You may want to try using a thinner condom.... like Lifestyles Extra Pleasure or Ultra Thin. Guys that I know who hate condoms say that they are great and I've never had one break.
I'm relatively new here on TER. If this subject has been discussed before, I apologize, and perhaps someone could point me in the right direction. I looked around here a bit and didn't see anything on this topic, so here goes...
I have great difficulty reaching orgasm when I am wearing a condom. This happens both with FS and with BJs....I just don't feel that much with the condom on. This is discouraging because I (obviously!) want to orgasm, but to do so with a provider I have to settle for a HJ or Russian (or a BBBJ if the provider is willing).
So I am wondering if anyone out there in TER-land has had this problem and overcome it. How did you do it? Some things I am thinking of trying are:
-Trying to go a long time (say, a week) without an orgasm before seeing a provider. -Masturbating only with a condom on as "practice". -Taking the amino acid L-Histidine. Although usually used by women who have trouble orgasming, one study apparently showed that it causes some men to ejaculate sooner.
Has anyone tried any of these? Any other suggestions? I would be grateful for any advice.
I asked a man who is a therapist a question about men who had problems maintaining an erection while wearing condoms (which are made from the same latex that surgeons wear while performing delicate operations) and if the problem was real or in their heads. He said to me...
"As a man who is now married who knows what its like to have sex with a condom and without, I can tell you that if a man is having trouble maintaining an erection while wearing a condom, its because in the back of his head there is a little voice saying 'if _I_ have to wear this thing then _WE_ are not going to party.' Its because they resent wearing the condom."
What condom brand are you using?
I am not sure if your problem is with erection or just with orgasming but my suggestion to you is this....go to Condomania.com, look over the graphics and choose the condom that fits your size. You may need to try Pleasure Plus or the Inspiral. You just may need a little more head room to achieve orgasm. Have you tried adding a drop of lube to the inside of the condom before applying to increase sensitivity?
Condomania is a great site. Look through it and I think if you start looking at how fun condoms can be, flavored condoms, ribbed condoms, dotted condoms, different thickness, shapes and sizes, etc...you may find one that works well with you.
My personal preference for average-sized men is the Crown Condom. It is made in Japan and Japan has a thinness regulation for all condom manufacturers which results in a superior condom. Other good average-size condoms are Beyond 7 and Sagami.
If you are on the larger size, then try Inspiral, Maxx or Pleasure Plus.
For lube, I like Eros BodyGlide, WET and Astroglide.
I've been single all my life and as a practice do not have unprotected sex regardless of the situation. However, I do have an occasional day where I lose my erection almost the minute I put the condom on.
I think your advice about finding a good fit and the site you recommended are great. However, I don't agree with your therapist friend that it is all in a man's head. Well, maybe the little one but not the big one unless he is talking frame of mind that day. It has nothing to do with being used to unprotected sex for me!
Unfortunately, there is a huge difference between wearing a condom and not wearing a condom. Friction is a large contributor to the stimulation a man receives during intercourse. While wearing a condom, the sensation of friction is removed entirely, and the only real sensation is pressure.
Albeit, orgasms are best achieved using both friction and pressure, condom use takes 50% of the formula out of the equation, and makes it a less enjoyable experience for the man. Hence, a man that can typically "hold his own" during intercourse and control the timing of the orgasm to a greater degree may actually have a hard time achieving orgasm at all with a condom in place.
Putting a few drops of lube into the condom may help this, but I would caution against using lube within the condom that does not fit tightly. A great many condoms are lost this way due to complete slippage! I would suggest a tighter fitting condom with a more liberal usage of lube, versus a not-to-tightly fitting condom and a couple of drops.
Condomania may have a selection of condoms that promote friction within the condom, also. Try looking for something that targets increased stimulation for the man with beading or ribs on the inside, too.
I could still have successful sex with a condom up until I was in my late 40's. I mastered ejaculatory control and male multiple orgasms both with and without a condom. So I wasn't ignorant as to the various techniques and nuance of the male orgasm.
Now that I'm in my 50's it's a different story. When I wear a condom I can't function at all. I can't feel anything (unless I'm having anal sex), so I have a great deal of difficulty maintaining an erection. I also can't perfom the multiple orgasm techniques any longer because the complete loss of sensation makes it impossible to gauge what's going on. The last time I tried to have sex with a girlfriend wearing a condom, I couldn't even feel her vagina. She got so frustrated, she finally just grabbed my penis and put me inside her- I still couldn't feel her once inside and BTW, I was using the In-Spiral condom at the time (I've tried them ALL).
The result of all this is that I've basically quit the hobby because I couldn't get any satisfaction. I've been trying to find a new GF and get in a committed relationship as a result. So you can believe whatever you want about it being "in your head" but don't make generalizations because you can't speak for others, and either can your therapist friend.
