God, this just scared the fucking hell out of me.  The BB is obviously what got you and most of us (myself included) cover up, but it is always always in the back of my mind.  I am married.  We have young children.  I could leave those wonderful kids without both parents because of what is, if nothing else, selfish behavior.  Her complicity in driving me to this point could never, ever justify sujecting her (and the kids) to that fate.  So yes, this is something I think of often.  the cover guarantees nothing.

What should you do?  You have to advise every girl you have been with, and that is going to suck.  A lot.  But I would not want to be standing at those gates having not done so.   And if you don't want all of these women knowing that it is you who potentially infected them?  Create a temporary Gmail account and email them annonymously that you "saw them in x timeframe, and that they need to get tested for HIV".  Do it from a public, library computer.  It is a fucked up way for them to find out, but far better than their having not found out.

I would have to tell my wife.  Lord knows there would be no chance of her being infected by me these days, but this would be need-to-know information for her because it would affect her life.  I would move out, locally for the kids,  while we were both at work, just take the day off.  Then I would call her.  

And of course all hobbying would stop and that includes the sugar-baby.  I will pray that she is not affetcted.  I see wonderful providers who are doing this to pay down student loans, and the thought is heart-breaking.

You need to not be alone with this,  Find an AIDS support group if you feel you don't have a friend to share this with

This is not a death sentence, and while it's not ideal, with early detection and treatment you can lead a fairly healthy, and long, life.  Yes, there will be hurdles, but they are not insurmountable.  Go talk to an HIV counselor...they are trained to help you sort these things out.  You need more support and accurate information then what you will get here.

Glad you figured out how to make another brown envelope

Check with Udo on the HIV shit.

Or are you Udo?

Or Aces 8?

Did you BB all over Atlanta?

We've all been there, my friend. My sugarbaby was 32 years older than me and I spent more than $1500 towards her student loans each month. And my wife and I hadn't had sex in 5 years.

I also considered suicide but I said fuck it. Why not play the whole thing out and see how it ends. What do you really have to lose any way?

Every thread, no matter how serious, degenerates into inane conversations between the same few Jack-offs.

Based on being confused, angry, suicidal, and miserable, you have to start off by realizing that you are going through like 4 phases of the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle simultaneously, which is certainly no easy task.  People who get hit with bad news or negative events in their life can go through these 7 phases:

    Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
    Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
    Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
    Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
    Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
    Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
    Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

You are going to experience all these stages in some form or another guaranteed, and it will be a roller coaster of shit before you finally end up with acceptance, which is when you can continue to live your life.  

Remember, HIV is not a death sentence, you will be put on meds that will keep is suppressed for a very long time or permanently.  

You will definitely continue to live your life after you experience this shit storm of emotional states.  So be aware of these 7 stages, and make sure you don't get stuck in any one stage, especially not the depression stage.  In fact, the best thing to do is to try to force yourself to deal with the second to last stage as soon as possible, because that one requires you to deal with your situation instead of meandering in the shit storm of emotional crap, which you don't want to experience for longer than necessary. If you can push through that second to last phase, then you are done, you are moving forward with your life again.  I know this all sounds real corny, but there is a science behind it.  I am not giving you life advice here, I am just trying to help you with what you are dealing with at the moment, which is what you asked for, and so I hope this helped you out.

So i'm going to assume you just said to yourself, Fuck Condoms, I hate them. Or you made her gag on your cock and she bit you.  

If i sell drugs and get busted its my fault. If i get drunk and drive and kill myself and others its my fault. I could go and on.

The real ? is, when you finally come to grips with this and realize your not going to die next week or even 20 years from now, will you protect others from yourself or just pass it along to the next girl who says its ok to go BB.

you got HIV. Could have been the bareback, cud have been providers (local talent), who knows (nobody from your post), If you really are sick I feel bad and will pray for you, but why not turn this into something positive and warn other hobbyists how this may have happened.. God be with you...