I wouldn't "dump her" simply because she had herpes. The reason doesn't matter, nor should it, so I don't see any reason to be defensive about it. Nor would I infer anything about her because of it. Between medication and a little diligence, herpes is manageable. Just make sure both parties are well educated on the subject.
The only problem I would have is if she hid it from me. I don't think that it's necessary to give out that information on the first date. But it should be disclosed by the 3rd. or 4th. and certainly by the time you decide to become intimate. That would give the gentleman in question a chance to get to know you, and you him. It's also soon enough into a relationship that he wouldn't feel "blindsided".
Herpes _is_ going to affect your personal life. It probably will turn away some guys. However, if a guy is going to have a problem with it then it's best to get that out of the way before you invest too much time in the relationship.
As far as how you're feeling, very, very few people are worthless. You are obviously hurting. Is there a good friend, family member, or person you can confide in and talk to? It seems like you could benefit from some type of support network right now. I know that commentary from people on this board may bring you little consolation, but you _can_ deal with this.
I'm not trying to trivialize what has happened, but there are many worse things that could happen to you. If you can still see, hear, feel, taste, and smell then all of life's pleasures are still available for your enjoyment. The qualities that make you funny, interesting, fun to be with, sensual, and/or mysterious are still there. Herpes didn't take those away from you.
here is a question for the guys.
What if you started dating a lady you liked and she told you she got herpes from her last boyfriend that cheated on her? would you continue dating her or would you dump her? honest answers only. yes to answer your question this happened to me and no im not looking to date b/c my once joyous life has been taken from me and i dont feel i'm worth anything anymore.
Your joy and your worth are not defined by others, they come from within you. Take some time and fall back in love with yourself (not a sexual reference) and your life will open up again. Your problem can be controlled and managed.
All the best...Harry
I don’t think there is a simple answer to this. It depends upon how far into the relationship we had come. It also depends upon the guy, of course, but in that part I can only answer for myself.
If I really liked the woman it would probably cause me pause to think, but no, I wouldn’t stop dating her because of that.
If we had just started dating, I’d be more likely (I think) to see it as enough reason to stop, but even there it depends on how I feel overall about her/us.
Either way, a woman is a lot more complex than any one aspect. And though women don’t always acknowledge it, we men frequently are also 
But the most important thing to say to you is that whatever some other person thinks about you or does to you, you are NOT “worthless”. Am I “worthless” because I have a knee that doesn’t work well? Or because there have been people in my life who have decided to no longer be my friend or associate with me? No. And neither are you, whoever you are.
My private mail isn’t working at the moment, but if you want to talk more, please feel free to e-mail me at Old_Traveler69 at hotmail if you would like to.
I worked as a nurse's assistant when I was younger and ran across this a few times with patients. One patient took it very well and the other did not. Although I do not share the same illness with you, I certainly can feel your pain. Herpes comes in a variety of forms and lies dormant in your spine until the next outbreak. My friend (one of the patients I was telling you about, and we're still good friends today), read up on it and so did I -- together. You are contagious when you have an outbreak, so what do you do? You obstain from having sex or oral sex during that time. Some people who are prone to cold sores on the mouth can have Herpes Symplex #3 and can spread it to the genitals, so be careful. The sun can bring it out too if you have this type. There are medications out there that will eliminate it in about three days, instead of the normal week to week and a half. Plus, it is my understanding that some people have outbreaks more than others -- quite frequently -- and some go for years before another outbreak. Usually trauma or being nervous about something will bring it out. If you have enough outbreaks in a year, or even in a month, you can take a pill everyday and you will never have another outbreak, but check with your physician to make sure it doesn't have too many side affects for your body or if it's okay to mix with other meds you may be taking at the time. Pat (I won't say her last name, and she lives in another state anyway) knows when it's coming on, so she takes the medicine immediately and usually avoids the outbreak entirely.
