My ATF is not a TER member, nor does she read the message boards. If she did however, I would write her this letter. I post this because you, my fellow TER readers, are the only outlet I have. I hope I can touch at least one of you with this post, as much as I have been touched. Thank you TER.

My Sweet SpyGirl,

Yesterday, my day started off with thoughts of you as soon as I woke up. Anticipation of our date later that day makes it hard for me to concentrate or think of anything else. From the first time we met, we had an instant connection. We both felt it. You stayed with me nearly all night that first time, long after your friend left. We talked about everthing from physics to sex to relativity, and back. You're an old and wise soul in a young women's body.

In the weeks following, we've grown to greatly enjoy each other. We've shared our personal stories, our problems, our dreams. We share a common passion, and the sex is the absolute best I've ever experienced in my life. And I think you feel the same. Our turn-ons are nearly identical, and you love to tease and pick-up other girls with me. You crave me and my body as much as I crave you... it shows in your eyes, your face, the way your body trembles and the way you can't control yourself. You're truely a beautiful young women, with an amazing hourglass figure, so soft to the touch, so sensuous... even if your image of yourself is damanged. What means the most to me though, is your cute face and the little sounds you make when you're enjoying the moment. I can't put it in words, but you touch my soul.

I picked you up yesteray afternoon, and took you shopping. We were like two new lovers, laughing, giggling, teasing each other. I think of us kissing in the dressing rooms and watching you pick out your outfit, the earrings, and stuggling with which Victoria Secret outfit you look the best in. You're driving the sales girl crazy! I'm sorry your self image is so hurt, because you truley look good in everything. After drinks, we arrive at the hotel room with in-room jacuzzi. I remember how delighted you were at such a great room (as compared to others we've had!). We shower together, and have sex in the shower for the longest time. We're so into each other that we both forget everything and everyone, except ourselves, for these precious few hours. You model your new outfits for me, and you're so cute with your poses. Later, we go out and have fun dancing and teasing two college girls... who by the way, wanted you sooo bad. We get ourselves so horney again we can't wait to get back to the room. We fill up the jacuzzi, put in your sweet bubble bath, and spend the next few hours in the most amazing love making session. You are so sensative to the touch, and wonderfully sexy that it hurts my heart when I recall the images and sounds. I'm so sorry I had to leave in the wee early hours... just had to deal with family issues. It feels so much like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I also forget the donation part.

I wake up early today, after only a couple hours sleep, and drive as fast as I can back to the hotel. I'm saddened that I missed you just by a couple minutes, but am hopeful you can make it back in an hour or so. I look around the room... your smell is in the air, and the memories of just a few hours ago are overwhelming. I scoop a handful of bubbles from the bath, and it smells like you. My eyes glisten in an emotional moment. I curl up on the bed, and drift off to sleep, hoping that you'll be able to meet me soon. Around noon I wake up and realize you're not going to be able to make it. It was at that exact moment in time that I realized I'm falling in love with you. I begin to cry outload, uncontrollably for a few minutes. Crying not because I have feelings for you, crying because I realize I cannot see you anymore. Honey, you've deeply touched me physically, emotionally, mentally... but due to both of our situations, this is a relationship that simply can't be. And I know that if I don't cut it off now, I may never be able to.

Sweetie, I hope you know how much these past weeks have meant to me, and how special you are. I wish you all the best things in the world. The thought of not seeing you again is tearing me up inside... but I thank GOD for my emotions as painful as they are. They make me who I am, and I'm going to feel them all I can.  In some way, I feel you've strengthened me, and my family, and I thank you for that. I only hope I've helped you in your life, and given you some inspiration to go for your dreams. I'll remember our times together for the rest of my life. I believe each person has a soul mate, and hopefully in the next life we'll be there for each other. I love you.

space ghost this is even making my sponge bob panties sad... can I lick you and make it all better ? (its a beautiful letter)

kitten

Thank you Kitten. Wow, it takes a lot to make ol' Sponge Bob sad. I'm glad you liked the letter. I feel a little better having written it.

Just when I am thinking about moving over to the dark side, you write this wonderful letter.

