I recently saw a provider where there seemed to be some chemistry beyond the expected. In the end she asked me out to lunch for "no charge". We had a very enjoyable and expensive luch (I paid of course). She gave me her private number and other details about her personal life which I would never share with anyone, said to call anytime. The way things went it appears that she is truly interested in "civilian dating". I am usually very analytical and not easily fooled, but it's easy to fall hard for a pretty face. We are supposed to go out again next week. I am completely comfortable with this woman and have no issues with "dating a provider". Has this happened to anyone else? Am I the luckiest guy in town, delusional, or being set up for a scam?

Reating a provider

Has happened to many with different outcomes ... Ask yourself these questions again after your "civilian date" then you'll have a better picture.  hobby safe hobby well hobby all you can be

Reating a provider

How old are you?
How old is she?
Are you rich?
Does she know about your financial situation?

Maybe she is genuinely interested in you. Maybe you are rich, maybe  she has found out and is trying to set you up.  Who knows????


I used to see a provider. I called her one time and she said she is having a relationship with one of her clients. She is 30. He is 47. She told me he bought her a car, paid for her school tuition. leased her a condo, gave him his credit card and so on.

To be honest with you I dont trust 95% of the providers.

or perhaps don't ... be brave and see what scheme she cooked up for YOU ... and surely just you, but of course!

and by all means keep up posted. for once, i'd like to see how this plays out any different

If you have no qualms about dating a provider there's harm in seeing where things could go. But don't be so quick to throw caution to the wind. My advice is to keep your emotions in check.  Being a provider she has intimate meetings with countless men so a richer, funnier, taller, more handsome, etc.. guy could come along at any day and you could be discarded like yesterday's news.

Think with the big head. Easier said than done I know, but if you start thinking with the small head you could open youself up to disaster.

On the flip side, I once fell for a client in a way that was no less than karmic, was very serious about him, expected us to get married (according to him)...it ended in disaster...

I was soooo lovesick I could not work, could not bear anyone else coming near me, had zero savings since I only ever worked part-time, had school expenses etc....He was wealthy and once I was about to lose my apt. I was soo broke I finally asked for some assistance and he suddenly believed I only wanted him for his $$$...(even my eviction notice didn't sway his feeling)...

He stayed with the woman he had ben living with for EIGHT years but had refused to marry, cheated on, told to leave (but she refused, which SHE admitted to me at one pt...)all because he did not believe my feelings were true...
He later admitted to me he made a mistake, but that it "was too late" (one marriage certificate and one baby later)...(yes there's more to this but too many details to list)..):


The situation with him FLATTENED me emotionally, physically, mentally...it was because of him that I retired...and have not committed to anyone else in my heart since..I am still in love with him...): And have not been able to bring myself to "work" since...Unless I am destitute, I will never willingly participate in such a situation again...

If you have a significant other, it's not fair to her for you to see her again...or if you don't feel the same way...you need to straighten this out pronto before you are both hurt...(or just her if u r viewing this as just "freebies"..)

If she is offering to see you no fee, it is not a game, despite the fantasy escorts work for NO other reason than the $$..

perhaps any of your ponderances.

Some good advice has all ready been posted.  Your writings do make you sound as though you are one to think with the big head.  

I have been one of those who has "fallen" and I think I went with my big head.  I also think that I came out OK for it.  By that I mean that I am not hurting at this moment and I've had a blast with her.  It still may not be over, but it is different now and that has happened as a natural course of events without a blowout or massive emotional breakdown.

I think if you go into this with your eyes wide open you can have a good time.  You can love and be loved.  You can enjoy her and she you.  You go into this knowing what she is and what she has done and what she will be doing.  Think that part through very thoroughly and consider how you will be with it.

I don't necessarily believe that she will leave you for richer or more attractive or older etc.  If she has it for you that's all it takes.  Furthermore, if she knows that you will be letting her have her life as she wants to live it and be supportive and nonjudgemental you can be very happy.

