TER General Board
So how does a provider feel when a regular says "no more."
Only ask because so many discussions on guys falling for gals in this biz. The advice I got today from a very stable and informed psych major - who has seen me fall hard and trying not to show it (and failing miserably)- was to cut it off now with my ATF before I screw myself up royally. As I've openly stated in here before - weekenders with ATF's tend to cloud the brain for weeks after the encounter and if you have a job that demands you use your brain... well, your career car suffer.
So has this happened to you? And if so how did they break it off? Just by never calling again? Or by taking you out on one last night and breaking the news to you at the end? How did you feel? Was it close to being dumped in a normal relationship? Or even worse?
Sorry I misunderstood your comments. Would be interesting to get a providers perspective on being rejected by their favorite hobby dude.
-- Modified on 1/4/2003 11:19:04 AM
of the business. But it still hurts the ego, the wallet, or emotionally if they really did like the guy. Ask any person in a service industry (stockbroker, dentist, lawyer, etc) how they feel when an established client says they are leaving. We all feel a little betrayed.
guys move on for all kinds of reasons...I don't question it as it is the nature of the business. Afterall I am not paid to be with you really I am paid so that I do not try to stay longer than welcome.
My ATF goes away on business pretty regularly. She has regulars she'll refer to as "friends" who pay her well to travel. My dilemma is: I'm married to my second wife & am convinced things are at a cross roads...for at least the past 2 years. My ATF & I get a long very well & have become closer & closer as time passes. My madness is that I made the decision a couple of months ago to not see any other providers. This is the only time I've made such a decision. I don't begrudge her the work... in fact, if it wasn't for the work, I'd never have met her !! I'm going to broach the subject of a relationship with her very soon... she explainedd to me that about a year ago she tried to have one with a guy who just wasn't able to handle her working.. they fought & had to call it off. What makes me, a man who would fall for a professional, think he should try and have a "working" relationship with such a woman?? The truth is that if she says "no", which is clearly a possibility, I don't think I'll be able to see her anymore. That thought doesn't appeal to me either ! I'm a sick bastard... I've been obsessed about this situation for the past 2 weeks. We supposed to talk Monday or Tuesday.... Any experience like this with any of your clients in the past?? I need a balanced perspective... a voice of reason.
You're prepared for the answer but she in no way is prepared for the question. You should be reading the post above. Are you truly in love or just wanting to know if you're her number 1?
You asked about experience with clients from a provider poster, but I'm offering from a clients perspective if you'd like it.
I have a relationship with a provider in which we have made emotional committments with eachother and we are happy with what we have and are not in eachothers way either.
It is not clear is just what you intend for this "relationship" to be. You state that don't intend for her to not work in the biz and you have all ready stopped seeing other providers. So what else is there for you? Do you intend to divorce and move in with her or to divorce and ask her to marry you or ask her to see you without charge or what? Just what do you want from her that you do not now have?
What harm would come from enjoying her often? Of asking about her feelings and expressing yours without asking for or demanding commitment? If worded correctly, you won't have to hear the words that will make you have to stop seeing her.
Why not discuss it with her?
Would you rather have a regular - someone you've spent a great deal of time with - tell you in person or just stop calling? Isn't that a sign of disrespect that he wouldn't even have the decency - or at least the cajones - to face you in person and say "Thanks for the memories but I've got to move on because such and such... it has nothing to do with you - you've been a wonderful companion, one I'll never forget. Good luck in your life."
Or is the cold break off better in the long run?
There isn't any clear cut answer for each one of us are different. But, it isn't uncommon for a regular to drop contact. I have had a couple very abrupt halts and some that just gradually stopped calling, then nothing. Then there are some that I don't see professionally anymore, but still communicate with them from time to time.
Yes, it does sting the heart strings to some degree, but given the biz, it is expected. The cold hard break is the hardest though. It leaves me to speculate as to the reasons why. Did I offend or hurt him in some way? I do prefer to have some kind of explanation and have the knowledge of knowing that at least we parted in good standing with one another. We all move on and that is okay.
Lauren
I'd feel the same way if I called for her and her number was disconnected and there was no way to ever contact her again. I'd be worried sick. What did I do wrong? Worse yet - did something tragic happen to her? That would gnaw on me for a long time.
I recently had a conversation to this effect and we both agreed it would not be fair or kind to just drop contact without a word. Friends don't treat friends that way.
BK
while I'm not "worried sick" (way too natural for a provider to simply vanish for me to assume anything negative), I certainly have some concern and hope that she is ok. I also miss her company and that selfish feeling would be much easier to accept if I knew that she had retired for something better (ala Christy Spice).
Well as you can tell from my recent posts and questions - I was about to end my relationship with my ATF because of some revelations I had made in myself. But ... I've realized I want to keep seeing her so I will get myself in better shape - mentally - to keep things in perspective. Hate to throw the baby out with the bath water. And the thought of telling her on this next trip - "Bye bye forever..." Well, that would have been very tough.
Hopefully she is so busy with "new" regulars she doesn't give it too much thought. Life goes on!
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