...an email from a wife? Not an angry one, but a like a pitiful, but determined one? Never in my 6 years of working have I had one of these, and I am usually ok at handling these sorts of things rationally-- but I am utterly and entirely stumped, without a clue on the horizon of what to say. I was so touched, and so confused and lost at the same time-- it was overwhelming... I got it latenight/early morning and she repeated herself often throughout, as though maybe she had been drinking a bit. But it was truly a cry for help that I had never come across. I am sure that she isn't onto TER, and even if she is, I had to risk it, I need help, I don't know what to say...

The email (minus a bit of fluff that was cut to shorten it) was sent as follows:

Danielle,
   
   I hope this doesnt catch you as off gaurd as you caught me, and I hope you read my letter because it would mean alot to me if you do. I have seen your website and you are a very pretty girl. I am a woman, I am mother, and I am a wife, Though I am not mad, I know who and what you are and how you have affected me and my family anfd my childrem.  I wont keep you, but I wanted to talk to you if you dont mind, about this and my husband. See its been a while now, that I have noticed signs of his misbehaving, but I dont ever say anything to him about it. and though you are not the only one I have emailed, you seem to be the one he is firends with. And from your correspondances I can tell what sort of person you are, and I think you will respect where i am coming from, so I have some questionss for you (".....edited.......").

Im going to onfront him, but before I do I want to knw one thing, what is it I have done wrong? What amd i not doing for him and to him, that has made him seek sexual attention outside of our home. I love my husband and I have stood behind him, but I am at my rock bottom wits end and i dont want to call it quits but I feel like i have no other choice at this point. This is my last resort. Please, I am asking you if you  know anything, or can tell me anything that he has told you, it would be a great help. Tell me things he like to do, and things he has said to you that he wants to do or try. I always felt like I was open with him, but there is obvoisly some things that he feels he cant and shouldnt do with me and its tearing me and our family apart. Its also put a dent into our finances to the point where I have noticed it badly. Like I told you Im not mad with you, you were simply doing your job and I understand that. But I hope you understand that I cannot allow him to come see you or anyone else anymore. You can always find anothe client but he is my only husband. And Im in tears as I am writing this, you cant understand how it pains me to have to have to approach a lady my husband has given our money to for his pleacure, so I can find out about more about him. We have been marrie now for 17 years, and he aperently thinks he cant come to me for his desires or fetsihes or whatever. I and cant take it, and we cant afford it. And it has to stop.

Im sorry if i have incovieninced you in any way. I dont mean to carry on, I would just relaly appreciate it if you can help me to please my husbband better. We cant afford this emotionally or financially any longer, but I dont want to loose him completely either. I need the keey to keeping us together. Please help. Can you call me, or can we meet for coffee or something?

desparetly,
   ******** ***********"

I know she isn't bull$hitting me, because she forwarded the emails he and I had sent back and forth... Im so shocked, and saddened, and embarrassed all at once, and I haven't sent something back to her yet. I feel very bad for the guy too-- because he and I had developed a friendship over the years he had seen me, and he does tell me plenty about his wife, nothing too bad ever, just that she is a great woman, but not pleasing him anymore-- exactly what she thinks of herself. I am at a total loss for thought, and anything that anyone can say to help would be great. I would like to be tasteful, and pleasant as possible, and I short and sweet as well.

I would like to help her, but how? I don't really want to get involved, but I feel so bad for her...

what to do?

Dani

both of them work out their issues. YOU, are NOT the problem here. If it wasn't you, he would have found someone else. I'm sure this is whole scene is a nightmare for you, but you need to keep arms length from this situation, and let the chips fall where they may. Nothing you can do or say will make things copacetic.

Next to a life threatening STD, or violent altercation, your situation is one of the worst outcomes a provider faces.  Hang in, and keep your distance!

(Damn,I'm starting to sound like Dear Abby.  I'm not sure a "Dear Smelly" column would fly).

-- Modified on 5/23/2006 8:04:52 AM

It's hard to say - there are so many details that you obviously can't share.

What is the status of your relationship with the guy? Would you see him again? If not, I'd recommend taking her out for coffee and helping her as best as you can.  It would be awkward, but remember that you have nothing to be ashamed about.  None of this is your fault.

If you'd see him again, I'd ignore the message.  I don't think either of you have much to gain through an email exchange.

I realize that this probably isn't terribly helpful.

Good Luck!

I think you may want to contact your client to let him know you received this, possibly forward it to him as well.  Let him know that under the circumstances, you don't feel that you can continue to see him.  You don't want to be the star witness at their divorce, do you?

I don't think you should respond directly to the wife, but if you do, you can state the obvious that Smelly says plus offer her the perspective that if her husband is unhappy in the bedroom, he is going to seek other company regardless.  Now with whom would she rather he be with?  His secretary or neighbor's wife, with whom he may fall in love, get them pregnant and run off with; or you, who will never allow that to happen?

