A close friend of mine is having an affair with a married man.  They met through her work and he has become very attached.  He claims to have never fallen in love with a working girl before nor has he had an affair before.  We'll just assume this is true.  Also, she has never had an affair before.

But being in contact with him all the time makes it hard for her to work.  She has already planned her "retirement", mostly because of him.  He has made it clear that he will never leave his wife because she would financially ruin him.  But he told her that he would never leave her.  He also gets upset when he reads her reviews.  I have pointed out that he is being unreasonable, unfair, and he really should not be reading reviews about her.  She gets stellar reviews and he has asked her to be less accommodating and giving.  

He is giving her a petty allowance (a quarter of what she can make) and I tell her she is nuts and should ask for more since he is not leaving his wife.  He is so smitten that he is buying property far away to send the wife away for half of the year.  He is even selling his house and buying a smaller one to afford my friend.  

Is this guy insane?  How many of you fine fellows have found yourself in situations like this?  I think this man genuinely cares for her, has even told her that he loves her.  But I think it is a bit obsessive and not true love just yet.

Although your friend probably won't listen to anybody, she is facing a very difficult road.

So, the married guy is jealous and wants her to quit providing BBBJTC/CIM, or better yet, retire completely since he can't take her continuing to be an escort.

So she will quit her lucrative escort job (yes, stellar providers make good money) and will get a lower-paying day job to make ends meet.

Then, she sits around and waits for him to sneak away from the wife a few times a week.

Sounds like a great life....with little or zero chance he will ever leave his wife.

What a waste of energy, time and money to be in love with an unavailable marrried man. But she won't listen to you anyway if you try to tell her.

SVP is probably right. I would also be concerned about this guy's mental stability. He sounds to me like a tragedy - possibly violent- waitng to happen/strike.

that many men go through with providers.  It's obsessive, progressive, self-destructive to himself and potentially abusive to your friend.  Moreover, lots of guys just love the idea of having a working girl as a girlfriend; it's like the ultimate macho fantasy.  It's an ego trip.  

People bandy about the word "love" as though it were a balm for aches, pains and abusive behavior.  Unfortunately, people never seem to remember that the foundation of any healthy, lasting relationship is, as Aretha said, R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  

In this situation, respect means respecting your friend's integrity and right to choose what she wants to do.  The guy should either respect the fact that she's an excellent provider and be proud of her reviews, or, if he can't take the heat, use that property money, buy your friend a fat annuity, and give her an early retirement.

She may actually be afraid of a relationship that could have a chance of working.

Not true.  She is the kind of girl that likes her space and is worried he will be around too much once the wife goes.

As Turkana said, respect her right to choose her own path.

But be there for her when it falls apart.  

It will...and she'll really need a friend when it does.

Yoda

I am worried about her because of comments she passes on to me, that he has said.  He seems like an insecure fellow.  From printing out one review that bothered him and asking her to read it back to him. To commenting about understanding OJ's insanity with Nicole.  To accusing her of looking at other men.  

I think she is tiring of his nonsense and missing the sanity of her work.  Poor girl ends up meeting men who act confident but melt into puddy after she starts dating them.

Please, give us a break!!  What about this guy's wife?  Where's the respect for her in all this?  Nobody yet in this thread has even mentioned her, so the unspoken assumption must be that she is a bitch.

Maybe this provider should show some respect for her and stay away from this man.  Maybe she should some self-respect and not become a cheap toy for this man.  And she should show some respect for her profession and not act like a love-sick school girl.

What of yours?  What of anyone else's?

What is your point?  So she should not consider the wife when she is providing a service but when she is dating?  You make no sense.

Perhaps you are aware of the phenomenon in which someone who is drowning saves themselves by standing on the shoulders of their would-be rescuer, thereby killing him.  Probably apocryphal, but it does illustrate a point.  If you want to rescue someone who is drowning, you need to ask them three questions:

(1) Are you in trouble?
(2) Do you need my help?
(3) Will you do everything I tell you to do?

If the person answers "no" to any of those questions, then leave him alone, or you risk drowning yourself as well.

Actually, MY unspoken assumption was that the wife wasn't part of the question, or at least not directly.

You may have missed the point made above about how seldom people "in love" care about what anyone has to say about their relationship unless it validates their feelings.  Your suggestions are valid, but most likely unwelcome.

Yoda

-- Modified on 4/8/2004 8:52:18 PM

He wants everything his way. He gets to keep his wife, his financial situation remains intact, and he has your friend at his beck and call. He wants her to do her job less well than she's capabable and willing to do and gets jealous if she doesn't. He's scheming to move the wife out of the way for six months at a time and rearranging his lifestyle so he can afford to keep your friend around.

I don't know if the guy's insane, but he's really self-centered. If he really cares for her or loves her he wouldn't be going through all this BS. He'd get his $h!t together, straighten out his life, and figure out who he wants to be with.

The $64 question is: what does your friend want out of this relationship? If she's just looking for a fling, then this could be exciting or fun. But if she's looking for a long term relationship she should just save herself some time and anguish and get out. All she needs to know has already been said: He's not leaving his wife because she would ruin him financially. His bank account, not his wife's or your friends' feelings, is his primary concern.

Just an aside, how good can his finances be if he's buying a smaller house so he can afford your friend? Also, He's too self-centered to keep on top of all this indefinately. Sooner or later this is going to come crashing down around him and he'll be ruined financially despite his good intentions.

I haven't found myself in a situation like this. Personally, I'd move heaven and earth to be with someone I loved and who loved me back.

Sheesh, and we accuse the ladies of being 'only about the money'.

Well his wife may very well be such a bitch she makes life horrible.  Or not, do we know either way?

Well if he wants to be with her he would be willing to leave his wife for her.

I for one have been and am in a simular situation,

Assuming she is unmarried it would be simple.

If she is married too why should he leave, if she is not married he should leave to be with her.

I remember no mention of her situation, single and unattached or married.


Speaking as someone in a remotely simular situation.

1.  I won't come in your mouth, 2. I will pay you back, and 3. yes you guessed it, "I will never leave you."

Since this guy sounds of limited financial means, your provider friend is in it for nothing unless, of course, she truly loves him and would just want to be with him under any circumstance.

Youth and physical beauty are finite.  By taking herself off the market to be with this guy without having even the prospect of the legal protection of a marital relationship, is your provider friend thinking clearly?

I'll just say that she is single, beautiful and smart.  He is offering to pay for her school and whatever else she needs to be able to attend school so that she can find another career.  He also wants to cosign on a nicer place for her.  To me, this just sounds like wanting to have some control over her.  And she has voiced concerns about waking up, being older and having nothing to show for.

It sounds good right now and he has hinted that he may leave his wife if they still feel the same way a year from now.  I think he wants to wait and make sure she feels the same way about him down the road.

If she is single he is a fool for not leaving wife for her. He clearly then wants it both ways. My situation is complicated because I will leave my sife if she leaves her husband and retires.