I am sitting here at my keyboard and realized that tonight I have psychologically accepted the fact that my marriage is over. Not in the technical sense, but in every other way. I will stay around for my 3 small children. There is no way I am having them raised in a divorced home.
The sad part is when I looked into my wife's eyes tonight, she is a total stranger to me. Where is my best friend who I spent 20 years with and married to for 15? The woman who used to give me comfort, love, affection, who I cuddled with and who I used to count on. Who I spent rainy days in bed with.
It was a slow regression. Not over night. Took many many years to get to this point. It's just such a shame. I sat by the beach by myslef tonight and wondered how and why 90% of my friends are in unhappy failing marriages. Why the divorce rate in the U.S. is so high.
Well, my hats off to you lovely providers out there. The last thing I need or want is a long term girlfriend. Just more baggage. Just another demanding person in my life.
I realized sitting at the beach that I was going to look for a Massage provider to get a Massage on the beach one summer night. And if I ever need to cuddle, I can find the right provider.
You ladies are a gem. Providers offer healing in certain ways that a M.D. couldn't come close to. I am not talking sexual. I am talking emotional healing and comfort. Providers can help an empty man feel whole again.
Thank you to all you providers. Stay safe and just know that you are appreciated.

Your story is sad to hear .And it breaks my heart to read this .. I promise you that you are not the only one around here right now that is going through what you just described .Sometimes and often times people grow apart as they mature with age and wisdom and for other reasons we may never understand .
One thing that I hear in your post is that you are a caring father to your children ..however even if you stay with your wife and the kids ... and you are not happy then everyone around you will sense this and they will not be happy.
Staying with someone when you have nothing left for the sake of others is not always the best idea and there are other avenues to take to satisfy everyone. Most importantly  yourself .
Believe it or not  one of my ATF is going through what you described and he is taking it hard and I have been up all night with concerns about what he is going through .
We may be "providers" but some of us really do care and really are sincere to you guys much more than you probably expect us to be .
I am sure there is a family of friends here that will give you support and maybe even some advice if you are not sure what to do.
One thing you will find with providers are that we have no reason to hurt you and most of us have a great deal of experience in this dept of "life"
Life is precious and should be treated as precious as it is .
Your happieness means so much more than you seem to be giving to yourself .
I wish you well during this period in your life . I do not even know you but I sure do understand .
May peace be with you and your family
-Layla

so what right do have to comment?  Well here goes anyway!!!

Are you really doing your kids a favor by hanging onto the marriage?  Shifting the kids between loving Mom's house and loving Dad's house is not optimal, but it is often better than trying to continue the illusion of love that isn't there anymore.  One day it will finally crumble!!!

The important thing is that your children know that they have two parents who are happy and love them!!!  How you and your wife figure out how best to work out the living arrangements is up to you and her.

Best wishes!

we are essentially alone.

The sooner we learn this the better.

I have also gone through that exact same thought process and mourned for the relationship that was but is no more.

The best advice I can give is to remember the good times and go on, always remembering that we can always love, but not always be loved.

The important thing is to love.

It just makes me feel bad, like what's wrong with me. I used to date lots of women back in the day. But I know these days my belly is bigger and I don't have as much hair. I feel like maybe if I were better looking or was a better person somehow, things would be different.
I am not looking for pity. I just think it's a shame that so many relationships fail after they were great for so many years.
Is it that humans are not made to be involved with one person for so many years?
We are not meant to be alone. Humans are social/pack animals just like dogs and smiliar species. Since caveman times, humans have demonstrated that we are not meant to be alone.
I am very lucky, i have my wonderful kids who adore me. I have my health. I have a supportive family (mom/dad/brothers/etc).
I just miss my best friend. My wife. I feel like it's the old movie "invasion of the body snatchers", I look at her, sit next to her, yet I feel it's not her anymore. Kind of weird I know.
I think I am in for another lonely night at the beach. I have never had a provider yet. I am new. I think I may just have a proivder to sit with me on the beach. No sex or anything. Just someone to hold for a few hours. I think we all need the embrace of the opposite sex at some point.
I know it may sound dumb to pay 250 bucks to have someone hold you on the beach during a nice sunset. But I just miss that right now.

