as we all know (or should know), the biggest (and costliest) mistake a hobbyist can make is to fall for a provider (as in "love"). a close friend of mine, who reads this forum from time to time, has recently committed the "cardinal sin" and now appears to be on the verge of doing something stupid and in the process perhaps destroy his life and career -- and most likely hurt those near and dear to him.

i'm soliciting your help (guys and especially gals) to show him the error of his ways and to 'cure him' of his misplaced and confused emotions. i can't give any more details, plus it doesn't really matter because i don't think there are any mitigating circumstances to *ever* make this the "right" decision for a man. many thanks.


"Terrence" ... LISTEN UP!  this is for you.

...Love happens. Not all will find it in their lifetime and it doesn't always show up as expected, but maybe it's for them, not you to decide how to handle it.

Everyone dies...but not everyone lives. Whether you choose to live your life or not, you may pay a price either way.

I've been in your friend's place before and can't relate my experience to anything said in your post. Sounds like you got burned in the past or are speaking from what you think is the truth about love, ladies and relationships…

SM


-- Modified on 5/17/2003 6:56:56 AM

you only live once for certain, so it is important to make the most of it.
Even after two happy marriages for a time, I have learned with age that the natural logical way for a man to go is a series of good relationships, for as long as they last, then move on.
Marriage can be a prison.
Darwin could not say this in his Victorian homeland of course, but men and women have very different relationship goals.
For men, you have your life, career, and relationships, spreading your oats to diversify and improve the species.
Women often want a home, one man, one marriage, and a stability that is foreign to most men.
Moving on to a younger sexier woman for a rebirth may be cruel to the ex, but it is as normal and natural as enjoying a bbj.

I suggest that you take a long hard look at your life and your experiences from a wider angle, and reflect upon what path lead you to your opinions.

In some cases they may be true, however, after an extended and wonderful relationship with a former provider, I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. Except for one, which is that we’re not together presently.

Sounds like you got burned after letting down the defenses, well, that’s just sad. However, it’s no reason to embitter yourself into blindness to a world of other possibilities.

HPG

a cardinal sin? i fall in love with every provider i see- i must have a lot of sins-it would probably take me a weeks of consultation in the confessional to get my record clean.love between two people is a beautiful thing-you cannot take it away from these two-but your making it harder for them. better to have loved and lost ,than to have have never love

since I am currently experiencing a very similar situation.  Financially and otherwise I have quite a lot to lose, not to mention that I may have nothing at all to gain if my ultimate desires for this provider do not fully pan out. I am in situation where an immediate decision is not necessary so I have plenty of time to find a solution....I don't know about your friend TS.  

But let me just say this, when you have been in this activity for a while and you move from admittedly great lustfull encounters to absolute lovemaking, the difference is quite clear and then very difficult to ignore. My situation really emerged when I went from hourly visits to overnights. There is a huge difference between a quick hour or two with someone and waking up with that same someone in your arms. With me it was the finest night that I have spent on this planet!! Hipro (thanks Hipro) and others have recently given me some help with my situation which is still not totally resolved one way or the other but I am making progress. One thing that may help is for TS to continue to see other providers, the best he can find.........they should take his mind off of this girl for a while, after all they're professionals at temporarily evaporating a man's problems.  Actually, this appears to be a problem for quite a few members.  Perhaps TER should add a Lovesick Anonymous Discussion Board.

I have written about this before.  I am still trying to make a go of it with my prvider girlfriend and who knows what will happen but it got me to leave my wife which already is a good thing for both of us.

The money is a bit of a sore point.  From her standpoints its like "If you love me you will help me stop working by giving me "x" amount" and for me its like, "if you have feelings for me then lets work it out and maybe money won't be an issue."

Can these issues be worked out?  I don't know but what the fuck?  I don't believe in reincarnation so this is the only shot I get.  

I'll bet your friend feels the same way...

It is a relationship fraught with terrible possible difficulties so every caution is needed. I see it as "que sera, sera" but be very careful.

"One thing that may help is for TS to continue to see other providers, the best he can find.........they should take his mind off of this girl for a while." -- Lust2love


believe me, he's heard this advice both from me -- and get this -- from HER as well. she's already told him that he's confused and that this kind of "puppy love" is bad for business in addition to being potentially devastating for him and his family.

i think they call it the "white knight syndrome" ... very sad

though she has her own problems/issues, she's proven to be righteous (at least for now). i can credit her for being decent enough not to gouge him and leave him out to dry.

Even the most persuasive logic will be lost on "your friend" because he's in love.  That means he's thinking with his heart, which has fewer brains than even his "little head."  He won't wake up until he smells the coffee on his own, which by then may be too late.

I've read the original post and responses here, and it's all familiar ground to me.  Been there, done that.  Won't do it again.  Fortunately, in my case the provider had some integrity and dumped me before I dumped my wife.  I was ready to do it, even though I knew I would never forgive myself if I had gone through with it.

