She: "Why, *HotOffLoad*, I would LOVE to go out with you! In fact, there is an event I have been DYING to go to this year - could you take me to Octoberfest?"
Me: (Octoberfest - Egad! What have I gotten myself into?) "well, uh, sure, why not - Octoberfest sounds great. What time should I pick you up."
She: "How about 4pm? That way we can be first in line for the buffet and the beer mugs! Those complimentary beer mugs sell out quick - and last year the potato salad was all gone in the first half hour."
Me: (Potato salad! I HATE potato salad!!) "Potato salad - great! my favorite! What else is on the menu?"
She: "Oh, there going to be 3 different kinds of bratwurst and sourkraut and a dessert bar to DIE for!"
Me: (I'm going to have to eat stuffed pig guts and risk mad cow disease to get a piece of civilian ass? I wonder if it's too late to back out of this!) "You know, I'm not much of a bratwurst, hot dog fan...."
She: "Oh you will love it! It's WONDERFUL!"
Later, as I stood in line getting tickets for the event:
Cashier: That will be $25 per person for the meal....and $10 per beer mug....you can't drink beer without the complimentary mug..."
Me: (70 bucks for stuffed pig guts and a couple of ugly beer mugs? I can't believe I'm doing this!): "Do you take a credit card?"
Cashier: "And how many raffle tickets do you want?"
Me: (raffle tickets! You've GOT to be kidding!) "Uh...I don't know if...."
She: "Oh, we'll take 6! I feel so lucky! I'm sure we'll win something! Maybe even the grand prize!! The odds are MUCH better when we buy a bunch of tickets!"
Me: (If the grand prize is an all-expense paid incall to one of my favorite escorts complete with BBBJ and sex in multiple positions, now maybe THAT would be a prize worthy of a raffle ticket!) "What's the grand prize?"
She: "This year for the girls it's a hair makeover and permanent with a
manicure! The guy prize is a pair of authentic German Liederhosen!
Isn't that great?"
Me: (Well winning a 6-pack of Viagra is out - I wonder if I win, if I could exchange the liederhosen for a session with Starina to shave my pubes! Naw! A little too kinky for this crowd, I'm afraid!) "That sounds wonderful - I guess I will take 6 tickets. How much are they?"
Cashier: "At $50 a piece, that will be....$300."
Me: (3 bills! Christ! for this and the price of the pig guts I could of had a hour of quality time with Chrissy, Debbie, Kandee, Michelle, Sky, Brianna, Naomi, Starina, Kortney - hell! just about ANY of my favorite
ladies!) "Just put it on my credit card, please."
A couple of eons later (well it felt like eons), I found myself continuously (and self-consciously) supressing malodorous belches of bratwurst and sourkraut and attempting to converse with my date with an ill-practiced appearance of interest and attentiveness. My conversation was periodically interrupted by a succession of my date's friends & acquaintances requiring the ritualistic greeting and small talk reserved for those stationed in Purgatory while awaiting transfer to the Underworld: "Nice to meet you...Mary, is it? How INTERESTING that you are into sewing and quilting. You have a Huskvarna, you say? With a surger! How fascinating! ...And this is your husband John...how nice to meet you. Sorry to hear about your recent colostomy. Once you get the hang of applying the adhesive, the bag won't leak hardly at all!...So this is your neighbor Ralph? I understand you are quite the hockey fan.... (So am I if it involves juicy pussy with MSOG!!)...What's that squealing noise?...Oh! I'm sorry Ralph, I didn't realize...Yes, I can understand how feedback from a noisy room can affect your hearing aids... (Did I actually pay MONEY for this? When did I sink so low that I replaced the squeal of multiple O's with the feedback through a hearing aid?)
Suddenly the frightful din of inane dinner chatter all around us was pierced by the loud, grating sounds of an out-of-tune harmonica and accordion....
She: "Oh boy! Now the fun begins! Polka dancing!"
Me: (I most definitely am NOT in the mood for polka - a little doggie, CG, reverse CG, DATY, BBBJ, and 69 maybe - but DEFINITELY not polka!) "You know, I'm not a very good dancer..."
She: "Oh, don't be a party pooper! What could be more fun than a couple of hours of polka!"
