I’ve had a similar experience.  I fell in love with a provider and contemplated all the life changing decisions imaginable.  I came to my senses, told her the situation was impossible, and she pulled away. This was extremely painful.  Seeing other people only temporarily dulled the heartache. Even when seeing others, I was thinking of her.  There is no easy way around this.  You have to gut it out and move on. The pain lessens with time.  

You are miserable living in the false belief you'd harm your kids by getting out of a miserable marriage. What you don't realize is your kids have long been aware that you and your wife loathe each other and they have suffered from living in an atmosphere of unhappiness.
So bite the bullet and end this mess of a fraudulent marriage. Everyone will end up happier.
Remember the old expression: Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

... and even they are useless sometimes..  

I guess if you want to feel better about your "sucky" life, look at the less fortunate people.  Like the old adage goes, "I complained that I had worn out shoes, until I met someone who had no feet."...or some shit like that..  

Also, if you think that just because you are seeing providers, you can insulate yourself from getting emotionally involved, well... life ain't that simple..  Hence, what used to be referred to as the "I have fallen, and can't get up" syndrome.  Sometimes, you just need that little bit of emotional roller coaster, to appreciate finer things in life.. Otherwise, life would be too monotonous.  

Shit maybe.. find another hobby or something...  Does baseball interest you?

Yes, I agree, life does suck when there’s no way to get out of suffering, but the paradox is, there is no way to get out of suffering while living, and there are many levels to it; heartbreak is one of them. So, when Ms. Pleasure comes around and leaves, enjoy the time you had with her, as in you mistress and the 100 escorts, and even that point in time you may have enjoyed your wife. (You did marry her.)  All too often it seems we get hung up on the other’s job to make us happy, which may also apply to the other wanting us to make them happy. When happiness is no longer met, what happens? Disappointment, where people just let you down in the end. That’s right, people will always let you down. But really, others have their own wants and needs that aren’t in sync with yours or mine, so it gets complicated. (Seems you are dealing with a flood of emotion that didn’t exist when things were going well with your mistress.)

As far as your marriage, if it is unbearable, then get out of it. If you can’t adjust to being alone, you still have the hobby. And, if you lose the hobby, you still have yourself, and when you no longer have yourself, everything goes away; no worries. So, while you’re here, why not appreciate those that were in your life, and hope for the best going forward without the expectations that lead to disappointment.

Give me a break! It sounds like you have kids, you own your own business, you had time and money for a four month affair, and you have seen 100 providers in the last four years! If I took a poll of miserable married guys, your circumstances would put you in the top 5% of least miserable! Quit complaining and begin by appreciating what you have. Next, plan the timing of your escape from the wicked witch. At some age your kids will get it. In the mean time, the best way to get over a woman is to fuck another woman! Go see your last ATF, several times!

Ok, I didn't exactly quote CDL, but close enough for our purposes.

 
Quite frankly I don't feel sorry for you, except for extending a bit of pity for your lack of balls.

 
You do know why divorce is so expensive I hope?

 
It's because it's WORTH IT, every fucking penny.

 
If you truly want your life back, grow a fucking set of balls, bite the fucking bullet, and as the Nike commercials say JUST DO IT!!!

The worst part of it is the "What will they think?" Employees, Clients, Friends, Family... the list goes on... that was my fear back in the day.. money is secondary.

But after it was done and trust me did it cost yes 3 yrs of fighting and 1 house 3 cars and alimony.  One day i work up and said f it.. i went into court said she can have the house have 3 of 4 cars and i will pay X per month but no ability to bring me back on future earnings... back then i gave up about 70% of my assets.  My freedom at the moment was the most important priceless thing i could gain.. no more court no more pain.. I left and after 6 months when i got that stamped judgement, i felt free.  

It took me several year to build back and it sucked financially for 6 yrs but today 20 yrs later it was the best decision i have made, my happiness drove me and that drove my drive to succeed.. I have everything i want financially and emotionally i am happy everyday.  

The friends, Clients, Employees, and Family could have given two shits, i didn't let anyone down what i did was become me and they liked me a whole lot better than Mr & Mrs. Me...  So if you are truly miserable then make the hard decision but if this is only about having free time to get the pus.. .then you are doing yourself a disservice.  

WS

What Is Important?

May I suggest:

 
#1 limit yourself to one session with a lovely provider once a week.  Helps scratch my itch...

#2 reconnect with your children; play games all sorts.  
Set your children and grandchildren up so they'll not ever have to be someone else's wage slave.  Make providing for them your purpose.

#3 tolerate your wife; she is, after all, the mother of your kinder.

#4 reconnect with your friends.  Play cards.  Have a BBQ.  Go fishing....

 
YEMV

What's Important?

Mark Manson wrote the book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck'.  One of the premises he put forth is how to find meaning in life.

He has 5 suggestions:

#1 radical acceptance - take responsibility for all outcomes.  Don't be a victim of circumstance anymore;

#2 uncertainty - embrace that you cannot control the outcome of every endeavor; enjoy the journey.

#3 failure - don't be afraid to fail.  Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

#4 rejection - accept being told no.  Learn to say no, if you're a people pleaser, to others.

#5 contemplate your mortality - like CDL said above.

YEMV

-- Modified on 4/21/2021 2:17:24 PM