A few responses...

Well, he is a quiet sort so throwing fits isn't him. He's more into the silent treatment. He doesn't express discontent in front of my kids. He hardly ever sees them. He has his place. We do not bring them there. He likes quiet. They are not quiet. They are cute but beasts the same.

It's not easy bringing different lives together. I'm very me. I don't blur my faces and take on 10 identities. I'm no Gwen Stefani but the last 2 years have been a madhouse. There was a time when my phone was ringing off the hook all day, all night and the travel and web work was quite grueling. He stuck with me through all that as a friend and was so helpful and supportive of my goals and my dreams and we both helped each other through some situations.

In the end, I hope we remain friends. He may grow to love my children. He said that he fears losing me by sharing me and I tell him that my children need to know their mom loves them but mom needs to be fed emotionally too and being a parent is no small feat. I would definitely say that my relationships with my clients fill many of my needs emotional and other that fiance or maybe any boyfriend can't meet. Married guys see providers to have needs met. It's really no different for us. I could see myself married and still being in the biz just because hubby doesn't enjoy certain activities and because he's a homebody and I'm a social butterfly. I don't like sitting home unless I'm writing and I can't be writing all the time. I like to go out to dinner and to theater and movies and exploring new cities. He likes to stay home.

I love seeing friends and he really doesn't have issue with it. In fact, he has more issue at times with legit pursuits because they are MORE demanding. Seeing friends takes me away for a few hours or a night. Film related business meetings and phone calls and client work are all consuming. How does a spouse learn to cope with workaholism? How do workaholics find time to play? Is workaholism an addiction or does it mean you hate your boyfriend? Very odd questions for a Sunday night. Damn!!

Maybe I should just drive to LA and just get someone to lay a big thick...deli sub...on me. That should solve all my issues.

HB

Heather - You love your kids - how wonderful - some Moms don't! you do - this guy wants nothing to do with them. Read my lips - yeah it might be blunt - this guy is NOT for you. He may have helped & supported you in the last 2 years - but your kids come with you - he needs to realize that - he needs to find someone who has no kids! Remain friends if that's possible - but get out. There are better guys out there. Who may love your kids as you do. Advice from pluver (Mr. Fedex) My 3 cents.

ABOUT ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISIONS OF YOUR LIFE, THEN DON'T DO IT!!!!!!! We are anonymous nothings (to you) with our own axes to grind, some of us are psychotic (yeah, but you're wise too boss), and we are hobbiests (not exactly a strong recommendation for love counselors). You think we have the answers? Geez, you know the answer already, but like most people, you are not willing to be honest with yourself. If I weren't a man of the cloth, I would rescue you myself.

Heather -

Stop for a moment and re-read your two posts. The answer on what you should actually do is right in front of you.

As the ad people at nike say - JUST DO IT...

Mr. Dutch Uncle - the Icewiz

There is nothing more important than those that are yours.
No offense, but this guy knew about them and in order to be with you, he has to take care of them. YOU ARE A PACKAGE DEAL, no ifs, ands, or buts.
Speaking as a child product of divorce and second marriages way before it was popular, my mom proably kicked her fair share of guys to the curb because of me. The thought of parting with me just so she could get on with her life never, ever crossed her mind. When she remarried, she remarried a man that accepted both me and her, not just her.
Your situation requires a unique and special person and it just isn't him. Good luck.

I decided to lay it all on the line. I told him over a nice dinner out (with a 1 hour wait for shrimp and filet mignon) that I didn't think he could handle the kids, that I love my work and that I want to sleep in the same house as my children when I'm in the state. God knows, I travel enough. The response on the other end was different than expected. Actually, I expected a look of fear and a desire to cling like wrap or run. Instead he said...

I've come a long way in moving to LV far from my family, getting my first job and making a new life. I will do whatever it takes. Children are loud but that's normal, children are children. I'm ready to bring the two houses together. I am prepared to do whatever it takes. Just tell me what you need me to do?

So when I can save enough, I guess I figure out the next step. The blending of lives. My workaholism isn't going to change and erotica, well, no one man is going to be able to want it as often as I do and as wild as I do. I don't think it's possible. Nicole? Ashley? Felicia?

So in conclusion, I've decided to be in LA about 2-3 days a week. The rest of the days, I'll be sleeping with my babies. I will continue to take things one day at a time. I'm not ready to get remarried just yet. I really want to see how he hits it off with my parents. If my dad doesn't scare him away no one will. My dad can talk for-ev-er.

Anyway, I appreciate all your protectiveness and advice. No relationship is easy and if he's willing to do the work, I will hang in there and see what happens.

I need a vacation...and some serious inches.

HB

Heather, you know I am here for you. And by the looks of it WE (the community) are here for you. Listen to yourself (how many times are  you going to hear that one?)  I may not have the answers you seek, but you know that you will never suffer recrimination from myself, Nosc, or Ashley, nor any of the many other providers (who choose to remain nameless).

I am certain you are echoing someone else's story at this very moment.

Please private email or call me if you care to talk to another woman personally.  Or we can visit, as before.  I just cannot get into this on the boards at this time.

Whatever else happens, I hope that you can see that you have support.

My new email addy:
[email protected]

many warm hugs to you ...

ff







-- Modified on 2/26/2002 4:09:57 AM

Heather; read between the lines, this guy has a problem with your profession, and until your ready to leave it you'll have a problem with him..And he may never forget what you do, and bring it up time after time later on in life..

