Had some recent problems with a former ATF -- she at one point said she wouldn’t see me again, due to a misunderstanding regarding “blurring” the lines between business and “real life”. Since this was never my intent, I decided to at least inform her that she was mistaken and give my side of the story. Also, being incorrectly judged by someone just made me upset and I wanted her to know my take on the situation. Note: We have never shared “off-the-clock” time and she never gave me any indications that she was interested in that either, so her accusations really surprised me.

After I made myself somewhat better understood via followup emails, I told her I wished we would have had a chance to figure out what the problem was and thanked her for having been friends, even though it was now “in ruins”. Surprisingly, she replied and said, among other things, that a reconcilation was possible, but not certain. She also told me a few things along the lines of “don’t make my life harder” and “I’m doing what I have to”.

I never meant to “blur” the lines with this lady -- rather I was just being supportive of her via a weekly email and enjoying her company a few times a month. I really would like to continue to see her and feel like I am a positive contributor to her life. I wouldn’t date this lady even in civilian life (at least 4 or 5 things are not compatible between us), but I would consider her a friend and try to help her out if she asked for it.

I have purposedly taken a month off from contacting her to give her a breather from me, and to prove to myself that I have the self-discipline to “move on” without her if I need to. But I still want to contribute to this person’s success, on her own terms. And of course I enjoy being with her...

How do I approach a possible reconciling? My current idea is to tell her that if we decide to remain friends, we will need to respect each other’s boundaries as it is dangerous for either of us to interpret the friendship as being “too real”. Of course, like I said she seemed to misinterpret me as getting “too real”, so we would have to clear that up first and come to a mutual understanding.

Has anyone else encountered a similar problem, and been able to reconcile the situation? I realize the odds are very low that my ATF and I will ever see each other again, but I would like advice on presenting my case as clearly and honestly as possible.

BTW, she was never the only lady I saw, and I have seen numerous others since our “falling out”. I was never exclusively seeing only her, and I think she knows that.

Any advice?

Obviously knowing the nature of the misunderstanding would make it easier for people to give relevant advise.

But since it sounds like she initially couldn't get past it, then it sounds like something you did which got her thinking that way.  The guess is you somehow questioned her lifestyle based on the two responses she gave you.

Since you never had any off the clock time, why not simply book some time and go see her.  You may not make it any better by dwelling on whatever happened.  It is important for you to know clearly what it was so you don't do it again.

It may even be embarrassing for her because she thought you were trying to go somewhere you actually weren't and this is how she is protecting herself.  Also sounds like she is ready to reconcile, she just needs you to book her again.

So just go see her, act like nothing happened, and see where you end up.

My .000000002 cents

I’d write asking for an appointment and I think I would basically say what you said here.  To me it seems honest and direct.  I would include both the “friend” part as well as the “not dating” part so as to make it as clear and unambiguous as possible.

I agree with Orthodox as well, you need to ask her to specifically let you know what had upset her.  If it was a misinterpretation, don’t assume you know how she misread you unless she was very direct about it.  Explain that you are trying to avoid just such an occurrence again and I expect she will be very understanding.

Hope it works out.

 ... Women will never tell you exactly how they feel or why they feel that way, especially if they really don't know you well enough... trust me.

 It's worth a try though. I've tried to reconcile with numerous civilians and it never works. Once it's broken, women are not interested in fixing it. they just want something new alltogether.


 Give it a shot, but just don't be disappointed if it doesn't work out.

If we tell you that we can't see you, we mean it and it's not likely that we will want to reverse out of that. I wouldn't push her. Move on. You have made peace with the situation. Find another ATF. If things change for her and she decides enthusiastically that she would like to again open the lines of communication, she will let you know and then you can decide if it's something you want to do.

Blurring the lines means one of two things. Drink up before you read this.  Okay, here goes. It either means a. that she thinks you have feelings for her that she can't return or b. that she thinks you are trying to work free by embarking upon a "relationship".

Many escorts are skiddish when it comes to guys getting too emotionally demanding or losing touch with the reality, that this is a fantasy.

If an escort falls for you and really falls for you, you won't have to ask yourself. She'll be all over you like white on rice.

If she told you to get lost because you were blurring lines, it means she wants nothing to do with you. You are getting obcessive and you need to chill. Get on yahoo personals and start dating again. Disperse real dates with escorts and you'll have a nice balance in your life.

peace and good will to men this holiday season,

xxooxx

heather

Why not just leave her alone?  If she doesn't want to see you anymore, why push it?  Obviously you did something that made her uncomfortable.  Take a hint and move on.  She'll probably think your a stalker if you don't let things be.

While your posting is long, it is missing the important details.  It boils down to this queastion...if you had to guess, what might it have been that you said or done the triggered her response?  Be honest because it does not follow that  you email her once a week to be supportive if you never meant to blur the lines.  If you never meant to blur the lines, and she is getting complicated with you, then even though she ranks as your ATF, perhaps its time to see other providers.  Another possibility is that she feels something for you and would not like to 'complicate' her life which she says is hard enough...I think this last possibility cannot be brought up by you though unless you actually want to 'blur the lines'.  I would say goodbye to this ATF, however hard that may be...

