and I feel really bad! She was well reviewed and her pics looked decent. When I got to her room, she didn't answer. I could hear she was on the toilet and I heard it flush. She finally answered the door and had this deep voice and just didn't look as nice as her pics. I actually thought with the BIG head and gave her some lame excuse about how she looked like my ex-girlfriend and I couldn't go through with it. At first she was nice about it then told me very curtly to get out. That look on her face made me feel really bad. I know I did the right thing for me and for her, but I still feel horrible. Anyone have a similar experience?

It takes courage to do that... even on B&S's I have stayed... why?  Just did not wish to face drama... or to be blunt.  And let's face it - sometimes the ONLY excuse is a blunt one.  Truth in advertising will go a long way.  I've always said that there is a taste for all types.  Being honest in the advertising eliminates those ackward moments when both sides realize that the next 60 min or whatever are gonna be torture.

I would say to you, remember the anticipation of what you expected - and how it failed to meet your up close experience.

or just one of those things?

If the former, I would say that you were justified; however, if the latter, then some compensation should have been proffered if for no other reason than to preserve your reputation.

I have had situations where the woman does not quite meet my expectations, but not where I would have considered walking away.  The little head sometimes does know best.

On a totally different subject:

Before I openned your post, it looked as if no one had replied yet, however after I openned it, I saw that BSD had written a response, but said response does not show up when you look at the unopenned posts.

Anyone know what's up with that?

I wouldn't say false advertising, as the pics were current albeit retouched. There was also something about her voice that freaked me out too. Just a bit too deep.
How much compensation would be reasonable? For some reason I feel she probably would have been insulted if I gave her a couple of bucks just to tell her I thought she wasn't up to snuff (I could tell she saw right through my ex-girlfriend excuse). I know it is a pretty touchy situation all around. But when I got in my car to drive home I felt good about my decision, but horrible about how I possibly made her feel.

I have refused providers who have shown up at my hotel extremely late (over an hour) without calling, especially if its a late night appointment and I am getting tired. Usually, I will offer to pay for their transportaion home. I have never refused to see a provider on the basis she did not look exactly like her pictures (although I thought about it on a few occassions). I suppose I was horny and wanted to get laid, so I thought with the little head. Besides, once you are there in front of the provider, its very difficult to turn around and leave (or ask her to leave if she came to see you)

The only time I have left a provider upon arriving was that I thought I heard noise in bathroom. She wouldnt say anything to me until I stripped and she wouldnt let me check out the bathroom...I left immediately.

1. The hotel room was smokey and disgusting.  The bathroom was full of used towels.  The provider was stoned or drunk or both.
2. A bona fide bait and switch.  Awesome photos but the lady was completely different and unattractive to me.
3. A really unfriendly, way-too-business-like attitude.  I could not see spending $$$ to waste my time with her and the major chip on her shoulder.

Those were my 3 in 15+ years.

-- Modified on 2/13/2007 2:46:59 PM

-- Modified on 2/13/2007 2:51:28 PM

-- Modified on 2/13/2007 3:11:25 PM

Based on the responses so far, I feel like I broke some kind of code. Like stepping past the threshold in her hotel room I was passing the point of no return.
I thought I'd get some props for my ability to think with the "big" head. I probably wouldn't be able to get it up, not enjoyed myself and would've been out the price of admission.
Although it wasn't a B&S, I wasn't impressed and didn't want to waste anyone's time. Is that so wrong?

can make up for the insult you have given this provider.  What do you mean, you "know you did the right thing for me and for her?"  How?  You obviously made her feel like a piece of shit.  

A very dear provider friend of mine had this happen to her and she was depressed and in tears for more than an hour.    

Send this provider an email with a very sincere apology, and offer to give her the full donation -- stating that you'd be willing to meet her in a coffee shop or hotel lobby and discreetly hand her an envelope.  Do not ask for her address or personal information.  Keep it short and sweet.  If she says no, then do her the favor of getting out of her life and staying out of it.

Next time you go to hobby, remember that providers are flesh and blood human beings who deserve respect.

Back in the "bad old days" before the Internet, when a new girl was learning the ropes (usually with a more experienced girl, as a mentor of sorts), it was always explained that a girl could expect "walk-outs" or "walks."

I was told that no matter how beautiful a girl is, no matter how sparkling her personality, everyone -- everyone -- got walks once in a while. It just happened. It was an unpleasant part of the business, but we all had to deal with it.

Back then, all we could do was describe our appearance on the phone. Sometimes, words were not enough, or men would listen to the description and picture something that wasn't close to the actual appearance of the lady... then he'd show up, be disappointed his invented image didn't match the reality, and he'd walk out.