What a beautiful reply to Mara's post although you did not mean it to be. I admire your courage.  

I had also thought to start the process of disengaging from my ATF because my depth of feeling right now far exceeds her.  I also have a family to consider.  However I called my ATF who is 5-6 states away from me on a business matter.  She was so up and I was so down so I called her back and she cheered me up, we booked some time together.

I know at some point I will need to gather the will to do as you have done since she has made it clear and I believe her we have no long term future.  She is trying to start a legitimate business and change her life.  If I am included in her life whenever that starts , it will be as a friend and not a lover or S/O.  I will enjoy the time I have left with her and not worry about the future.

I hope everyone who thinks they are romantically involved with their ATF whether one sided or not will get a chance to read your letter.

I wish you the courage to carry through with your convictions and thank you again for your wonderful letter.

Thank you for your kind thoughts orthodx. I too hope I have to strength to follow-through. Best of luck with your situation as well.

Dont make me use my spank ray...

( would attach a pic of the tshirt. . but its in the wash )

Wow, what can i say. Your letter touched off alot of bittersweet memeries in my mind.

While i've never been in your situation with a provider i was in a similiar one like it once with a lifelong friend of mine. In the end i not only lost a lover, but a friend of over 25 years. We just weren't able to readjust to a lesser relationship once we passed that invisible line in the sand.

Best wishes that everything works out the best way for you and she.

Give me a break!!  This is ridiculous.

What a beautiful letter.  Any woman, provider or not would be touched by your words and sincere feelings.  

Seems like you owe some $$$$$ (EOM).

beautiful letter. It makes me sad.

I'm sure she'll miss you and your money.  This is pathetic.

I once felt the way you do.  My ATF is now married with a 8 month old baby.  But you know what?  She is still my best friend.  The physical part of our relationship is in the past, but we see each other when we can and talk often.  We share a deep bond.  My point - relationships of all kinds need to grow and mature.  Just because one or both of you may have to move on in the future doesn't mean the relationship has to end. You have made a life long friend.

So many replies come to mind ....

Our turn-ons are nearly the same?  You like having sex with men for money, too??

Our Dreams are the same?  You dream of hooking up with a decent looking rich guy with shit-for-brains, too??

You love her?   Well gee, that changes everything.  Tell her that you want to see her as a girlfriend, not as a provider and see how much access you get.   Then just for fun, driver her to a couple of outcall appointments and wait while she models her outfits for another dude and then bones him for 2 hours straight.  On the ride home, sit quietly while she talks about him, how he does it, what he likes to do ... his turn-offs and turn-ons (one of which is bbjtc - ask her how he tasted).  Think you can handle it?  

Better yet.  Tell you love her and want to marry the old, wise soul in the young body.    Betcha her legs start moving in rotation in the air for 3 seconds before she gets enough traction ... just like a cartoon character.  Bet she leaves skid marks.   Speaking of which, how does the old, wise soul in the young body feel about being at home, laundering your skid marks?

Yes ... There are so many ways to respond......


O H   P U K E !   comes right to mind.

How unfortunate that love can sometimes cause tremendous  pain ..  Some people go through life NEVER experiencing what true, unconditional love really is. I admire your strength courage and honesty....  I truly believe there is a reason for everything.   Be thankful that you were given the opportunity to experience the "real" deal while some others will spend their entire lives trying to find what you had.    If you need a little comfort, you can always give me a call....... (wink) In the mean time, maybe you should take up writing as second "hobby"?  You had me reaching for the kleenex!  XXOO, Amber

good luck.

For twenty years an old woman fed a monk while he meditated in a little hut she had built for him.

One day she wondered if he had made any progress, so she employed a pleasure girl to visit the monk.

Following the old woman's orders, the girl caressed the monk and seductively demanded, "Now what?" The monk answered, "Nothing is warm. Just an old tree growing from cold rocks in the winter."

When the old woman heard this she exclamed angrily, "I have fed that fraud for twenty years, and he shows no loving kindness! He needn't have been passionate, just a little compassion would have done."

The old woman never fed the monk again.

