what would you do if you caught your SO seeing a provider? What would you do if you caught him having an affair?
1. Divorce/break up with him
2. Figure it is cool for you to go have some fun too
3. Get upset because he did not include you in the extracurricular fun?
4. Take him for everything you could
5. Say nothing and be either accepting, silently angry or oblivious
I am asking because I read the TER survey which states that 46%?? of men who see providers are married only once. This kind of makes you think maybe seeing a provider rather than having an affair is better for long relationships. Then there is always that chance some men who fool around feel they have to leave the marriage in order to do so. So hypothetically, as a provider who gets involved in a LTR or married, what would you do if you found out?
It wouldn't be No.5, but after that I guess you do what you have to do, as you would if he found out. I think the ideal answer would be No. 3, and make sure you are included next time, if that feels good.
I'd hoped to see some replies, but maybe nobody's sure of an
answer, or wants to avoid answering.
My experience is that jealousy and possessiveness invariably
cause turmoil when one partner is found to have had an encounter
outside the relationship.
I've asked myself how I'd feel if my wife had an extramarital
relationship and I've decided it really doesn't matter to me.
But I really wouldn't want to know about it, either.
For a man, a pragmatic relationship with providers, whereas emotional bonds do not develop, and it remains withing sexual boundaries has been an alternative to divorce ... not my opinion, just a fact of life ...
If a woman engages in an affair, probably divorce is the right alternative in most cases. Without attempting to be a chauvinist, men, in general, can separate a sexual relationship from an emotional one, whereas I have had experiences with even providers that at some point, have developed emotional bond. This happened to me, and I maintained the liaison, which only made life more complicated, for her as well ...
I beg to differ quite strongly on the point you made about how men can separate sex and their emotions while women can't. It's my experience, and I'm sure a lot of SPs will tell you the same, that it's quite the opposite. Even when I was single and worked in an office job, I could never find men who were comfortable with a sex only relationship. Sure, they all THOUGHT that's what they wanted, but after two or three times, they'd get uncomfortable with it and stop. They'd develop a really derogatory attitude, you know how some guys like to absolve themselves of responsibility because "she was giving it out and what was I supposed to do?" Women make good SPs precisely because they don't get involved emotionally with their clients, I think there are enough of us around to prove that point.
But I think maybe on reflection that it's just a fact that if you are the sort of person, male or female, who doesn't get emotionally involved necessarily in a sexual relationship, you will be at odds with the people who do, and there's no way of telling who's who in advance, (and to complicate it even more, people will lie about this sort of thing.
Which kind've brings me around to the original thread, being what to do if you're an ex-SP and your SO is fooling around. Everybody's relationship is different, and sexual fidelity may not be part of it, but surely telling the truth is. OR is it a situation where the guy feels that, because of her "past", he's pretty much entitled to do whatever he wants and she shouldn't complain? Open relationships can be hard to juggle, it all sounds good, but no one wants to be the one who's left out at any given time.
-Anya
It can, and does, get maddening. Providers have spoken of clients who come on like great romantics and then switcheroo into abusive turds. My ATF needed about a year to trust our friendship. She's had too many overcomplicated gentlemen as clients and resultantly came to see every overture as bait in an emotional trap.
Another femme in the biz was evolving into a wonderful GF. Soulful, sexy, effortless communication, like we'd know each other since childhood. As far a childhoods go, her's was miserable, a crazy stepftaher who used to make her box (as in spar) with him to warm up, then would beat the crap out of her younger brother.
I was mightily impressed with her fortitude. She's found her way though life since she left home at sixteen, navigated big city life, has her social group, loves her cat with half of a tail.
At the moment where we found ourselves completely comfortable and accepting of each other she flipped into total paranoia mode, had her phones disconnected, and generally showed signs of extravagant abreaction (quote: "Such a stressful memory, so real it feels like it is happening again, is called an abreaction")....
She had earlier averred that none of her relationships lasted for more that brief periods. Now I have a good idea why this is so.
