I happened upon the TER website last night. I am a 40 somthing DWF, who dates and enjoys a healthy amount of monagamous sex when in a relationship...I am over educated, self supporting homeowner and considered attractve.  In reading these posts...I wonder...how many of the guys I date from places like match or eharmony rely on paying for their pleasures?  Maybe that is why so many manage to stay single?  They date gals like me to keep their "hobby" life under lock n key?  It is a scarey side of life to see...single guys who rely on the "hobby" lifestyle to fulfill their sexual needs.  OH..how many on here rely on "hobby" ladies becaue their sexual needs are maybe, shall I say...not mainstream?  Curious mind wants to know.

I do like some "non vanilla" sex, and that is also a plus because it's somewhat rare to find a gal who will go for the interesting acronyms, but essentially, meeting a provider gives me what I need for a reasonable price without a lot of difficulties.

I have difficulties enough in my life right now.

I would love to enjoy sex with a variety of women and that's what the hobby affords me.

I have a question for you - What is "a healthy amount" of sex? My experience with most women is that they consider once a week to be ALOT of sex. Which, of course, it isn't.
As to "not mainsteam" needs, that also depends on your definition. There are probably not alot of guys here looking for whips and chains, but most are looking to CIM (look it up), so if that's not "mainstream" to you, then we're all a bunch of pervs.
You should read a few of the good reviews (9's & 10's), VIP sections, of course. If you act like that in your monogamous relationships, you can bet that they will probably stay monogamous.

...I wonder...how many of the guys I date from places like match or eharmony rely on paying for their pleasures?  

If guys are taking the time to put together a profile on match.com or eharmony they probably have a genuine interest in meeting a woman with whom they click and can have a relationship, and that has nothing to do with keeping  “their hobby life under lock and key”.  I mean… you’ve seen the eharmony questionnaire yes?. My goodness---you would really have to *want* to meet someone for dating to get through that thing. I could write a dissertation faster. If all they wanted to do was hobby and keep it discreet, then…that’s as easily done as said. No need to put themselves through the Inet dating BS.

But, no doubt some of those single men on x.com also see escorts. And  some do not. Some married men see escorts. Some do not. Some men with girlfriends or wives with whom they have great sex still see escorts.  Some want to explore their kinky side. Some are looking for rather benign things their wives/GF’s will not do. Some are in sexless marriages. Some have sex in their marriage they just want more of it. Some are divorced or widowed. Some just like variety. For some it’s just_less_complicated than a ‘relationship’---who knows? There are more reasons than you can shake a stick at.  Hell, some hobbiest are even women (yep….that would be me, and I highly recommend it, BTW)

“It is a scarey side of life to see”

Hmm…that’s pretty judgmental. But, I can see how after you just, umm..‘happened’ upon TER that the concept might seem a little shocking. But, perhaps if you take some time to think it through you would find there is nothing scary about this at all. The system is as old as the moon and there is nothing new under the sun. Thankfully, these days it’s quite organized with all kinds of safeguards in place to help ensure the safety and discretion of all involved.  In fact, it’s almost “wholesome” in, well…an unconventional way.

“OH..how many on here rely on "hobby" ladies because their sexual needs are maybe, shall I say...not mainstream?”

All depends on your definition of mainstream. But you won’t find too much on this site that goes much beyond what anyone who considers themselves kinky would call vanilla. Believe me..this is pretty tame stuff. But hey, it’s all a matter of perspective I suppose.

Dating is like an insane dance of steps and moves written on-the-spot but which you are supposed to already know.

Hobbying is like a game of twister, with clear and obvious color-coded spots, and an instruction manual that is straightforward and easy to understand.

I dont know how to dance, but I can read the manual.

Hope this helps!

If that's a condescending attitude I perceive, it's not going to get you far around here.

Why do you consider it "scarey" that single men are in this "hobby"?

