But family is family and it's hard not to alienate them in your life. You just don't have to tell them everything about your life.

You'll find your balance, and hopefully you will be able to get together sometime in the near future. Perhaps seeing one another would let the constant emails and phone calls die down for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two. I don't know how close you all are, but when my whole family gets together every now and then, it usually only reminds us of why we only get together every now and then.

Hope that helps you in some way. It's just my opinion, of course ... but with some applied knowledge as well. If all above measures fail, and they still insist on the barrage of where were you's ... in a very polite, smiling voice, ask them, "Why are you writting a book? If so then kiss my ass and call it, 'A Love Story.' " Humor detracts from the reason they asked in the first place. You can then laugh, and start questioning them, how they've been, how's Aunt Millie, etc.

Take care.
xoxoxo
Jimbo

PS. Nunnery is spelled correctly. You get an A+ for today. And a star sticker too, just because it's Wednesday, and Wednesday is hump day.

PPS. Why is it called hump day, when most people get laid on the weekend?

Just kidding, Sedona.

My two brothers and I are introverts by nature, but at the same time we are very close. So the result is when we're together we have a great time, but when we're not, we respect each other's lives and privacy. It helps that I live in New York and they live in Indiana and in Mexico.

I don't have an easy answer for you other than time. Over time (maybe years) your need for space will be recognized and hopefully respected.

Sedona,
I forgot to turn my cell "on", I left it in another room in the house, went out for a walk or jog, etc. should all work.  I know I don't leave my phone on during dinner or a favorite TV program.  Privacy is sacred.

Unless you've missed a specific "meeting" (in person, phone or otherwise) with any of your family, you really shouldn't have to account for your time.  You're a business person, very involved and very active, and you were out and about conducting business.  Even at an odd hour.  End of story.  I would look at it as presumptuous if any of my family would ask for an explanation of that sort from me.

I guess my rant is about acceptance.  If you accept them as is, and they do accept you, as is, this really shouldn't be an issue. Unless it's been days that they haven't been able to get in touch, and they express concerns for my health, etc., it's never even brought up.

However, I find your genuine sensitivity about your family commendable, very attractive and endearing.  It's very human on a very high level, and just makes you more desireable.

I'll see you soon.

F.

You are so dear..

here

HI Sedona:
I don't blame you for feeling claustrophobic. Although, I envy you for having what seems to be a closeknit family.
However, if your siblings have a problem with you not responding to their call quick enough, then I would suggest the following response. I stopped asking my Dad years ago why he does anything much less respond to my phone call when he is not there to take it. My Dad, (and you can tell we are very close) has a standard reply when anyone, even my Mother asks why he does what he does. His standard reply is, "None of your god damn business!"

As I said you can tell we are very close, However, if your family continues to be as irritating as it seems, then it may be appropriate.

Noli Illigitimti carbarundum.

Take care.

-- Modified on 6/19/2003 9:46:10 AM

Wasting your time (did I say wasting your time? I meant SPENDING your time of course. You are an adult - you certainly know how to prioritize your time!) hanging out on the TER discussion board. GEEZ! And to think you could have been spending THAT time with your family!! Well I'm SURE you have your reasons!! Come on, let me help you pack your bags - you're going to be late for your "guilt trip"!

PS - with 17 kids and a nun in your extended family, at least try and be thankful that no family members are priests! Or at least priests that drink and drive!

Why not just a version of the truth?

"Well, you know I really love you guys and I am happy that we are so close to one another.  But I have to be honest.  Questions like 'where you been the last few hours' make me feel like my mom is watching me.  

"Our relationships are strong because we're individuals and I felt like I was kind of dissolving into everyone else's life.  I just took some 'maintenance' time for me as a person."

Real friends will respect that.  The ones that can't are, I think, verging on co-dependence.

d_d
(It's free advice.  Discarding it is no loss.)