I'm spending the weekend at a management retreat at a gorgeous resort hotel on the Sonoma Coast. The topic of the retreat is "difficult conversations" and one of our speakers yesterday began with the premise "the most difficult thing about being in a relationship is realizing that the other person isn't you."

Spaceghost, I read the first half of your post and stopped, thinking, "Oh Oh, another poor guy who's fallen for a provider." One of your respondents made the same inference, offering very sober blunt images of your potential future as you sink into despair driving her to her hot dates-for-cash, etc. (wouldn't THAT be a trip!)

Then I read further and realized that YOU'RE talking about breaking it off. In the end, I have no idea whether you're struggling to escape before you ruin your "real life" relationships, or whether you're lying to her PRETENDING to her - or yourself - that you care as deeply as you say because you can't - or never had any intention of - lettting the "real thing" go. Those are pretty polar opposites.

I'm not trying to be inflammatory. What I'm learning - way too late in life - is how little we ALL understand ourselves, let alone each other. The incredible power of sexuality certainly compounds that confusion, because unless it's just you and your video it's TWO (or more-grin) people with powerful urges, emotions, and motivations coming together from different, and in some way very private, perspectives.

Many - but not all - of the guys here seem to cluster into two groups - those who get clobbered by cupid while emptying their bank accounts, and those who are tallying their sexual travels (while emptying their banks accounts). Some of the latter group seem pretty well adjusted to their own lives; i.e., "it's cheaper than a divorce" is likely 1000% accurate.

Bottom line is, I can't tell from your post just WHO is over-the-top infatuated with WHOM here. It does sound as though one or the other of you is going to need some pretty strong support in the weeks ahead.

Good luck!

How dare you call me shit-for-brains, you arrogant idiot.

Perhaps before you put your foot, leg and asshole in your mouth, you might want to know a little something about which your talking... if you can call it talking. Your unfounded assumptions are not worth my effort in response, and serve only to show the rest of the TER readships what an absolute MORON you are.

Oh, I'm sorry, the rest of the readership won't be able to see your true colors, because you posted under an alias.

There are so many ways to respong...
COMPLETE ASSHOLE! comes to mind.

come here tree hugger lover.. I have a fishnet knee cap I would like to bend you over
; )xo
mo

1. Pathetic.
2. Learn how to spell. "truely" and "truley?" Come on now. This leads me to believe that there's no way in hell you were discussing physics.

I have to say that your response to OffMyMeds was a bit over the top, Ghost.  I know that you are in a "sensitive" frame of mind right now, judging by your thread.  However, you have made enough posts on here to know that people have differing views on things said on here.  While OffMyMeds was a bit extreme in categorizing you and using the "shit for brains" phrase, he actually is only echoing something that many, many posts have expressed, which is the "hobbyist falls in love with the provider, provider does not reciprocate as much as hobbyist thought she would" scenario.  Admittedly, you did a twist at the end by terminating your acquaintance with this woman, but you had to expect that on a board with so many cynical voices, someone would not be moved by your display of emotion.

I know that I am setting myself up here for being seen as a cynic myself (which is amazing, considering you "melting down" Cynicalman with this post...I hope he is seeing that I am cynical, too), as well as incurring your wrath and the disapproval of all the ladies who have been so touched by your elegy to your ATF.  However, in spite of the caustic tone with which OffMyMeds used, I have to admit I shared some of his, uh, cynicism about what you wrote. I don't know you or the woman, as almost none of us do, so we are all going from scratch.  However, if you can dispute some of OMM's implied weaknesses in your scenario, please do so.  You shared something that was pretty personal with all of us, to include your imaginary Dear Jane letter to this woman, no matter how kindly worded it was, so it shouldn't be out of the question to support how your scenario is different from the one OMM painted, which, again, has been painted countless times on here.  In addition, if this woman wasn't a provider, and wasn't looked at by almost all on this board as being tough specifically because of it, you would have elicited howls from people for dumping her (and I have to assume it was because you are married) and for posting your feelings about it for the general public.