Your post is very poignant.  Of course, it's not my business, but I wonder if your wife feels the same way, and if there's still a spark that can be rekindled.  Often there's not, despite good faith on both sides, and in that case it's probably better to split as amicable as possible.  
It's certainly true that men and women fall in love, get married, have a fantastic time, and then five or more years in wake up and realize the person lying next to them is a total stranger and two loving people have grown apart.
The wonder is not that there is so much divorce in the US, but that so many couples manage to stay together.  It ain't easy.  Whatever lies ahead for you and your wife, remember that your feelings are perfectly natural.  Good luck!

as your suffering will lead to other ills.  Your kids?  I can assure you - They know.  They may not understand, but they know.  And two divorced happier parents are actually better than one totally unhappy couple... My kids - they see it as the opportunity to have 2 separate vacations a year... two christmases...etc.... But most important - they get to see the two parents - and not one dominant parent.... and yes, the regression is slow.....

PM me if you need to talk.  

Why the high divorce rate?  Some sociologists will come - provide graphs, charts and tables... with a proposed answer, but really, no one truly knows... least of all me!  There are probably multiple factors acting to decrease the bonds that are supposed to grow stronger in matrimony - but in our society - don't.  

What I like about your post, is that you don't blame anyone - but you do wonder why!  You seek compasion... most of us want the same things... and every now and then - we find it...  So I wish you well, and consolation for the sadness in your life.

AS to the lovely ladies... they are.  if more married folks (both women AND men) would act as the better GFE providers - maybe there would be less divorce - and more truly happy people in the country.  When I meet a couple - I am always asking myself now - just how strong is their marriage... and I am always astonished at who gets a divorce.... it clearly troubles us.

but the providers that I have spent some time with - are truly gems... smart - witty - intelligent and just nice....

and I agree- most who are well known on TER offer a healing - that is more in the soul than the sex organs.... and yea, I too have joked about paying them to go away, but if truth be known, it is the opposite.  

Men are weak! That's why there's so much divorce. How can ya say  you're truly in love if you can't tell your spouse things...fatasies,hopes,dreams,fears,regreets. Men get what they think they need in a wife  in a marrage but don't want to work on it as times goes on. Every relationship needs work. Stop being selfish & become vulnerable...enough to love & to be loved.Express everything she wants to know in a clear manner,well clear enough for you to understand it & if she bounces what she hears back to you a line of communication devolopes...even if it's "too late". Marrage is but a capsule, it's filled with either paitence,understanding,forgivness or jealousy,selfishness,cyinaide. All relationships can be saved! You just gotta work.

My heart goes out to you as well. and Thank You to
Layla, for her compassion and care of another human being! You truly are beautiful!

As for the divorce, well sadly, I have been there and done that!
If I may comment as to your staying for the children? In my experinece, I learned, that is not
a good idea, I know, you love your kids!
But unless there is reason to fear for there safety and well being from the other parent,
(as was in my case) then I would suggest that you and your spouse, begin to the process of divorce.
Its not going to be easy for either of you.

Remember, as another post in this thread states, the children are very much aware of what is going
on, fact is, the children usually know something is wrong well before you or your spouse realize that the relationship is troubled.

I love my kids, and I still have love for my Ex wife, but I did us all a favor when I left the marriage.

I have been emotionally and physically alone for the past 11 years, but the truth of the matter is that if you stay, then this action further delays the healing process for the both of you, as well it probably may lead to deeper tension, and resentment of each other, with the situation at hand.

You my good sir, are begining the stages of healing. You are no longer in denial, that your relationship is emotionally dead.
Its sounds as though you are at the stage in which
you are questioning yourself, such as what If I had ? or what if she had? As you heal, you will progress through many stages of healing.

As well, it is important to realize, that you and your spouse are not at the same place emotionally.
rarely do both couples enter into the break up and
begin the stages at the same time, so someone is
going to have to be the dumper, and someone is going to have to be the dumpee, One will suffer
more guilt, the other will feel more rejected.

You and her, are both dumpers in one sense, and both are feeling rejected as well.
You are feeling the same feelings, but not at the
same time.

Take care of yourself! in every sense of your health. You are not going to be a great value to
your children if you don't.
My last comment in this.
Remember, Make sure that the children always know this and understand! It is not their fault! what so ever!
Make sure that you and your spouse maintain this
stance with your children. Otherwise they will try
to take care of you and your spouse, and attempt to take on the parents feelings, such as guilt,
or rejection in the process.

