(Originally posted in the Regional Boards)

This Man's Man has seen one too many times the joy of an intimate encounter spoiled by ignorance, lack of information and a host of other CORRECTABLE foibles.  And he can stand it no longer!  Take the information in the message and commit it to memory so it is etched into your mind for ALL time.  Both you and your Provider Sweetie will benefit (--but you'll reap the real rewards!)

Chapter One: Personal Appearance.

Men stink. It's a fact, men do MANLY jobs: Fighting fires, winning wars, crawling through tunnels, digging ditches, and fixing cars. And at the end of a hard day you want (and deserve) a good, downhome BJ from a beautiful member of the opposite sex.

Problem is: you ain't clean, brother. Now, not every encounter is going to allow you to gussie up like a first date--but that IS the objective. So let's start with the basics:

THE BASICS

1. Take a shower. If you can't, ask your Provider Sweetie for one when you arrive. Even if you are clean, a 45 minute drive in LA heat can create sweat in places you don't want sweaty (yet).

2. When showering, make sure you get under the arms, between the toes and the the FULL groinal area. That means the crack between those fuzzy little buns of yours and underneath your twigs and berries  (ie: c*ck & b*lls). All kinds of nasty things want to cling down there inlcuding bits of toilet tissue and fecal matter. USE YOUR HANDS and scrub those areas, compadre.

3. Your mouth. It's always a god idea to brush after every meal, but some experts on our field say brushing and flossing can cause micro-abrasions and tiny amounts of bleeding. Practicing safer sex means no exchange of certain body fluids, such as blood, which can carry HIV. So if you are going to DFK or DATY, you should at least have toohtpicks handy (or a little Swiss Army knife with the built-in plastic pick) to clear out the remnants of that spinach souffle you wolfed down for lunch.

And, yes, your Provider Sweetie likely has Listerine in her bathroom, but you two are probably going to lock lips before you get in there. So get some of those little bottles of mouthwash you see at the drug store (or those melt-in-your-mouth breath strips, a roll of Certs or a box of TicTacs), keep them at the office or in your glovebox--and freshen up that magical tongue of yours before you go to town.

4. Got time to shave? DO IT. Women's skin is far more sensitive than ours and although that rough beard may be a turn on to some, you can't lose by having a soft mug--especially when it's pressed up against those luscious parts of the female body we all cherish and lust after.

5. Hair. Dandruff, seborrheic dermatitis, and psoriasis are royal pains inthe ass. But they can be controlled. Daily regimens with Selsun Blue, T/Gel, and Coal tar shampoos--when used as DIRECTED--can help keep these mood killers at bay.

THE NOT-SO-BASICS

Every encounter should be treated like a first date. Except your Provider Sweetie is going to let you do a whole lot more than just get to first base. But that means she's probably going to be involved with parts of your body the typical Man does not regualrly examine too closely. Except for now. May I have the microscope please:

1. Body Hair. This topic gets the message board treatment constantly. Let's put it to rest for good, shall we? Start off by investing in a good nose/ear hair trimmer. Men, we are hairy bastards. You've got to harvest that crop in your nostrils and ears, and trim those eyebrows REGULARLY. Yes, it's a pain in the ass, but you'll look better and feel better.

2. And speaking of ass (and genitals, too) a good tool like the Philips BodyGroom (http://www.shaveeverywhere.com) is ESSENTIAL. Trimming the scrotum and the hair around your anus makes it much more enjoyable for your Provider Sweetie (and any other Sweeite!) and makes it easier for YOU to keep CLEAN (seeTHE BASICS). This is the premiere tool for your loins if you don't wan't to use a Mach 3 razor down there.

And any of the Phillips Beard and Mustache trimmers (set on #1 or #2) are ideal for trimming chest hair, ass hair, legs, arms, knuckles, etc. And the joy of trimming means no razor burn.  But if you do like using a regular safety razor, razor burn can be controlled/reduced by using cornstarch based powders like "Shower to Shower"--you can also use just plain cornstarch--and it's better for you than talc.  Plus, balms from "SmartShave" (http://www.smartshave.com) will also help.

Afraid your At-Home Sweetie will become suspicious of her Grizzly Bear getting all civilized? Inviter her to XXX her nether regions, too. Make it fun and sexy. Get her the femme equivalent of the Norelco at http://www.beavershaver.com.

This is the last time the Man's Man will address this issue. Until being ultra-hairy comes back in vogue, you will get much better service "down there" when you clear cut that forest. You'll get turned on by the look, too.

3. Nails. If you plan on using your fingers in your Provider Sweetie's oh-so-delicate-areas, make sure your nails are clipped and without SHARP edges.  Keep a nail file or buffer handy--you don't want to be scraping your cherished one's most cherished parts. And make sure your fingernails are clean!!! If you've been wrenching on a car all morning or you're hands are stained with the blood of hundreds of laid-off bourgesoise workers, use the tip of the aforementioned nail file to clean 'em up.

3a. Toenails. The most neglected of all and the most gnarly when uncared for. Keep them clipped and clean. Unless you both a have a mutually agreed upon fetish, most Provider Sweeties will relish a clean set of tootsies.

THE ADDED EXTRAS

Anti-bacterial soaps have their place, but studies are showing that excessive, daily use can cause more problems than helping. That's because they destroy ALL the bacteria on your skin, including the helpful ones--leaving you open to more skin problems than if you used regular soap. Google it.

Dry skin. Winter makes more of it and men who work hard with their bodies are more susceptible to it. But putting  a moisturizing lotion on your hands, feet, elbows and knees can go along way to getting your Provider Sweetie to nibble all over. Don't like scented lotions? Cetaphil (available at your local drug store, Costco or http://www.cetaphil.com) is hypo-allergenic and unscented. Your Significant Other probably uses a variety of lotions and potions. Tell her you're tired of feeling like a piece of 60 grit sandpaper--she'll likely have a jar of something to rub on to you or, depending on your current relationship, throw at you.

A daily moisturizer for your face is essential, especially if you work outside. If you are allergic to botanicals (ingredients from plants) Clinique makes moisturizers--for men--that are 100% fragrance free and allergy tested. You've walked past their counter at Macy's a thousand times while you were ogling the hot chicks in the Cosmetics Department.

Want to go all out? Get a manicure or pedicure from a nail salon. It's usually done be a female so the erotic stimulation is a trade off for the embarrassment of getting your nails done.


THE EPILOGUE

Nothing mentioned above is a big secret or anything new--but men don't think about them often enough. Start implementing these tips today. You'll be happier, your Provider Sweetie will be happier, and the economy will get stronger. Everybody wins.

Until next time, Gentelmen...