The one main point I get from your post is you are wondering why single guys pay an escort instead of trying to find a single willing woman.

Mainly because a single willing woman is way too much hassle.

b-

Spilling my guts. Not sure why I am posting this
but I wrote most of this in an answer to a query from a new friend (lunch sometime soon, friend???)
And posted it on another local site when then topic arose recently.

My hobby began almost by accident a couple years ago in Lyon, France. I was alone in my hotel’s bar/café very late one night and as I often do, struck up a conversation with the nearest total stranger. But in this case she was an incredibly beautiful Asian woman in her 30’s. We talked, we had a few drinks and she picked up the tab! At the time my sex life was really non-existent at home (see below). Now I had flirted my whole life and had never been unfaithful to a wife or anyone in a monogamous relationship. But there is always a first time, as they say.

She invites me upstairs to “finish our conversation” as we had closed down the bar. Once in her room things progress and I discover that she is a professional. So what kind of chance did I stand under those conditions? One of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in person, she buys my dinner/drinks, I’m halfway around the world, she is exactly my type, she speaks English with a sexy French accent, she is a pro and I didn’t stand a chance. So yeah I paid, but at the time it felt more like a date than a business transaction (our dinner/bar tab was almost her fee). I woke up with her in my arms in the morning and her question went something like: I loved what you ate for dessert; please eat it again for breakfast. It had been so long since I felt desired.

My SO and I have been together for more than 15 years. But for the last few years there has been almost no sex. When we do have it I try to focus on her in the hopes that she will enjoy herself, gain some desire for it and in turn want to please me. I hate the feeling of her wanting me to cum to get it over with. But this tact has failed to produce the desired effect. She says she just has no desire anymore. And aside from masturbation I hadn’t cum during sexual activity in a long, long time. I can't get her to see a doctor or shrink about it despite the fact that I have been mostly honest about how important thus is to me.

I have told her that it is not about coming or sex but intimacy. I see our love making as the place where I can express the union of the physical, spiritual and emotional love that I have for her. When we talk it seems to make an impact but there has been no long term improvement, quite the contrary. It improves a little for a moment but then the long slow decay again.

I love her dearly and enjoy every moment when I am with her and ache when we are apart for more than a day. She can make me laugh and smile like no other has and sometimes she makes me cry with how she touches my heart. I have tried to live with just affection, which isn't lacking at all, but I don't seem to be able to. As Green Day says, "when masturbation has lost it's meaning...” I feel shitty about feeling this way. Wish I could find a way to be content with what I have, but I am not so Zen. Hard to overcome a primal urge.

I haven't told her I partake in extracurriculars, but have told her I consider it...allot. I don't look to have an affair because I have rationalized that the lack of real attachment and emotions in the hobby somehow make it better than an affair. I know it's not but I don't know what I would really do if I met someone I not only clicked with but saw fireworks with too. Shit what would happen if she was also kind and funny and gave me an intellectual run for my money or wouldn't take crap from a guy like me with a strong personality and a desire for verbal back and forth.?????

So I hobby but I am sure that it will become unfulfilling in the end. It already is but it is the best substitute that I can find or think of short of ending my relationship. I go back and forth on this often. Intellectually it seems like a trivial reason but intellect and nature often disagree. Time either heals all wounds and eventually my sexual desire will fade or time will allow my wounds to fester and ooze. I'll be completely unhappy and it will infect the other really great parts of our relationship and it will end.

God I love to touch her, caress her, and kiss her deeply. I long to feel her pulse race under my touch and have her flushed face look at me and beg me to do that to her again....now! I want to be with her and her alone but I have needs, physical and emotional those aren’t being met despite my efforts. That is my story and my rationalization.

But I don’t feel remorse for hobbying just remorseful that it has come to this. I would quit and be forever faithful in a heartbeat is she wanted me again. And I would do anything she desires to make that happen, she just does not desire it. I hobby.

