When I was married I hardly ever got any from the spouse, so that's why I came to the hobby.

Your SO can't expect you to always meet his demands, so why not have him visit a pro as well?

Maybe you should post this over on The Erotic Highway. Love Goddess generally has a much better basis for insight than most folks. But, here's my 2 cents

It sounds to me like the issue is power rather than sex- who is going to control who? Most arguments in serious relationships aren't about the topic of the argument; they're about power. If he's making you feel like crap over this issue then what he wants is for you to feel like crap- not sex.

Given the circumstances, children, etc. it sounds like he's lucky to be getting any!!

Hi - I'm probably not the best one to answer your question - I was married for two years and have cohabited quite a few times but never more than three years, mostly because of the way a military career shapes the lives of service members. And I have to admit, that I have hobbied even when hooked up. But as simplistic as it may sound, and as much as I may be disqualified from offering the opinion, I honestly do believe that a relationship worth keeping has to be based on a genuine care and respect for each other as whole persons. Sex is great - perhaps it's what makes the world turn, after all, but if at any time any of my exes told me that my behavior was driving them away or making them feel bad about themselves, I would have changed my behavior. That's what it means to care about someone.  In a relationship where there are time constraints and outside obligations, sex needs to be cherished for quality rather than quantity, and it needs to always be mutually enjoyable. Sounds like some communication with your BF would serve better than an opinion from me, or the hobbyist community in general....  best of luck - Ciao Bella

I haven't been married nearly 25 years, nor am I as old as your or your SO, yet what your SO is complaining about is more than I've ever had on a regular basis. Yet I'm here, so I'm certainly not claiming to be contented with what I've been used to getting. If I'd been having sex anywhere near that often, and especially great sex, I would have never found this hobby. Perhaps he doesn't realize how good he has it.

However, I don't think that the average means much of anything. It is irrelevant to your specific relationship. If you take what he wants, subtract what you are comfortable with at this time, that DIFFERENCE in relative frequency is the issue.

Throw in your being a provider (however infrequently) and things get murkier. Perhaps his grumbling is a way of indirectly expressing his jealousy over the time and physical energy you expend for clients.

You know how important the issue is to men, and also what can happen when things go awry for too long without compromise and communication. You are in a position to be more aware than the vast majority of civie women, so your eyes are open to the issue. But I'm sure knowing it doesn't make living it any easier.

My $.02 is to talk about it. Assuming you have been, continue doing so. He can't expect you to change and cover the whole differential yourself. He needs to compromise too. That is what good relationships are about. Whether it is in his expectations, or another way, he needs to adapt. Perhaps he could step up his efforts to pitch in in other ways, to relieve you of some of your everyday tasks. That would leave you with more time and energy, some (but not all) of which could be devoted to him and his physical desires.

Good luck!

I can only report on myself: I am 67 and perpetually horny.  I am married, but it has been sexless for a very long time.  I have a number of "friends with benefits" and I love to see professional ladies as well.  Right now, I have hooked up with a steady lady in her late 40s so I am holding off on the friends and the professional ladies.  I see my new interest once or twice a week.  I think about her all the time.  I relieve myself every day, but this has little to do with actually love making with a real live person.  If we go without seeing each other for a week, I really miss the affection and the pleasure I get in satisfying her. If we were living together, we would --at least for a while-- be making love every day,  How long would this last? Who knows.  I don't trust surveys that tell me how often people my age make love.  I think it depends on the circumstances, the physiologic drive of the individuals which is very variable, and their psychologic drive as well. I can tell you that physiologically, men peak in drive in their late teens while women peak in their late 30s or 40s. I can also tell you that after a while, things tend to cool in terms of frequency even in the most loving and passionate couple.  The real point is that, when it comes to sex, each member of the couple gets a 50% vote and there is probably no "normal."  The best one can hope for is to be on a similar rhythm and have similar tastes and a similar sense of adventure.

I'm pushing 60.  My wife is 61; I have a girlfriend who is a provider; she's 40. I love them both.

I have sex with my wife once a week.  I have sex with my girlfriend 3 to 5 times a week.  The two experiences are completely different.  With my wife, it's vanilla, loving and conventional; it lasts about 15 minutes.  With my girfriend, it is extremely hot, involves role play and lasts from an hour to all night. I don't think my sex drive is less than it was 10 years ago; if anything, it's more.  I could still do more, and occasionally will see other providers to take care of that, but I don't complain.  

There are times with both my gf and wife when they don't feel like it.  That's part of life.  As I say to my girlfriend, who tends to apologize too much, "Why would I complain?  I've got the best sex in the world with you."

I assume your SO knows you're a provider.  This may be complicating the issue here.  Sometimes it's hard to deal with my girlfriend telling me she doesn't feel like sex as she sets up an appointment. It's taken me a while to get used to it and to accept that her relationship with me is something completely different from her relationships with her clients.

The issue, it seems to me, isn't frequency at this juncture.  Based on what you're saying, you're giving your SO enough sex to satsify any reasonable guy.  The issue is, IMHO, whether the sex is providing both of you the connection and the intimacy that you both need and want.  It sounds like it isn't.  My dad had an expression for this:  "It's like getting fucked four ways without getting kissed."  

I'd also agree with the poster above who said the real issue may be power.

Sorry for the alias.  If you want to talk more about this, post a reply and I'll PM you.

-- Modified on 8/19/2008 7:40:52 AM

then you probably are. I am roughly the same age and the frequency of your sex seems rather normal to me. I am more of a "sex every day" kind of guy, but not neccessarily with the same woman.

