Regardless of any connection, I only initiate a phone call to a client when it's necessary and business related. I'm really not one to chit-chat, although I suppose I may give that impression; I talk easily in person. My head is where I am at any given moment, and I'm not a big "phone" person, I guess. LOL Maybe it's a fault, but I always take information that is given to me at face value on the first assumption that it is honest and correct, and don't risk misinterpretation by trying to read between the lines.
I'm with you; say what you mean, and mean what you say! LOL
BJ, Palm Beach, Florida
[email protected]
Are there any reasons why clients would hide the fact that they are married or living with a woman, and say they are single instead?
I'm just curious, really.... It really makes absolutely no difference to me, but I recently met a new client that I suspect is married or living with someone, but he tells me he's single.
He emailed me initially from his work address, and I asked him to establish an anonymous email account so that our conversations were not going through his servers at work. He did establish an anonymous account, but I've noticed he's only emailed me from his office; never from home in the evenings, when I would think he would do the majority of his correspondence. The only reason I can think this could be is due to "someone else" at his home.
Any thoughts?
BJ, Palm Beach, Florida
[email protected]
Your inference is certainly reasonable and most likely correct, although I suppose there are other possibilities. The only rational explanation that occurs to me is that he's just super cautious and figures that the less a provider knows about him the better.
Of course if it's irrational, then only his therapist knows for sure.
You say it doesn't make any difference to you, yet you still ask the question. Just take for face value that he has his reasons and let it go at that.
...he's given me his cell phone number, and writes, "...call at any time day or night." Now that I'm wondering if he has a S.O., I don't want to call him -- at any time. (This was somewhat spurred by the earlier post where a client stated a provider called him while driving in his car with his family.) I do know he has very flexible working hours, and I don't want to take the chance of calling him "at any time," night or day, supposing that I might get him in the presence of another.
Aside from the situation with this specific client -- my question was geared more toward the general population of hobbyists. I really *don't* mind if this particular client has a S.O. or not; I won't be calling him regardless, unless it were an emergency where I could not make a soon-appointed time, or I will be late to an appointment with him (lots of construction in the area), and I am more than likely sure to call him when he is alone.
However, I am *just curious* to know if any hobbyists choose not to disclose the real answer, and why.
BJ, Palm Beach, Florida
[email protected]
Ya know, it could be that he's just afraid of getting too close as well. I'm in a unique situation, so when I say 'call any time, day or night' I mean it. He may just be in the same type of situation that I am in and it's just too painful for him to talk about with you.
I don't know how many times you have seen him, or if there is a connection between the two of you that goes beyond the business relationship, but I'd take him at his word.
A word of advice to the gentlemen, don't tell a lady she can call if you don't really mean it. Too me, giving your phone number and permission to use it is in a sense saying that your ready for this to be something other than a professional relationship.
Regardless of any connection, I only initiate a phone call to a client when it's necessary and business related. I'm really not one to chit-chat, although I suppose I may give that impression; I talk easily in person. My head is where I am at any given moment, and I'm not a big "phone" person, I guess. LOL Maybe it's a fault, but I always take information that is given to me at face value on the first assumption that it is honest and correct, and don't risk misinterpretation by trying to read between the lines.
I'm with you; say what you mean, and mean what you say! LOL
BJ, Palm Beach, Florida
[email protected]
Not only do I not hide it from any of the ladies I see, but I don't hide anything from the wife at home either.
She knows I go out and I've been honest with her from the beginning. It's been that way for 4 years now. She has never really been fond of sex and there are issues where she would not be able to support herself if we got divorced. Oh, we talked about it, but I'm not interested in ever getting married again so we have a living arrangement that suits us both, at least for now.
I have been very lucky in finding a particular lady 'in the hobby' that I enjoy spending time with and she has become the woman in my life that I share things with that I can not share with the woman at home. She has become a true friend and I am thankful everyday for her.
So, I hide nothing, and I don't feel the guilt or anxiety that I think other married gentleman in the hobby feel.
...with an arrangement like that. It's so much cheaper to keep her. I'm finding that out the hard way since I filed for divorce.
I prefer to tell the girl I'm married, because #1 they prefer married men, #2 I'm a father - most girls like married men because they realize there will be minimal complications. Hiding it is ridiculous, because they don't have the time nor inclination to nose into your life. I realize saying I'm married is not totally forthcoming, but it's not like this is a relationship that depends deep revelations. The only time to hide it might be if you saw someone a lot, and the girl had a boyfried - that would be trouble - but usually by the time you find out they have a wacco boyfriend, you already know too much about each other!
BTW, when I get asked about being married, I always asked back whether they are married and get that 'your kidding' surprised look. I've met one girl who was married, that was a fun conversation.