It just happened. And it was painful. It was humiliating. It was depressing and sad and uncomfortable. A girl always felt awful after a walk. Real hard on the ego. I knew one girl who, by a fluke of nature, got three walks in one day. She was devastated. She couldn't work for days, and when she did finally go back to work, that first client of the day absolutely terrified her. She was so afraid to open the door, for fear she'd get another walk.

I had a similar body-type then as I do now. I used to describe myself on the phone as "voluptuous, rubenesque, curvy, soft and round, blah blah blah"... I was trying gently to explain that I'm a bigger girl. Once I had a man come to the door, take one look at me, and announce, "I didn't know you were going to be a fat bitch!" I replied smoothly, "I didn't know you were going to be a flaming asshole." Then I closed the door and went and cried for a couple of hours. It was awful.

One of the most amazing things about the Internet, for me, is that I can post hundreds of pictures on my site that very clearly show exactly what I look like. And, since I started doing so, I haven't had a single walk. Not one. It's been amazing, and so good for my head.

It works out beautifully... men look at my pics, decide ahead of time that I'm lovely, or conversely, that I'm not for them, and everyone is happy.

The secret is accurate pictures, though. I have several sets of professional photos... but I also have plenty of "candid" shots, too. I deliberately put up photos that show my body, photos that I think aren't the most flattering, but that clearly show exactly what I look like. I even contemplated putting up a few pics of what I look like in the morning, so overnight clients wouldn't be surprised! LOL

Airbrushed photos don't do anyone any favors.

I do love this business, and it's so much nicer now, that I can feel confident and relaxed, knowing that everyone who comes to see me is happy to be seeing *me!*

xxxooo
Beverly ;-*

You first didn't hear her voice when scheduling or confirming your appointment with her or getting the room number via the 2-call system?  Or were all calls with the agency?

Thanks for the insight Bev.  I recently had a conversation with a provider regarding another lady's pics, which are more than just flattering.  It's my bet that the pictures will get someone TO the door, but disappointment will surely follow.  I'm not gonna go into details, but I think it's a mistake in the long run.

The few times ive had to walk (3 total two were b/s the other she just flat out scared me) ive said i left my wallet in the  car brb and got the hell out.

I disagee that he should have to contact her and give her the full donation. If the gentleman was not satisfied with what he was "buying" (i.e. the ladies time) than he should not have to pay for her company if he decides not to go through with it.

I think you are way too harsh to say he had no respect for this provider. He made an appointment, and when he got there the lady was not what he had anticipated. I believe he had wanted to keep the appointment but the physical attraction wasnt there. So instead of spending an unsatisfying hour, he stated his position up front and left. It happens. No respect would have been to not face her at all.  

Yes, he could have offered to pay some cancellation fee (as she may have lost out on another potential client by booking with him) but he did not. Nor did she demand any payment. Life goes on.

That's the classic excuse. Every girl knows, when she hears that one, that you won't be coming back.

Personally, I always thought it would be nice if someone, just once, would say: "You know, you seem like a very nice person, but I've changed my mind. I am very sorry." And then offered a token cancellation fee, as the lady has reserved her time for you, instead of booking with someone else.

The walk would still hurt, but I think a gentle, respectful exit would be a bit easier to deal with...

xxxooo
Beverly ;-*

and I can't argue with that.

Two issues you should reflect upon that are mentioned in others' posts:

First, you should give some compensation for the woman's time.  At least a $, I would think.

Second, a face saving way of exiting should always be employed, perhaps along the lines of:  "I started to feel kind of ill while driving over and I really don't think I should stay."  She'll get the message but at least it's not so in-your-face.

The three times i left were pretty grim and i honestly didnt cae about much other than escape. If it were a simple shes 20 lbs heavier then she should be i would stay and probably stil enjoy myself.

Turkana, I tried to make my exit as classy as possible. I was not demeaning in any way. I was apologetic. I might not be the best liar, but used the best excuse I could think of at the time (you remind me too much of an ex to go on w/ this).
Her pics were definitely touched up, and the sweet voice I heard over the phone changed when we were face to face.
I know I did the right thing for me because I saved myself an hour of agonizing sex w/ a provider I had ZERO attraction to. She would have seen and felt that through the hour. I'd rather save the $$$ and forego through 3,600 seconds of agonizing sex with someone I wouldn't even bang for free. She is a professional and is paid to do that, but that is something that I wouldn't pay for and I don't think any of you would either.
As far as your suggestion to send her an apology and give her the full donation, I don't know what person in their right mind would do that. That would do way more harm than good. She would be reminded once again of the embarrassment I may have caused her.
Again, I feel horrible for what happened. But we are all in this hobby for selfish reasons. I do this because I am a pleasure seeker looking to please ME. I am in the hobby for ME. I am in it for self-serving reasons. Sure I knew what I was doing SUCKED, but I would not go through with a session just to SPARE the feelings of this provider.
I hate being the bad guy in this. Unfortunately, I would do it again. I think I might just need to work on my exit strategy.

