That time I smoked crack with a hooker.

That's my favorite one, not saying its true exactly, but given my profession it makes it so funny when I say it. I use that one a lot too.

I had been married about seven years. Got home from work late-ish one night, and she was sitting on the couch watching TV. I said "What's for dinner?", and she said (without looking up) "whatever you make, asshole".

Pizza it is. I went out to pick it up, and there was this nice looking chick waiting for a pie, and I thought she was checking me out, so I struck up a conversation. Next thing I knew, I was in her bed, banging her like there was no tomorrow... and afterwards, I fell asleep! I woke up an hour later and panicked. I was running around, pulling on my clothes, and then I asked her if she had any baby powder - she pointed to the bathroom cabinet, so I grabbed some quick and rubbed it on my hands, and flew home.

I got back home with my cold pizza, and the wife shouted at me "where the hell have you been?!!!" I told her I met a hot chick at the pizza parlor and banged her so hard that I fell asleep... "sorry about that, honey".

She walked over to me, grabbed my hands, and smelled them.

She spat at me, "You've been BOWLING, you prick!!!"


true story.

Nothing like getting the answer first hand!

I'd love to hear if anyone else other than Clarence has had luck with this.