Don't get me wrong, Ghost...to a certain extent, I know how you feel.  I developed feelings for my ATF as well (she is not on this board), and I had to back off from her, although for much different reasons than the ones I am guessing motivate you.
However, I would have never shared something like that with the entirety of TER, most of whom I don't know (and some of those who do know me don't necessarily like me , specifically because I didn't want to hear people rag on it, which I knew, no matter how I worded it, some would, as well as because I felt that it would be vain of me to post something like that.  I am not accusing you of being vain in your post, but inviting a lot of strangers into my personal feelings is something I can't relate to.  

Okay, my armour is on now.

"It feels so much like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I also forget the donation part."

I'm sure she didn't forget about the donation part.  LOL!!  Is this a joke?  Because it's hilarious.

bimmerguy - A very insightfull response. I take no offense, in fact, it's made me think. I can offer a few comments in return.

First, yes it is me that is talking about breaking it off. And No, I absolutely am not going to lie to her. I'm going to tell her exactly the way I feel, and we can mutually decide what's best. I believe she has similiar feelings for me, but we will be finding out shortly.

How right you are about the incredible power of sexuality and how little we understand it. I've had a lot of sexual encounters (in and out of the hobby) that did not involve strong emotional feelings.... and those sessions were great. However, using my current ATF as an example, once emotions and feelings are added to the picture, it's amazing how much more powerful and amazing the sex is. It's almost like turning on a faucet or something.  Or course there is a downside to the sex curve after a while (years), and that's why many of us married guys are in this hobby in the first place. The place to be is at the height of the sexual power curve... how to stay there is the mystery.

I started out in your second group... tallying my sexual travels. But ended up in the first group by accident. Now I question what the hell I'm doing in either group, my marriage, my career, everything. It's a good time for reflection. And yes, boy could I use some support right now. Unfortunately, these answers can only come from within. I am seriously considering some professional support (help). I feel like I'm at the prime of my life, and I don't know where to go from here.

Seeker, I will be sharing a version of my letter with her shortly, and we will discuss where to go from here. My intent has always been to tell her, and I'm happy for this TER board to help me think things out.

Spaceymc - Well, my armour has been off this entire thread, so no need to worry about that now. My main motiviation here was self-therapy to help me work out my feelings. And this has indeed helped. I hide behind my TER ID, as we all do, and so I'm not really concerned about exposing my personal life to the board.

You asked for some specific disputes to OMM's post. Well, I'll offer a few:
 First, while this lady is a provider (right now) by the strict definition, she is a part-time one at best. She normally only provides two-girl shows, with no insertion from the guy. That was her arrangement with her SO. That arrangement was also relayed to me by her friend who introduced us (before I met her). I have no reason to disbelieve anyone. As stated in my letter, we hit it off together, and things went much further that she'd originally planned.

 Second, since I've known her, her only other partners have been her own SO and other girls. Some with me, some without me. Of course I cannot 100% prove that, but I'm confident that it's true for a number of reasons.

 Third, she needs the money so she can get away from her SO. Is she in love with my money? Sure, she needs it. But I also believe we could both have a relationship together, outside of hobbying, if we both wanted to. Whether that is the right thing for me (or us) or not is the question, and the purpose of the letter.

 Finally, she does not consider herself a provider. That may sound strange, considering again that by definition she is, but she probably would not be doing it if it wasn't due to her personal situation right now.

Okay, I'm tired of writing. I think you can get the picture. I plan to discuss these issues with her, and we'll see what happens.

She may miss his money but love is never pathetic unless you have never felt it.

Sound like you have been through it? Why give someone else the crap for how you feel with your experience.
Many situation are different--if yours was bad say so but don't kill the dream of some else.

Spaceghost,
Having been in your same position recently, all I can offer you is the the following: you were quite fortunate to be able to meet and spend some time, somewhat limited perhaps, with someone who was able to touch you and although for all too brief while, it has changed your life for the better. For this, we should be grateful. If she is not coming back (and I doubt mine will ever return), then be thankful for those memories of the time shared. Those memories will always be there even if she is not.

Well put Sparker. I couldn't have summed it up better.