I am sure that many of the ladies prefer married men. However I have also seen many women who prefer unmarried men apparently becuase it troubles their conscience less to be seeing an umarried man than helping a married man break his wedding vows.
A layer of privacy or safety is probably the reason. Many providers and people who post on this board don't use their real names. Most transactions are with cash, not check or credit card which will leave a trail. How many of hobbyists and providers give out their home addresses? Just think about the words and phrases we avoid using when we post or meet someone for the first time. Discretion is very important for a lot of reasons.
It might be privacy issues, or maybe he thinks he'll get better service down the road if you think he's "available." Maybe he feels ashamed, or worries that you'll think less of him if you know he's attached and cheating. I remember reading a post or review once where the hobbyist told the provider (a middle-aged Russian) he was married and got a lecture from her!
Could be he wants to protect his privacy, or he does not want you to think he is a pig, cheating on his wife. For you it may not make a difference, but if he does not know you, how can he know that.
It's probably his first experience and he does not really know what to expect. I am sure that if you see him again he will open up little by little.
Maybe he doesnt have a computer at home!
If I was married I wouldnt tell the providers. its better that way!
I can understand why a client may hide the fact he is married or living with someone:
- He could be afraid that the provider be tempted to blackmail him or mess up his personal life. This may be irrational, as most providers would not dream of doing that, but in each business there is a minority of strange or bad people. (One agency in Houston was notorious for calling people at their home at 3 oclock in the morning). Most clients do not know anything about the provider's private life or personality, and are likely to be concerned.
- Believe it or not, many providers are very judgemental. I am sure that many clients have experienced the provider who gives them a morality lesson on cheating on your wife. ("what would you say if you learned your wife cheats on you too?" is a question many of us have heard a lot)
- A client may not want to share information about himself with a provider who does not reciprocate. Most providers hide or lie about their private life, probably wisely. Clients may feel they need to do the same.
- For many clients, the relationship may be as important as the service, despite what they may say. Many are looking for "love". That is why a "girlfriend" experience is so prized. The client may hope to seduce a provider or build a relationship with her that goes beyond the service, no matter how absurd this may seem. He may feel that if he informs her that he is married, it would be a nonstarter, she would be too guarded.
It is difficult if you see one person many times, even for business, not to develop some kind of feeling, positive or negative, for him. If a clent keeps lying about himself, I wonder does it feel like some kind of betrayal? Do you really not care at all?
I tell them I'm married. I just let it out in conversation. Some ladies let it go by without any discussion, others get into a conversation about it (which I don't mind at all). In any event, it's a good way to get across the point about how much discretion is needed. I don't see the point in hiding it from a provider. Moving forward, I filed for divorce so in another 5 months it will be a moot point for me.
Wow . This is a very good topic and I do relate to your being curious. I even wonder if I saw the same client . Mine told me he was a widow yet was Emailing me from his work (suppose to be self employed) and never at night or weekends. I think your client did want to see the relationship go beyond business perhaps during a problem in his current relationship.It happened to me in not so many words. I too was curious and on top of that he would always tell me call me anytime you need something thats what I am there for. Orgasims were too good to be true and as time went by I deeply wanted this man in my life until I learned about his white lies . Little things about religion,his last name, and even what he said he did for a living . It was all all a lie .Though he wanted total discretion, he wanted to know wher I lived, my last name, and simply told me things like how he felt "blessed" meeting me. Was there any kind of chemestry between you and your client?THere was witn mine and it is hard to hold back all our feelings after all we are only human.The reason I ask you is because if you are so curious he must have treated you well to make you want him even more. I have been there and I know the pain it can cause as well as stopping hobby thinking maybe that prince has rescued us. Im a hopeless romantic .Anytime you wanto write me feel free woman to woman no reason to communicate here .The door is opened for you.You seem ike you have a good heart just dont let men break it on you.
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"Though he wanted total discretion, he wanted to know wher I lived, my last name, and simply told me things like how he felt "blessed" meeting me. Was there any kind of chemestry between you and your client?"
We've only actually met once -- a first meeting over coffee -- and these comments questions have come up already. As for chemistry, it's really too early to comment. I'm willing to give him some margin of error for inexperience, but having been in (and out of) this business for 3-1/2 years, I already have a couple of red flags on this client that are unrelated to the S.O./married/unmarried thing. I never allow myself the opportunity to let things go too far, and to be honest, I have no room in my life for a S.O., and have no illusions or intent of finding anyone like that through this business whatsoever, but I have had my share of problems with stalkers in the past, and can read some of the "early warning signs" associated with these problems with experience behind me.
Thank you for your posts!
BJ, Palm Beach, Florida
[email protected]