Now that you know this, ask youself this question:  Does it matter?

If so, then you should seriously reconsider the relationship.

If not, then go on and enjoy the relationship.

Entering into a LTR with a provider means that you have to accept them exactly as they are and without reservation which means also accepting the fact that they may meet and enjoy the men they meet irrespective of their looks.

Evaluate her opinions of you and yours of her based upon your own communications and filter out any extraneous input (i.e. nix on the eavesdropping) in determining how you feel about each other.

I have found this to be the only sensible way to conduct what has for me, been a wonderful and rewarding relationship.

I also suggest posting this on The Erotic Highway to see what The Love Goddess has to say.  She is the hippest.

Ah, this has easily got to be in the Top 10 topics discussed on this board, right after LE stings via Craigs List.

In fact, a few months ago there was an excellent and lengthy thread with a similar factual basis, a hobbyist accidently saw the provider's next client, a fellow not to be mistaken for Brad Pitt or George Clooney or Cary Grant, and his subsequent feelings of revulsion.

Yes, definitely a mistake to have read her email.  As Dr. Zaius tells Taylor in "Planet of the Apes"  -- be careful what you look for Taylor, you won't like what you'll find.  But, no undoing that one.

That idiotic pop culture out of the way, the other hobbyist is probably sincere in his feelings toward her, and it's no doubt suffused with a great afterglow memory, so you've got to calculate a discount factor.  Was her response sincere?  You know her, what do you think?  But please be sure, no matter what, some of her response is no doubt part of her continued efforts to sell the fantasy.  Obsessing over it, or letting it have a negative impact on your feelings for her and your behavior toward her, is a definte mistake.  This simply comes with the territory.  It's like having a world-class SO and totally loathing the in-laws which come with the package.

"She would never be attracted to him."  Right, it's a business, remember?  If the situation was reversed, the other guy might be agonizing in an identical manner.

And definitely do not bring this up with her unless she broaches this very dangerous topic and clearly wants a real heart-to-heart on it.  Only then ought you to roll these loaded dice.  And even then, consider it long and hard before anything is said which can never be taken back, which can with only the greatest effort be forgiven abut absolutely never forgotten.  Not every Rubicon need be crossed, and bridges are not built to be burned.

In cold cyperprint the above looks unduly harsh and unsympathetic, but plese be assured that I an neither.  I too have had this confused feeling, but eventually saw the situation with as much perspective and understanding as I could muster, and decided to enjoy the good and not fret over the bad.

Best of luck to you in your relationship with the young lady in question.  We're all made mad and terminally confused in this part of life, but i wish you the best, and hope that the lady in question comes to reciprocate, or at least to respect and understand and appreciate your feelings for her.

I am curious about one thing -- are you and the lady in question close in age and/or have similar backgrounds?


Yours in carnal confusion, keep us posted, especially if the outcome is a positive one.


SH

You've moved into the next phase of your destruction:  Snooping.  Be honest, you didn't have to take a work call in the the lobby, you wanted to get a look at the guy and make the comparison.  The email didn't "pop up," you were looking at her stuff.  You got exactly what your were looking for:  A nice gut punch to keep the drama going and make sure you can't sleep for the next few days.  Next you'll put a key-logger on her computer so you can read all of her stuff.

You may as well go ahead and bring it up to her, but wait a few days until you start to feel better, that way you can prolong the agony a little.

Seriously (and I do seriously think you were snooping), the guys like mrfisher are few and far between.  You aren't him, you'll never be able to make this separation and you're just setting yourself up for a world of pain.  Maybe that's ok.  It seems to be what you like.

You found what u were looking for and now u ask for comments b/c u drove all the way to the dead end and can't turn around.   I am sorry to a little cynical but grow up.  And if u r gonna looking for something make sure u can handle what u r looking for.  That is part of being a grown up.

Well, there's two parts to my answer- the first is, straight up, you violated her privacy, so you deserve the rolled up newspaper irregardless...

The second thing- providers, of course, are people too.  Their job, as high class escorts (as opposed to pros's or "legit" escorts), is to give a WONDERFUL time while being a relationship, someone special who is also a freak in the sheets.  Most of the girls I'm met, (well, all of them, barring some Oscar-worthy performances), LOVE sex- which usually correlates to a good sex-drive and ease in achieving orgasm.  So, they like what they do...  BUt, they also have to keep clients- its their livelyhood; lawyers lie all the time, bald-faced lies, to the faces of every type of person- they get criminals off and get the innocent convicted- while it doesn't involve romantic feelings, its a similar thing, and I've had friends who have problems with dating lawyers for those reasons.  

Now, even though part of me wants to leave you hanging there, (aka, swatted with the newspaper), here's what you need to think about.  You left, and she saw a client- what happened after that?  YOU CAME BACK, were in her place, etc...  She did a gig, and there you were, before and after- it sounds to me like you're HER choice, and the rest, well, its her job.  

