Can't add much to what sweetsable and johndoe have already expressed so well. The bottom line is that no one can make you happy but you. Being with someone should make you feel good. If you feel better when that person is not around then they are definitely a problem.
Do whatever it takes to make you happy. If you want more time with your children and more personal freedom, then do it. If he hinders you from enjoying life then leave. Seems cold but a little heartbreak is better than misery for all concerned. If you stay you will eventually get discussed and leave anyway. What will you have lost along the way?
This is going to sound like a Zorro post but it's what I'm feeling here and now so here goes nothing. My daddys and the guys that I used to see for a few hours a month treat me better than my fiance. Now, don't get me wrong, fiance is a great guy but I suspected he might be too immature to deal with some factors in our relationship, notably, my children. In fact, he's done everything in his power to keep me all to himself and distance me from them and this is not at all how I envisioned our relationship would turn out. So I moved to LV. He moves for a job. I move to decrease my expenses. What happens? He tries to control my every move, sets me up in the apartment like a prisoner and if I'm not home when he gets home, he goes off on me, not with violence but with attitude. It gets worse....we used to have sex like daily or at least 3-5 times a week. Now we have sex maybe once in a 2-3 week period. That just isn't enough, at least not for me. Heck, we aren't even married yet.
Today, I spent the entire day with my kids, something I haven't done in a long time. Fiance was out of town for the weekend because his mom had surgery. I thought it would be very hard to be away from him but all it did was make me wish I lived back in LA again and had my own place with my kids and then my separate place for male friends/fun and office work.
I listen to married guys gripe about how their wives don't give it up, how their wives put cuffs on them and how the situation is the opposite of freeing. Over the last couple years I became very independent and I didn't realize how much I would miss the lifestyle of travel and meeting new people.
I raised my rates so that I could see a certain level of clientele and that is something I have enjoyed. My plan worked. I started to see fewer and more high net worth individuals. I got what I wanted? An engagement ring. Fiance doesn't support me. Doesn't support my kids. He isn't a high wage earner. He pays his own bills and I pay mine and I don't have issue with that but I can tell he's not thrilled with what I do for a living. But there's nothing he can do to change it because he doesn't make much. Not really fair to tell me what I should or shouldn't do when he can't assist.
So all that said (I hope I'm not boring you or that you see me as bitching) but what I really want to do is leave him, move back to LA, lower my rates a tad and see MORE men. I do love him and obviously, I don't think one should marry for money but he places bars on my doors and I'm feeling like a prisoner. I yearn for the lifestyle I had and to be with my children more. I am a workaholic in terms of writing and the new film business so I find I'm happiest when I'm working. The sessions gave me release and were wonderful social activities that filled my holes so to speak. I met a lot of wonderful men that were very kind and sweet. Some say that when you spend so much time with someone that things go downhill and that may be right. A provider/client relationship is somewhat superficial as you share a heightened experience (catching up, being excited at meeting someone new and all the things that come along with that)and you don't get into too many nuts and bolts that would cause stress. The fact is, it isn't real. But I'm not sure I want real.
Can't I just be a free bird with a few sparrows in one nest and horny men in the other? Am I being selfish? Is it too late to change things? Should I give it more time? Am I not appreciating what is infront of me? Will I be doing something I may regret?
Will I meet someone who better melds with my wants, goals and desires...someone who will love my kids and want me to be with them?
I think I now have the mentality of a guy. I want love but I don't want the work. My kids and my writing take work. A relationship should be fun.
Any advice, feedback, feelings appreciated.
Love,
HB
HB,
What a dilemma!!! You definitely have reached a crossroads. You say that your fiance is controlling and "goes off" on you if you are not home when he returns. You are describing classic symptoms of insecurity. What do you mean by him "going off?" Though you say he is not violent, a husband-to-be having a verbal tirade in the presence of your children is not healthy for all concerned.
I cannot say I know you. What little I do know about you, I cannot fathom a highly creative and expressive woman like yourself involved in a oppressive relationship. Though relationships require sacrifice, you should not feel as you are being smothered or confined. Relationships should provide a supportive and nurturing environment allowing each individual to pursue goals and develop as a person while simultaneously growing as a couple.
Most telling is the fact that you state the following: "I want love but I don't want the work. My kids and my writing take work. A relationship should be fun."
Yes, a relationship should be fun, but it requires tremendous effort to yield the pleasure. No relationship can survive, nonetheless thrive, on autopilot.
Before arriving at a conclusion, I suggest you have a serious heart-to-heart discussion with your fiance expressing all of the feelings you have vented in this post. See what transpires from the conversation.
We can always wonder if there is there is a more suitable and desirable prospective partner somewhere. Remember, even if this magical person exists, a relationship still requires tremendous work.
I wish the best for you contemplating your dilemma.
I've never been married or engaged (proposed to 9 times, but never married) and I dont have children (my choice) so I cant speak with any experience about those subjects. I have been "in the business" for two years and I have a "lover", so I know how hard it is to have a personal life and personal relationships.
You said you thought of leaving but you didnt say "why" you havent left yet.
Perhaps you should "ASK YOURSELF" some questions (no real need to post the answers here).
1. "Why" havent you left yet?
2. What did you do to deserve to be yelled at? What could ANYONE do to deserve to be yelled at? He's yelling just because you're not home before him?...I'd hate to see how he acts if something SERIOUS happens.
