Do you guys ever feel a sense of guilt for your extramarital activities or are you all so miserable in your matrimonial bondage that secretly you're wishing that your wife's Ford Explorer would flip & burn. I'm making NO judgement calls here. I've been married(twice); As well as unfaithfull(both). But the stress, guilt and logistics of infidelity had me home many more nights than not.

 YourKarma's curious

The very first time, very guilty. Took a break and then got back into it. Each time it got less guility. But still feel guilty. I try to justify the activity since I was away on business for long periods of time (out of state out of mind). My rule was that I don't hobby in the state where I live. It one of those things that you can never recover from. As a result you come back like a crack addict. The only way to break the habbit is to get another set of hobbies and get involved doing some community service stuff that you have no free time.

No guilt. Been married 32 wonderful years to an incredible woman, who is unaware of my hobby. We have a very active sex life. I may have felt some guilt 20-25 years ago, but have long since accepted that this is the way I am wired.

No stress. How can you have stress with all of the great ladies you meet through this hobby?

No logistical problems. I never hobby in my home state.

Neither, really.  I love my wife, but she long ago lost interest in having any kind of a meaningful sexual relationship in our marriage.  Sex is once or twice a month, depending upon how much I nudge, and it's almost always an act of acquiescence for her.  I have come to hate the routine of being reluctantly indulged on rare occasion, and to resent that she has the power, if I let her do it, to turn my marriage vow into a vow of celibacy.

So I hobby.  For myself, I have yet to have intercourse with anybody but my wife, but by that I don't mean to make a Clintonesque distinction -- whether it's a B2B FBSM or a lap dance in a strip club where a dancer grinds her crotch into my cock til I cum, it's sexual satisfaction pure and simple, and I'm not saying my hobbying will continue for long to refrain from intercourse.

I do love my wife, and don't wish her minivan to flip and burn, and I intend to keep our family intact, period.  But I'm much happier getting a massage or such once every week or two, and consider it a small price to pay to have this much-needed outlet.

Granted I would rather have a great sexual relationship with my wife, but that's not an alternative that's available to me.  Dragging her to therapy would, I believe I know both her and our relationship well enough to know, be disastrous.  Among the choices realistically available to me, I choose staying married, and hobbying for my own well-deserved pleasure.

I don't feel guilty that I'm "cheating", as -- in lawyerly terms -- her material breach in denying me a sexual relationship with my wife (which breach I struggled against for *years*) excuses my continued performance of my covenant.  I *am* cheating, I don't deny that, but I'm quite accepting of it.

I'm not otherwise miserable in my matrimonial relationship, just sexually miserable.

Stress and guilt don't bug me.  The logistics to which you refer are indeed formidable.  I wind up taking long lunches during the work day, or leaving work in the afternoon to run an "errand", or some such.  There's no coming home at 10:00 PM saying I worked late -- although she hardly ever calls the office, with my luck the one time I might try such a stunt that would be the time something calls for her actually trying to reach me.

Separate note -- I've never had an "affair", that is, I've never so much as kissed anybody but my wife, providers aside.  Not that there wasn't one sweet young thing I made a serious pass at, and with whom I would willingly have had an affair, but that's another story.

-- Modified on 4/13/2003 3:29:40 PM

I have wondered, similarly, how many men are in a position like mine?

I have been married for over 30 years and we are quite happy.  I enjoy the life we live and the time we spend together.  Of importance is our long history together and our planning for the future; be it home remodel or trips abroad.  We both look forward to these things in our life.

We haven't had sex in several years.  It is a combination of many things but at the forefront is her health.  I am in a situation where she is tolerant of my activities because she doesn't know about them.  That is, she has a great need for respect and the ultimate humiliation would come if anyone that she knows knew that I did this.  So what I do is never discussed or even hinted at.  She knows that I haven't gone without for these last years but she doesn't want to know anything about how, when, with whom, or even if I have had an encounter.  Most of my hobbying is done out of town to further increase the level of descression and while away I call her every night.

I don't have affairs because of the entanglements that come from them, though I have had the opportunity present itself.  Escorts are perfect and as such I offer thanks to all you ladies who truely "provide" me with the sexual satisfaction that is part of our human need in a way that allows me to carry on with an otherwise lovely marriage.

Are there other men out there who are in similar situations?

Yes, I feel guilty sometimes, but not too much anymore.  It's just something I live with.  It's easier to bear than a life with no sex (I don't count reluctant sex, and I don't ask for it anymore).

No, I don't want my wife to die, though I wouldn't mind if she got a boyfriend and dumped me.  She's cool in a lot of ways, but we're better as friends than anything else.

To my question. All of the answers expressed could serve to educate and inform the general public of the ligitimacy of both the need as well as the profession.  
  I am humbled by the company I share on this board.
       YKSY.