I say this from observation of my own escort/lover.  You see, she is married.  The most interestine thing is that her husband lets her see me because she wants to.  If it makes her happy it makes him happy.  I have taken her places she would not likely have seen and given her things that she would not have had by way of her husband.  I am that richer guy... and the older guy.  There is no sneeking around about this, and he is not missing out on anything from her.  She and he are very devoted to eachother.  And, I too do not attempt to deny her seeing others.  She enjoys sexual variety very much.  

I suppose one way to put this is that she is not being "used up" by being an escort.  There is still the whole person there for me when I see her and certainly her husband gets her full love and companionship when she is with him.  Neither of us is lacking for her being with either of us or with others.  This is her job and her job has requirements of her time and attention as would anyother job.  

One important point is that her attitude is one of comitment to him first.  If he needs her, she is there for him and will not accept a date.  If she is with me she is with me totally and only accessable to him and no others. On that issue, he respects her time with me and only would make contact if there is a pressing issue.  

If you can feel that this sort of arrangement can be reached, it does work.

I wish you well.  And do keep your fellow hobbiests posted.

-- Modified on 7/18/2003 8:10:47 PM

-- Modified on 7/18/2003 8:15:26 PM

There's a non-zero, but slight, probability that she just really likes you.  Frankly, the less your financial status, the higher the probability.  No harm in finding out IF you can keep your wits about you and recognize the danger signs when (if?) they occur.  Only you know how big the "IF" is.

Aside to singleton: see, we do agree on some things.

-- Modified on 7/18/2003 8:12:56 PM

Reating a provider

Dating a provider? OMG  lol

Just kidding, know something? I've dated several women in my life, two women that worked as escorts. Rarely can I discern the difference between a lady working as an escort and a lady working as an admin. Both are people, both are women and both have needs that have to be met. I wouldn't be any more afraid to date a woman that is an escort than I would be to date an woman that is an admin. It doesn't matter what a woman does to make a living, you can always end up with a broken heart.

Take her out, enjoy her. Have some fun, and try to keep focus on the woman, not the profession.

I have been, and I'm having a blast.

cuz then there would be some hope left for mankind !

there's no good reason in always thinking that we ourselves are never complicit in contributing to the mess that (inevitably) ensues.

i'm soliciting help in the coinage of a new mantra for the brethren (at least i THINK it's original, but u never know) which is --- the ONLY true litmus test of "love" is when she forgoes MONEY completely and unreservedly --- it's just as literally pink-or-blue as an actual litmus test

IMHO ... if you don't have that, then sadly you have *nothing* between you - other than some kind of "friendship" and one based on money


but this is all academic really ... only one's own experience will burn this mantra into your brain like a pirated piece of software onto a CDRW ROM

nothing in life looks black-n-white by default until you first see it with your own eyes  

i pray for color




PS. i'm sure we agree on many things


-- Modified on 7/18/2003 9:52:45 PM

GO FOR IT!!!
Why not.

You appear to be on the fortunate side of the fact that yes, the ladies of our fantasies are in fact, real people and form relationships.    It happens.   So ... go with the flow.

BUT BE WARNED BUBBA  You may also be about to enter the spin cycle of a washing machine, too!

You say you don't have a problem dating a provider.  Good for you.   But we'll talk again in six months - when she can't spend a weekend with you because one of her regular big spenders is in town and wants to spend the whole week with her in Acapulco and buy her things you could never afford to buy her.   Maybe after she's had a really good week ... really excited about some nice people she's met ... and wants to share her feelings with the person she really cares about (you) but then talks for an hour about a guy whose richer, more handsome and has a much more exotic life than you could ever imagine.   Make sure that you and your ego are up to the task.

I used to own a Nude Strip club ... and I saw 'dancer boyfriends' all the time.   Spent a lot of time hanging around watching "their girl" seemingly make out with other men .. and a very few could handle it .. most couldn't.   I finally made the rule that boyfriends weren't even allowed in the club.  I figured "hey wait a minute .. SHE can't come down to your office and hang out watching YOU sell insurance all day, can she?"