I'm speaking from firsthand experience too because my GF (who taught me the multiple orgasm techniques) was a Ph.D. sex therapist who had also worked as a sex surrogate earlier in her career. She would be the first person to tell you that you can't make blanket statements when it comes to human sexuality and what is normal. Not only are we all different, we're all different AS WE AGE.
As recently as five years ago, I was still a highly skilled sex partner capable of having sex for hours- now I can't even keep it up if I"m having vaginal sex while wearing a condom. It's all very depressing, since my sexual options have become as limited as my satisfaction.
Excuse me, Talisa, but your therapist friend is for sure full of crap, at least about this condom issue. Men complain about how wearing a condom means not being able to feel anything. We do that for a reason. Try to imagine something pleasurable to touch with your hand, then try to imagine touching it with a latex glove on. That's what we're asking our dicks to do when we stick them inside a condom.
I can still maintain wood and perform with a condom in place, but the experience sure is different. Sometimes you really can't even feel whether it's in or not, unless you're doing slow and shallow strokes. Recently, while nearing climax doing long strokes from below in cowgirl position..., uh..., a friend of mine said he popped out without realizing it and came, grinding his covered weenie between his belly and hers. Went to pull out, only to find that he already WAS out. Imagine how THAT felt...
He isn't the first person to tell me that its a resentment issue and not a decrease insensitivity issue.
Years ago I was becoming romantically involved with a male who absolutely would not wear a condom. He wouldn't even try. I wouldn't have sex without one and with him it was for very good reason, believe me. I discussed this with a physcian and the doctor told me that surgeons perform delicate surgeries wearing latex gloves, gloves which are made of the very same material as condoms. Those doctors have to be able to feel and maintain sensitivity to touch. The doctor completely poo-poo'd my would-be lover's objections.
Since I don't have a penis, I cannot speak for myself. I have asked men and these are the answers given to me by a therapist and an M.D. I just brought them up here as it could POSSIBLY what is behind his problems. Maybe there are different reasons for you than him so let's keep an open mind about all the different possibilities. He could also have diabetes and that could be the cause. Let's keep this up!
I think the "resentment" issue could very well hold true for a lot of men. It makes sense. Certainly something to explore.
As for surgeons still being able to adequately feel with their fingers while wearing gloves, I would counter that surgery isn't supposed to be a sensual experience for them either.
I am not arguing nor I am necessarily agreeing with the remarks spoken to me. I really do appreciate your input (I won't ever know what if feels like to wear a condom) I shared these remarks so we could discuss and bring opposing points of view to the table. In fact, I used to detect a real lack of empathy from some health care providers over this problem. Perhaps its because condoms are a necessity and there is no excuse for not using them.
If a woman can learn to have an orgasm in the first place, I think a man can learn to have an orgasm while wearing a condom but it may take some effort. That doesn't mean I don't empathize with his predicament but its not going to cause me to risk my health either, NOT that he implies he wants providers to...just a point.
Here is a question because I don't know what its like for a man and I really want to know...isn't the orgasm related to sensitivity while sensuality occurs in the mind and not on the cock?
Since everyone knows we men think with our cocks, I guess you could say it all happens in the same place...
Seriously now. Good question, T! OK, here's my take on it. Sure, there's a mental and a physical component to sex. A condom directly interferes with the physical aspect, but it doesn't negate it completely. That's why we grumble, but still use them. The mental aspect may be affected indirectly as well, but not that I've noticed personally.
The drawbacks of wearing a condom are not bad enough to abandon them, or to give up sex in favor of masturbation, but they are definitely some of life's little irritations.
To use another metaphor, imagine sitting down to a gourmet meal in the best restaurant, with a breathtaking view of the city. Your date is very attractive and good company. As they serve the courses, you smell every aroma and savor the texture of every morsel. You were starving when you started, but by the end of the meal your stomach feels very satisfied, and the view and conversation leave you in a relaxed and happy state. Then you peel the latex off your tongue and wish you'd been able to taste something.
I've had the same problem. My problem seemed to be correlated with a decline in my testosterone level over the years. You may want to have your testosterone level checked. If it's low, replacement therapy (i.e. injections) may help.
I've been looking into testosterone replacement therapy, and I would like to hear more about your experiences. E.g. do you use injection, gel, or patch? What differences did you notice after you started using it? Any side effects?
I tried these for a while, helped a bit, then I found out from a specialist that they can seriously affect the prostate, and may cause the PSA levels to rise (read: prostate cancer) I therefore stopped the injecctons, and at times partake in using Viagra, and Yohimbe extract
I tried these for a while, helped a bit, then I found out from a specialist that they can seriously affect the prostate, and may cause the PSA levels to rise (read: prostate cancer) I therefore stopped the injecctons, and at times partake in using Viagra, and Yohimbe extract
So...do you think there is something going on the back of your head? Why the sudden change? Sounds mental to me...