What he told you over dinner is what you wanted to hear, what he promised won't last..

ReAMN, how many times must I say this: IF YOU HAVE TO ASK US FOR ADVICE

Purelust, I think your wrong.(And I don't say this in a rude way) This is the best place for her to ask for advice. You gentleman are in this hobby and know from first hand. Most of you are married and are in relationships and can look at this on both sides. Some of you have had relationships with Providers and can give the advice that she is looking for. I would take advice from a number of you hobbiestts and I have and it was some of the best advice I have received.  

IMHO,

RED

Heather,

What I have to say does not markedly differ than what has already been expressed by previous posts. I want to add that words are fine--they provide us temporary comfort and hope. The truth of the matter is they are meaningless unless behavior parallells the sentiment. You need to see action as opposed to words. I again wish you the best in arriving at a resolution and volunteer my insight via private e-mail if you like.

I can only hope that he was not saying what he knows you want to hear.
Blending of families is always hard. If they were his kids I would give you the advice my mom followed, "I cannot replace their mother but I can be their freind". The path of a father is lot more tricky because he is the last word and filled with potholes. Good luck....

Read "helped & supported you in the last 2 years"....free pussy for the last 2 years so he could make "loans" to other providers.  Not a bad deal.  Where do I sign up?

The tough part of this is that their real dad is leaving the state to make a new life for himself and he does not plan to come back. Once he saw the engagement ring and the final divorce decree, he said "I'm gone." despite the fact that I have supported him emotionally and financially for 2 years (something my dad says was a big mistake because it make it easy for him to become lazy and just kick back and do nothing). I put my foot down 4 months ago and said "It is time for you to get a job. I can't handle it all on my own." So he went out and got a job and for the last 4 months, hasn't contributed a penny towards them either to me or to my parents who care for the kids when I work. Not a single cent. Not even a bag of diapers. And as far as his expenses go. I pay everything. I am a stupid woman.

I guess he suspected I would continue supporting him forever but when I filed the final custody agreement solidifying the divorce, he told me he was leaving for good. The children are very hurt by this. I sweated my ass off over the past couple years with the hope he'd get motivated and do the right thing, get a job, work to support them and stay nearby to love them.

My hat goes off to all the dads out there that actually love their kids and go to work every day to take care of business. Some of we women would kill for a guy like that who is responsible and who puts priorities where priorities are due. I found that man in myself. The only thing I am missing is a dick and a flat ass.

HB

You, Ms. Heather, are good people. Period. End of story.

If there were more people like you around, there would be one helluva lot less misery in this world.

Heather it is very brave of you to post this on a public board.  My personal opinion is that men sometimes propose to make you or themselves feel good.  They do not necesarily mean it.  I have always believed that men who want to propose and have you become exclusive, who cannot sustain you financially, are not trully in love with you.

If he is in love with you and wants to marry you, then you are perfect exactly how you are now.  If he wants you to stop escorting, then he needs to be able to take care of you.  He cannot have it both ways.  If a man wants to punish you for who you are and he knows you cannot change, then he is being cruel and he is not really in love with you.  He is pretending to be in love so he can keep you around for free easy sex.  He is denying you of intimacy because of a fake reason--> your job.  If he loved you he would just love you despite his own logic.

I understand how you feel exactly about the difficulty of the situation.  I guarantee that every provider on this board has gone through the same thing in one form or another.

 I believe that a true fiance is either financially capable of supporting you, or he is willing to completely accept you and your job.  It is either one or the other, but he cannot fight against you for who you are and what you like to do.

Many men will reject you, but there will be many who like you just as Heather: the wild escort with big dreams, hard work, and a big heart.  Carry on and try to keep yourself in good spirits!

Heather,
You have a difficult time ahead. Like I said before, the blending of two families is going to be difficult but you will get through it. Your relationship with your ex is going to become something that you will have to deal with through your kids. They will ask questions that will be hard for you and the ex will always be around in some form or another.
Speaking as a child of divorce, I always thought that my parents would get back together. My father was a nice enough guy but, as I got older, I discovered he was not only not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was totally incompatible with my mother, who like you, was extremely motivated and very intelligent.
I would strongly advise that you not get involved with anyone for a while. Jumping from the pan and into to the fire is not prudent or wise move. (I am assuming that this recent news.)
But your ex is a moron for not helping. He will forever regret this because whether he likes it or not, his children will eventually figure out that the man that takes care of them, the man that provides for him and the man that takes time to be with them will be their father and it is not him.
and sometimes that man might just be a woman, their mother.

"It is either one or the other"

Sandra I believe it MUST be both. Acceptance of who a person is unconditionally and be willing and able to support them in every way is love. Pretenders are scum.

Anything less leads to buying into the short ugly assh*le's line while he takes everything you've got including your dignity and self respect. A man in love will do anything it takes to reassure you when you need it, demonstrate his confidence in you when you earn it and support you in every aspect of your life. As you shall do for him, if you love him. Jealousy, envy and petty greed do not belong in any healthy relationship. If you feel that you are giving more than you are getting, it's time to look elsewhere. The falsehood that you might end up with someone worse is bs. Go for the brass ring (okay... diamonds in this case) cause its worth it.

It's what I believe anyway...