3. Why do you think the amount of sex has gone down? Is he punishing you for something? Has he lost interest? Is he seeing someone else?
4. Are you happy? You dont seem happy. Iyanla Vanzant says: "If you want to see how a relationship is going to end look at how it begins." If it's this bad NOW...how can you expect it to be better later?
5. Like you said, your are not even married to him yet and he's already separating you from your kids? "That's not cool"
"YOU" are all your kids have. Too many women put their "Man" before their kids...and let me go back to my original point which is "YOUR'RE NOT EVEN HAPPY!" so why put him before your kids?
Okay so let me see if I understand:
A. You are paying your own bills (he's not supporting you so you can leave whenever you want to) and you feel like a prisoner in your own home.
B. He's treating you badly already and you're not even married yet (which means theres nowhere to go but down...how much more badly can he treat you? You're NOT married yet so you can give him back the ring and leave whenever you want to)
C. He trying to keep you from your kids already. Your kids are going to be in your life for the rest of your life. You support them so you really dont need a husband (which means you can be a single mom "LIKE YOU ARE NOW" and be perfectly fine without him)
D. All of this is interfering with your writing career.
...So what's your problem? ;0)"wink"
Who says you "HAVE" to be married? Girl, "If Mama Aint Happy, Then Nobody's Happy"! LOL! :0)~
What I've learned:
I spent more years of my life than I'd care to admit worrying about what other people thought, and trying to fit into the boxes and holes other people tried to put me into. I've realized that I'm not "normal", I've never been "normal" and I'll never be "normal". "I" dont want what other people want...and that is okay.
When I first got into this business I tried to date...it did NOT work out at all. I understood why, it is hard to ask someone to accept my chosen profession.
I'm VERY lucky. I am dating a "WONDERFUL" guy right now who knows what I do and does not judge me. He's older than me (45 years old), and a FANTASTIC Lover and Friend. Our relationship does not follow the traditional routes society has set up and we like it that way. We dont judge eachother, we dont try to control eachother, we are completely honest with eachother (Our motto is: Tell the truth and duck) and we love eachother as unconditionally as two "human beings" can. I spent too many years being what other people wanted me to be and doing what other people wanted me to do, I'm so much happier now that I'm doing what "I" want to do.
Girlfriend, life is "WAY" too short to be unhappy. It doesnt sound like there are any benefits to being with him...and you're not even happy (he's not even f*cking you on a regular basis - lack of sex is the main reason to kick his ass to the curb! I tell ya! lol).
You dont have to tell us the truth, but at least tell yourself the truth...you'll probably be much happier if you do. Nothing is set in stone. Cant you still see him if you're not engaged?
You asked: is it too late to change things, are you being selfish, are you doing something you may regret...Only you can answer the questions. IMHO the REAL question is: Are you happy?
my 02. cents
sable
Can't add much to what sweetsable and johndoe have already expressed so well. The bottom line is that no one can make you happy but you. Being with someone should make you feel good. If you feel better when that person is not around then they are definitely a problem.
Do whatever it takes to make you happy. If you want more time with your children and more personal freedom, then do it. If he hinders you from enjoying life then leave. Seems cold but a little heartbreak is better than misery for all concerned. If you stay you will eventually get discussed and leave anyway. What will you have lost along the way?
Hi Heather,
We have a coupe of things in common. Being an independent spirit and being a single parent.
I give it to you trying a relationship being in this biz and having children.
Both are challenges for a male counterpart. My children are beautiful and I am so proud of them... I am also proud to be in this biz... but there are some people that don't understand. When I read your post personally I just couldn't get past the part of him not getting along with your kids or not wanting to spend time with them. That is a big flag... for me I would pack up my kids and bags and move back to the place (you) I love (CA... that is also my love and where I love to be!)
I have a best friend and it is a guy... he loves to spend time with my kids. They are apart of me.... if my friends, lovers or boyfriends don't understand that then they are history. The kids come first. It doesn't mean that other people can't be in your life but they have to understand that there are some short people that can be a lot of fun are apart of your life too.
Good luck and I hope you work this out.
XXXOOO Ashley
The other is the support... you have some other things that you find important and he is of no support of anything that is important to you.
You haven't married him yet... if you can't work things out with him then maybe it is time to say quits and get back to the things that are important to you.
This cituation will only get worse, get out of it now..It's already on a downhill slide..
Save yourself and your kids alot of pain.. Do it now..
Heather, what are the positives on the guy, it looks to me that he offers nothing to you and most importantly your kids. If you marry him you are nuts
Be a free bird with a few sparrows in one nest and horny men in the other? And no you are not being selfish? Re: Is it too late to change things? No it's not. Learn to appreciate what is infront of you? Do not consider anything you may regret later.
Life is not promise in any shape or form. Take advantage of it while you can.
As far as your boyfriend....Girl you should wake up and don't let anyone control you. You and you only should control what you do. I had someone tried to control me and almost had my ass put in jail from protecting my self behind him. I had to pay him off with my money in my saving to keep me out of trouble when he is the one should've paid me for hurting me. Get out while you can, He will destroy you mentally....Don't let that happen. It is nothing that piss me off then a controlling man especially if he's not footing any of the bills....
He sounds pretty controlloing to me. That sort of marriage doesn't usually work well when wifey thinks in advance she will be content staying home. So think before you commit further.