Embarassment or not, you put a dent in her livelihood. We see enough no calls/no shows as it is. You are probably right, she would likely decline any offer you might make belatedly to compensate her for the lost session. Making the offer though, does two things for her. First, it gives her an opportunity to recover the lost income if she chooses to accept the donation, and secondly, it gives her an opportunity to salvage a modicum of dignity by saying "Thank you, but no" to your offer. Its a choice she deserves to make.

I wouldn't say you should offer the full donation, but at least half of what her donation would have been would be appropriate to compensate for the lost time. Its up to you of course, but I think making the offer would be appropriate.

I walked out when I saw the track marks and dilated pupils.  However I did leave the full donation.

Thank you for the recommendations. I know for a fact that she didn't lose any business by me scheduling a session w/ her. Her schedule was open for the hour I scheduled, as well as the preceding and following hours, so I know I didn't take up the time of someone else who might have partaken. I had to get that piece of info out there.
The provider told me rather firmly that I get out of the room. I think I will not EVER communicate w/ her again. I do not want to prolong whatever feelings I gave her. Giving her money wouldn't do anything for MY piece of mind, it would only be for her financial gain and I STILL would be feeling shitty AND be out several bucks. Definitely not a win-win in any sense.
The only thing I can do is just hope it never happens again. Thank you all!

The girl needs to keep in mind that it was YOUR problem.....not that something was wrong with HER.  And you don't need to feel badly about that either.  We all have our own tastes.  It probably would have been nice of you to leave her a partial donation for her time in waiting for you and getting ready to see you, and the possibility that she had turned down another client to see you.  It's too bad she reacted so angrily.  A man I saw once had clearly not read my website and was evidently expecting a young spinner..(which I am not and don't claim to be.  His attitude was "Let's get this over with"......which made me feel awful and feel like a used piece of meat.  I stewed about it till I reminded myself that it was HIS problem, not MINE! If a woman had misrepresented herself tho, or if it were a bait and switch I feel you have every right to leave with no compensation.

-- Modified on 2/13/2007 4:38:45 PM

By this point, it is way too late to offer compensation.  In most situations, the customer has the option of refusing even after the goods have been presented, e. g. sending back a bottle of opened wine, sending back a dish in a restaurant, etc.  The requirement is that it be done courteously and without embarrassment.  In this business, it seems to me any hobbyist has the right to say, up front, if there is no obvious deception on the part of the provider, "I'm very sorry but this isn't going to work for me, but I'd like to compensate you for your trouble," and proffer maybe a third of the fee as a "cancellation charge."  After all, presumably the provider had to prepare, etc.
This is a subjective situation, but it seems to me basic rules of decency prevail here as in any other situation.  The provider might be pissed off over the cancellation, but the customer really has the right of refusal until $$$ have been exchanged. The customer has the obligation to exit gracefully and not make any personal remarks unless there has been deception or misrepresentation, the setup is suspicious, etc.

One of them is bad sex.
Another is bad sex that you just paid for in hard earned cash.
You have to trust your instincts (the ones above your waist) and as long as you weren't mean or unreasonable I don't see why you should feel guilty.  In my younger day I was too craven to walk out when I should have but later on I figured that if the provider wasn't being honest with me (appearance didn't match pics, etc.) I had no reason to stick around.

Hmm...do you think that she gave a crap about YOUR feelings when she decided to post misleading pictures of herself to lure clients in the door under false pretenses? You shouldn't feel bad, she should feel bad for wasting your time and lying about what she's selling.


Air brushing the crap out of pictures and/or using old pictures has become the norm not the exception these days. Pisses me off to be honest because its such a blatant lack of respect towards us guys. Wonder how the ladies would feel if  every client "misrepresented" the donation amount in the envelope. Not too happy I'd imagine, and that isn't any less of a scam than what they do to us by using misleading pictures.

If more guys had the balls to walk away we'd see a lot more truth in advertising than there is today.
(can ya tell this topic is a pet peeve of mine, lol!)