Consider yourself lucky and accept that 1) providers are, by their nature, highly desireable, 2) its her JOB- should "Sally" ask "Dick" to quit his job because she doesn't like him getting criminals off, especially when just dating?, and 3) get over yourself, and enjoy what you HAVE.

to church, find somebody to confess to, then start attending on a regular basis.  Maybe find a nice little church going girl, settle down and have kids.

And don't look back.

Are you talking about paid dating or are you seeing her off the clock?

Either way, honestly, you have no business judging her or the men she sees as clients. The fact that you are reading her private emails tells me you have no respect for her.

I hate to sound harsh but you've got a bit of growing up to do if you can't accept the lady for what who she is and what she does for a living. And frankly, WTF does the appearance of a guy have to do with how a woman would feel about him?

You've got issues here that you need to deal with. They really have nothing to do with her.

In a cold calculating manner:

4 possibilities can happen if a provider and client continue in the industry given America's retarded cultural morality concerning sex.

A. Both sides accept and grow with each other. SUCCESS
B. Side 1 fails, while side 2 accepts and grows.  FAILURE
C. Side 1 accepts and grows, while side 2 dails. FAILURE
D. Both sides fall into jealousy and wounded pride syndrome. FAILURE

Now you made a big mistake by reading her mail. That was REALLY bad. But if you want the illusion to continue you will have to accept what she is doing...100%. No reservations, no nothing. Enjoy it in the present and don't resent anything she has done or will do.




So the odds of a provider client relationship succeeding are pretty low.

does she service you for free? Only then you'll know that it's a LTR!!   just my 2 cent

Fist, you've got no business dating a prostitute.  Boom!

Second, if you do, you will shit where you eat and eat shit you will, point blank.

How could you do this to yourself knowing full well the consequences of your actions and then bring this episode to this forum?

What do you hope to accomplish...that you'll be magnanimous and generous of spirit and overlook the fact that you are dating someone who has sex with others for pecuniary recompense and caters to their carnal desires (including your own, I assert)and that you're going to forgive that from your lofty pedestal and not judge her or her clients.  Just try it...Ooops, you did and failed.

Be gone and stay gone.



-- Modified on 9/15/2007 12:22:53 PM

To date a provider, especially one that is still actively working and fucking guys on a daily basis, you need to have balls of steel and zero jealous streak in you. Sounds like you are lacking in both areas.

If you had the requisite balls, you wouldn't have read her email. You wouldn't have given a rats ass about who was ringing her doorbell.

If you had the requisite zero jealousy streak, none of this would bother you in the first place.


In all honesty, 95% of men out there couldn't handle dating a provider so don't take it personally if you aren't amongst the 5% that are.

Do yourself and her a HUGE favor, nip this in the bud before it becomes a toxic relationship. Either cut the cord on the dating part of the relationship, or drastically change your mindset towards it.

Simple answers:

1)  She trusted you to use her computer, which I wouldn't do. Don't read her emails!

2)  Talk to her about your feelings, but be ware that she might not want to see you again if she feels threatened or it's getting too sentimental for her.

3)  She is an escort and you are a hobbyist. You probably connect when you're together, but she does this for a living.

4)  When we tell a client/friend something nice, most of us really mean it. There's a connection. However, ask her what your connection is. Don't ever assume anything.

Hugs,
Ciara

if you can't deal with it.

Providing is a business... and even though I have connected with some providers on a personal level... it is a business....  I am NEVER disappointed or hurt that they see other clients... simply because it is a business for them... AND - I am not ready to step up to the plate and "get serious"!  Are you?   And by that I mean are you ready to support her?  have her "move in!?"  Be her One and Only?  sheese... the women I see!?  I know that they have a very high sex drive... I also know they like to live well... as do I!  I could write tons on this subject as it crosses over to my stripper friend group as well.... do I get jealous when I see them happily go off to the Champagne Court for an hour or two?!   If I am, I had better be willing to spring for an hour or two more than I do....

My advice?  rethink your relationship - if you see her totally off the clock... know that she still has to pay the bills....  cause you don't!

Sorry, but this is just a no brainer... Some of the ABSOLUTE BEST providers I have been with truly "get" the difference between sales and marketing... Sales is putting up a website with the appropriate info, making sure that when the customer arrives you "close the deal"!  Marketing is the "stuff in the website"  that makes the client want to sample the services (such as decent and recent pics, something interesting about the lady and most - what type of experience you will encounter... etc)... and Marketing also includes - Flirting on TER (and yes, some do it ... and some do it well) exchanging e-mails before you've ever met... and keeping the contact after the initial meeting for the 2nd encounter... hoping to get a predictable regular... so yea, I would expect all this....

sheese.... this is marketing 101!

Don't even think about it anymore.  Just leave her.  Your peers on TER are mostly correct:  very few people are cut out to date providers.  And very few providers are cut out to date ANYONE.