Best wishes to you!
Trooper2

As others have said the feelings and depth of your post suggest to me that it ain't quite over yet. It may be in a bad place and getting worse but definately not over. You articulate your feelings very well, have you done so in this manner to your wife? IMHO and non-professional (although experienced) position I think you should seek counciling. Sometimes even partners (or maybe I should say especially partners) of 20 years lose track of how to properly communicate feelings to each other. Maybe times we blame others for "making" us feel a certain way and then in turn use our feelings to justify other behaviors. The fact is each of us has control over our feelings, no one can "make" us feel a certain way. That comes from the way we interpret inputs, and counciling may help you find ways to communicate your feelings (that you control) to your wife and hers to you. Good luck and PM me if you want more specifics on my personal experience.

You are in a tough place and I am sure you are mourning the loss of your "marriage" and "your dream of happily ever after."

Also my hats off to you for your decision to stay for your children.  Its a tough decision to forego your own personal happiness for theirs.

Take care and enjoy your erotic adventures!

-- Modified on 8/17/2007 12:58:48 PM

Jaker,

    I know what you mean.  I have essentially conceded defeat on my nearly 19 year marriage.  Things didn't go downhill overnight but I'm not getting what I feel is important in the relationship.  My spouse feels the same way but what we value is completely different.  We've grown apart and with all other issues, she has made a conscious, or unconscious decision, that my needs come last.  I have a child who will turn 18 in Jan. and a mildly autistic son who will 14 in Sept., so my children don't appear to be as young as yours.  I'm lucky in that I didn't become unhappy in the marriage until 5 years ago, so staying was maybe more of an option for me.  I've told my spouse on several occasions about my unhappiness and about 2 weeks ago, drew a line in the sand saying that if things didn't improve quickly, I would ultimately pursue divorce.  She says she'll work on things, but I see no change in behavior.  I've even gone for some individual counseling but she won't go(how's that for a switch) and red the book "The Relationship Cure."  I have tried to improve some of my behavior (she doesn't know about the hobby, though I haven't participated in 1.5 years). She'll apologize but then revert back to the same behavior.  

    I'm planning an exit strategy to minimize hardships for everyone.  If things get better and I'm happy staying, that would be great.  I've just accepted the fact that will probably not happen.  I guess that's the first step.

Good luck with your situation.

Crownroyal

at all .. It happens more so than you know . Maybe you should  find you a good provider to spend some time with .. Heck that could be the starting point to getting your spirits and ego back up . Obviously the wife is not doing her job  making you feel good . Here you are reaching out on a PROVIDER BOARD with people who are no different than you or your situation . Stop complaining and do something about it .
NO ONE is going to bring it to you unless you ask for it .
If you have to start out paying  250. or whatever $ to have someone  give you what your wife is NOT giving you then  DO IT !!!

-- Modified on 8/17/2007 3:11:11 PM

so that at least we would understand who was providing this advice.  as is, you say men need courage.... and yet you demonstrate none by posting under an alias....  thanks - a real help.

you are not alone in your desire.  you are only human.  Be well.

Does she agree it's over?  Have you spoken to her?  Gone to counseling?  You didn't say.  Or have you just resigned yourself to let it go without a fight?

We have had problems on and off throughout the last 10 years. We tried counselling for a while. It didn't work. If I ask her to not stay up all night on the computer so i can get sleep in the morning and not get up with baby, she says OK. That lasts 2 nights. She is just a selfish and self centered person. She cannot change that.

I'm new on this board (although not new to the hobby) so my credibility may not be as high as many of the regulars.

Jaker, I was in almost the exact same position as you 3 years ago.  My moment of clarity happened one day when I was sitting across the table from my wife, and asudden realization came to me:  I was 39, and would I want to be sitting in the same position when I was 49?  I moved out a week later.

It was difficult...on me...on her...on the kids.  Things have stabilized now and she realizes it was the right thing for both of us.  Kids have adjusted and I spend as much time as possible with them.  

I think there comes a time when you have to realize that only you can take responsibility for your own happiness, and we ALL deserve to be happy.

Best of luck to you!

It is all a matter of acceptance of the situation, and be happy, or If you really do have an awareness, that you no longer wish to invest your emotions in an otherwise dead relationship, then I feel that you should begin the process of divorce.
Be fair to yourself, and begin your healing process, Take that step, that allows YOU to be selfish with yourself, and center upon yourself.
(Of course you have to continue to share with your
kids).

There is no need for you to sit and dwell upon the facts of why so many marriages fail, because
each and every marriage is unique in that it involves two unique individuals. As you grow, the answers that you seek, will become known to you.

If I can borrow a few lines from the song by cold
play, "how long do I have to stand with my head
stuck in the sand?" as you grow emotionally.
"When you see it you will understand"
Its all about self awareness.