I'd have handled it differently than you though. I've been in this situation a number times over the years and I don't bother with a "dog ate my homework" line. I tell them the truth, that the pictures weren't an accurate representation and I'm not going through with the appointment.  None of the ladies argued or asked for compensation because they knew damn well that I was right. If anyone should be compensated it should have been ME because they wasted my freaking time with their lying.

BIG DISCLAIMER THOUGH.....I'm posting this stance under the premise that there was enough variation between her pictures and the real person to warrant your actions.  You have to allow for a little "wiggle room" in this business. If she was just a little bit different looking, or the pics were just a little bit old, that's a different story and she may have been entitled to a few bucks in compensation.

-- Modified on 2/13/2007 8:08:47 PM

if she's using inaccurate pictures he should still give her half the money? Not a snowballs chance in hell. She should pay him for wasting his time.

I have had guys not want to stay. Some because I didn't treat them like some piece of meat. I was nice and talked to them like they were a human being and they chose not to stay. Some give 20 - 50 for wasting my time and 1 didn't give anything. WRONG! I held that slot just for him and regardless SOMETHING would have been much better then NOTHING.

Had another see a bag of pills on my entertainment center and ASSumed it was drugs. It was a bag of prenatal vitamins because the bottle fell and broke. Should have asked me or paid more attention to the fact that someone was pregnant......

Either way if you booked and wasted her time regardless of the reasons you left, give the poor girl something. Thats how she makes her living. Some of us have kids to support and households etc to take care of ya know. I mean if she is totally wacked out on drugs and its obvious thats one thing, but your reasons for leaving were not good enough to have wasted her time like that with absolutely no compensation what so ever. YOU WERE IN THE WRONG.

Being honest and truthful will not only justify how you feel, but also to signal to the women that she needs to update her pictures!

If she can handle feedback in a postive way, maybe she'll do something about her airbrushed pictures. If she doesn't then hopefully she gets more walk-out, and dummies up!

I'm sorry but I'm with the guys here... Keep your pictures acurate!!!!

Christina xox

Beverly,

Thanks for your contribution. I enjoyed reading your post. I agree completely about accurate pictures and try to update mine every two months.

I've had two clients "walk" and didn't take it personally. You never know why, and there is no reason to speculate. Once, he told me I looked like his cousin, I figured he was lying but you never know...

I figure there are nerves, and a million other things going on for the guy, as well as the fact that I may not be everyone's cup of tea- though they *should* be able to tell from my photos.

I do believe a modest "kill fee" (as it is called in the film/photo/event procution industry) is appropriate.

I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;

I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on ground.

And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

What Shakespeare evocatively wrote in prose so many years pass results in the same conclusion today, that we often make false comparisons.  Comparisons derived from the false exaggerations of Madison Avenue, our wild imaginations, airbrushing or a person's shallowness.

What is true are your tender words.  Thank you for letting me in on a perspective that has been safely tucked in the back of my head.  The idea of having to describe myself to others truthfully and at the same time tactfully maintaining a modicum of self-esteem would be difficult.  I suppose courage and perseverance are aspects of a provider I never thought of as essential qualities to possess.

You write very well Ms. Fisher and without false compare.






-- Modified on 2/13/2007 10:11:40 PM

So shines a good deed in a weary world.

Your words are by far one of the nicest gifts I've received in a long time. I've heard that all any of us truly desires is to be understood. Sometimes I think that in this hobby there is more understanding... but sometimes, it feels like much, much less, as though the gap between male and female, person and person, is enormous and impassable.
And then, once in a while, I feel the warm connection that comes when someone reaches out across the chasm.
Thank you.

xxxooo
Beverly ;-*

So...what is wrong with being treated like a piece of meat?....sometimes.  While some chatting is nice,  they aren't paying for the chat.  They can find plenty of that elsewhere for free.

they get slammed? Doesn't it work both ways?

I am a retired hobbyist and log time ago i walked out on an established provider in Boston. I remember, i knocked on her hotel room, she opened and we kissed and i noticed that she smelled. Something i could not get over. So, i stood up and said i am sorry, i don't think i can do this today. I picked the envelop up, opened it, got a 50 dollars bill out of time and put it on the table (back then a 150 date was considered high priced provider). She was totally shocked, but she did not make a scene. A couple of days later, she called me and asked why i walked out on her. I told her that her that her body oder smelled like vodka and bourbon and i just couldn't stay. She apologized to me and offered a two-hour date free of all charges. Of course i did not accept the free date when i visited her a week later, but she insisted and charged me only 50%.

Why am i telling you this story? Well for several reasons. Yes, you were right to walk out on her if she did not fit your fantasy or you were misled. No, you were wrong for not leaving some money, at least a 20% of the charge. No, she is wrong for getting mad at you. If she was really an established lady, she should have understood that something was wrong with her. Here it is, i said it.