Me: (Let me see....hmmm....did I mention doggie? CG, Reverse CG, DATY, BBBJ? Maybe a little 69?) "Your right - I can think of NOTHING better than an invigorating polka dance right now." (followed by a cold shower!)
She: "Oh boy! The dessert bar is open! Go get me something with chocolate! I REALLY LOVE chocolate!"
Me: (And from the looks of things from here, the chocolate must love the asses of the women clustered there at the dessert bar. I know I have been working out, but I don't think a battalion of trained atheletes from the NFL could battle through THAT offensive line!) "Certainly! I'll give it a try!"
After returning from the dessert bar:
Me: "Well, I found this black forest cake with walnutes or pecans, I think..."
She: "Oh, I can't eat pecans or walnuts! Wasn't there anything else?"
Me: (Walnuts! Pecans! Maybe if I smear the chocolate over my balls you would eat THOSE nuts!) "I don't think there was any cake without pecans or walnuts. Sorry!"
She: "Would you be a dear and go check? Maybe you can find something in mocha."
Me: "Would you be interested in a "couple of cups of coffee"? (If she ONLY KNEW!)
She: "Only decaf for me. I never have the strong stuff after sundown."
Me: (THAT FIGURES!)
Later still the universe has noticeably expanded and I am quite certain that the position of the constellations are no longer where they used to be when I started out on this date, I FINALLY hear the words I have been waiting for all evening:
She: "Would you like to come home with me?"
Me: "It would be my pleasure!" (maybe tonight won't be a total disaster after all!)
She: "I just bought the Director's Cut of the Lion King on DVD. I thought we could watch it on my big screen TV. I just LOVE those Walt Disney movies!!"
Me: (That's it! I'm in HELL!!) "You wouldn't have Toy Story II, by any chance?" (Unlike Toy Story II, My "woody" is NOT broken!!)
She: "No. I could never get into those Toy Story movies."
Me: (Nor will I be getting into your pants, I suspect! I should have known this would happen - I should have remembered my favorite Japanese Haiku - "First the man takes an escort - then the escort takes an escort - then the escort takes the man." I am truly doomed now! I have traveled over to the dark side and now I am trapped! Trapped in the alternate universe of eroticism and escorts, never again able to enjoy the conventional universe of my past!....)
She: (interrupting) "A penny for your thoughts?"
Me: "Sorry, I was pre-occupied - quarterly tax forms."
She: "Oh, I think you have a bad case of the 'over-worksies'. You know what they say - all work and no play....Don't you have any hobbies?"
That is what ya get, when the little one below starts speaking for the big one on top of ya shoulders there 
Next time, use ya brain what god gave ya, and you wouldn't be having these issues....
Signed,
The asses of the women clustered there at the dessert bar.
unfortunatately most men only learn this for themselves (for the first time) when they start to hobby ... of course, by then it's kinda like: "welcome, take a hit off this crack pipe!" -- as in "abandon hope, ye who are about to enter" - which i always thought should be carved onto a bronze plaque and hung over the entrance to TER (just like with Dante's Inferno)
whether it's civilian or hobby "dating" it's all the same form of "bondage" as far as men are concerned -- being enslaved to/by women (and their nookie essence) and not being able to do anything about it (remember the 1st step towards recovery is to admit we are powerless over p*ssy)
well i for one won't stand for it any longer ... MY FELLOW BROTHERS UNITE! ... it's time we woke up and smelled the [cough] salty sea-air and realized that all women want from us is our enriched manly essence (ying or is it yang? whichever it is THEY don't have) and we should all drink nothing but grain alcohol and unflouridated water and abstain from sexual activity and preserve our PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS!
Maybe you are lucky you didn’t get into her pants. I doubt things would have been too fresh down there after eating pigs guts, drinking beer and especially a lot of polka dancing. One good whiff of her malodorous snapper might have caused you to break all contact with the civilian world.
This is too funny!
I really enjoyed that story. sort of Kafka-esque. Rave on!
Definitely a first ballot Hall Of Fame post. The funniest line, by far:
"Would you be interested in a "couple of cups of coffee"? (If she ONLY KNEW!)
God Dammit, that's f*ckn' funny.......
Your wonderfully written account of dating and its costs should help to explain and convince my sisters why I choose to hobby rather than date civilians.
Great job Hot Load...I loved it. Lol...