Ok guys, I saw a provider on a couple occasions. When it all started it was strictly business. We then started seeing eachother "off the clock". After a few dates, I feel like shes emotionally attached to me wheras from my point of view, its totally physical. She lives on the other side of the country and she asked me to visit her. I told her im up for it and she bought me plane tickets to go visit her. I am starting to regret it because she's now talking about getting serious. My physical self totally took over by me agreeing to travel across the country to go see her. Besides her, I've been seeing a great girl and I see it going the distance and I dont want anything to compomise this relationship. I know I seem kind of scatterbrained at the moment. Its because Im a youngin' and I've never been in a situation like this. I know what I should do, I just fear I may hurt someone who is emotionally unstable. I dont want that kind of responsibility.

Have any of you been in a sitiaution like this? If so, please share with me your experience.

Thanks.

First....you should post this on the Erotic Highway board...unless you already did and just didn't care for LG's answer. She's definitely a straight shooter and will tell it like it is. Sure, lot's of us are like that...but she has education and experience to form her opinions...while some of us just talk out of our asses.

So...if you've been seeing this "great girl" and "see it going the distance"...WTF is up with agreeing to this trip? Already in the cheating frame of mind like the married guys? At least they might barely have a shred of an excuse if they've been in a long relationship and the physical part has died. You're at the very beginning of something.
What's your excuse?

The "responsibility" you don't want.....you've already got it. And you put it on yourself...so no one else to blame.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do....because you obviously haven't decided what you want.
That's the first decision that has to be made before any plan or direction can be taken.

Just sayin'

Try taking a less soap operatic approach and tell her the truth. Young or not, grow some balls and be honest. I am against dating providers in the first place because most men can't handle that a woman chose to do this in the first place and now want to get into a relationship. You can't change what you've done, you can only make it right. She'll be a lot more emotionally unstable when you lead her down the path and when you'll find her on your front porch lying in wait. What will be your excuse then?

Show me a pretty woman and I'll introduce you to a guy that hates her guts. It happens to everyone now and again. The art of dumping someone is quick and precise as in "You and I are no longer!"

Call her and tell her something has come up and you can't make the trip. At the same time offer to compensate her for the full cost of the plane tickets she bought you.

...your case is a classic example of The Big Head knowing what NOt to do but letting The Little Head make the decisions.  Under the circumstances, there's nothing anyone on this site can tell you that you don't already know.
I had two experiences years ago with providers that are similar but not as extreme (meaning not involving cross-country plane flights).  In the first, a great girl I'd been seeing looked up from a great CBJ (this was in the pre-GFE days), looked at herself in the mirror, referred to herself as "April, the whore," and started to cry.  I felt for her but kept my stupid mouth shut.  Then I saw another one who told me she really liked me, only did the provider thing for kicks because she was rich, and offered to take me to Lutece, then the primo 3-star French restaurant in Manhattan.  Gave me her phone #.  I never called her.  Best if you do the same.  Or at least, if you do see her, don't do it under false pretenses.  Tell her you like her, love the sex but have no intention of seeing her exclusively or anything beyond that.  Good luck, and may The Big Head prevail.

So you know where I am coming from, yes I am married, I hobby, and I enjoy great sex with my wife all the time. But I only hobby with my wife's blessing and encouragement. I would never cheat on her. I have never got myself in this kind of mess.

If you love this girl (not the provider) you are seeing you should give up the hobby or see if she is OK with an somewhat open relationship. If not you should leave her and not play games with this lady. On second thought you are already cheating an it is in the early stages, dumb her you are not ready for a real relationship. Dump her, and save her the heartache you will bring her by following the path you are now on.

As for the provider, you are not her boyfriend so you don't owe her anything except an explanation and a refund on the plane tickets. You will hurt her as you have said she is emotionally unstable and you have something already going elsewhere. Best to do it now before it gets worse and more painful for the both of you. No matter what you will likely her both of them. Learn from this and get your act together.

RIP OFF    

APPEARANCE/10
PERFORMANCE 0

Gave a 10 in appearance since willing to fly him across the country(Gotta Say Something)

Performance a 0
Clearly a No Show, May not be able to find a replacement for the date at hand, Horny as Hell what am I to do now, I feel rejected since he went to another provider(She's playing a better hand for the time anyhow)

Please all read my review or this could happen to you!