It would be nice to offer this thought to cogitate over, but I'm not so sure it is wise to.

with wives or gfs contacting me with similar mails.

My advice to you is...DENY DENY DENY!!!

You don't know if this woman is really "in tears" or just looking for something to take her SO to court and clean the bank account.

You don't know how she is in reality...and what the situation is between him and her.

Do not admit anything you have done sexually with him...don't give her ammunition to use against him.

I know there are three sides on each story...and you have only two of them: yours and what he tells you.

My advice to you is to contact HIM and warn about the situation...he probably see other girls as well and his wife is spying on his computer and private stuff.

Also, stay away from him and her...do NOT GET INVOLVED.

If you get in the middle, you will end up burned...badly, I might say.

Tell him the truth, then also tell him that until he resolves his situation you don't want any more contact either with him or her.

Do not reply her mail without his consent...ask him if he wants you to reply. If he does, let him make up the story he wants you to tell her.

That's what I did. When it happened to me, I contacted my clients first, explained the situation and let them decided if they wanted me to respond or not.

Good Luck! You will need it...I know exactly how you feel...BUT don't let your guilty feelings get to your head and make you do something stupid.

Always remember that your client is old & mature enough to assume the responsibility of his acts. If he sought your services, he knew the risks involved or what was in for him in case his wife found out.

Let HIM deal with it...stay away!





-- Modified on 5/23/2006 5:41:30 AM

. . . do not get involved. Tell her to talk to her husband herself. If what she wrote was her true feelings, she sounded like a weak person.

You don't want that. It's such a heart-wrenching letter that one would be tempted to respond and offer comfort; however, as others have said, that wouldn't be wise. Based on the numerous spelling errors, she may be undereducated and not provide the intellectual stimulation you do. They need the assistance of a marital counselor. Some churches have weekend retreats that I hear are very helpful. Good luck with this.

Danielle,
It's kind of you to be too concerned.  Always remember that monogamy should not be a given, it has to be earned.   She has a role to play in this as well.  If a wife can not satisfy her husbands sexual needs, than he has the right to seek satisfaction else where.  If shes not taking care of his needs, and shes not, she shouldn't go snooping around.  Her sneeking around, and not taking care of things in the bedroom are worse than any thing he is doing.  He is respecting her by maintaing the marriage, and seeing prosionals.  The wife should be gratefull for profesionals like yourself.  If not for you, he would be jumping her sister, neighbor, etc.  

Let me tell you about my own situation.  My wife provided pressure for me to propose to her.  We had dated 7 years, so that's reasonable.  She knew that I was not monogamus before marriage.  I was discreet, and she never new when or where I was having discreet sexual encounters.  Just prior to our marriage she made a demand that I be manogamus.  I told her I would as long as she didn't get fat, and satisfied my sexual needs.  Thing whent fine for 15 years.  She to this day looks unbelievable.  I am majorly attracted.  However, She now has no interest in having an orgasm, although she is very capable when she tries.  She now treats sex like a chore.  Remember monogamy is not a given its earned.  I have no guilt now, about seeking sex outside the marriage.  I have 2 coworkers who have indicated to me they would like to play around.  I have resisted them because that could be dicey.  Instead I do the proper thing and see a profesional from time to time.
Thank you for what you provide to humanity.  You provided a needed and important service like a Dr., Denist, Teacher Etc.  You've kept more marriages togeather than any counselor. Hold your head high, and continue with your calling!

my life is measured in my service to others.

You have a choice, be great for her or move on. There is no judgment or nothing wrong in either choice it is just what it is.

...and not the escort. The wife should not be asking Danielle for advice on how to keep her husband. If Danielle starts a dialogue with her then you never know what will happen. The wife may just be looking for an outlet for her rage and could yet turn nasty. You never know. The wife should confront her husband and then seek marriage guidance from a counsellor, not an escort.

Although Danielle could reply that she is sympathetic and that guidance is the best course open to them, if she so pleases.

-- Modified on 5/23/2006 6:42:58 AM

Spoken like a true pro! I agree in that it protects you and your clients.

Awsome, I would have never thought of that! Brilliant!

...she forwarded them. So denial and claiming ignorance is a bit hard now.

But I agree this is not her problem and is up to the husband and wife to sort out, without Danielle getting involved.

most of the replies to this are on the money, but betty said it all

Not so.
If your wife catches you in bed with another woman (or man), look her straight in the eye and DENY.  You don't know who she is, how she get there, etc.  Most people really want some opportunity to deny the reality that they don't won't to accept

...she may genuinely be crushed by the whole situation. With shock and turmoil like that any of use may not act entirely rationally or logically.

