Puzzled shopkeepers who have been rubbing their hands with glee at the sudden, inexplicable rise in the sales of electric toothbrushes, reacted angrily today when the Government called for restrictions on their sale to teenage girls on health grounds

Workers in the Adult industry have long known that electric toothbrushes make excellent sex toys, but it is only now that the health risks of this shocking tide of self-abuse have been laid bare after we reported the results of a major new survey of British teenagers conducted by the independent market research company, Rabbits R Us, earlier this week.

Thankfully, our socially responsible Government is determined to nip this fashionable 'lovebrush' vice in the bud—or possibly the clitoris—as we discovered when we spoke to junior Health Minister, Geraldine Spottiswoode. Mrs Spottiswoode (44), a mother of two teenage girls who are themselves addicted to this dangerous habit, has tabled an early day motion in the House to restrict the sale of electric toothbrushes to women over forty.

"Why forty?" we asked. "The age of sexual consent in this country is sixteen."
"Because women over forty are basically past it and the ones who aren't are unlikely to get a thrill from shoving a tiny, vibrating toothbrush up their flaccid, furry front bottoms. I tried it twice and still haven't found either of the bloody things!"
"But what's to stop men buying toothbrushes for their teenage girlfriends?" we asked.
"Are you serious?" snorted the minister derisively. "What bloke in his right mind is going to buy his girlfriend something that outperforms his risible little todger and fits inside the smallest handbag?"

"Good point," we admitted. "But won't restricting the sale of electric toothbrushes have a negative impact on our teenagers' dental health?"
"Are you kidding? Have you seen the crap the average thirteen-year-old girl stuffs her spotty face with? It'd take an army of electric toothbrushes working around the clock to save the nashers of these pizza-guzzling, diet-coke swilling morons. Let's face it, they can always get new teeth—provided they're prepared to wait a couple of years to find an NHS dentist who will treat them—but re-building their barbecued, minced beef curtains is another matter. Now that parents have been alerted to the scale of this epidemic, the cum-hungry little wankers will just have to learn to use their fingers like we did."

"Fingers?" we asked.
"Yes, fingers," bristled Mrs Spottiswoode. "Nature gave them ten fingers and a brain. Why the hell don't they learn to use them properly? Or if they prefer something softer, let them use their teddy bears."
"Teddy bears?" we repeated.
"Er...I didn't say that," replied the blushing minister, hastily covering the magnificent, but rather sticky looking Stief bear beside her, with a cushion.