If you choose to stay (and you probably will), know this:  she will hurt you.  When it happens (and it sounds like it is starting to happen already) the pain will feel like you've been gutted like a fish.  It will seem so cruel and careless, but she probably won't even realize the pain she's putting you through.  You will eventually leave this relationship scarred for life.  The sooner you cut ties, the less damage you will suffer.

Most "normal" romantic/sexual relationships just don't last.  There are too many hurdles to overcome:  In-laws, differences in tastes and opinions, sexual incompatibility, different circles of friends, jealousy, infidelity, financial problems, etc.  And on top of all these "normal" problems, your lady-friend has sex with strange men for money.  AND, you're married.  AND, you have a drinking problem.  Yeah, I can see this thing working out well for everyone.  Just leave, or one day you'll be thinking back to the good advice that you just didn't take.

-- Modified on 9/15/2007 3:49:44 PM

Are you really saying that you were shocked about this?  You didn't know that being a provider entailed seeing (gasp!) unattractive guys. That sometimes these guys would say, in the midst of an intense afterglow, that they loved her? Do you realize how many meanings there are for love which she could answer him with?  Perhaps she meant she loved who she was with? That she loved him as a friend, even if he was a client?  I don't know how she worded it, but she might have meant ten different things.

Really, if dating a provider was okay and smooth sailing before and now suddenly you take these snooping actions and claim dubiously you're shocked, something changed in you beforehand. Suddenly dating a provider was no longer okay. Hence, your actions didn't cause an emotional shift, your actions were fit to an emotional shift which had already taken place.      

Emotions are funny that way. They can change. Especially in odd ways in unconventional sexual relations. We're all mixed bags of emotions. Sex effects all of them. One emotion can overtake another that day. It's okay, for that to happen. If necessary consider it to be a no-fault break-up. Whatever you do, though, don't blame her for this or try to de-construct what you call the "provider instinct" (a debatable concept). You're just moving yourself toward madness, or abuse.

I do, I suppose, have some experience with, know something about, being "involved" with an escort - as do at least two other posters to this thread, of whom I am aware. Mrfisher certainly - he makes no secret of it - and one other who I cannot mention. I also know and know of other gentleman and ladies, members of this site, this community, who are in such a place. But, of course, those I cannot identify either - whether anyone wants their relationship publicly known here is a decision only they can make.

As Bostonguy pointed out, you are very vague in your description of your relationship with the lady concerned. All you say is "dating for a few months" and "trying to work on a longer term relationship with her." I guess my first question to you is: are there real and deep feelings and emotions involved in this relationship ... on your part? on her part? If the answer to EITHER of these questions is no, you may as well stop reading now - anything I am about to say will have little or no relevance to you. Or, on second thought, perhaps it will.

It is very rare for two people to meet in this hobby and to find a real, deep and mutual love arise between them. Actually, even "find" is not really the right word. To "find" often, though not necessarily, implies a search - as in seek and ye shall find. But mutual true love is something which NO ONE should seek in this hobby. You CANNOT find it, only it can find you. It is something which happens, or it does not, and when on that rare occasion it does, you are totally powerless to stop it.

And again, I am talking only about those situations where BOTH parties have a real and deep love for each other. Much more common in this world of ours is for a client to fall in love with a provider, but where she either has no real feelings for him at all, or has some feelings of friendship or affection - she "likes" him (and I do NOT mean she "likes" his donation!) but she does not "love" him. These types of relationships usually last for a while, and then end badly. It also occurs sometimes that a provider falls in love with a client, but he does not love her. This is also a situation where the relationship, including the professional relationship, is destined to end soon, and probably badly.

But if "IT" does find you then, as I have said, you are powerless to stop it. But then you must ask yourself - can you handle it? Can you deal with the fact that she has sex regularly with other men, many of whom she may well find unattractive or even repulsive and does it only for the money, but some of whom she may actually feel some genuine affection for - not the kind of love she feels for you, but some emotional attachment nonetheless? Can you deal with that?

As has been suggested by several in this thread, many, perhaps most, men cannot. MrPickle tossed out a 95%-5% hypothesis. Maybe that is accurate, maybe it is not - I doubt there has ever been a scientific psychological study of that particular issue. But jealousy is a real emotion hard-wired into most of us - a part of the human condition.

You cannot change her, stop her from being a provider - not unless she herself affirmatively wants to change. If she does not, and if you try to change her, you will destroy what she feels for you, and the relationship will end - and end badly. So, if you cannot "deal with it" then, to make it easier on both of you, it is best for you to walk away now.

But IF that rare miracle has occured, and IF you are one of that minority of men who can deal with all of the ramifications of such a relationship ... fasten your seatbelt, hang on tight and enjoy the ride. It will be a hell of a ride - trust me.

None of this, of course, is to say that a client and a provider cannot develop a relationship between them as "fuckbuddies" or good friends (with or without sex). Those types of relationships can work well. I have had, and continue to have, several of those, in various forms and permutations. But I think that is not where you are coming from ... else you would not be asking the questions that you ask.






-- Modified on 9/16/2007 9:51:41 AM