On the other hand she may have it in for Danielle and have a negative agenda towards her. The wife should not be picking on Danielle as she acknowledges that there are other women as well.

Either way Danielle should not get too invovled. Or invovled at all even better.

-- Modified on 5/23/2006 7:20:45 AM

. . . blame herself for not being able to please her man. She said she was going to confront him; well, confront him and ask him.

This almost looks the same as my email back in early winter i think it was..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Edited. it was End of summer-
you have mail from me at your domain addy.

-- Modified on 5/23/2006 8:17:50 AM

This does not really involve you.   As I read her message, the wife thinks that the only thing wrong with her marriage is that she won't do certain things with her husband, such as anal sex or cim or a host of other things.   She thinks that if you only told her what you do and she doesn't, she will do them and her marriage will be saved.

This is a fantasy on her part.  There is probably something deeply wrong with her marriage.  That is not to say that her marriage would not be helped if he gave up his hobbying.   But hobbying is rarely the cause of the breakup, it is only a symptom.

I agree with the others who say that you should tell the client, so that he is fully informed.  This includes telling him  that the wife wants to know the information she has requested.  He can do with that information what he wants.

Because the wife knows about you, you should not see him any more.  Otherwise, you should keep out of something that really has little to do with you

Dani,

      This would be a tough message for anyone to get.  Hopefully, she's not local, but if she is, you definitely don't want to "meet for coffee," as she says.  I agree with everyone else, forward the e-mail to the husband so he can be ready for the confrontation.  If you respond to the spouse at all, which I don't think you should, just say that this situation is between her and her spouse.  Hope things work out for your client, whatever "work out" turns out to be in this case(renew spice in marriage, divorce, whatever).

    The marriage duration in this letter is similar to mine, though my spouse would better understand my reasons for the hobby.  However, she wouldn't be as understanding as this person's wife seems to be.  Although my spouse has almost no sexual interest in me anymore, if she found out about my hobbying, she would want my heads (both, and other things) on a platter.

Good luck Dani.

Crownroyal

Forward your client (her  husband) a copy of the email, and be done.
Do not respond to her.  Who knows if she is a crazy or not.   You need to protect yourself.  You are not their marriage counselor.

Let us know how it turns out.

The consensus is don't respond to her or meet her. Contact the husband and let him know what's up, but the only thing I'd suggest is that, since she's obviously on to his e-mails, if there is some other way to contact him like a cell phone use that. I would be concerned that this is a phishing expedition to get you to confirm that all these e-mails are legit adn end up getting you more deeply involved.

-- Modified on 5/23/2006 9:12:22 AM

And we should, always, contact our clients FIRST before we decided to play whatever game their SOs have in mind.

Our loyalty is with the clients, not with the wives. They need to be aware of what is going on and deal with them without our participation. It's their lives, not ours.

We have a different view about what we do. We think is acceptable and harmless to a marriage. We don't have interest in a long term, out of the business, relationship with our clients.

But, if we put ourselves in the scorned wife shoes, we will find out that they do not "understand" what we do, they look at us as enemies & home wreckers and they have a very low opinion of women who are pros.

They are not asking for an advice, they have no respect for us...they just want to get a confirmation that we had sex with their husbands so they can pursue their own agendas.

Is it carelessness?  There's something called password protection.

Just email back saying you wish not to have any part in any marital affairs that they might be having and that you are ending any communication with the husband. I suggest you do end any ties just to avoid any more drama. You said you have developed a friendship but understand the circumstances.

...it is if the wife finds out.

This is a tricky situation and also could be a trick to get you to confess. Even if it's not, I would let your client know immediately and then stay out of it. It is very sad, but don't put yourself in the middle of them.

Hugs,
Ciara

-- Modified on 5/23/2006 12:09:44 PM

I feel badly for the wife, but she needs to also know that there may not be anything wrong with the marriage other than her husband wishing to explore some outside trysts.  I see many gentlemen who are happily married, often to their soul mate, who are in the hobby.  These gentlemen have a need for some experimentation.  Would they wish their marriage over.  Never.  They see a provider because, during this setting, there are no emotional commitments or involvement.  If they had an affair they would risk the other person wanting more.  Some of these gents are still intimate with their spouses, others have spouses who have lost interest in all intimacy.

Dani, I would tread carefully on this one.  Also, personally, I would not meet with this woman for coffee as she has suggested.  It would be an extremely awkward meeting for you both.  

Rather, without admitting any part in this, I would suggest that it is obvious that she cares deeply for him and that my suggestion would be that the two of them go out for a nice dinner (a date), making the evening especially romantic, and then talk.

