TER General Board
Best Advice I Can Give Men About Women
And this one fits in the hobby and civie world....
Ever want to see how quickly you can be replaced? Make a woman feel that she is less than valued and appreciated. Particularly when she is feeling insecure and vulnerable. Because the cure for it is to replace you with someone who makes her feel special.
Stay tuned... next time I will explain why we do not talk to you when we are pissed.
Sometimes you can make a woman feel completely appreciated, prove to her she is the most valuable and have her not understand that you don't see her flaws the same way she does. Those flaws make her the valuable woman she is to you.
Then she thinks you deserve better, because she considers those flaws greater than you do.
Women are too complex to ever be simplified.
MM
My own view is that part of making someone feel valued -particularly if the are being insecure (but not rally insecure for the moment, in which case you should deny the justification for the insecurity. - is to treat them like a person whoyou respect, and that includes not just blowing off their feeling of insecurity.
What I often tell people who are engaging in heavy self criticism -in all sorts of contexts - is:
I see it differently; you're too hard on yourself (or something similar) But, hey, if you were truly perfect, no one could stand you.."
Messages intended:
You're not nearly as . bad as you think (I don't really think you have reason to be insecure)
But I am not going to simply deny the validity of your feelings (they are what they are) or even that you may have screwed up. (outriight denial of reasons for insecurity - unless you really mean it - sounds supportive, but is not good for any LTR, sexual or other wise).
Don't expect yourself to be perfect. It's ok with everyone else if you are not.
With a touch of humor/cheerfulness.
Too much constant bullshit, even if supportive bullshit, is not a good thing, as it will eventually be recognized and your credibility will disappear.
Men can feel the same way and have similar reactions, this isn't just a female thing. But you're probably right that women have the market cornered on this behavior.
The beliefs come from distorted thinking. But they can learn to be more realistic, and to recognize their thinking as distorted when it happens. Then they can learn to replace the beliefs with more realistic and positive beliefs.
Very true, and many times these negative thoughts come from very early in life, as in the Freudian years. They are very hard to replace, but not impossible. You can either believe what the world tells you, or what you know is true within yourself.
I think many people are too naive to consider that not everyone in this world wants or needs to be in a relationship. Many people simply LIKE being alone most of the time, and then having someone around on the weekends. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as it is expressed. Each time I have tried to actually consider a relationship seriously, I found myself backing out because I am so used to being alone. It's just scary knowing you will never have another free moment to yourself.
-- Modified on 3/25/2013 12:17:37 PM
But remember this... a relationship without adequate free and unencumbered time to yourself is captivity! I have no time for that either!
Often, these ARE the beliefs about themselves that people "know to be true". They are very powerfully felt on an emotional level. As the person grows older, the beliefs lead to "automatic thoughts", which pop up in the person's mind, and are accepted without question as being true and accurate. Yet those negative beliefs about the self are actually inaccurate.
A person can learn to recognize automatic thoughts for what they are, and to challenge their accuracy. They can learn to replace those beliefs with more realistically positive beliefs.
As an example, a person understands correctly that they do not need to be in a relationship to have a happy, fulfilling life, but there are other, different negative beliefs about themselves that they continue to hold, for example that they are lazy.
They "know to be true" these other negative beliefs.
The idea is to learn to challenge the negative beliefs about ourselves that we know to be true.
We do not have to accept every damn thought or impulse that is placed in our heads or hearts...we choose to accept or refute, and at times those thoughts win. It is much like someone trying to recover from an addiction...ever notice when you actually think about NOT eating, you are bombarded with thoughts of food? Same with drugs, alcohol, or sex...you try to train your brain to NOT think about these things, and by focusing on NOT thinking about them, you are indirectly meditating on those very things. Since our brains can't think about 2 things at the exact same time, the best thing is to do on purpose to think about something or someone else. It's tough at first, but many people have mastered the Battlefield of the Mind.
It may be fun to make the threat, but women are just as easily replaced.
I don't see why threats of any kind have to be made from either side. If you're not happy, simply stfu and move on! People need to realize that you can't force another person to be who you want them to be. Why would you want that anyway? I mean, a person who is only being that way because you basically demanded they be so? Seems pretty stupid to me. If a person does not TRULY want to be with me, in my life, etc. why would I want to force them to be there?
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