Down below a couple guys (Truth and Riker) mention that sex is a rather (at least by my standards) infrequent thing in their homes, at least with their wives.

Now me, if I were only getting it every 3 to 6 months, I wouldn't even bother more than likely - if she hasn't figured out that I am getting it someplace else, then she stupid, and frankly, why even bother with the awkwardness of doing it at all.

I am more curious about the phenomena itself...why does this happen, when does it happen, etc. I have one fairly distant acquaintance with the same complaint...he never gets any at home. He seems to always express fascination at the idea that women have sex drives and desires, because he implies that he has never seen it. Personally, I think he is something of a pervert - he likes to chat it up in a lewd way with all of our mutual female friends (including my GF), and he spends WAY too much time on the internet chatting with pretend women instead of doing something about his problem at home, IMHO (he even lost a job over this internet thing).

I am curious because in my marriage sex was never a problem. On average, 3 to 4 time a week. Less, if she was pissed off about something, or if *I* was really distracted by work. Sometimes more when she was feeling good about life (usually it meant thing were going real well at work for her). We did it more often when we first married, it tapered off after a few years, then picked back up big time when she hit 30, and started feeling more confident about herself as a woman in general (I think it was hormonal as well). All in all though, I can't recall ever going more than a couple weeks without, even at the end when we were sleeping in separate rooms.

Now, I know my acquaintance above has kids, and has been married long enough for them to be teens. Truth indicates below that his kids are adults, and he has 30 years in (good for you man!!!). My ex and I never had kids, so maybe that is the thing.

Then again, I don't know. See...right after my divorce, and pretty much until a settled into my first post divorce relationship with a woman I loved, I tended to get most of my casual sex from married women. Seems that there is a whole population of married women (mostly mid 30's to mid 40's) who really don't get enough at home, and when they get it, it isn't done very well. These women HAD kids...all the ones I spent time with anyway.

And in my recent more meaningful relationships, with women in their 30's, sex is never a problem. Indeed, I find *I* have had to turn them away on occasion...and I can't recall being denied sex in years (certainly not since my divorce).

So...getting to my point...what do you think is the cause (if any) for the turn of events for the worse at home for you guys that have this issue? Was it having kids? Was it mutual distraction by careers? Did one (or both) of you becoming quite unattractive to the other?

Have you ever discussed it with your spouses? Sought counseling? Do your spouses have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy - does it appear that they KNOW you are getting it from SOMEWHERE, and are perfectly ok with that, so long as they don’t have to acknowledge or deal with it?

I am just curious....

Married around '83. First seven years sex was plentiful and even good twice a day when she wanted to get pregnant the second time. She did and never came back. Gained a lot of weight and it never left. Then a partial hysterectomy and some other health problems ann sex four times a year was too much for her... and me too.... So sex with other women just seemed to happen... Like never before! I'm sure she's hip. She's not stupid and I'm the same horndog she married. For a long time she made living with my family miserable. About two years ago I told her either she got it together for herself or she was going to loose everything. forced her into marriage counseling... She did not want to go, which surprised me... Came down to, yeah I wanted to stay with her... but... She had to realize there had to be reasons for me to stay. She lost weight and began to alter her attitude. Life is better. More sex at home. Still only once a month or so but better. She fell back into her misery-loves-company routine again... So the jury's still out. Hey, i may not be a prize.... but then again....


Now my wife lost a lot

Right after marriage, sex went down hill. Within a year, maybe once or twice a month.  Within a few years every couple of months. Most of the time it was not worth the effort, but I still tried. She said it was from the stress of work and everyday life. I was open to her suggestions and tried to do what she wanted and she said she enjoyed it, but then again it was still once every couple of months.  One day close to our 14th anniversary, she scheduled us to go away for a weekend and announced a turn around in our sex life. For two years, it was great. She even began having orgasms during intercourse, which she never had before. Then all of a sudden she quit and it was worse than before. After about eight months of no sex, I scheduled my first appointment with an escort while I was on a business trip. That was last year and every once in a while I schedule a time with one, but I can't afford to do that too much longer. We are in counseling now, but she is now so large that penetration is difficult and I have found out that she has run up huge credit card bills. I am about at the point to walk away, but I can't afford to pay her credit card bills, child support, and live.

A few months into her second pregnancy, she seemed to go through a hormonal change that caused her to lose the taste for chocolate, coffee and sex. She never got back the taste for sex.

Of course, the kids are draining, and she's always tired. Maybe she's lost some sex appeal and gained some weight, so she doesn't feel as sexy anymore. But primarily, she just doesn't like sex.