One thing I learned from all this is that there is baggage a provider brings into a relationship which is difficult to impossible for the average man to deal with.  If you love her, you won't want to share her.  That means you'll want her to quit her job.  Guess what?  SHE WON'T!  Not unless you can compensate her to the tune of what she's been making.  Even then, you're asking her to give up more than just money.  You're asking her to give up her freedom too, which I've found is just as important to some providers.  Her job is the one issue that will probably sink most of these relationships in the long run, even if you don't think so now.  

Now, here's a question that all you guys should ask yourselves.  Is your relationship equal or one-sided?  I don't care what you tell me or post here, in your heart you know the answer (or will know, after enough time passes).  That's the first whiff of coffee.

Providers can be great friends, confidants, buddies, etc., but trying to make them into wives or girlfriends will likely bring you more pain and heartache than the outcome will be worth.  Sure, providers are people just like the rest of us.  Same dreams, wants, needs, etc.  But some jobs, especially those which are as much lifestyles as they are paychecks, put a real strain on relationships.  There are always exceptions to the rule, but that doesn't make the rule invalid.

Try to remember why you started hobbying in the first place.  I'll bet it wasn't to find a woman to fall in love with.  Don't spoil a good thing.  JUST SAY NO!!!!

You know, a lot has to do with the man's situation.  I'm single (widowed), and I stumbled into the hobby only about a year ago.  I'm seeing two civilians, but I'm also dating a couple providers.  I no longer see either of these ladies on a business basis, and neither is making suggestions that I support or subsidize her.  My relationship with one of my provider friends is becoming fairly serious, and very fulfilling.  She, her daughter and I have spent quite a bit of time together doing family stuff, and they've even met my son and his fiance on several occasions.  

Naturally, this would be a whole different ball game if I were still married, or in an exclusive relationship (all the girls know I'm not ready for such an undertaking at this time).

Maybe I've been lucky in that most of the providers I've met have been delightful people.  The lady with whom I'm getting a little more serious and I have talked about entering into an exclusive situation.  We've talked about various options for her as far as working.  One option we discussed is for her to continue as a provider.  She takes her profession very seriously.  And while I would certainly support her decision if she were to decide to quit, I will support equally her decision if she elects to contunue.

All in all, as long as both parties are available, I don't think it's NECESSARILY catastrophic if a hobbyist and a provider were to fall in love.

""If you love me you will help me stop working by giving me "x" amount""

Heaven forbid she should go out and get a 9 to 5, and then adjust her lifestyle accordingly.

Poor Singleton didn't realize (or didn't care) that he was posting in an unfriendly environment, but he is for the most part right.

Without going into a rant...it really comes down to this: An escort is someone who is prepared and willing to make a living doing something that the vast majority of women would NOT do. Sure, some escorts will say that it is because of "social pressures", etc...implying that many more women would be escorts if they could get away with it. I don't believe that...I do accept that many more women would be less monogamous if they could get away with it...that they would pursue relaitonships more like men...just looking to be happy...getting satisfaction from different relationships at different times. I don't buy that they would sleep with dozens and dozens of virtual strangers every year. I just don't think most PEOPLE, men or women, are wired that way (remember, not all guys are hobbiest either..) Sex IS an intimate act...enough said.

An escort is also someone who is willing to make a living doing something that is illegal...risking running afoul with the law. They are also some who is willing to place their life at risk to make a living...and not a controled risk with safety measures (unlike, say, a stunt woman).  Beyond any sort of moral judgement, this marks her as someone who probably doesn't see life quite the same way as most people in terms of the importance of stability, risk / reward, etc. Again, without being judgemental, this certainly marks her as DIFFERENT. No more than it would be smart to "tie yourself" in a dependent or emotional way to say...a bank robber...because of the risk / reward perspective being so skewed...should you expect to have a "normal" relationship with an escort.

Given those differences...an ability and willingness to have many, many sexual partners, and a willingness to live life on the edge, to me that makes it plain that escorts don't make the best life partners. Friends...sure. Lovers...absolutely. But...honestly...be in a relationship with an escort?

Again, it isn't a moral judgement, labeling her as a "whore". Not at all. It is about using the same sort of reasoning that you would apply for seriously dating ANY person...just how secure and stable a relationship can I have with this person? If "she" weren't an escort...just someone who you knew made a living doing something illegal and potentially dangerous... wouldn't it give you pause before you considered merging you life with hers? If she hadn't been an escort...just a woman who you knew didn't seemed inclined to go to a 9 to 5, and who didn't seem to think there was a problem expecting someone else to take care of her...wouldn't that make you wary?

Fortuately, I would be willing to wager that most escorts...maybe not the vast majority, but most, are absolutely aware of their uniqueness, and are not interested in relationships with their cleints. Singleton's friend is luck in that regard.

I just wonder about the guys who focus so much on "having found love", without giving thought to "is this someone I would have dated had I not had sex with her before I knew her very well". I mean...even at the extreme...weekly one hour appointments for a year...52 hours...in the real worlsd is only about a weekend together total, or perhaps 8 or 9 serious dates. I know **I** would never declare myself "in love" with some I had spent that little time with...am I alone?