Dating a provider is a good deal, don't get me wrong.  I'm just telling you as someone who's been there more than once - that you need to keep your wits about you and not let your ego get in the way.  What she does ... is a JOB, get it?   Just like whatever YOU do for a living is a job.   Of course she DOES get involved with her clients ... she likes some, others maybe not so much ... a few she REALLY likes - maybe even enamoured with them.  She's even going to have orgasms with someone besides you.  But she comes home to YOU because she WANTS to, not because she HAS to.

If you ever get a sense of overwhelming curiosity about the details of her work - keep in mind that it COULD BE a sign of some sort of growing insecurity on your part.  I'm not saying don't indulge your curiosity, just be watchful of your true motives.  If you get a sense that you can't handle what she does for a living, try not to make your problem into her problem.  There's plenty of people here you can PM, Email or even call - there's enough of us to form a support group ... but it's all too common for the man to let his ego take a hit and them blow some little thing out of proportion to make it look like her fault.

If she's willing to accept you as you are, faults and all (and you're a man, so you have PLENTY) you have to be willing to accept her ... and her life, OK?

be a JOHN and play your part ... be thankful that she still lets you give her money ... and let her f**k around as much as she "needs" to in order to feel "love" for YOU

as long as you accept and admit to the role you're playing -- sorry, living -- then you can seek some semblance of happiness too

Cynicalman 2.0
(AKA singleton)

.
.
.

anyone see the real Cm, this job may be too big for me!  LOL

that us guys had cameras on the end of our dicks sometimes ... so we could see what we're getting ourselves into.

Jimbomania

with a provider I'd been seeing, I think I have something to add.  Many of the pitfalls are already mentioned, so I won't dwell on them.  
What I would add to the discussion is that the two of you need to leave being provider/hobbyist to each other behind.  That's not as easy as you might think.  In my case, she didn't say so directly, but she made some comments as if my impression of our relationship was just an extended appointment, one where I didn't need to bring any emotional commitment, a "casual fling."  That I still saw her as more of a provider than as a girlfriend.  Which isn't true, but I couldn't convince her of that.  There seems to be an inherit mistrust between providers and hobbyists, where we say they only want the money and they say we only want the sex.  If you are to date, you have to get past that mistrust.  Not sure we did.  
I will tell you that getting your heart broken feels the same.  Provider or civilian.  It hurts.  All relationships are risks.  If you think you've got the chemistry with her, then go for it.  I wish you the best of luck.          

I first got into the hobby when a met a beautiful lady in Cabo San Lucas, our first time together she spent the night.  I started going there twice a month and saw her everytime.  After three months and her spending two or three nights with me each time, we had a long all night talk about breaking her rules (most of which we had already done)  (1) never see a client more than three times in a 6 month period (broken) (2)never ask to see her without paying.  This one we followed for almost a year (althought her rate went from $200 per hr. to $250 per day)

When that rule got broken all hell broke loose and within a month she would not have sex with me anymore, even going back to the $200 per hr.  Love can really FUCK UP a good fuck.

I can only speak personally here........but I have been in a relationship with a provider for just over a year.  We met for an hour appointment which turned into 5 hours (mostly talking to be honest) It was clear to me that we were hitting it off on some level but I was very cautious and skeptical because.... well...I was paying her for the GFE after all.  She then asked me, somewhat nervously, if I wanted to go to her home so she could make us some dinner.  She made it clear to me that she simply "did not do that sort of thing as a matter of course". After some consternation I took her up on the offer and we ended up having a wonderful two days together.  Taking the dogs for a hike...normal sort of stuff.

At some point we revealed to each other that we had a mutual crush.  She made it very clear that she wanted to see me again in a non professional way.

We are still together and very connected a year later.  She was and is part-time in the biz.....she has taken months off at a time when it was financially feasible...she works when it works for her as she finishes her dissertation and deals with the inane rules governing student loans and income restrictions.  Sometimes we support ourselves and sometimes we help each other depending on circumstances..our finances our a team effort as in any long-term relationship.

