The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they
enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine,and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems
like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So that means it was ..let's see
..February when we started going out, which was right after I had
the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. Scumbags!
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ass!!
..continued
..continued from previous post
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine
says.(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you
really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to become very nervous about what she might say next,especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men
and women!
-- Modified on 6/26/2001 12:45:12 PM
I had been dating a nice woman steadily for about 18 months. We'd been friends at work for over four years so we knew each other well. I wanted to do something nice since I realized we'd gotten into a pattern of "dates of convenience" (I'll meet you at the restaurant equidistant from our houses, we'll catch a movie after dinner, you follow me home to my house etc.). I know it isn't very romantic, but this can happen when you're long-term friends as well as lovers.
Anyway, because I'd gotten a little too comfortable with the situation I planned a weekend in a nice hotel in San Diego followed by hot air ballooning. We had a great time (or so I thought) until she wouldn't talk to me on the two hour drive home. When we got home to my house, she stepped in the front door and burst into tears. She was inconsolable for about a half hour and couldn't even talk. I couldn't have been more confused, frustrated and clueless as to the problem.
After she finally stopped sobbing to the point where she could talk again, it took me about another half hour to find out what the problem was- she thought I planned this nice weekend for the express purpose of asking her to marry me!!! Talk about being on a different page from your significant other. We had never, ever talked about anything like that. I'm not even sure we'd said we loved each other. We were both in our 40's and had been married, had a kid apiece and neither of us had ever indicated the desire to get married again. Unfortunately, I found out that even though it had never been discussed, she had worked out this entire scenario in her own mind that we would eventually get married. She was in her mid-40's (but looked younger) and was really afraid she was losing her looks and this was going to be her last chance to get married. I was supposed to know this telepathically, I guess.
Needless to say, finding this out in this manner was not very conducive to a good discussion. When I acted shocked and dismayed that she could even be expecting that to happen when we'd never even expressed feelings of love for each other she got even angrier. Our last date ended with her tears and mascara running down her face, cursing me for being such an insensitive asshole, and storming out of the house. She never went out with me again even though I asked many times. We were finally able to talk about what happened, but it was really just to clean up the loose ends of the entire situation. It was so truly sad that it ended in that manner, but dreams and plans that are not shared and communicated won't come true. We were mentally and emotionally living in two different worlds even though we were together.
Maybe she misunderstood my intentions when I suggested we both take our cars to Jiffy Lube at the same time...
-- Modified on 6/26/2001 5:50:46 PM
Wow, thanks for sharing that G2. It is sorta funny and sad at the same time on what happened. I hope she can laugh about it now too and just keep the friendship going. Probably not, huh?!? *shrug*
For me, the operative words of your poignant story are ...
"she had worked out this entire scenario in her own mind that"
... and it doesn't matter how you finish the sentence.
Thanks for sharing that story. It's double ironic, in that her greatest desires were exactly the thing that she made least likely to come about, precisely because of her accurate surgical strike. She prevented them in the most effective manner possible.
But then, do we blame her? No, of course not. The women in these stories are just being ... well ... typical North American women. I wish I lived in Holland. Or Burkina Fasso. Hmm. Gotta work on that ...
Anyway. I kind of hate the way that our society teaches us to expect something that is really unreasonable, the way that our princess-fantasies all get dashed ("Roger, I know there's not a knight. Or a horse.") but never go away. Sometimes I wonder, if only half the human species ever actually becomes adults, and the other half just remains pre-adolescent in mind until they die. But then, I'm sure their half would say the same about our half.
It's a sad way. I try not to ever "date," only ever have mad passionate encounters, essentially one-night stands that run on for a few weeks, or that go away for a few months and then come back for another one-nighter or one-weeker. And then break up. I prefer that, but I'm not an expert at arranging it. I suppose I could pay for it, but that's a different issue, altogether. For exactly the reasons demonstrated by these two stories, I just don't think it's reasonable to expect a North American female to be an equal to me in a relationship. I know, that makes me a sexist pig. Well, find me one who isn't an emotional wreck because of imagined threats, and I'll consider her an equal and marry her. Problem is, all six of those women aren't available. But they got nice websites!
I attend providers for similar reasons. But I'm not proud of that, I'm not happy about it, and I'm not ever convinced that I want to continue to do it. Anybody else similarly conflicted? Wouldn't it be nice to find someone whose body was hot, and whose brain was balanced, and whose interest in you wasn't mostly monetary, and whose willingness to meet with you wasn't strictly of an "appointment" nature?
I dunno, just feelin' a bit morose tonight. These stories of the hopeless rift between the genders have got me down. The joke was funny, but all too true. It's suggested that I should never lettin' my guard down again, whenever I'm in a relationship. Not that THAT happy eventuality is likely to happen any time soon ... but that's a different issue.
...perhaps your experience will help others. I have had similar misunderstandings myself and there is very little consolation except that we are all in the same boat.
I hope G2 you have gotten some better breaks since then.
Be Well
LookyLooky
We've all done it, men too. Sometimes we want more or different things than our s.o.. Despite the above experience I did something similar to a woman I was dating about 5 years ago. After dating casually for a number of years, I thought my search for a soul mate had ended because I enjoyed being with her so much and we just connected on every level. When she told me she wanted to move out of her apartment, I took that as an opportunity to ask her if she wanted to move in with me. She replied, and I quote "Why would I want to do that?" Talk about body slammed, I felt that one for months, and we finally drifted apart as friends about a year later.
Anyway, to finish the story on the woman who wanted to get married- we never dated again or did anything as friends. We worked together for a year a few years later, with great underlying hostility directed at me by her. She never "forgave" me for not knowing I was supposed to ask her to marry her. She never did get married, either, and I would say it was because she wore her anger and resentment at the world on her sleeve. Nobody is attracted to someone who blames the world for their problems, and that became her way of going through life. So despite the unfortunate circumstances, I feel lucky to have been spared a more serious relationship with someone who thinks like that, because it is doomed to misery and failure.