What matters most, is that you take personal accountabilty for who you are, how you feel, and of your actions. We all know, that you cannot change another person, nor can they change us.

The change has to come from within you, as you grow to a more emotionally healthy individual.

Best Wishes!

-- Modified on 8/18/2007 7:08:49 AM

Very wise, Trooper 2.  Some years ago we were trying to save our marriage and an excellent counselor said, in essence, "it takes two to make, two to break.  Many marriages can't be saved by even good counselling, and sometimes it's best for everyone to split."  Since my wife at that time was really hoping the counselling would ratify her sense of grievance against me, when the counselor failed to do that she lost interest and the marriage failed shortly thereafter.  I'm not saying it was all her fault -- we were both to blame, if blame there be -- just reciting the facts pertinent to the comments on the thread.

I feel for you and extend a big hug during this time. I hope the best for you- no matter what you decide.

Tyler

before eventually breaking up when I was 11, and I wish they would have done it much sooner.  By the time they did it, my entire family was fucked up (yes, myself included, MSD haters out there , and it put them that much further down the road with issues and years, and they never recovered.

"two divorced happier parents are actually better than one totally unhappy couple"

Well said.

Confront her and let her know you are nearing the end, and this is a chance to make things better... or, if she doesn't hear what you are saying, and won't change, prepare for divorce.

Counseling is not a magic bullet.  Every counselor doesn't necessarily work for everyone.  Sometimes it is a matter of method, sometimes it is a matter of personalities.  If you really want your friend back, express this and where you feel things are, and what you are willing to do for it...and give her a timeline.  I mean, if she thinks that nothing is going to change from how it is, and she is happy the way she is, why should she change?  

If she balks, or if she can't change, don't feel that divorce is the end all.  From one who grew up with parents who fucked my siblings and I up by trying to "stay together for the kids"...THEY WILL GET OVER IT.  It isn't like everyone else in their lives is from Pleasantville.  You showing them an example of parents who have integrity in they are rather than living for an institution is going to mean more to develop them in the long run.

Poignant and well said Gaijin............  I was in the same position 6 yrs ago after a 28 yr marriage.   We all need to take responsibility for our own happiness.

and a reminder, there's no rank on this board.

I am sorry to read of your situation, but if I may offer some advice on some of the things you said.

"I will stay around for my 3 small children. There is no way I am having them raised in a divorced home."

My Father believed that too, and though I know my situation will not necessarily be your children's situation, I would like to offer my opinion of "staying together for the kids".

My Father started pulling away from my Mom, and because that the family, when I was about a year old (I don't remember this obviously but I have siblings 13 and 16 years older that I that have filled in many blanks).  I'll skip the gory details of affairs and all that, but the thing is he didn't want to be there, he "stayed for us kids" (at least in theory) and because of that ended up resenting being there.

He stayed for the "small children" (my brother and I) and he was resolved to be a bit of a martyr for "family".  He put up with living in a marriage he did want to be in for "us", he was trapped in a life he didn't want for "us"...and he eventually resented his "captors" he resented those who made him be trapped, he resented the very children he stayed for...and we knew it.  

So, my Dad spent more and more time away from the family, and when he was around all he could see was our failures, all he could see is what we did wrong, because we trapped him there, and he resented us for it, and though I eventually forgave my Dad anything he did to hurt me, I never forgave him what he did to hurt my brother or my Mom.  My Mom she spent years depressed, sad that her husband didn't love her, and she knew it, and us kids we couldn't make her happy, because we weren't what was making her sad.  

I grew up believing that the best I could hope for in a relationship with another was being resented and cheated on, and never being loved...so yeah that staying for the kids thing did wonders for me.  Didn't do much good for my siblings either.

When my Mom finally filed for divorce she told my brother and I she was going to. My brother, by then, didn't care what she or my Dad did, they to him were an inconvenience and their own kind of trap for him, and he didn't respect either of them.  I asked her why the Hell she didn't do it years before.  After my Dad moved out it was the first time that I could remember being at home being a comfortable place to be.  Do you want your children to relieved when you finally go?


You can stay for your kids, and they can learn to be martyrs suffering in quiet desperation, or that to keep from being alone can stay with someone that doesn't love them...is that really what you want your kids to think "love" is about?

You make it sound like you have no choice but to be where you are...but you do have a choice.  You can find a relationship where you can love your SO...and you can free up your wife to find a relationship where she is loved...or you can both stay trapped in something you don't like, and don't want, and will resent, and no one will be "happy" there, including your children.  