Generalizations apply to the general group. Of course there are always room for exceptions. The male friend of mine is a Ph.D. and a very down-to-earth person. He told me that most erectile problems have been found to be mental and not physical. Mid-Life depression can be one of the triggers. Could this apply to your situation? I cannot figure out why the sudden change and your in the mid-life depression age-group I think. Thanks for your thoughtful post and for contributing to the thread.
The things you're suggesting apply to people who have erectile dysfunction- I can still get great erections. I can also keep them for a long period of time when I can feel something- like with a BBJ or HJ. The problem is maintaining an erection or orgasming with a condom and vaginal sex.
And it's not in my head- as I indicated, I was able to use condoms with various partners for many years. But as I aged, I lost enough sensitivity in my penis that I eventually reached the threshold whereby when I was wearing a condom there was no longer enough sensory stimulation getting through to function properly. It was a gradual thing starting in my late 40's, and unrelated to any change in partners or some other traumatic circumstance.
And BTW, my sex therapist friend specialized in treating erectile dysfunctiion in hundreds of male clients, so I'm very familiar with all the possible causes and treatments- and I'm aware that many of them have psychological roots. This isn't one of those situations because I have no trouble getting erections, and I had (past tense) no trouble having orgasms with condoms in the either. The change wasn't sudden, rather it was related to changes in sensitivity of the penis over time. The things you are suggesting as possible causes/cures are if you can't get an erection, then there are all sorts of therapies you can explore to make up for declining hormones etc. That's not the issue here.
Yes I can see a big difference in the what I was talking about and what you are talking about. In my situation, a man was complaining about not wanting to wear one in the first place.
Is a decrease in sensitivity inevitable for most men as they age?
of sensitivity. But, as in most other aspects of aging, human sexuality, and life in general, there's a very wide range of what's considered "normal.
It's actually not always just age either, sometimes activities can have the same result. For example, bicyclists sometimes have problems from hundreds of hours riding and having their shorts rubbing as they pedal (don't laugh). This is a different condition than the nerve damage caused by bicycle seats that you may have read about.
Motorcyclists can have the same thing happen from the vibrations from the seat or fuel tank. Wearing protective leathers and the continuous rubbing caused by the stiffness of the material can have a similar desensitizing effect over time. I've experienced both of these situations and have suspected they played a role in my current conditon. But there are many things that can affect a man's sensitivity, and it's more common than you might think. I think this is one area where uncircumcised men have an advantage.
I would agree that some of it is mental some of it is not. Having experienced both no question which is more pleasurable. I wonder if that is true from the provider standpoint.
Can you say if an uncovered FS is more pleasurable then a covered one? In either case it is irrelevant. Until STD's particularly the ones that kill are wiped out they are not going away...
My solution was to see providers willing to give BBBJ's.
A provider could not PAY me to have intercourse with her bareback. I'm not foolish enough to risk getting an STD. So I'd hardly say that on those occasions when I've had difficulty maintaining an erection it was due to "resentment" at having to wear a condom. Upon reaching my 40's I discovered that the penis no longer functions quite as well as it did in my youth. Nevertheless, condoms can't take sole blame for my sexual inadequacies in the hobby. On those occasions where I had problems keeping an erection, I'd say it was partly due to the desensitizing effects of the condom, and partly due to my difficulty maintaining a willing suspension of disbelief that the provider was actually enjoying herself. Some things that make my penis go limp during a session: overacting, or just going through the motions, or leaving the TV on. No matter how incredibly hot a provider might be, if her attitude is poor it's difficult to get aroused. I have simple needs: natural breasts (or breasts that feel natural), DFK and a few soft moans and caresses are enough to make me happy. Also, if she's incredibly hot and skilled, the excitement of being with someone new usually causes me to climax fairly quickly. I'm not sure if that makes me a good client or a bad client. But I definitely do NOT resent wearing a condom. I resent only poor service.
No one inferred you personally harbored any resentment towards wearing a condom.
But I think we can agree that out of all the millions and millions of men out there that some must resent wearing one. I have known men in my life who did resent it and made it known.
Hey Staff...this would make a good Poll question....
a provider suggested that they were too snug thus reducing my penis sensitivity, making orgasm more difficult, etc. Moved up to Durex, same as most of the girls carry, and have been happy ever after. I buy all my condoms through Condomania, they have a great selection. The oddball condoms with side bubbles and related supposedly enhancing features are more distracting than satisfying.