This is a terrible blow to my ego, of course, having all but completely lost my ability to seduce my SO or bring her any sexual pleasure. It's particularly difficult for me, coming from a short line of GF's who were absolutely addicted to me.

A couple of years in a row, I spent New Years Eve with her and made the resolution that I was going to have more sex. She filled in the rest with "no matter where you get it, huh?" "Well, yeah, I've got to have sex." Two years of discussion and hundreds of attempts at seduction, without improvement and I really did need to get sex.

Now, with the kids and the house and the family and all, you hate to go for the divorce when sex is really the only problem. A mistress, of course, is only a slower more painful and abusive way to reach a divorce. The mistress either ends up getting emotionally attached, and wants you to leave the SO or gets angry and scornful and determined to destroy your life.

Sex providers was the only solution to save my sanity and my marriage.

I still try and seduce my SO every day. I want her to know that I want her, regardless of her interest in me. We have sex every few months and she scores a perfect 4 every time. Though I don't think she's stupid, she is certainly in denial over the fact that I'm getting sex somewhere else, despite my attempts to be completely honest with her about my needs. Frankly, it's the money I spend that would upset her if she knew.

I don't know the exact reason why my sex life at home has gone downhill, the only thing I know is that her sex drive has remained consistent while mine has gone down. I am currently 31 and met my wife when I was an 18 year old freshman in college. We have been with one another most of those years, but only got married 3 years ago and have no kids. The ironic thing about it is when I met my wife, we rarely talked or even had anything in common past sex. I had just gotten out of 9 years of all boys Catholic School, of which 5 years were spent living at a boarding shool completely devoid of females. So lets just say when I got to college I was not looking to find a serious girlfriend but several casual ones. Things started off just great with several different girls the first few weeks, than I met the girl who would be my wife. She was a an absolutley stunning looking 19 year old Asian sophomore who was instantly into me and still is all these years later.  In our first year together we never had sex less than 4 times a day, and in fact would continue this torrid pace for the first few years. However, I will say I was already beginning to get bored. I was already seeing other girls sexually, but what I really wanted to do was date other girls because me and my future wife just seemed to have nothing in common past sex. In fact the only reason that I was still with her was that she seemed to always offer such 100% unconditional love, something I had never really felt from anyone else in my life, including family. Than a bad thing happened, she got pregnant. At the time I was 20 and she was 21. Her parents are strict Vietnamese and she had not told them about us for fear they would remove her from the college. Based on her parents, our age, our income, and the fact we were a few years from graduating college we came to the mutual decision to abort the preganancy. This turned out to be a life changing event for her. She discovered minutes before the pregancy it was twins, but her mind was made up and she continued. After the abortion, she became very depressed, both suicidal and spoke of killing me so we could all be together. Feeling rightfully responsible, I took extra care of her over the next few months. Funny thing is for the first time we stopped having rampant sex and started really talking and getting to know one other, even tough we had been with one another for a few years. Through it all we came out of it as a very strong couple, albeit with a considerable amount of regret. At this point, both from the depression and 3 months of carrying twins, my future wife started to gain weight, which I regret to say has continued over these last 10 years. My wife today is still very pretty, but at the risk of sounding terribly shallow I'm into petite small boned women. Wich is of course one of the things that turned me onto my wife in the first place. Over the last 10 years we would of course go on to develop seperate careers and go from our carfree days of college to busy lives.

Sorry for the long story I just felt the need to explain. I don't know if it is one or many of the following factors: I met my wife when I was to young and did not experience enough other woman(I can only say I did not experience other woman in a true dating capacity because I was "with" several other woman), did I just become bored and if so would I just eventually get bored with every woman I met, did my wifes weight gain over the years stifle my sex drive or did I just get more involved in other things such as my career over the years or am I simply an insatiable sex maniac who loves variety and not "making love". I honestly don't know the answer.

Like so many others...after marriage my wife's sex drive went south.  After our child was born it became even less important to her.  We made love about once every two to three months-down from four or five times a week when we were dating.  I am 36 and still have the sex drive of a teenager.  

As bad as it sounds, I see escorts to save my marriage.  If I did not see escorts, I would have affairs just for the sex which I'm sure one day would catch up with me.

My wife has an incredible sex drive. I don't. I don't vare for it that often. My main reason for seeing providers is variety. I like to try everything. It's fun. I still satisfy my wife, but not as often as when we were first married. She is not very erotic either. No toys or games. Just a standard bbbj then missionary. Yep. She also got big after getting married. So multiple positions don't work. She also has a bad back.