If you stay where you don't want to be and are unhappy in that place that is your choice, but you do need to realise it is just that, your choice...and you run the risk, by "staying for your children" to someday (perhaps someday soon) looking at them as just three more demanding people in your life.


If you want out and think there is no hope, then do yourself, your wife and your children the favor of not making your family a burden you come to resent.  If you want to work on your relationship with your wife and have hope for things being better then do that...but to stay out of a sense of duty or whatever, and in the end being miserable, and making them miserable, it's your choice to do that if you wish to, but understand the ramifications of that as well as you think you understand the ramifications of your children being raised by divorced parents.

Thank you all for the support. I felt very much alone until now. Nobody else in this world knows how unhappy I am. I cannot tell my parents/sibs and me and my friends grew apart over the years, so nobody else to tell.
I tried to talk to my wife tonight, but she insists nothing is wrong. She pretty much made it clear that if there are any problems, they are from me, and not her. I did not bring up divorce because to be honest, i just want to live peacefully in this house. I spend my full time with the kids. Me and the wife don't really fight or argue, but we are just cold to each other and avoid each other.
I want to thank everyone for the input, it truely helps. It helps the most to know I am not alone.
I think what I truely realize is that I do not love her anymore. Wow, I can't believe I just typed that, but I have to admit it to myself. For so many reasons that built up through the years, I do not love her.
Thank you all again for being there. Especially thank you to all the providers out there. Stay safe and be well.

Web T. your story, is one very strong argument as
to why one should not stay for the children!
It all make perfect sense, as a reason for one to leave, and find happiness else where if possible.

I know of the guilt, and feelings of rejection,
See, I stayed in my marriage, even though my wife
was having an affair, for two years, and she made life for me and the kids, a living hell, as she resented us for keeping her contained in a place where she did not want to be, I filed the divorce, and took the kids, and we moved forward.

As I had seen it then, and even more so now, I did everyone a favor, by gathering up the courage to make some painful change for everyones welfare.

Hey Jaker, we all pay some sort of price for our emotional support...$250 seems pretty cheap to me considering the alternatives.  Good luck!

Thanks for the reminder.  I was less worried about "rank" than appearing to be a "one post wonder" just dropping in to offer an opinion.  I've seen a couple of boards out there that are pretty clannish.

and is the best ever reason for the hobby that I could ever imagine.

We are not meant to be alone, and yet we are.  That's the nub of civilization, is it not?

First, why can't you talk to your family about it?  Do they all think that you should be on your knees thanking God for your wife or something?  If they care about you, they will listen when you tell them the truth.  If not, then you need to act for yourself.

If you wife is insisting nothing is wrong, make a plan to tell her that things are wrong, detail which things, and tell her what you want to see done about it, or that you are going to have to seriously consider separating.

It may be the ONLY way that you are going to be taken seriously, and if you aren't, you know what you have to do.

and could not put into words.  My kids quietly shuffle back and forth between households... a bother it is, but also a joy for them, as they see both of us - at our parenting best.  Not because we feel trapped, but more because we want them around.  Seldom do we argue about schedules anymore - but rather welcome the "time out" from our parental duties...  so that we are refreshed for the responsibility when our turn.

Miserable?  that describes my trapped feeling at the end of my marriage.  Sure there are a lot of people who honestly believe that they can hold it together "for the kids!"  but believe me, the kids know.  They are usually the first to know that something is wrong in "happily ever after."

thanks webbie.

Thanks for the post.  I'm going through a similar situation, and have been making some efforts to reconcile with my wife.  I don't know if it will work, and I also am amazed at how distant we are from each other right now.

I've complicated things by becoming pretty involved with a provider.  This has directly contributed to my distance from my wife, and I realize it has been an incredibly foolish thing.  I'm trying to stop it, but it's been hard.

I think anyone seeing escorts on a regular basis has to acknowledge the distance it can (not necessarily does) cause.  Even before I began this 'affair' with a provider, my frequent trips to AMPs did complicate things with my wife.

Thank you for posting this.  I have been going through this quietly like you just trying to hang in there hoping that just in case I am wrong.
There is nothing, no emotion, no conversation and no sex for 6 months at a time only if and when I can not get out of it.

Most importantly thank you to the good ladies I have come to know, whom without you, I would've becoming a raving lunitic.

The exit strategy is the tough part right now.