I'm not to sure what I'm expecting by posting this message.  I just found out that my ATF has lost her battle with cancer.  She meant more to me than just a provider, she was a very special sweet lady that died at 31 leaving three young daughters and a husband.  I am in the position that I have nobody really to talk to about this, so I came here.  How did others handle this situation?  Please pardon my rambling here.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Some of us develop very close relationships and it's hard not to be able to talk about them to other friends. If you find that you really need to talk this out, I would highly recommend a therapist.

You may get some good advice from LG on The Erotic Highway.

It would be hard to explain to the S/O what I was seeing a therapist for.  I don't think she would be very understanding.

I am so sorry about this, my heart goes out to you.

xoxo
L

the good times...and the Fun times...and the passionate times You spent with her...don't remember the cancer and her battle...but remember her Life and the Joy she brought...it's hard to lose someone especially when they are young...and all I can say is...Time...time heals...and it Will take some time...but just remember her as her and Not the battle she fought, because that was Not her....sending You a Kiss...a Big Hug...and I do feel for You...Take care, Ailey

I'm assuming you can't really do anything public or even express condolences to the family overtly or otherwise but I'm wondering if it would help (you, that is) if you made a donation to some organization (Am Cancer Soc; a local hospice; a scholarship fund) that you think she would approve of and be grateful for. Write a check and only you have to know why you're making the donation.

Disclaimer: I'm not a therapist or anything like that. I don't know if the above is a good or bad idea. At the time I'm writing it, it seems like a reasonable suggestion and better than crying in your beer thinking "there's nothing I can do".

-- Modified on 3/12/2010 8:39:45 PM

sweetie I hope your heart and soul heals fast from your lose.I had a grandfather and a aunt die from cancer.It's tragic and unfair.

When you lose anyone close to you, it's heartfelt and sad. Hang in there first of all. As a tribute to her and if you know her real name, send a donation in her honor to any charity that supports  cancer research. Finally, don't send any flowers or other bereavement notices to the family unless you know they are welcomed. If you must, just send it and say from your friend.

Similar experience

About two years ago I had a similar experience. By pure fluke I learned that a very dear client had died of a heart attack. I spent all day crying when I found out, and came here and posted about it. The hard part was of course that I had no other outlet. I certainly couldn't attend his funeral or offer his family condolences. But I am at least glad that I learned that he had passed. Knowing ws better than wondering why he suddenly stopped calling.

It makes me appreciate the opportunities I have had to make a genuine connection with some of the gentlemen I have gotten know. Realistically, no I don't connect with every single man I meet. That just isn't possible. But there are those ocassions when the line between business and friendship gets a little blurry, and I am glad for it. If the time comes when I can't make that sort of connection, I will know its time to hang up my garters and retire.

Appreciate the time you had with her, and recognize that connections like that are what make life sweeter. Take care.

long term "relationships" with a provider can become very personal and very important to both parties. Very close. How could they not, really - being human and sharing what starts out as straight P4P sex but sometimes becomes a high level of intimacy, regardless of the compensation factor.

I know several ladies who have shared to me their grief at the loss of long time clients, so I've heard the pain they felt at this situation.

I have made arrangements for my dearest provider friends to be notified in the event of my passing and to be included in my funerary arrangements.

I have one suggestion that might sound a little melodramatic...but trust me, I did this in another situation...

Write her a goodbye love letter.  Do it in your handwriting.  Relate anything you think is important in your mind and would be in hers.  Maybe some thoughts you shared and the good times.  Don't concentrate on the sad...make it happy...but very importantly..make it your real feelings about her.

Then take it somewhere very private and read it to her.  Read it out loud.  

Then burn it or otherwise dispose of it.  Don't keep the letter around for obvious reasons.

Trust me...you'll feel better.

Good luck and I'm very sorry to hear about someone so young with family leaving us so soon.

take it outside, hold it and say to yourself what you would have wanted to say to her, then let the balloon go and watch it float away into the lovely blue sky.....

Hope you feel better soon and know that she is in a better place with no pain anymore.