Similar story.  The kids and her job (a teacher) seem to have taken away a lot of my wife's interest in sex.  I think it's mainly energy.  When she's not teaching, she is far more interested and passionate.  When she's teaching, it's once every six weeks or so.  When she's off, it can be weekly.  I love her and would never have an affair, but providers do seem the best way to fill in the gap sexually.  I didn't see any providers for the first eight years or so of marriage, but eventually, thinking an affair might happen, I sought the way of a professional release.  It seems to work well, as long as my dearest (and I mean that) doesn't find out.  It would crush her.  I hope it is worth the risk.

Gents,

Seems that my story contains elements of everyone else's, while it may differ from others.  Won't bore anyone with repetition...

But, I felt compelled to say "thanx" to the Staff for having this forum, especially this string.  I don't know about the rest of you guys, but this is the only place I have ever openly discussed my "hobby" from the marriage-impact side, and I think it's important to have this place to communicate.

Good luck to you all and stay safe.

and its because their wives don't respect them.  They are a couple of spoilt stupid ignorant shell-of-a man types whose rich daddies hand them everything and as a result their personalities are such that no one respects them...not eve their wives.   That is just one example and not meant to berate all men who aren't getting it from their wives.  


I think it boils down to this...Men use what they have to get sex and women use sex go get what they want.  Once married and with children, I think that some women naturally lose interest in sex.  Y

ou must also take into account that everyone's sex drive is set uniquely and also some of these women may be married to men who are downright lousy lovers which explains in some instances why their wives may not want to have sex.  From a woman's perpective its draining to constantly be "giving" to a needy lousy lover.  I guess the woman feels there is nothing in it for her, in such instances and loses her libido.

I am not implying you are all lousy in bed...just some of you.  hee hee

And isn't it also possible that the NON-CLIENT dudes aren't getting it, buy maybe the wives ARE?

There are so many dudes that think they are so clever and getting away with it. Could it be that the wives are just as clever?

You raise an interesting point Talisa.  Why do these women stay with these losers? Is it the money, children, fear of being alone, etc.?  The same type of question goes for men who have lousy wives.  Is it the children, the potential divorce settlement, fear of being alone, etc.?  I am curious to know.

you have such a large pool of us pathetic losers who are lousy in bed to draw on for your client-base.

Its possible but not with either of the two wives involved in the above scenario, unfortunately.   The wives are pathetically faithful and tied up with their children.  I wish they would find it elsewhere...then they would probably dump their loser hubbys.  )


I know another gal who was on her 3rd marriage by age 30.  She had a child during her marriage to her 2nd husband that is a product of an extramarital tryst with an ex-boyfriend.   Her husband ended up paying her child support on that boy even though he is not the father and knows it deep down inside.    

This woman consistently overlaps relationships and is now divorced for hubby number 3 (big surprise) and looking for number 4.  


Any takers?  

Well one of the women, I will call her Valerie saw her future husband's family's money and signed on.

The other woman, Susan has major control issues and IMO, wants a sparring partner.


I think a big part of it is not understanding what "normal" is.  

Sure personal insecurities play a big part too but neither of these two women wants to go back to work, struggling to raise children while working and then having to hit the dating scene again.  Dating can be lonely and miserable and add to that the pressures of raising children. finding a babysitter, and protecting your children from potential pedophiles, its pretty unappetizing.   Their children and their roles as "mom" comes first which means making personal sacrifices in the interest of not subjecting the children to a broken home.

Yes, I Know... )

Life Is Good

My fault.

I have an intense craving for variety.  I have grown bored with sex before every one of my girlfriends (and both fiance's.)

There is a line in one of Jacques Benoit's very early films.  (His first????  I don't have the bandwidth here to open another window into imdb.com.)

From Le Desenchante':

"Love is like a candle.  It burns with an intense fire, but if you let it burn to the bottom, there is nothing left but ashes and regrets."

thanks for this great thread. It really helps to hear this is a common issue. I've been quite conflicted lately as to whether I should start seeing providers, get divorced, or get castrated.

I've been married 16 years, have one 6 year old, and my wife is 2 1/2 months pregnant again (from fertility treatments). I'm 39 and my wife is 44.

I believe our sexual frequency is similar to others. One or two times a day in the beginning, quickly settling down to 2 times a week, or none (like now) because of medical issues. I guess I should feel grateful it's not as infrequent as others have mentioned. However, because of doctor's orders we can't have any sex during the entire first trimester of her pregnancy and then for another 16 weeks after the delivery.

