Being a good and devout Christian, I was praying for guidance on what to do about the Iraq situation. I was stunned when God answered back. Yikes, does she have a lot on her mind! Luckily I had a pencil and paper with me (all quotes verbatim)!  


Q: So you are...

A: Who else? The source of all being, without beginning and without end. Infinite, eternal boundless. You were praying to me, right?

Q: Right. About what to do about Iraq.

A: Listen, before we go there, can I bend your ear about this Bush character?

Q: Sure!

A: I am sick to death of these smug, arrogant, holier-than-thou types using religion as baseball bat to beat the crap out of anyone they don't like. MAN, does that frost my beer mug!

Q: But in the latest Newsweek...

A: Hey, I read it! I get everything a day early! This dimwit is trying to use ME to justify a freakin' WAR? Wake up and smell the espresso, Sparky! The whole reason I sent my boy down there...

Q: Jesus?

A: Yeah! All he talked about PEACE! GETTING ALONG! TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK! "Blessed are the PEACEMAKERS!" Could I be any more specific? If I'd wanted to say, "Blessed are the sanctimonious, megalomaniacal, nuclear-bomb-wielding bringers of death and destruction to helpless civilians," I would have had Jesus say THAT!

Q: So you feel that Mr. Bush might be a little, er, misguided in his religious convictions?

A: MISGUIDED? This yo-yo...and understand, when I say "yo-yo" I'm engaging in a little exaggeration for dramatic effect, you're all my perfect children...this yo-yo pretends to be a devout Christian, and yet he...he...where do I begin?

Q: Anywhere.

A: Okay. He hides behind bile-spewing hate-mongers like Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh, who curse and vilify the 97% of the world's people who aren't white Protestant Republicans. Remember, "Love Thy Neighbor? He sure doesn't. He condones the most vile kind of greed and corruption in his corporate buddies like Ken Lay, etc. He makes my greatest creations - rivers, forests, meadows - and lets the worst kind of greedbags plunder them! He and his pals can sure as hell cut DOWN trees, but can they GROW THEM? I don't think so.

And now he's sending hundreds of thousands of my precious, perfect Christian children to the Middle East to slaughter hundreds of thousands of my precious, perfect Islamic children. If he was some deluded atheist like Hitler or Stalin, that'd be one thing. But he uses every chance he gets to embarrass me by saying what a good Christian Soldier he is. MAN that steams my windshield!

Q: So when Bush says...

A: Oh, and ASHCROFT! Don't get me started! Mr. "All-Life-Is-Sacred" urging his lieutenants to demand the freakin' DEATH PENALTY in cases where the freakin' PROSECUTOR hasn't even asked for it? How does THAT compute? If I hadn't made him in my image, I'd demand a factory recall to check him for damaged parts.

Q: So when Bush says that his election was a divine miracle, and he was placed in the White House by the hand of God...

A: You can't lay that one on me! His election was a miracle of voter fraud. He was put in the White House by the hands of Jeb, Katherine, Antonin, and Ralph - I had nothing to do with it. Zip, zilch, nada.

Q: So what I'm hearing is that you think this upcoming war is wrong.

A: Look, I'll make it easy. I've created a kind of paradise on earth for you people. I've given you air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat. I even made sex fun, so you'd enjoy reproducing! All you have to do is figure out some way to revel in all this bounty without killing each other! Is this hard? Am I missing something? Let's check the Ten Commandments. Oh yeah, here it is - "Thou Shalt Not Kill." See an asterisk there? Any fine print? Anything like, "Except for people who don't look like us"?

Q: Ah, no. So if I see Mr. Bush...

A: Tell him to quit yakkin' about being a Christian, and start acting like one! Let me throw out some words, see if they ring a bell. Honesty? Integrity? Humility? Patience? Hope? Kindness? Love? When I see this supposed icon of Christianity acting like some testosterone-crazed nitwit from the World Wrestling Federation, MAN that kinks my garden hose!

Q: Thanks. And God help us.

A: I've ALREADY helped you. Time for you bozos to figure it out for yourselves.

Kindly STFU unless you intend to stay on topic.

So if you don't want to read political screeds here, might I suggest another discussion board.....

BTW E Ticket...if you are not writing for a living, you are missing your calling.


-- Modified on 2/11/2004 11:47:48 PM

Bravo. I just the Ashcroft doesn't get you.

Cute, but, well, thank you Raoul.  This is the GENERAL NATIONAL DISCUSSION board... if you are looking for reviews go to that section.
We do think about things other than sex, here.
=^.^=

Well, Mr Smarty Pants, next time you're talking to God, can you ask him a few for me:

1) Why did you tell Mohamed to tell his followers to slaughter the Infidels?  Seems like you're sending mixed messages and then getting tweaked when we don't get it straight.

2) Why did you make men's tongues rounded and women's tongues pointy?  That seems just mean, if you ask me!

3) Whe didn't you give breasts to men?  We seem to be the ones that appreciate them more.

4) What was with the 1969 Mets, huh?  You stop by for a miracle once every 800 years or so that THAT was the one you pick?

those last three were funny!

But on a serious note:

One answer for all questions.

Your questions assumes god is omnibenevolent. This is a Western religion concept based on god being a father figure.

But the Natural Evil Theodicy make it clear that god is not all good, or omnibenevolent or he would not let newborn babies be killed by natural disasters.  Or I suppose god is not all seeing or all powerfu. But one of those three assumptions must not be true for god to let new born babies die that way.


Warm regards,

TET