Umm, I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

I can appreciate the relationship you had with this lady and know it was something special.

Without getting into detail, it would, and still does, breaks my heart when something awful happens to these ladies.

It's a fucking shame.

I hope your friend is in a better place and you are as well for being there for her in spirit.

remember the joy and comfort. try to stay away from the questions of why her and why so young. these have no answers. none of us get out of this alive. the best we can do is leave with good memories leaving good memories behind for others.

treasure the ones she left you.

It's always difficult to reconcile such an emotionally devastating event. The only way to avoid this is if we don't ever care about others... Not much of a choice in my book.

Gate gate paragate parasamgate bhodi shaha!

she was 6 we had a family reunion and we all released a balloon in her memory. Her favorite color was purple so there were over 100 purple balloons soaring towards the heavens sailing over the ocean it was peaceful beautiful and it does help you let go some.

wow, I am sooo sorry, thats hard to hear about anyone, especially someone you were so close to! My condolences.

and this is one reason why I think this is such a fine site.

I thank the lord that so far I've never experienced the situation you describe, but given time and the number of people with whom I've grown close I know that I'll eventually be in the same boat.

Given the wonderful outpouring of sympathy and good advice shown here, I feel blessed to be able to tap this rich source of comfort some day.

Best advice of all:  Remember the good times.

im very sorry for your loss.

its not suppose to happen but we do develop strong feelings for certain ladies that we see,it does sting when they move on, disappear or retire,ive felt this a few times,its a loss of a good friend no matter howyou say it.

It's hard when we lose someone who is close to us even in the best of circumstances.

But it's even harder when due to the nature of the relationship we are unable to seek solace with others in this time of need.

I hope the thoughts and wishes from the members of the TER family provide you some of that solace you seek

Honor her by keeping her in your thoughts -  thank her for the gift of herself that she gave you.

C_K

I like the written message & ballon ideas.  Sometimes a cry is good for the soul.
jtp

It's particularly painful to have to grieve alone. I'm glad you shared your loss with us. I know I'd be very sad if one of the lovely ladies that I've grown close to died.

And 31 is way too young to leave this earth.

xoxo,

Steph

From a practical perspective, it usually helps to stay busy with things that can keep you mind occupied. If you can do that for a couple of weeks, then you may find that you can consider the relationship and loss without quite so much immediate pain.

People say time heals all wounds but that's bullshit. What time does is give us the opportunity to learn to live with the wounds that are so deep they don't heal.

From a not so practical perspective, take some time to really sit with your pain and fear. See where it leads you. When something like this happens, we are presented with an amazing opportunity to do some serious internal work and you might be surprised what  will be uncovered by following the pain.

I'm not a licensed therapist, but I work with several people informally about things like this. If you;d liek to get together, email me at [email protected].

My condolences go out to you, it can be a hard stone to swallow. I had a similiar experience about 6 months back, in where I hadn't heard from a long time regular in too long, and when I texted him(he was unmarried), his sister called me back to tell me of his passing the previous month. I was heartbroken, but luckily had another provider friend to talk to, so this board might be your best bet, since you're around others who have been in the same situation as your own. God bless!

I have lost a significant other to breast cancer as well as one of my very first provider friends in the industry to the same desease.

As I have learned to handle the grief and emotion in my own life, and that of my kids and extended family, I have found the best thing to do is find things to laugh about.

The women in our life, even if only for an hour, provide us with a connection.  Some are only for mantoy pleasures, but the great ones find a way to take you to new heights and build memorable smiles in your heart.  As you go forward in hte hobby and make new connections, let the pleasures past be enjoyed as well.  Don't maudalin or get all sappy over it, but in your own memory of her, you find the new connections keep your connections to her fresh.

Sounds wierd, and maybe I have just compartmentalized too much, but the wonderful ladies I have enjoyed over the last 10 years, in their own way have helped me to keep my memories of my SO fresh.

If you really want a more activist role, I would suggest joining a Breast Cancer support group.  Seeing the strength and beauty of these women as they confront the challenges of this terrible desease, will help you to appreciate her strength all the more.