I could probably deal with the abstinence during the pregnancy stuff but there's lots of other problems, all sex related. Other than that I think we have a good marriage, no money problems, and lots of mutual interests.

After our first son was born, my wife simply seemed to lose interest in sex and I've always had to initiate. When I can cajole and coerce here into doing it, she seems to do it out of duty but with a very poor attitude and no enthusiasm and often no orgasm for her, even if I'm on the job for 20-30 minutes. She doesn't like kissing at all, especially DFK, she doesn't want me to DATY anymore which I was always very willing to perform to give her multiple O's before actual sex. So basically I feel like I'm just using her and it's really not very romantic or satisfying. I'm pretty romantic and like conversation, lots of foreplay, and lengthy sex. On the occasions we do have sex, we skip right to the sex on my wife's insistence.

My wife is 44 and me 39, and although still very sexy to me, I believe her libido is just extremely low. She puts all her energy into our son, new fertility treatments and to her part-time job. She doesn't seem to have anything left for me. I've discussed this with her many times and asked her if there's anything I can do to please her or help her.  She says everything's fine. I also really doubt she's having any affair, since she rarely goes out. I'm still in good shape and I believe I'm an attentive lover, although we probably all think we are LOL! I've asked her what is wrong and she says everything is fine for her and she simply doesn't want to have sex as often as me. I've told her that I'm not happy but we can fix it if we try. She won't try, won't go to joint marriage conselling, won't get a baby sitter so we can go on a date without our son, etc.

Anyway, I don't want to get a divorce for the kid's sake mainly. The prospect of divorce is one I can't contemplate. I feel it's now up to me to take care of my problem, which is having a healthy libido. I've been visiting massage parlours for a couple of years to fill the gap. It's cheap and somewhat satisfying but you get what you pay for, I suppose, and there's little intimacy or romance there. So, I'm considering the next step of going to a FS provider.

Well, there's my sad little loser of a story

In my case, my wife developed health problems, that have really screwed up her body in many ways. Although not life threatening, they make her very tired most of the time, and require a great deal of medication which are probably playing havoc with her hormornes, and therefore her sex drive. So frankly, she feels up to it maybe a couple of times a month.

Now, in every other respect I love her and enjoy spending my nights and weekends with her. So after about the 10,000th painful fight over sex, I figured I should just get it elsewhere so we stop arguing about it. She can't help her problem, and it doesn't do any good to make her feel guilty.

Seems like the smart thing to do. Better than divorce, for both of us.

You are not a loser...

Your story breaks my heart a wee bit. I really feel sorry for you...especially since you are honest enough to acknowledge (tongue in cheek) that the problem could be you (the very fact that you are willing to consider this possibility tells me it much more than likely isn't) and you tried to address the issue via open discussion and proposing counseling.

Reading some of these stories have made me realize how lucky I am - I have never had ANY sexual issues in my relationships on the magnitude of some of you guys. Sure, when I was married things were up and down on occasion, but nothing like what you guys have had to endure.

One of the central themes does seem to be children, which frightens me, because at SOME point in my life I'd like to remarry and start a family. Man, I REALLY hope I don't have to chose between sex and fatherhood...

I used to not feel sorry in the least bit for guys who weren't getting it at home - like I mentioned in a previous post, my perspective was somewhat distorted by having dealt with a number of married women. They would tell me of how they had to BEG their husbands to touch them...of how their husbands claimed to no longer desire them after 20 years of marriage, and the more than likely inevitable additional 20 lbs. I would here how their husbands were absolute imbeciles in bed...no romance or interaction during the day, then at night - "wanna fuck?" - which lead to a few minutes of humping and groaning, none of which did a damn thing for the female. These women were attractive, if not model-level gorgeous, interesting, sexy women, with PASSION. I took a perverse pride in sleeping with them...being able to provide what they couldn't get at home.

It was quite ignorant of me to assume every guy who couldn't get laid was to blame however. Your story especially is heart retching to me because it rings SO true...a woman that has simply decided that being a mother is the most important thing to her, and that sex is now a marital chore, versus something to savor. The fact that she is even unwilling to date, in order to enhance the chemistry between you, is the real kicker. And OF COURSE you want to remain married and there with your young son, with another little one on the way.

It’s unfair, isn't it? Nowhere (except maybe here) would you get any sympathy for your plight if you were to leave - you'd be seen as abandoning your wife and children. You'd be vilified for an affair as well. Men are supposed to be DEVOTED...which is fine...but when did wives get a free pass from THEIR marital commitments and responsibilities to THEIR spouses.

And she refuses to get counseling to even discuss it....