You may want to try using a thinner condom.... like Lifestyles Extra Pleasure or Ultra Thin. Guys that I know who hate condoms say that they are great and I've never had one break.
i had a provider put a squirt of lube inside the condom before donning it. helped to increase the sensations, not so much through the condom, but from the condom.
The later replies are on the right track, according to my personal research. Choosing the right condom, and using it correctly, can make a big difference. If it's too tight, the feeling is less intense because the latex is bound to the skin. On the shaft, this is less of a problem, because the skin and condom move in the same direction, up and down. On the head, however, the (circumsized) head skin doesn't really move -- it just wants to be caressed, and here the tight latex acts like insulation. The solution is to use a condom that has a loose head (so the latex transmit the caressing to the skin), and a shaft tight enough to stay on (not everyone needs a Magnum!). Too that I've used with clients to great success are the Lifestyles Xtra Pleasure, and Inspirals.
The second trick, not always necessary, is to put a drop of lube on the head of the penis before putting the condom on. It increases the transmission of sensation, but can turn some clients off, and it's not always necessary.
Since I started using this approach, I've had more highly satisfied clients. Let me know if it works for you!
I think it's perfectly normal (and not a sign of "we're not going to get to party" type poutiness) for a man who's been in a committed relationship (ie: minus condoms), to have trouble when he starts wearing them again. Or, for that matter, anyone who is inexperienced with condoms, to have a little difficulty with them at first.
I really think that practice DOES make perfect in sex as in any other thing! (Altho I always believe there's room for improvement... I'm constantly learning!) Masturbating with a condom on is a great idea! Finding condoms you LIKE is another idea, and there are some great condom sampler packages out there (condom.com, even!) to try lots of different types without spending too much. Lube inside the condom is also important and makes the condoms feel lots better methinks.
I hafta say here that I do not think disliking condoms is in guys heads or anything like that. I don't like them either. Unfortunately they are a fact of life in the year 2003. You'd think with all the incredible technology we have that we'd have found a better way by now... but nope... and for now, this is what we have to work with... so we each have to do what we can to make the most of it!
I wish you the best of luck in trying this out BTW, I have no idea what that amino acid does, but you may want to just run that by your doctor before you try it. And for heavens sakes, if you have trouble orgasming, PLEASE do not take viagra ===:O EEEEEEEEEEEEKS!
Are you on any medications as certain meds, especially blood pressure meds can cause loss of erectile function. (oh gosh darn I am generalizing about blood pressure meds and I just know a drug salesmen will admonish me for generalizing about blood pressure meds...tee hee)
Are you accustomed to having unprotected sex and are using condoms a new or unusual experience for you, lately?
I have noticed a few clients of mine, married men used to having unprotected sex for 20+ years, lost their erections when the condom was applied. And a couple have tried to convince me to have unprotected intercourse with them. (of course I refused)
Another client of mine tried to slip on one of his own lambskin condom claiming the "sensitivity" was better, but since they don't protect against disease, I declined and insisted on latex.
Anyone care to comment on lambskin vs latex as far as sensitivity?
From what I understand lambskin allows more sensitivity than latex. I can't say I've experimented with lambskin, so I guess in a way that's heresay. The thing about lambskin, however, is that it supposedly protects well against pregnancy but offers minimal protection against certain STDs. That undoubtedly is a major reason that latex & polyurethane have become the condoms of choice.
I found lambskin "fit" can vary a bit even in the same package, after all, it's a natural product. So sometimes it's a little big, others maybe a little snug. Also, it's not as stretchy as latex, so it can sometimes pull on the head of the penis, again subject to the fit.
The lambskin membrane, like all natural membranes is porus. Our little sperms swimming around are quite a bit larger than the microscopic openings in the membrane and can't get through. Unfortunately, however, a virus is much smaller and can pass through the membrane to some degree. For this reason, as you said, lambskin is only suitable to avoid pregnancy and also isn't recommended for anal sex.
When I started using condoms, I never really even felt like I was having sex. It felt odd, like a head trip.
I constantly run into clients who can't cum with a condom on. So i hope that at least you don't feel like an oddity.
Secondly, I've dated men who were used to masturbating, so having sex, let alone having sex with a condom was an adjustment. They had to finish the way they were used to, i.e., masturbation. Now you mentioned an option...but if you don't have sex for a week, then maybe youll be concerned about cumming too quickly when with a lady.
Please do experiment with different condom fits and densities. And appropriate amount of lubes.
And do remember that a good provider will not judge you, but work with you on finding your way to ecstasy under these constraints (condoms).
A big thank you to everyone who offered advice. I am especially touched that some providers gave me their thoughts...you must be very special ladies and I would like to meet each one of you....maybe I will some day.
OK, so I now have lots of things I want to try. I will report back here if I make any progress.
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