And alot more money...eom

After my divorce I tried the matchdotcom route looking for, mostly, a relationship where we both enjoyed each others company while being truly ourselves. All I got were women who were highly anxious. Anxious about getting married ether to be supported and/or to get their parents and friends off their back. Anxious about running out of time to have babies. I found no pleasure in their company and gave up. Hence, the hobby. Hope that gives you an understanding of at least one man's perspective.
Sounds like you might not fit in the same category, so good luck in your pursuit.

have a sexual romp without any baggage, I will see a provider.  I don't want drama I just want to have a good time.  

It is sometimes said we pay the lady to leave when our time is up.

I'm guessing that single guys will hobby between relationships. I also suppose they will hobby for fetish reasons. Unless you are into the fetish, I presume you should avoid the latter.

Question for you: What piques your interest in a guy's profile that makes you take the chance and contact him (or respond to his initial contact) on a dating site?

-- Modified on 3/15/2008 11:00:15 PM

Being single, I have the option of going the online dating route or finding a provider. I have done both, but it is entirely dependent on what I am going through in my personal/professional life at the moment.

For example, right now, I am at a very busy point in my life. Too busy to maintain a consistent relationship with anyone, with my unpredictable hours and travel. Try putting that on your match.com profile, "Looking for a girl who is into seeing me once every other month, and even then, I will probably reschedule." You wouldn't get too many "winks".

When I am able to finally carve out an evening to myself, and want to spend it in bed with a beautiful woman, I don't have the luxury of going out and meeting a girl somewhere, hitting it off, going on several dates, and finally elevating to as sexual level.

Don't feel like all single guys who enjoy this hobby are scary, deviant, or otherwise immoral. We know exactly what we want and simply go about getting it in an efficient fashion. That society (or to be historically accurate, religion) deems paying for sex "immoral" doesn't hold much credibility - especially in view of the number of "moral" marriages that fail. How's this for a credo: define and create the relationship that works for you.

The height of hypocrisy is that it's morally acceptable - and often encouraged by peers - to get a pretty girl at a bar drunk in order for her to have a one night stand with you. So would you rather the single guys were all out doing that? Probably not.

Wow...

What a story you have shared!

I guess everyone has some shit in their life...but I quite honestly believe, that, for lack of a non biblical phrase...we reap what we sow in life.

Most people who have replied to my posts seem to imply that they "hobby' because it is is easier than being in a relationship, or "hobbying" involves less hassle than having sex within a relationship.  NOW, I truly feel sorry for those people!  Live alone, die alone.

Your story is different.  I just hope your SO never finds out. OR, ever consider this deviant twist:  your SO engages in her own style of "hobby". ??!?!??  Now, wouldn't that be a kick in the balls.

Well...for starters, I consider myself an "extreme extrovert"...and meeting people I don't know is not scarey or something I dislike.  Given this, I read many, many profiles and respond to as many as pique my interst (I have gotten smart, lately and do much cuttin n pastin)...)))

However, I generally look for three basic criteria in my searches:  Non smoking, divorced/widowed with kids, and at least a BS degree.

From there...I look for profiles which are cleverly written...ones which suggest the writer has some introspective ability...and profiles which portray the writer as intelligent, emotionally healthy and physically active.

Someone who is honest about what they seek in a relationship is hard to find.

I sense that you feel ALL ladies on internet dating sites are looking for a 24/7 kinda guy.  Me?  I wouldn't mind a guy who was "here" and then "gone for a while".

I would caution you in thinking that paying someone for some joy under the sheets amounts to you being anything more to them than a paycheck.

While some people have marriages which are nothing more than this (translation: hubby pays/earns $$ while wife charges/spends $$)..you must agree that this kind of marital arrangment is a union at its most simplistic and "lowest level".

An enviable marital relationship is one where BOTH parties give more than they take.  One where BOTH parties give without thought to what they going to get. Sexually..monetarily...emotionally.