It can work if EGO and INSECURITY don't get out of hand because you will have a moment when the fact that she is with another man..wealthier and more exotic than you...will drive you just a little bonkers.  But that could happen if she was an admin.  asst. to a CEO as well.  So, like any relationship, to a great degree your future would depend on your mutual ability to work through all of those issues which break up couples as a matter of course.  Hobbying or no hobbying.  

But of course..the exact nature of what she does for a living is guaranteed to expose your worst insecurity, trust and esteem issues.  It cannot not.  So be prepared, at the very least, to honestly examine yourself and why you react to certain things in a certain way.  I believe it can work, but unless you are living with an internal source for validation and identity and are able to maintain a trust in her "intent" with you and your "intent" with her.....It probably isn't going to end too well.

Facts: statistically, a man is never going to leave his wife about 90% of the time. If he does, then you are one lucky woman.

Also to the ladies who do get involved with their clients, regardless if they were single/married, or whatever:

If you decide to date a client, make sure you are still getting your fee from him.

Example:

I had once dated a client, and at first, I was overjoyed with the fact that he would come over after I was done with my appts. and spend the rest of the time with me. But, after a while, I got sick of him only wanting to see me during the days that I was "working", and somehow he would be busy during my offtime (He was a single). One day, we had ordered room service, and when our food had arrived, he told me to lay back, and relax, while he goes to the door to take our food.  Lord behold, the very next day, he leaves for work, I go downstairs to check out and find out he never paid for the food! I had a whopping bill from just the food we ordered. I paid the bill, and called him up on the phone, and made him come by the hotel (he worked in the same town as the hotel) and pay off his portion of the bill. When he arrived at the front desk, I told him that our special relationship was OVER, and for me to sleep with him again, he would have to be a client. He apologized claiming that he didn't know what to do with the room service bill, when presented to him. Oh PUH LEASE. Next thing he would have been telling me is that he doesn't know how to wipe his a$$ next lol. Well, we did meet one more time after that incident, and it was not the same. We both had bad feelings on both sides. I never heard from him again, and I was relieved about that.

Ladies, just remember NOT to be taken advantage of if you decide to follow your heart, rather than your head.

I had a five year relationship with a former provider/PS, it was awesome.

Life is about risk!

HPG

"If she is offering to see you no fee, it is not a game, despite the fantasy escorts work for NO other reason than the $$" -- The Anonymous Escort


i find it "interesting" that there is a "woman" or two on this board that is willing to see the light and SPEAK it

and even more interesting that it's almost always under an alias

They hobbbyists on this board are some of the mose insightful guys anywhere! I'm not expecting a committed relationship to come out of this, just like with any casual dating situation. Nor am I expecting a "Pretty Woman" conversion. This lady can certainly get richer, more attractive guys than me to use up or scam if that's what she was into. So maybe she would just like a guy who isn't a total pig or a cheapskate to take her out, spend a little money and have some laughs - that's no different from any other woman who is skilled at "using" her man.

I don't intend to kiss and tell about this woman here, but I'll check back in if anything of interest develops.

Anonymous, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I do not have an SO and would never lead someone on as you describe. She specifically stated that our lunch would be no fee. I wound up spending a lot of money at that restaurant, considering it was only lunch, but that was totally my choice and it didn't have to end up that way. Everything from that point proceded just like any other great date would. I'm not bold enough to think I could scam a freebee either. I'm just presuming that she is a provider by occupation only, and that she is a real person who has a life beyond her occupation - just like most of us do. Thanks for sharing your story.

Read my posting, and don't be like that jerk that I mentioned in the post, and things should go smooth for you.

Also, try seeing her in a different setting, altogether different from a hotel. I think the biggest mistake a woman can make (which I did), is not allowing a relationship to mature outside the bedroom. If you want to meet her on a day off, or when appts, are done, meet her at a resturant, park, movies, or wherever that doesn't have a bed. Don't insist on taking her to bed either. Go dutch when ordering a meal. Or be a gentleman and offer to pay for a meal. I hope this helps, and my fingers are crossed for both you AND her.