SINfully sinthia

Wow, that was quite a letter.  Even more impressive, however, is the quality of the escort who received and is reacting to this letter.  I am very impressed with you, Dani.  I just looked up your TER reviews – last one in Dec spoke of your kindness, your “heart of gold”.  This shines through in your posting here.  As you know, one of the true gifts we have in this life is the opportunity to reach out and relieve the suffering of others.  

However we need to be smart and wise as well as kind.  Many of the responses to your posting are very wise in their advice and the caliber of your own communication tells me that you are a smart enough cookie already to make a good decision.  Thanks for the opportunity of your posting - lots of food for thought for providers, married clients… and spouses who are in the dark or not.  Thanks for the light, Dani.  Now we all have to deal with what is revealed.

If you get a chance please tell us how this played out.

First of all how in the hell did she get acsess to his personal emails and business like that.  He was careless and thoughtless in allowing her to find out on the computer.  And another thing you are not the only one she contacted so let someone else respond and have coffee with her and go ahead and book your next session.  And forget about it.

The email was BS, then I thought she was looking for you to confess so she can use it in court to get custody of the children, then I thought Damn, she could actually know where you live and show up or start stalking you, even worse start taping people who come to your place and give it to LE, but she can also do that if you dont respond.
Yikes Dani, I feel for you and your situation, maybe you can just do outcall to my place for awhile as not to put forward any suspicion.

The wives generally get our info from their husbands email accounts-

Never ever email any MANS wife-
Who cares if shes desperate ?

They've been married for how many years ? If they dont know how to please their husbands by now.. They will never know... We know their husbands for an hour or three. They've known them for a year or three..

Never ever email wives/so's etc.

Most guys give us their work information, and this is the way she should get in touch with him.

I think even private cell phones are not safe either.

I had wives calling me because they found my number listed on their phone bills.

Guys who share cell phones with family members should never use them for this hobby.

She is monitoring him...I would suggest to contact him only thru his work line.



-- Modified on 5/23/2006 2:40:02 PM

...I thought about the fact that she may be trying to divorce him and she wants some good evidence against him, but I cant help putting myself in her position and wondering what I would have done.

I still haven't written anything back to her, and she did leave her number too, but I haven't called. Im not so much scared as I just wouldn't know what to say. Even though I wouldn't meet up with here, I just want to say something comforting-- but....?

I think for all of it, I will probably just say nothing to her, and give him a call from a blocked number and if can talk, let him know the situation and tell him I am staying away form now on...

God this is so hard, and weird...

Dani

Send her a succinct em stating that you wish them both well and advise marital counseling as that would bring out all of the things that she wants to learn about her husband, were he to be willing. Say you are sorry for their troubles. Saying sorry for their troubles does not mean you are the bad guy, it just means you empathize.

the wife already has em exchanges between them.

Hi, Danielle:  

You obviously need some closure on this issue yourself, or else you wouldn't be making this post and asking for advice.  I respect the way you feel for yourself, your client, and his wife, and I think it's right of you to face up to it, put closure on it, learn from it, and move on a wiser person.

The last message that you posted sounds about right.  I would call things off with him and explain why.  At the same time, get your own feelings off of your chest!  If you feel sorry for his wife, tell him so.  If you feel that it would help you to have a phone call with her, you should let him know that you and she are both interested in talking to each other.  I think that it is natural for both of you to feel that way; the "Unknown" is a little less scary when you can address it as a human being.  

But then the responsible thing to do is to let them work it out as a married couple.  If they decide to talk to you, that's up to them.  It can be a part of their healing process to make those decisions together.  It wouldn't be helpful for you to go behind his back and make secret communications with her.  

I have never been quite in this same situation, but I have fooled around with a wife in an open relationship.  I always made it a point to communicate with husband and wife and let them call the shots as a team.  You have to respect your position in this situation.  

Best of luck!
-- SWM    

I think that you work for your client concerning this issue - like a lawyer or a doctor where you can't break confidentiality or realy respond in any way without your client's permission regardless about whether you think he is "guilty" or that the wife deserves a break.  What does on with Dani needs to stay with Dani... Vegas rules.

You say, "monogamy should not be a given, it has to be earned."  

Hah!  Tell that to a judge at your divorce and see how wrong you are!

In point of fact monogomy is a point of law as well as a promise that is given in every marriange ceremony I've ever heard of.

NO woman would ever send that. We have a couple a folks on here who like to post bullshit and that is no doubt an extention of it.

It's simple.  First recognize that anything you write can be used as evidence in a court of law and you can become unwittingly involved.  

If you do feel compelled to contact her just tell her that the guy is a loser for doing such a thing to her and that you won't see him or other such losers in the future.  

But I wonder how many wives/SOs would do well to simply ask themselves how often they are intimate with their husbands?  The rest is dressing on the cake.  Freindships with women are great but need not become sex if all else is under control at the home front.