Isa xoxo

This wasn't me all lol, Just helping the TER community is all!

Forget any statement that suggests you don't owe the provider anything.  If you've been with her off the clock, and it's been romantic, then you have a romantic relationship.  You need to treat her the same as you would any other woman who you are (or have been) dating -- with respect and consideration.  These are people, dude.  Right now it sounds like you're dating two women but are not really interested in a long-term relationship with one of them.  Fine.  Do whatever you need to do.  But don't pretend that anyone deserves to be mistreated just because she's a prostitute or because you met her as a client.


 



-- Modified on 12/3/2010 3:44:35 PM

What you are describing is really a civie relationship.

I've had this problem (of a provider deciding she's madly in love with me) or something akin to it a couple of times. The way I have solved it is by predominantly seeing women who travel, and seeing anyone local no more often than every 6 months.  I also restrict off the clock time. This way it is impossible for a lady to develop an inordinate level of attachment that could run contrary to her (and my) best interests.

Okay, let's look at this from a civie perspective. It just so happens that I've literally had dates with hundreds of civie women. (I said "dates" NOT "sex.") Lot's of people are unpredictable. I've had women stalk me, literally pitch a tent in my yard, harass my ex wife and all kinds of crazy stuff. It's just a matter of sheer numbers in that if you go out on dates with enough women, eventually you'll encounter practically everything that is out there.

Now, here is what I have concluded: the sooner and more definitively you dump a lady, the better.

Over time, a woman can become invested in you -- emotionally and even financially. If you have a woman investing ANYTHING in you financially, unless she's pretty damned abnormal, she has serious serious feelings for you. You really do NOT want it to get that far. Being jaded is a product of being hurt. Being hurt is a result of extending yourself. You don't want to create a population of women who have extended themselves only to be hurt because then they will be jaded and less likely to extend themselves for a guy who is right for them.

Therefore, ideally, you dump a woman the very instant you realize that either she is a bad match for you or pain will be in her future if you do not. I have literally told women right in the middle of the first date that things weren't going to work.

Letting it get to the point that she is buying you plane tickets and stuff is WAY the hell too far. You should have dumped her long ago.

The time to dump her is ASAP. Yesterday. Don't let her make even the slightest further investment of emotion in you.

Now, you have gotten yourself into a pickle. There's no way out of this without hurting her.

Dumping women is more art than science I'm afraid. Most women with any degree of attractiveness have never been directly dumped. They are usually the ones doing the dumping. So it can offend them to the very core of their being and their self-image. It can therefore inspire the most hateful and vengeful of responses. If you keep in mind that her direction of hatred and vengeance is inspired by her need to confirm and recapture her self-worth; you may be able to direct things more productively for her.

Obviously, you want to be as non-hurtful as practicable; but at the same time be absolutely definitive so she knows there is absolutely no hope for ever continuing the relationship. Allowing for hope can prolong her pain for no purpose.

You know her better than anyone else, so only you know how to pull it off with as little pain as possible while making it definitive.

You screwed up by letting it last as long as it has.

Okay -- one completely contradictory thought. You have a woman in your hand who is totally crazy about you. That seems an awfully valuable thing to throw away lightly. Are you SURE you don't want her?

I don't think I can handle any type of relationship with a working girl. I feel like i'd have to compromise a lot of my dignity and self-respect and I'm not willing to do that. Whats more puzzling to me is how she could see this going anywhere beyond physical, due to the circumstances of how we met, and the overall nature of our "friendship".

...you're going to dumpe her.

The old line "Hell holds no fury like a woman scorned" (or something along those lines) applies here in spades.....

If she has changed her business practices to accommodate you or has stopped or decreased escorting be due to you perceived relationship prepared for an unkind reception. IMHO

Which level of the # Levels of off the clock dating does this occupy? a) SWB (Sponsorship With Benefits), b) FWBK (Friends With Benefits and Knowledge) c) PBM (Potential Boyfriend Material).