You sound like a very compassionate, decent person and I think you did the right thing. I'm sure she felt bad and wondered why. I'm sure she later realized that it's not personal and these things do happen sometimes.

The one time I ever 'walked' as you put it had nothing to do with the provider.  In fact, I had seen her on several previous visits (and really enjoyed her company).  However, this time around, somewhere between my calling her and her showing up (about an hour) I got an EXTREME case of the 'guilts' and just couldn't go through with it.  I didn't know what to tell her when she arrived so I offered my best excuse (I got a call from a friend that needed me right away), paid her a cancellation fee for her travel time, and left my hotel.

I felt awful for doing that but at the time it was the only thing I could do.  I'll never know what I missed out on that night but I kept my sanity.  Funny thing is that maybe if I had kept the appointment my guilt would have got me out of this hobby for good.  Not the case....

I would say that even after a provider shows up, either party has the right of refusal for any reason, provided fair compensation is offered for transportation time and expense involved.  That's not a perfect solution, but it's fair.  Good screening and research by both parties can keep these glitches to a minimum.  Unfortunately, ordering goods without being able to inspect them personally is one of the costs of doing business in the electronic era.

Thanks for your post Beverly. Years ago, the time you are referring to, (before the internet & having my pics online) working via agencies I was turned down 4 times total. It is so humiliating but I agree that it is best to be nice about it & they all were nice about it at least, I think 3 gave some $, one didn't. I did take it personally but know better now.

I still have some fear of rejection, lol.

Sara

-- Modified on 2/14/2007 12:25:40 PM

That if I show up, clean, sober and the person I said I was; and the provider says, "Oh, I've changed my mind." that I should still give her a Benjamin; do you?

Turkana, you have to think of the relationship between a hobbyist and a provider as a business relationship where the client is king. Yes, it involves feelings and all of that, but the bottom line is that a provider is offering a product and the client is buying it. And the client has the right to walk away from a deal if the deal is not good enough. However, there is always some sort of financial penalty when you walk away from a deal and the client has to shoulder that burned.

Just to put more crudely, when was the last time you bought a car, a pair of shoes, a house, or tv and once home you found some defect with it and did not return it? I am sure it really rare and even when you experience the buyer's remorse feeling the day after, you always had the option to return it and get your money back.
Client-provider relationship should be the same. I was a hobbyist for more than 15 years and that was what was expected of us hobbyist and them providers. The rests of "hurting feelings" and all of that is a smart way to hide shortcomings and failures on the part of the providers. Having said that, the hobbyist has to be a gentleman and act in appropriate and gentlemanly ways and manners. You don't go around insulting providers and you don't go around not re-compensates them for their time.  This is just plain common sense.

No of course not.  Common sense has a place in this too, although it's more situational ethics than rigid rule following.  Do you agree?

I think he was saying that if she made the graceful exit she should owe you some compensation for your time and trouble.

I'm not going to hold my breath for it.  

A provider giving compensation when she cancels the meeting, that's funny. I think I'll see Elvis in concert before that ever happens!

Providers aren't selling a product. They sell their time.  And they're not in a position to fill the time if the client cancels at the last minute.

If I have an appointment with my dentist, and I fail to show up, I get billed a cancellation fee.  Why isn't this the same?

Good point, Tarkana.  Such a seemingly simple topic has lots of special ramifications, doesn't it?  But dentists are in the driver's seat -- they have much more power than their patients.  If the dentist cancels at the last minute, there is no compensation for lost time.  With hobbyists and providers, I'd say the power equation is roughly equal, with the edge to providers.  But in-demand providers have a big edge and can pretty well call the shots.  In any case, hobbyists don't get compensated for broken appointments, at least in $$$.  So it's not just a question of ethics, but also of power relationships.  The bottom line is that in sex, love, and politics, the best people are those who have power but wield it with a strong sense of ethical obligations.  Too bad life is unfair, still.

-- Modified on 2/15/2007 10:29:39 PM

Selling time or selling something else, a matter of semantics,  it is still a business relationship. Moreover, no one is arguing with you about cancellation fees. I made it crystal clear in my post that hobbyists should act like gentlemen and not like CLYDESDALES.

By the way, when you hire a lawyer, you are not paying for his/her services, you are paying for his/her time. I show you my lawyers' bill and you'll see that they bill me per hour. So, they are also not selling a product but time. However, in business, time is a commodity--that is, a product.

-- Modified on 2/16/2007 7:58:47 AM