Bill Maher
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Milton Berle
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Drew Carey
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!

Mae West
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Anyone know more??

xoxo
Kay

Water, water, never touch the stuff.  Fish fuck in it.

Swim

not sure if I have it exactly right but...


my right leg is for X-mas and my left leg is for New Years so why... don't you come up and see me between the Holidays.

Masturbation is like procrastination,it all good until you realize your just f***king yourself!
-unknown

David Niven at the 1974 Oscar Ceremonies in a quick witted reponse to a streaker running past him:

"Isn't it fascinating to think, that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life, is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings!

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
Bette Midler

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. Drew Carey


Sex... the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
Lord Chesterfield

Sex is an emotion in motion
— Mae West

AND MY PERSONAL FAVE:  
Another women’s issue, prostitution. I do not understand why prostitution is illegal. Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that’s perfectly legal to give away. I can’t follow the logic on that at all. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world.

~ George Carlin

)

Other Mae West favorites, she was a bawdy, sexy, original!

I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.

When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm better.

Sex is emotion in motion.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I feel like a million tonight. But one at a time.

Why don't you come on up and see me sometime -- when I've got nothin' on but the radio.

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

A hard man is good to find.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

Love thy neighbor -- and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.  

In response to the question if he thought sex was dirty, Woody Allen supposedly said "Only if you do it right."

"Great looking women, do indeed have a sense of humor"

BizzaroSuperdude.

Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
 Woody Allen

I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
 Woody Allen

Doris: You have no values. With you its all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!
 - Woody Allen, Deconstructing Harry

My wife has cut me down to once a month. I'm lucky - I know two guys she cut off completely.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm so Goddamn horny that the crack of dawn better be careful around me.
 -- Tom Waits


filmat11

Sex is like bridge; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!

And this is one of my favorites from a "thinking of you" card I once saw...

"Sex is like oxygen.  It's no big deal until you're not getting any."

You know you are on a cold streak when variety means switching hands....

Its even worse when your hand falls asleep.

Bisexuality doubles your chance for a date on Sat. Night.....Woody Allen

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker.  I dropped my pants.  She dropped her price.  Rodney Dangerfield

More Rodney
One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.  That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks

OMG...I love Rodney Dangerfield...thanks for posting these quotes...LMAO

xoxo
Kay

Very funny! Awesome.

We all need a little humor in our lives, huh?

Tom waits - that one is great!

::thanks for sharing::

xoxo
Kay

Is that your quote?? bc I LOVE it!!

xoxo
Kay

Sam,

You are awesome!!!

LOVE the G. Carlin Joke!!!!!!!!

::thanks soo much::

He's so logical.

xoxo
Kay

awwww, sad...but quick witted that's for sure!

LOL

::thanks::

xoxo
kay

BB,

These are awesome! Wow, I love it! Now I'll have to remember a few of these lines. She is great!

::thanks::

xoxo
Kay

LOL, very good. I just saw a skit by Ellen DeGeneres about procrastination. It was so funny she was advocating procrastination. It's our body's telling us to take a beak she said. wish I had the exact lines...