Obviously, she has muchas cosas to work through with the ghost of her departed Popi who abandoned her to this repulsive freak of a stepfather.
Her feelings of closenss are too near to her feelings of abandonment so she will take emotional revenge on any man who re-activates those feelings by a dramatic (and wildly irrational) act of rejection.
The "biz" is the only place she can safely, in her mind, connect to a man, then disconnect before the crazy feelings start to churn.
It would be obtuse not to suspect that many men are drawn to the hobby on account of similar emotional dynamics.
In her case, in anyone's case, when we are in the grip of extreme emotion it is impossible to parse out the sources and manage the consequences.
Possibly, throuh meditation, self observation, counseling, hanging around the right people, taking your karma to the wash on a regular basis, you can get yourself to another plane, the Zen of it all.
I must agree, men for the most part separate and form sex and emotion as 2 separate identities. I learned the hard way !!
The thrill of the conquest is part of a high for most men. They go to great lengths to get their prey. They promise their victoms a life of luxuary and love and hapiness forever. Take them up on their offer and watch them run.
Some fairey tales come true but like mentioned before this is a one in a million occurance. I lost my atf and good friend, who was one of my first clients without any goodbyes or explinations. Does he owe it to me ? Probably not but it sure would have been nice.
I do enjoy being a provider and truly believe that we provide a service to some of our clientle' that saves some marriages.
But my foolish pride was broke several times and I swallowed lots of tears before I decided I was going to harden my heart.
As much as the thought makes me cringe, the statement made by the gentlemen is true. More oft than not a man tends to be better able to separate emotional bonds than a woman. There are exceptions to the rule though, and do agree that the women in this endeavor are the exception to the rule and even then their are those that do slip.....men and women alike.
As to the original post. Call me the worlds greatest cynic, but belive the odds for a relationship with a hobbiest to lead to something permanent is a million to one. I have only heard of two success stories. The rest have been infatuations gone sour very quickly or at least within a year. The Pretty Woman fantasy is just that...a fairy tale. And am amazed that a woman in this forum would be surprised to learn that her SO still hobbies.
One of the success stories is one with a former provider that knows full well that her SO still hobbies. They are okay with that and are still happily married after 15 years. It is all in what one finds works in their relationship. Each are unique in their own way. Conventional rules are those that doom it to begin with and cannot be universally applied to every one.
Lauren
I have to agree 100% Anya. How else can we do what we do. I think some men might be surprised how a lot of ladies in and out of the business wish there was less attachment. Before I started in this business there was an ongoing joke about how I could not sleep with anyone without eventually getting either a marriage proposal or pressure for a comitted relationship. Good sex is just that. Good sex. I don't want to wake up with everyone I sleep with. Will answer more later, right now I have to run!!! XOXOXOXOOX
Any relationship you've invested time and love into is worth fighting for, but the only way any relationship can survive is through communication. It may be yelling and screaming, it may be simple discussions, but talking though the issues will help it to survive. If that's what you want.
If I had caught my SO or she caught me, I would expect to discuss and find out the reasons why either of us felt the need to pursue this.
Take Care,
SoCalTroy
IMHO: It really depends on the person. I've had sex with many women who were" friends to have sex with" without getting involved. It was discussed early on in the friendship what was what. These female friends appreciated and welcomed the honesty and the lack of worry/pressure that it would evolve into something more. I tried not to get into these relationship with people whom I thought couldn't make the distinction.
Now I'm married, have children, and can count the number of times a year I have sex with my wife on one hand. Since I've always had a great sex drive, (to some men, it's a need just like eating, excercising, etc.)I've discussed it with her, and nothings changed. So I started going to SP, which fills my needs, doesn't break apart my family, and keeps things uncomplicated. Although I may feel guilty at times, I would feel worse if I had an affair.
Question for the women. What would bother you more? Your SO having a one night stand, or sharing strong emotions with another over a long period of time? ( an emotional affair)