So I'm doing my usual leadership reading, relating it my own experiences, and I come across some interesting stuff that somehow makes me think of the TER folks as much as makes me think of the climbers I lead. It's from the National Outdoor Leadership School's 2001 "Leadership Education Toolbox":

"One of the most powerful changes a leader can make is to become a more differentiated self.  There is no substitute for bettering overall group health than to have a highly differentiated leader at the helm.

The theory of self differentiation says that we all operate under an interplay of desires for individuality and for togetherness.  We are spread out on a continuum with how we balance these forces in relationship, which in turn helps or hinders how we deal with life's stresses and challenges.  On one end of the continuum are those who are very stuck together in relationship and less differentiated as people.  On this end, a person's emotional reactions are easily triggered, intense and prolonged.  In relationships, whatever one does, says or believes, radically affects the other person and vice versa.  This may show up in total agreement, constant arguing, reactive distancing, or extreme independence.

On the other end of the continuum are individuals who are described as well differentiated, emotionally mature, and who can bring a lot of self to any relationship.  A person is comfortable being who one is, and saying or doing what he or she thinks he or she needs to say or do, in any relationship.  The togetherness forces are not felt as deep longings or intense reactions, but as basic attention, care and interest in one's fellow human beings.  This allows someone more choices about when to go along with others and when to be an individual.  Reactivity decreases markedly with each step along the continuum of self-differentiation.  Highly differentiated leaders maintain a good deal of calm even when people are disagreeing with them or resisting their ideas.  They keep things in perspective, seeing both paradox and humor in themselves and life.  They can be very emotional - but they have more choice about it.  People generally have more connected relationships, make better choices and are more effective leaders when they have greater self-differentiation."

This is good stuff.  Many of the TER guys and some of the gals too do tend to feel the togetherness forces as deep longings and intense reactions, when a healthier approach would be to feel these forces more as basic attention, care and interest in the other person as a fellow human being.  Less intensity, more calmness, more distance. (And more calmness also, for example, when you disagree strongly with someone on this board).  A calm and deep understanding of who we are, a high comfort level with ourselves, a very positive feeling of being in control of our lives - these are what I try to teach people how to experience through climbing mountains.