My feeble attempt to liven-up the National Board.

A man decided to have a facelift for his birthday.  He spends $5000 and feels really good about the result.  On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.  Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking but how old do you think I am?”  “About 35,” was the reply.  “”I’m actually 47” the man said, feeling really happy.  After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is “Oh, you look about 29.”  “I’m actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.  She replies, “I’m 85 years old and my eyesight is failing.  But when I was a young girl, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age.  If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for two minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”  Since there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and he let her slip her hand down his pants.  After two minutes of rolling his balls around in her hand the old lady says, “OK, I’m done.  You are 47.”  Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant!  How did you do it?”  The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”

Another…

A woman goes into her doctor’s office and says “I’m having a terrible problem with my husband.”  The doc asks her to explain.  She says, “At night when we’re in bed and he climaxes, he let’s out an ear-piercing scream.  The doctor tells her “That’s perfectly normal for some men.  When they reach orgasm, they scream as an emotional outlet.  That really shouldn’t be a problem.”  She says, “But doctor, it keeps waking me up.”

...A guy is involved in a terrible accident, which mangles his "manhood"...almost tearing it from his body.  The doctor reassures, telling him that modern medicine would make it possible for him to not only be "rebuilt", but in almost whatever manner her might choose.  One problem---insurance deemed this to be cosmetic surgery & therefore wouldn't cover the expense.  The guy was then given 3 choices--$3500 for small; $7000 for medium; & $15,000 for large.  The guy was sure he would want either medium or large, but couldn't decide which due to the cost factor.  The doctor suggested that he explain the options to his wife before making a decision.  The doctor left the room & the guy phoned his wife to explain to explain everything.  The doctor retured to the room after a few minutes only to find the guy looking really sad.  

"Did you make your decision?" the doctor asks.  The guy says "Yeah...my wife decided she'd rather have the kitchen remodeled."

This one really hit home. I suffered through a kitchen remodel last year at the wife's behest. The damn thing put a major dent in my hobby dollars and the ironic part is the wife likes cooking only slightly more than sex- near zero... However, my manhood is still intact and functional.