Yes, I feel guilty. It took me nearly 30 years to reach the point of seeking sexual pleasure outside my marriage. I didn't know what I was missing. All the escorts I have meet have been wonderful, especially a special one with whom I share more than just sex. The guilty has been outweighed by a sense of renewal and has actually help me accept and try to improve on the negative aspects in my marriage. Thus, my marriage is on better ground and I've have had great pleasure and made an extraordinary friend. But the guilt will always be there, knowing how much it would hurt my wife if she found out.

Actually I didn't feel any guilt but was recently confronted and fessed up to the whole damn thing - every lie told for the last 16 years.  Needless to say I am now in my own apartment with my own bank account and I have to lie or sneak around any more.  Hmmm... just doesn't have the same allure anymore.

Boy!  What a question!  I actually hated my last wife so much that while we were in Hawaii, we were on a trail up in the mountains/hills of Honolulu area.  I went up on a higher hill off the trail to see what I could see.  When I came back down a few minutes later, I could not find any sign of my lovely wife.  I went up and down the trail calling her name with no replies.  I began thinking, "Wow! Just maybe. . . "  But then I heard her voice calling me. . . . .  I thought "Damn!, She (actually I didn't say "she") is still alive. . . "  We divorced tw years later.  So now I am single.  I see the same provider about once every six to eight weeks.  Only my financial situation stops me from seeing her more often.

On average about 3 or 4 times monthly. Last January I hit an all time high of 8. I just could not decide between the lovely selection in Florida so decided not to decide and saw them all.

I have no guilt about it, and I have a fantastic relationship with my SO (who is beautiful, young, sexy)... it would kill me if anything happened to her.

I hobby for variety... I accepted a long time ago that I am just not a one woman man. I avoid affairs because it would hurt people involved. Because I love variety, I love the brazilian places, the Korean amps. My view is, even if I have a Ferrari, I sometimes want to drive a Porsche or a Lamborghini... there are so many beautiful women, and I can't be satisfied by experiencing just one (or ten for that matter).

My SO assumes I see others, simply because she knows me... when I travel to Bangkok she even jokes that she looks forward to any new techniques I learn. Our agreement is that my hobby should remain unknown to her... ie. I must be absolutely discrete; no "spillover" into our shared world. My complex finances (overseas businesses) make it easy enough to finance my hobby without it affecting her or her knowing about it.

It is a happy arrangement.

O.

Mel' I think you will find as I have that the freedom you now enjoy to hobby at your descretion will far out weigh the thrill of subtafuge(sp?)around a SO. If it helps intensify the experience think about how you (and your provider) are outsmarting LE. I personally find this VERY cathartic.
 Good luck and enjoy your newfound freedom.
         YKSY

No guilt at all.  My situation is similar to Old Faithful, different only in the number of years we've been together (20).  No sex in several years.  In fact, she chooses to not even sleep in the same room.  She's 6 years older than me, and although she professes to have sexual desires, actions speak louder than words.  Also, for the first 12 years of our relationship (dating and marriage) she was, at 5'7", 120 lbs, very, very sexually attractive.  Since she's reached 225 lbs, this is no longer the case, and she does nothing but complain about her health, how miseralbe she is.  I ask the question "don't you think being 100 pounds heavier than 7 or 8 years ago has something to do with how you feel?".  Then, when she brings up the subject of sex, she has the nerve to ask if it's her weight that is a problem. Duh!  Other than that, we have a great relationship, the continual nagging aside.

When my relationship of 20 years hit the skids a few years back I began to hobby. I never really felt guilty but am worried about her ever finding out and ruining the life we lead.

I've now been with enough of the most wonderful women in the world to know what I like and dislike in life and have begun to slow down.

Thanks to all of you wonderful ladies who have fulfilled my desires through the years.

I hope to hobby until I am eighty.

I can relate, though our married sex life exists at some level.  Wouldn't trade my wife for anyone else...a fine companion, but she's "in the mood" about once a month or so.  Afairs are not a consideration, but hobbying allows my heart to be satisfied with my wife, and the lower region to be satisfied as well. Guilt? Some.  Probably about the money more than anything else.  Shouldn't I spend it on my wife?

But I find myself now attracted to the age old challenge of snagging a non-escort without getting tied to a relationship.  Is that possible anymore?  My problem is I compare them all to my ATF and that's tough to live up to.  It has taken the pressure off the ATF of having to be my entire fantasy life - which is what I believe I fell in love with.  Now I see it with a hell of lot clearer eyes and I can say I am better for it.  The time I spent with the ATf was freedom - pure and simple.  Now that I have the freedom, she doesn't have to have all of my hopes and fears put on her back.  I'll be seeing her next week for 4 days and I have this feeling with the stress and risk and lying washed away - we will probably have the best time we've ever had.  Either way, I'm just taking it all in stride now - wanting to be with her as her - no expectations, no strings, no lies.  

