part 2 (text was over the limit)

So today, I'm sitting here and I think about the accident. All of a sudden it all comes back to me and I parallel it.  When I was in that car on that night, I kept repeating aloud. "My children. God, I have to stay here to protect my children. You cannot take me now. I love my children. I love my children." Had I been willing to let go, maybe I would have died but for whatever reason, God listened. But my parents continually insisting that they would take the kids so I wouldn't have the "burden" felt like the accident, a car running out of control with me desperately trying to hold on to and to protect the people I loved perhaps to my own fault. But when I did it, it worked but the process was painful, with much of the push/pull that existed in that stormy situation, once again a parallel.

When you love people, you will not let go. You will drag yourself through fire with them on your back to get them where you feel they need to be...even if they are telling you, "Let go, we'll be okay." Today, I said to myself, if I let go and let my parents take the kids and move, would that be like me allowing myself to die that day in the car, if that's what God had wanted. What if the powers that be were trying to take me then? But alas, I just didn't listen. There has been so much ebb and flow with everything in my life and that's not all bad. It had kept me anticipatory in spirit and better that, then jaded.

Last night, I told my dad that my parents could take the kids, that I was finally willing to let go and let them live where they wanted to go happily ever after in a retirement paradise with 4 screaming rug rats. God help them. That would mean I would no longer have the baggage I had had for years. Of course, I would contribute financially but my parents wanted to take some of the burden off me. But heck, I never wanted to meet the type of man who accepted me only without my kids. I figured the type of man who I deserved was one who saw my strength in a difficult situation and would fall in love with me because of it and because of my steadfast devotion to the people I care for. I am not one to let go of anything or anyone I value. I go down with a fight, even if it means my own demise.

I am not sure why I am posting this here and I guess because today was the first time I came to reflect on the accident and how I acted during it in the heat of life to death pressure. I hated myself because I had to leave my dad in the rolling car to save myself so that I could remain to protect my children. But I did find him, keep him safe, watched him through the night and took him home to my mom. Perhaps that is why my father in particular, so vehemently wants to take the kids and free me up to live, to give me something I have never had since that night, the willingness to trust that everyone would be okay without me watching over them.  I have kept a firm grasp on my kids and my parents since that night, because I understood how fine the line is between here and gone. Deep attachments are not easy to sever and maybe there is a reason for that. If God had wanted me dead, I wouldn't have agreed and gone willingly. My work was not done and until I felt it was done, I wasn't going to go anywhere. We all want life to go smoothly without much fight, without much pull or pull. I'm sure you even say to yourself from time to time "Why does this situation have to be this way?"  But it does have to be that way. Because life is being in that car seat. You are being asked to choose even though you may not know you have to power to do so.

I just hope this makes sense at 2pm on a Sunday. Thanks for allowing me to share that.

hb