There were 2 sets of threads below on SOs.  One can't get aroused by his SO and the other has an SO that simply lays (lies?) there.  I guess these indicate deeper problems, but it does seem to raise an all-too-common issue of a long marriage or relationship at least.  Like some others who have posted earlier, I still find my wife beautiful and would love to have sex with her every day (or night) but she doesn't.  About twice a month is tops for her.  Of course, 15 years ago, every day was more like it.  Some people have posted that couples should talk about it.  If I do, she gets uncomfortable and we fight.  But the truth is that there is work, kids, bills, taxes, daily life that gets in the way.  We do fuck our socks off when we go away alone together which is not often enough.  So what's the point of this post?  Both threads states a concern that part of the problem may be hobbying.  I disagree.  No matter how fulfilling one may find an experience is with a provider, the truth is that when you see a provider (with few exceptions), sex is going to take place within an hour or so.  Not true with your SO.  She may want to go through the kids' closets or be worried about a funny bump in her breast or thinking it is time to paint the living room again or wondering about seeing her in-laws or your sister's family (men tend to leave the social life organization to the women).  She doesn't 'provide for you' for a living.   Providers know this.  Married men are their bread and butter.  We are as discreet as they get (for obvious reasons) which makes us good clients.  If a provider has other concerns or worries when you see her, she also knows that she is a professional and you just paid $$$ for her time.  DOn't get me wrong.  I have nothing but the utmost respect for providers and I admit that some cause me confusion about what I want in a relationship, but it simply is not real life.  They just help us make it through real life.  So in response to another recent thread asking about how we started, I guess the answer is, because I discovered why it is the oldest profession in the world.  It is one of the inevitable steps in life when a man is ready to take on the responsibilities of being a man but still has the desires of an 18 year old.

Been there...done that... and still do it...

then mix in a SO... who is a workaholic...
(I'm still her best stress reliever and sounding board)

You failed to mention one aspect of our hobbying
that some may or may not find commendable...
Avoiding the emotional attachment/commitment of an E-M Affair!
I almost went down that route before hobbying and cut it off cause I found myself losing touch with what was important in life.
...but then again,I've heard some commentary that guys like us want to have our cake and eat it too...and then you hear
the ultimate slap of our face..."All men are pigs" and that we are just like the rest of the grizzly "bacon" out there.

Crazy as it sounds...I'm comfortable with it right now.
Its my "American Beauty" stage of life and "it works for me
dude".Who Knows what tommorow may bring?

Comments,flames,approvals???

And really, there ain't much to add -- except perhaps that with the right provider and the right circumstances, the experience is transcendent.

-- Modified on 4/5/2004 8:13:11 AM

About a year ago I posted a question to the married gentlemen here about whether they felt guilt for their hobbying.
(it was posted under an alias) I was deeply moved by the response my question received and by the circumstances and reasons under which so many married men hobby.
   It would seem that "monogamy" is both a keystone and an ideal in any truly successful culture. The trick is for many reasons it can be a tough ideal to live up to. Many cultures allow or even embrace the idea of a "mistress" so that a married man can indulge his polygamist side but still remain responsible to his marrital/family obligations. Hobbying seems to be a more common or affordable alternative for the rest of us.

  FR.

I like your comparison to your "American Beauty" stage of life.  

Great post. The conflict you refer to in the last sentence was on the mark for me.

To me there's a dramatic difference between having a mistress, a true other woman, and just seeing a provider.

With a lover on the side you're sharing your heart, its more mentally involving and I've seen a great deal more damage inflicted on all parties from this.  Besides the damage it can do to your primary relationship, you've now got another person who in the end may end up getting hurt.

With a provider your mostly sharing your dick, which probably isn't getting satisfied at home anyway.  OK, with a good provider it's mental as well and certainly can be a transcendent experience, but then it's over and you go home.

A mistress ends up draining your energy and splitting your feelings, which can definitely do damage to your primary relationship.

OK, see American Beauty if you don't get the reference.......

That's dogg fool. Ya heard?
~~flame~~

The scene: It's 1882 and a hot, dusty summers day in Dodge City. Suddenly at the edge of town, appears a 3-legged dog astride a large white horse. Women and children run in fear. The 3-legged dog rides up to the saloon and goes inside. He walks to the bar and says "gimme a shot of red-eye". Shaking and quivering the bartender pours a glass of whiskey. The 3-legged dog throws it back and says "gimme another". Shaking and quivering, the bartender pours another. The 3-legged dog slams it down and turns to look at the crowd. The Sheriff makes his way through the crowd and faces the 3-legged dog. "We don't get many 3-legged dogs around here, what's your business?" The 3-legged pushes away from the bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my Paw".

 

there are enough couples in the world who don't let themselves fall into this type of scenario that I can't help but think that it can be avoided if both parties really want it to be.  If a man tries his hardest, though...really...and the wife still does the once a month thing, then carte blanche it is.

Thank you for the thread.  Your last sentence says it all about most of us.  By the way, consider yourself lucky.  I’m down to once a month!

It's a dogg eat dogg world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!

Tally-Ho!

...which is why there is this difference (between the sexes)?  Why do many women loose this intense drive? And let's not get into the evolutionary-biological line that men are meant to inseminate lots of women.  I do not think the answer is there or if it is, it will not be useful. I would like to have sex with my wife every night! My wife and not other women!  When we do, it is good for both of us.  From some of the threads over the years, even once a month is good!  Mind you, if a solution is found to this age old problem, then TER traffic would decrease considerably.

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you please help me !!!??? Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER, This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of Luck,
Tech Support

Well my problem is not a wife with zero sex drive. I have a wife with a good sex drive (even after13 years) the problem is the incessant bitching that occurs the rest of the time, and her trying to control who I see who I talk to, basicly a control freak. ANd when she is not controling she is accusing.

Well I am less than enthusiastic as a result.  Only saving grace is she does take good care of herself and is slimmer now than when we met.

I hobby to get the feeling of someone gentle and caring and a total sex fiend all in one.

Memories of these gets me through the rest of the month with wife.

Guess the guys into the Dom scene would have no trouble in my house but a bitching pushy woman is NOT a turnon for me.

I preffered a mistriss, that last woman I fell in love with became a provider out of financial need (she says anyway) and has progressively ruined our relationship and my good memories of her.  Still love her but her irratic behavior has goten me distrusting her honesty, and making me bitter towards her. Because I tried to deal with her transition to provider and she continues to rub salt in my wounds instead of working with me to ease my insecurities and help me deal with it in the only way I can. I alternate between being seriously derpressed and hostile over her refusal to do more to ease my stress.  Nice words ever so often from her help only a little, but I told her what I need repeatedly and it falls on deaf ears.   As a result I end up feeling played.

Now with other providers I know its not from the heart and that ruins the illusion for me, except for one who actually made me believe it was real..... I wish I could see her every week. Hell , I wish I had a partner that makes me feel that way....

Damn shame Divorces cost so damn much. And why the person who makes your life a living hell takes half of what you worked your ass off for.