You see, it's not so bad. The statistics on this are very high. Statistically, about one out of every 20 people have it. Don't know if this is true but I read it somewhere in a journal. You can manage it without it ruining your life. And, if your partner really likes you and wants a long relationship with you, it shouldn't matter. You can prevent giving it to him/her. If he/she doesn't accept it, then move on. That person isn't worth your time. If you want to chat more, please email me at: [email protected]
Hugs,
Ciara
I wouldn't "dump her" simply because she had herpes. The reason doesn't matter, nor should it, so I don't see any reason to be defensive about it. Nor would I infer anything about her because of it. Between medication and a little diligence, herpes is manageable. Just make sure both parties are well educated on the subject.
The only problem I would have is if she hid it from me. I don't think that it's necessary to give out that information on the first date. But it should be disclosed by the 3rd. or 4th. and certainly by the time you decide to become intimate. That would give the gentleman in question a chance to get to know you, and you him. It's also soon enough into a relationship that he wouldn't feel "blindsided".
Herpes _is_ going to affect your personal life. It probably will turn away some guys. However, if a guy is going to have a problem with it then it's best to get that out of the way before you invest too much time in the relationship.
As far as how you're feeling, very, very few people are worthless. You are obviously hurting. Is there a good friend, family member, or person you can confide in and talk to? It seems like you could benefit from some type of support network right now. I know that commentary from people on this board may bring you little consolation, but you _can_ deal with this.
I'm not trying to trivialize what has happened, but there are many worse things that could happen to you. If you can still see, hear, feel, taste, and smell then all of life's pleasures are still available for your enjoyment. The qualities that make you funny, interesting, fun to be with, sensual, and/or mysterious are still there. Herpes didn't take those away from you.
I would think twice about continuing to see her.
You wrote that she cought herpes from her ex., Move ahead a year. Say your relationship with this lady comes to an end. Now you may put some future woman in the same thought frame as your in now. " the guy i'm dating cought herpes from his ex girlfriend".
My advice is if you havn't contracted herpes yet, is to leave. Quickly...If you have cought it from her then stay with her.
I feel that your life, health, and ability to have a partner who is clean is more important than any feelings that you have for her at this time. It may hurt but in the long run your reproductive safety is more important.
She will be OK. There are dating services for people with herpes. You will hurt since you care for this woman. Don't let that get in the way of common sense. She has a disease.
There are plenty of safe women to date.
Remember, relationships end all the time. Mostly the female is the one to iniate this. Don't make the mistake of thinking your better than the rest, and that she'll never leave you. In a couple of years you'll be lonely WITH HERPES. Remember she isn't with the boyfriend who gave her the herpes. She can leave you as well. Woman can be a pain. Don't let one give you something you'll regret for the rest of your life.
Also get a hold of yourself my brother. Get control of your feelings. Keep your head up!~!! If you get down you will fall for her. Your caring feelings will over shaddow common sense. Your a strong man. Remember to act like it. Then you will be OK.
and no im not looking to date b/c my once joyous life has been taken from me and i dont feel i'm worth anything anymore
No name, from this i feel you have already contracted from her. If this is true get some advice from a shrink that deals with this.Perhaps contact you local planned parenthood and tell them you situation. They should be able to give you the # of a good shrink who specializes with these situations.
If you have cought herpes and she is telling you about her disease after the fact, contact a lawyer and take her for anything she may own.
It’s sad you have to point this out to him, and sad that funtime69 feels that way.
I have never understood how a man can truly enjoy the company of a woman yet feel so hostile about women in general. I would be shocked if most relationships were ended by the woman. All the data I’ve seen says the man is much more likely to walk away, especially from a long term relationship.
here is a question for the guys.
What if you started dating a lady you liked and she told you she got herpes from her last boyfriend that cheated on her?
I am talking to the lady?? The above statement sure sounds like the poster was a man. Nothing to be sad about Old traveler. Maybe i misinterpreted?? But It really seems like it is a man posting the question. Either way the advice is sound. Just reverse man and women then.