Two things that you don't mention that are relevent, How long have you been together? and How much do you work? I have been involved with a few providers and this very issue has ended more than one of the relationships.

You state "he never gets enough sex", early on in a relationship daily sex is not considered a lot of sex. At the beginning of most relationships I would say I would expect to have sex 7-10 times a week for the first week or two and then gradually reducing the frequency down to 2-3 times a weeks after a few months.

The bigger issue IMO is the fact that "he makes you feel like crap" this one statement speaks volumes to me. You may love him, but it sounds like you already resent him. That does not bode well for the future.

-- Modified on 8/19/2008 7:52:25 AM

2 marriages, the first consisted of daily or more frequent sex unless extraordinary circumstances dictated otherwise. No children lasted 8 years and fell apart due to social incompatibility. The second was hot before the birth of our child and declined immediately after and then kept going downhill resulting in a 2 year state of enforced near celibacy while I motivated my ass to figure out how to resolve the situation (with a child involved I really didn't want that divorce so I did the mature thing and nearly drank myself to death). At 49 and looking again I could be pretty happy with a daily routine or with enough space and understandings regarding differences in preferred frequencies (I refer to this as a daily or open negotiation and have found it narrows the pool of potential partners somewhat). I'm serious about this as a priority and benefit from having only one child and her only 1/2 time.

I've been married 21 years.  I get sex once a month or so, only in missionary.  Oh yes, been to marriage counseling and a sex therapist, she just has no sex drive.

If I got sex once a week, was allowed to give and receive oral sex, and could have sex in multiple positions I would not be in the hobby.

When married - I was the one who quit the bedroom first.  Why? Because of the way my partner made me feel.  She criticised me for everything - even stuff I did not mess up.  Sex was my last retreat... sounds like he is making it the first point of attack - either way, you need to talk - probably with a professional relationship counselor.  

And to echo everyone else's comments, sounds like he IS getting a reasonable amount of sex - given ALL the circumstances - work, kids, going back and forth etc.  

Bottom line - I kinda agree with all those who think that this is headed to the heap of failed relationships.... but only time will tell...

Re: Head Count

I will have sex as much as I can with my wife. I like quality over quantity. So I have sex with her once a week or perhaps twice a month. I sort of go with the flow. I hobby to fulfill my fantasies.

I'm 55 and have been married to my 57yo SO for 27 years.  years 1-10 weekly sex, years 10-20 monthly sex, years 20-27 yearly sex (usually on our anniv or xmas when she has had too much to drink).  

I need a relief at least twice weekly.  Until I started to hobby that was self service.

I would consider myself happily married and probably would not have hobbied until we went from monthly to yearly sex.  That was unavoidable due to medical reasons.  I don't think there is a "normal" when it comes to sex between couples.

Only 3 heads should get a vote (SC-big head; SO-big head and little head).  SC kitty should also get a vote.  Of course, the hearts probably have a veto.

I am 53.
Last year I had a steady civilian girl friend (44) and when things were going well in the relationship, we would have sex 2x/day.  Otherwise daily.  I think the last week I lived with, we only had sex maybe 2x.  Should have told me there was a problem.


-- Modified on 8/19/2008 8:03:08 PM

Wow, so many interesting replies! I really have enjoyed reading them.
Carolina,
My heart goes out to you in this situation. When you say "he never gets enough sex" a huge red flag goes up for me. I was married to a sex addict and I learned a lot about this problem. We had sex 2 times a day. It was great and I adored him and I was certainly up for the challenge. But as time went on I realized that even at this rate he still wasn't being satisfied. I was actually becoming co-dependent and feeding his addiction. I could never satisfy it. I could only increase it.  You see, sex was not the problem. He had some deep needs that he was trying to fill up with sex. He didn't have the tools to recognize his needs for intimacy and wholeness. It is kind of like someone who eats too much when they are lonely.
I truely feel that your issue has very little to do with sex. It has to do with a struggle of power and an emptiness in his life that is not being filled. He is looking outside himself to make himself whole. He can blame his unhappiness on you as if it is your job to make him whole. It is not your job to do his bidding. And please don't give him the power to make you feel like crap.
A loving relationship is forged when 2 whole people give to each other from their excess. If one is putting demands on the other then they are asking you to fill a void in their life that you cannot fill. The two of you should come together when you both want to give to the other person from your heart, not your loins. If this were the case then your love would flow into lovemaking and the fact of penetration or orgasm would be insignificant.
If sex becomes a service that you are providing to him for his sake, then I think he should be demoted to your client instead of your boyfriend. Then you could let go of this passive-aggressive attitude toward him and really enjoy the sex with him like you do with your clients. You will have control and compensation. Tell him to book an appointment with you when you are in working mode.
I cannot judge whether you love your boyfriend from your post. So many ladies use the word love to describe a "feeling" that they have that just boils down to either their own addictions or plain old chemistry. Healthy love is a choice that we make based first on our love for ourselves and what is best for us. Choosing someone who brings peace and happiness with them because they are peaceful and happy. And vice versa.

-- Modified on 8/20/2008 7:56:41 AM

I think there is something more behind his desires.

I am in my mid 40's, and I would be happy with once or twice a week, as long as it was wild and crazy, and not just 15 minutes of plain vanilla. I'd love to have quickies in the morning, but that would be icing on the cake. I hear that Russian ladies are best for that (something about their culture, but that was 20 years ago).

I once read, that it is not a matter of how much each person desires, but how much priority each person puts on sex. What I got from that is: As long as each of you are considerate of the other's needs, then some accommodation can be met. However, when there is some other problem, then it is hard for two people to have a meeting of minds (or other parts).

Best wishes.