Feels good.

It is terrific to hear from others in the same predicament as I. Married 32 years, not wanting to split, no sex in several years, little sex in many years and good sex so long ago, I forgot what is was all about.

Finally got up the nerve to call a provider and take a chance on LE being understaffed. I chose someone near my age and perhaps a little less athletic and more traditional in methodology. She was a bit on the large side, but after a good look in the mirror no youngster would have really gotten excited over me anyway. This Lady is really special, she took very good care of my heart and my mind as well as my body. Just being near another naked body was beyond real. To be honest, I couldn't even climax, (she was so good about this), but I will next time! (I took pains up front to make sure she understood and was ready to help me along.)

Guilt? Maybe it hasn't hit yet, as it wasn't that long ago and I'm still on the thrill. But, no, no guilt. I told myself as I was about to call and cancel 10 times in the last hour: This is a present for yourself, old boy. I feel much more whole in my soul, grateful beyond words to the Lady, and a lot less angry at the world. Why in the hell is this illegal?
MT

-- the fact that my marraige finally ended because I was seeing escorts did not make the pain my wife felt any less, especially when she found out that I had seen one many times - sometimes for weekends.  That in her eyes is love and love for another is what really rips a partner's heart out.

I would be ok with her crashing the explorer, but only if she kicked the bucket, then I could move on with my kids, my wife has lost her mind and with me trying to juggle work and her calls throughout the day for the smallest of things and wondering if she has hurt my daughters just kills me. I only hobby once a quarter and dont get at home, so a bastard I will be until I get laid more often. NO GUILT HERE!!!

I've been married 32 years.  My wife and I haven't had sex in over 13 years or so.  Sex was never that important to my wife, and I convinced myself that it wasn't an issue for me either.  My wife has also had some health issues, which cause her to tire easily.  As the years past I began to consider my celibate lifestyle and decided I didn't want to miss out on the imtimacy between a man and a woman.  

There was a lot of apprehension and guilt as I hesitantly began this hobby.  Although the guilt is gone, apprehension over being discovered still exists.  I'm very careful because I don't want to hurt my wife.  She's a decent person, and her disinterest in sex is no reason to divorce.  I could have been more attentive to her when we were first married.  Perhaps a bond could have been formed then, that might have carried us through the roadblocks we've faced in recent years.  But those things didn't happen.  What I do seems the most pragmatic solution.

I also think about the money I spend.  I hope to spend enough on my wife to assauge my conscience.   Guilt about the sex?  Not anymore.

I do feel guilt. I try to rationalize it, and ultimately I don't think I will stay in this hobby long term.. I am not in a bad marriage. My wife is conservative and unwilling to experiment and try different things. I had the urge to explore my sexuality and this provided a means for doing it. Sort of like putting on glasses for the first time and realizing how much you were not seeing. The real issue is the guilt over the money spent. In some ways I feel like I am stealing...

As well as the dishonesty. But I do live with it, and I don't regret it. I will move on when I am ready...

I am not married but I do have something to ad to this subject. This might almost be another thread entirely.

I am of Latin-American heritage and there are two things I will tell you about my culture and how it differs from the typical Anglo lifestyle.

First of all, divorce is almost unheard of. Its considered more than a personal relationship. Its a foundation; the foundation of family and household. Its central pure and simple. So getting CAUGHT is much less likely to wind you up in a one-bedroom apartment.

Secondly, the existence of providers is much more prevalent and perhaps even tacitly accepted in the culture.

It is a strange reality but no less true.

Also, the one word which I heard more than any other when relating to the matter was: DISCRETION.

An ex-SO of mine (who is also Latin) in the aftermath of our break-up witnessed me go through a painful and embarrassing encounter with a lady. She told me - as a 'Friend' mind you - that if I was going to be going through a wild period in my relations with the opposite sex (as I quite obviously was and I guess still am) that it seemed to her much more logical to simply take it underground and save myself the public flogging. DISCRETION. To her it was better to know that I was saving myself the embarrassment of dating hot but volatile and immature chicks who, frankly, are heartbreaks waiting to happen then it was for me simply to "take care of my business" in a discreet manner. She was simply more able to accept the reality that as a Man I was necessarily just a grwon up Little Boy with uncontrolable desires for the opposite sex. And to have me quietly going to providers was simply less embarrassing for her.

Such is the Mystery of Woman. You explain it to me!

more for hurting her by my confession than the actual hobbying.

I think men that confess to cheating when they are not suspected are ultimately just trying to hurt their SO's.