I have never understood how a man can truly enjoy the company of a woman yet feel so hostile about women in general. I would be shocked if most relationships were ended by the woman. All the data I’ve seen says the man is much more likely to walk away, especially from a long term relationship
Damn Traveler your starting to piss me off. About 70% of divorces are filed by the WOMEN. That is a fact. No one is hostile, I'm just pointing out a fact.
Bitter old man...
I have never understood how a man can truly enjoy the company of a woman yet feel so hostile about women in general. I would be shocked if most relationships were ended by the woman. All the data I’ve seen says the man is much more likely to walk away, especially from a long term relationship
Further traveler, when you have walked a mile in my shoes then you will understand me better. I have been abandoned by TWO different moms. Tough to respect a lady when she puts herself ahead of her child.
I have been arrested for domestic abuse. Of course the ex girlfriend hit me a few hundred times. I never laid a finger on her in anger. One day her abuse got out of hand, I simply restrained her from beating some more. Anyway she was screaming like she always does, the neighbor called the police. I told them what happened and BECAUSE I RESTRAINED HER I WAS ARRESTED. Plain bullshit. You can't even protect yourself.
In closing i have plenty of respect for certain women. others none at all.
I could go on. there has been other shit that has happened to my brother and me. Plus friends. I will have any opinion I want. It comes from experience.
I never said you shouldn’t have an opinion.
I had tried to keep my post general just because I don’t know you or your situation. I never intended to imply there wasn’t a valid reason for your anger, but it was clear from your writing that you were/are angry. These two posts confirm it and shed some light on the “why”. I am certainly sorry this happened to you.
But that doesn’t invalidate the two points I tried to make. First, if you (or any man) are that angry, validly or not, how can you enjoy intimate time with a woman? To me—and I’m not generalizing past that—it seems contradictory to be so angry at women in general yet still enjoy being with them. I don’t enjoy being with people who annoy me.
As to the second item, I wasn’t saying that men file the majority of divorce papers, I said that men do the majority of the walking-out. That is often the reason the woman files for the divorce. And even more common are the men who just walk away from a long term relationship that included kids but no marriage document. I work with government programs that support kids with single parents (men or women), and I would estimate that the men leave about 95% of the time in the cases I’ve seen. Again, I’m not saying your case doesn’t exist, but the revere is much more common.
On the domestic abuse part I completely understand your point. It is very difficult for a woman to be charged/convicted of domestic violence even when she should be. And in many mutually abusive situations the man is assumed guilty till proven innocent. That being said, the statistics again say yours is a minority situation: most often the men do the beating.
Sorry this didn’t come across clearly the first time.
Hey Traveler, I would first like to say I'm sorry for the Bitter comment. I overeacted.
I don't see where my "supposed anger" came across at. I simply tried to offer advice to the "person" in question. Was it the "take her for everything she has comment"? If so it was something I heard that women who contract a disease from a man should in turn do. I just reversed it. yes it does have a underlying mean tone to it. I feel whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
I very much enjoy being being with a great women in any manner; dining, conversing, and in the bedroom. Sometimes I do get frustrated with women in my age group. I'm 35. I have seen 7 good friends get divorced. All were the women deciding she was "sick of the relationship. Smothered, not driven, lacking spice, ect"...Most women my age act as if their entitled to something. Most are very rude. Not all though. Yesterday at the coffee shop, I'm heading for the door with a cup in one hand and a bag in the other. A woman was coming in, she opens the door for herself and just lets it go when she passed through. She knew I was there. Be good human being and hold the door open. I end up pushing the door open with my foot. I also held it open with my back for the lady behind me. Not a smile, nod of the head,wink, nothing. Women, actually most white women today are extremely rude. Theres no call for this type of behaivor.