You, sir, have to do what you think is right. I will never ENCOURAGE a married man to cheat - I am still naive enough to believe in the sanctity of marriage, and was unwaveringly faithful for 10 years. But, if any guy ever had a case, someone who could REALLY claim that seeing ASPs was GOOD for his marriage, good for his family, you do.

-- Modified on 7/14/2002 10:23:43 PM

Seems everyone else is blaming their wife when it's probably a shared problem.  How many of you have actually looked at yourselves and then looked at who you were when you got married?  Any weight gain ? do you still try and romance your wife the way you did before you got married?

I actually heard from one married hobbiest who told me how hard he was trying to keep his marriage together.  He sees one provider on at least a weekly basis and a few others at probably the same pace.  Always buying them dinner, flowers, toys and anything else they or their children want.  Keeps a sererate out of state bank account just for the hobby and then lays all the blame on his dysfunctional partner/parent.

At least gspyder is actually trying and a provider may be the best way to keep him going.  

If you like to hobby that's great.  Just don't go making excuses and trying to blame the wife.

you really believe that this is the best thing for the children?  I ask that question especially where one mate does not repsect the other or the two mates just loathe each other.  At the risk of being flogged by DR. Laura it would seem to me that a child would be better off being raised by one happy parent rather than two miserable parents.  If the two parents actually have very negative feeling towards each other the children will certainly pick up on these feelings and be affected by those feelings.  Also I believe many children look at their parent's marriage and believe that is how a marriage is supposed to work.  If they have a good example they stand a much better chance of being happily married than if they have a bad example.

thanks for the kind words. I am still not really sure what to do over my wife and our radically different libido's.

I'm hesitant to go the escort route since it is really expensive and my wife pays the bills on our joint accounts. I haven't figured out the methods of subterfuge whereby I could simply make several hundred dollars disappear. Especially without raising any questions or having a plausible explanation. There seems to be a massive rift between the $70 for a half hour and a happy ending at the massage parlour and an in-call with an escort at $200+. Seems like going to escorts is a rich man's hobby, especially if you'd want to go a couple of times a week. Perhaps finding a married woman with a similar desire to save her marriage, yet find some satisfying sex on the side, is a lead worth following. Especially considering your experiences. How the heck would you meet someone like that with a similar need but ultra-discreetly?

The other possibility is drugs for either me, to reduce my libido, or for my wife to increase hers (if that is indeed the issue). I have never heard of some sort of anti-viagra for males but I'm sure there is something that would lower my testosterone level.

I feel I must reiterate that I am happy with all aspects of my marriage except for the sex part. I really want to save it, if at all possible.

I don't think my marriage has degenerated to the open or even subtle loathing stage. I can't say I'm happy that my wife won't make much of an effort, but I try to keep that to myself. I think we provide a pretty kid family situation for our son.

So, no, I don't think my kid (and another coming) would be better with a broken home. I made a commitment and I'm trying to figure out how to keep my end of the bargain by solving my own problem. My parents set a good example for me by staying together through thick and thin. I have no idea if my parents ever cheated, but if they did they were ultra discreet.

I am with you spider. My wife is on to many meds, and has no interest is sex. once a year just wont do it for me, so just see a provider to make it once a quarter which still isn't enough, thats where rosie comes in handy- get it, "hand-y"

I guess it's not necessarily the frequency but the quality, eh? When our marital sex life is at its most frequent, we do it once or twice a week. I think it's the lack of romance or mutual satisfaction that gets me. I certainly have a great orgasm and we do multiple positions, and some interesting touching, but if my wife doesn't orgasm I feel no deep satisfaction from that. I feel like I've used her and that's not a good feeling for me. I like to take my time and please her as much as I get pleased, mainly via DATY. She doesn't want me to do that anymore, although I'm more than glad to. She's not one to fake orgasms or fake enjoying it. So most of the time she's pretty much "just lying there". I wonder if it would be better if she could act, like some of the providers might be able to convincingly act that they are enjoying it.

By the sound of some of the 7+ rating reviews, I may get a much better experience with a provider but one thing I will have to deal with is the "guilt". Not sure how guilty I will feel, but it could be substantial. I already feel like a bit of a lowlife by going to a MP and getting a HJ. So far, I have never crossed the line of actually having sex with anyone else in 16 years of marriage. Not necessarily something to be proud of but its a wall I haven't crossed yet.

Change a few of the details and you speak for me quite precisely.

I would love so much to have a meaningful, not reluctant on her part, sexual relationship with my wife.

It colors everything for me that I am rejected in this fundamental way.

You said it better than I can -- well said.