1)Sponsorship:  While this 'getting emotionally attached' has increased, other than the waived fee, has there been any indication or request for other....favors? (given the plane tix, I gather not, but just asking)
If there are 'other requests', like hotel rooms, car payments, phone bill payments, innocuous purchases, etc. If so, you've become a 'supporter/sponsor with benefits'. Not a good thing. Been there, done that. Walk away without explanation.

If the answer to #1 was a resounding NO, then:

2) Do you have any similar feelings toward said provider? If you do, you have some serious thinking and discussions to have with yourself. Not that this cannot work out. But you must use your civilian glasses instead of the hobby head to decide what to do.

If you do not have similar feelings, and nothing has been asked of you...

3) FWBK: Are you sure she has an emotional attachment? Sometimes providers enjoy having non-business relationships just to feel more normal, after a constant stream of geeks and freaks. These are called Friends With Benefits and Knowledge. It makes it easy to do that with someone who used to be on the clock because they understand the game, and can offer a sounding board, and they truly enjoy being with you, physically and psychically. They may be scared as hell about relationships, and this may be all fun. However, I can share from experience, the potential for a relationship always looms in the background, and the chance os you becoming BFM is always flying lazy circles over your physical fun, so proceed with caution.

I have experienced them all, and the FWBK is pretty, pretty cool.
It's fun during, but it never lasts.

Cancel with the lady across the country.  Do not go on that trip.  If necessary, y'all talk it out on the phone and be honest about your not wanting to move forward.  Pursue the other relationship.

Take your almost SO (BTW, let the almost SO pay her own way) with you, have a great 3-some and then report back to us

my advice is: take it easy but take it.

you've agreed to cross country, fulfill that promise. just don't make promises you know you can't keep.

It's tempting to be with a beautiful girl for physical needs, but you need to pay back the ticket and tell her it won't work.  That is - if you really are 100% sure about the other 'great girl' who you see will go the distance.

Now if you're sitting on the fence and unable to make decisions, you're gonna loss both girls - I kid you not.

It sounds like she is the one wanting to develop attachments.

It's not always a business. Usually, yes, but not always. You forget that Sexual providers are human first and sex workers second. I have had providers "fall in love" with me on a level that was not business related.

He of course needs to cut the ties if the feelings are not reciprocated, which it sounds like he has the good sense to do.

If he has done any sort of off the clock romantic activities my statement of "As for the provider, you are not her boyfriend so you don't owe her anything except an explanation and a refund on the plane tickets" is off as she is not a provider to him, but a second girlfriend instead.

I was not advising him to mistreat anyone. My wife is a provider and it pisses me off when some people treats her less than human because of that. We should treat everyone with the dignity they deserve as humans. If my statement implied otherwise I apologize as it was not intentional.

My advise still stands to quickly and as kindly break it off with her as soon as possible still stands. Also he should admittedly reimburse her for the plain ticket ASAP. As it is plain she is emotionally evolved and prolonging it will lead to further pain on her part.

The OP has already treated both ladies very poorly and in a manner that could be really painful for both ladies. I really feel for both. The OP need to not hobby until he is mature enough to avoid these pitfalls. The OP also needs to treat the women in his life with more respect. Cheating on a SO is wrong no matter how you justify it.

although the provider "bought the ticket", it is likely to be expected by her that he will
pay for it, either directly or indirectly.

It is a business.

-- Modified on 12/4/2010 12:09:06 PM

Based on what you've told us, it does sound like she is beginning to cross some boundaries in regards to the way she is viewing you, but it also sounds like at this time that is speculation. I suggest you have an honest talk with her. As her what it is she is looking for from you. If it's more than you're willing to give, let her know. You may want to cut yourself out of her life completely, at least for awhile. It can be impossible to heal a broken heart if the other person is always in the picture somehow, or always available to communicate. I do think it is your "moral duty" to pay her back for at least half the cost of the tickets, preferably all if you did agree to meet her and she bought them believing you were going to do so.

As for your comment about not wanting to hurt someone who is "emotionally unstable", you are ultimately not responsible for the way a person responds to such a thing. The best you can do is let her down as gently and truthfully as you possibly can. Leading her on is only going to complicate things far more than they are already. You know what you need to do- do it swiftly to avoid prolonging the situation and leading her on any farther.