I watched my mom walk out on my brother, sister, and I. My father remarried. He passed away while I was still in elemantary school. My new mom bailed on the 3 of us within a year after his death. yeah, I know it was hard on her, but you never walk away from children. I was involved in a discussion in the SAn Diego board were I was railed for suggesting that a child may be better of with his father, than his providing mother. Not because she provides, but from my own personal experience. I was lit up for this stance, Bellowing cries of "it's her child" rang out. I was someones child, she sure didn't want me or her 2 other children. However know worries for the father in this situation. Were just "sperm donors" One could say it's his child also. That would just fall on deaf ears.
Anyway, I am fine now. I don't have any resentment towards women. Just a keen eye that their not the delicate flower of the species that they\we make themselves out to be.
Sorry so long. Again sorry about my rude comment.
she has herpes? What if it weren't herpes? What if it was
Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, Parkinson's Disease, Leprosy, Alzheimer's, or Cancer? What if she only had one leg, or was blind?
My point is, you have to ask yourself how much you care for this person. Do you want to be there for this person when times are tough? Now, one month into a relationship isn't much time to really get to know someone. I've had relationships that were lukewarm. A revelation like this would have caused me to terminate them. Not because of herpes by itself, but because there wasn't enough substance to the relationship. The herpes would just bring everything to a head much earlier.
I've also had relationships where I've really fallen head over heals in love. One, though not love at first sight, was damn close. It was one of the few times where I felt I had known someone all of my life. If she had revealed early on that she had herpes, I would have educated myself and done everything possible to minimize my risk of infection. but I would have stayed in the relationship.
Mine is most certainly a minority position. I'll bet most men would bail, as funtime69 suggests. I even understand the point of view. But, personally, I'd have to consider all the factors in the (budding?) relationship before I terminated it.
she has herpes? What if it weren't herpes? What if it was
Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, Parkinson's Disease, Leprosy, Alzheimer's, or Cancer? What if she only had one leg, or was blind
Come on Slim, I'm not cruel. Herpes is much different from cancer et all...My older brother has Herpes. I am just chirping some of the advice he gave me 10 years ago. If a loved one is struck by an illness, stay by him\her. Herpes is caught by carelessness. The other examples are not. Apples to oranges...
C ya Slim.
How I would react to this situation is determined by how much I love the woman with the illness. If there are other things about her that have me feeling ambivilent towards the relationship then likely this would cause me to end it. However, if I am in love with this woman and can picture us together for life, then I would not even consider leaving over this.
I believe that this is the woman in question and she is saying that yes, she got herpes from her cheating ex. She is also saying she does not want to date but it of course thinking of the consequences of dating in the future.
I think you will encounter men that will run and men that will not. It is very important to be honest and upfront before you hit the bedroom. Then it is important to take your meds and use protection (though this does not guarantee against transmission since herpes is passed skin to skin) Only the part covered by condom will be protected.
On the upside one of my buds has been dating someone for over 6 years and they have herpes. He was super depressed when he first found out and though noone would want to be with him. His mother told him that he would not want to be with someone who was going to not love him because of a controllable, non-life threatening virus. This changed his attitude and now he has been with his partner for 6+ years and the partner has not caught the virus. They abstain when he is having an outbreak. Plus many people can catch the virus and not show any symptoms so when you get a SO and you are both well educated on the matter you can make an informed decision then.
on these boards, and I'm happy to see that some people gave their email addresses. Take the positive advice and grow forward.
You'll be ok. You will.
but in Tijuana there is the most amazing doctor. I got herpes...oh gosh...8 years ago now. Went through a monthlong treatment back in 1996 and I've not had another outbreak since!! Very affordable and he will work with you on payment plans. I've since had several partners, had lots of sex, got married, had babies, and been with my husband for many years and not passed it on to anyone or had a single sign of it. Maybe someday I'll have another outbreak, if I do I will visit him again. He is a world renowned immunologist, an American guy and simply amazing. People fly in from all over to see him, people with HIV, hepatitis, drug addiction, he sees them all. Give him a call if you're anywhere near the area.
http://www.williamhittcenter.com/
I'd dump her, if we've only been going out a short period of time.