-- Modified on 7/19/2003 1:20:01 PM

I am divorced, do not have an SO and would never make promises that I did not intend to keep, nor would I scam anyone financially. What this guy did really sucks. Us guys are not all like that. And I would not expect sex from dating a provider any more that I would from a non-provider. But it is nice to know that sex probably would be available and that she is a professional at what she does for a living. Is that any different from a woman dating a contractor who can do a great job of maintaining her house for free? (ok, maybe it's a little different but hopefully you get my point).

Reating a provider

In regards to Dating a provider, I may have made the mistake of falling in love.   I have become very very good friends with her. I hope there is a future ahead. Only time will tell.
AS she has said lets take it slow.

Thanks, GettingLucky (and hopefully laid every night)

I know that deep in my heart, that there are some good, decent, gentlemen out there. But, I refuse to let myself become involved emtionally with another client, no matter how smoothe he presents himself to be. I will always remember the whopper of a bill at the front desk, and that will keep me out of hot waters, so to speak, in regards to my heart. Yes, I hear horror stories on how some ladies are able to dupe an older gentleman into paying her college tuition, by only saying that she loved him. In my case, I have been single for close to 3 years now (my choice), and was feeling lonely, and I really wanted someone there in my life. It goes back to a saying that my mother told me, when I had broken up with a boyfriend a long time ago: Sometimes, you are best up happy with a cat and a condo, than end up with some a@@hole" How true, Ma..how true! lol

-- Modified on 7/19/2003 2:58:04 PM

I notice that you used the word "smooth" in your description.  It strikes me that many ladies (civilian and provider) get into trouble by looking or falling for the smooth operator.  It is usually the smooth talker who gets the lady to accept the bad check, etc.  Hopefully when looking for a relationship we try to look past the surface.  And yes guys get sucked in by looking for the beautiful face and the ego stroking comments as opposed to trying to look beneath the surface at the character of the person involved.

It is probably smart on your part not to get emotionally involved with a client because those relationships seem to be harder to maintain than those started outside the business.

Some great comments and feelings.  My big problem with my affair was it was my first experience paying for sex, so I had all the old attitudes about these women and quilt for paying for something so personal, but I knew I had just met the most wonderful women in the world.  

Talk about ego problems and insecurity.  I was OK when I was in the States but when I went to Cabo and she was not with me I was a mess.  She always made me see at least one other girl each time I was down there, and although I really enjoyed the experiences I got I was paranoid  about what she was doing.

I remember one night we were out for diner and she got a call and said she couldn't talk and to call her back in 20 min.  I just lost it and could not get control.  She made me take her home.  Here I was in my forties and acting like a high school kid.  

Falling in love is always dangerous and this has a lot of baggage that a regular relationship hopefully wouldn't have.  But after all is said and done I would do it all over again in a heart beat, so that is probably the real answer from me.


-- Modified on 7/19/2003 11:53:04 PM

Reating a provider

As someone also dating a provider, I can only say that being in love is the only reason to do it (also being married makes it easy for me).  What I mean by that, is that if you are single, why date a provider with all the potential complications?  Find a civilian and go have a life.  For love, tho, everything and anything is possible.  For that reason alone, I would go for it!  Otherwise, hope that you are a very together person for your emotional faultlines will be exposed quite regularly.  Good luck and wish me the same!!

I would call it a free shagging lol , not dating. To me, dating requires to single people. Not when one is married.

To me, the term dating by itself doesn't mean comitted relationship. It's just "going out on a date" (or dates), for no charge as a civilian. I didn't say "having a long-term comitted relationship" with a provider. That would get very complicated indeed. I don't think that will happen here but life is full of surprises.

By your logic why see a provider, just "find a civilian and go have a life". I know you don't feel that way. Good luck to both of us

-- Modified on 7/21/2003 7:24:17 AM