I believe that the way you can best help her is by letting her go. What does she gain by your explanation or reconciliation? Is it for you or her?

It has been my experience that once you eliminate your needs, you will find that the truth will be clearer. You may be right, you may never get to see each other again, but then again you might.

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place,   but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
                                                                               ~Benjamin Franklin

I really like your quote but what they really gain is a friend they both thought they lost.  She gains the experience of working through a misunderstanding instead of just walking away.

If everytime you have a misunderstanding with a friend, you walk away, how many friends will you have left?

I hope that is not what you thought I suggested? I was mearly suggesting that he let her go inside his own needs. Think about her first. Use the litmus test of; what is going on for her? When he is clear, then approach her.

I absolutly agree that true friendship is worth fighting for and that relating is always the best policy, but does he want to win or relate?

Maybe it was my misunderstanding of his situation that made my words unclear. For that I am truly sorry.

"She gains the experience of working through a misunderstanding instead of just walking away.

If everytime you have a misunderstanding with a friend, you walk away, how many friends will you have left?"

orthodx speaks directly to a secondary issue -- I have known this woman only since March, but she has had at least 3 people close to her (fellow provider/friend) "betray her" (her words) in that time. I don't want to "walk away" from her at this first misunderstanding. I don't know how many true "friends" she has in the business part of her life, but I strongly suspect it is not many. She is VERY stubborn and strong-willed, and to be honest I am somewhat surprised she modified her original stance after my long-winded explainations.

It is not lightly that I trend into to this...I know the simple and wise thing to do is to just fade out of her life. My conscience and sense of friendship / duty keeps me from doing the simple thing.

Nature of the misunderstanding: I told her via email that I couldn't see her temporarily due to a medical problem, but I wanted to continue to see her on a regular basis when I got well -- she replied asking what exactly that meant. My attempt to tell her that we would need to discuss that in person gave her the impression that I wanted to see her "outside the business". That wasn't my goal -- I just didn't want to bluntly discuss it via email.

I think I know how to avoid the issue in the future -- only communicate with her for business reasons.

What's the point of telling her you want to see her on a regular basis?  I think you wish to become more of a friend to her (even if it's not outside the business), but those things cannot be forced and I think she feels pressure.  My advice is to simply say (and believe) that you look forward to seeing her again, with no expectations.  Good luck.

In the long run, like any relationship, either in this world or in a less surreal one, two parties have to want the same thing.

I would do a last email just explaining exactly the terms you wanted the relationship to exist on and then tell her the door is always open.

ie:

"I am content with a business relationship. I would like to continue seeing you as a client and friend if you feel this is something you can do. If not, I understand."

this will not be taken well:

"I would like to have a relationship with you and see where this can go. We originally met as client/provider and what I mean't is that I feel more for you. Can we consider this?"

She's gonna run like hell. By what you've said, she already has said that you are blurring lines (as a negative thing) and if she loved you (as in real world, long term relationship thing), she would be telling you to blur every line imaginable.

Woman are easier to read than you want to admit. Spend more time analyzing what you want and where you might find it to fill your "holes", emotional, physical, etc. and less time, directing energies toward this party.

HB

make your move.  It seems to me you are definitely blurring the lines.  You cannot have a normal relationship with this woman or any provider unless the client-provider relationship is removed.  I do not mean to be so Draconian about this, but from personal experience, it works like this.  If a provider accepts money from you, and her feelings extend beyond simply making you happy and satisfied during your session, then it will be complicated and even messier than it already is.

Face it, it is over with for good.

Look, she might be cute, you might really like her, but in the end, she is a provider.  Beyond your providing some form of income, your nothing to her (in reality) but a meal-ticket.  In this case, you have become a meal-ticket with too much implied baggage.

Unless you are a psychologist with a need to do pro-bono work, move on.  This can only get bad for you; in the end you will end up being accused of stalking or some other bull-shit and it will stink for you.

Other providers and some hobbysts will take her side and call you a cad.  Your best choice is to move on to other providers with less problems and get on with life.

Remember, once a flake, always a flake.

There are plenty of providers out there that are great in the rack, have a great personality, look fabulous and don't require this much brain time.

Just my opinion and I could be wrong, but in this case, I doubt I am.

Loarthan

There are a few clues in your story as to what she may mean:

"thanked her for having been friends, even though it was now “in ruins”".
"I was just being supportive of her via a weekly email "
"feel like I am a positive contributor to her life"
" try to help her out if she asked for it"
"I still want to contribute to this person’s success"

These are all positive sounding but they are not art of the provider/client relationship. Noe there are two things that she can make of this 1) that you are driffting into a fantasy that poses a threat to her or 2) that she, sensing these nice guy vibes is not looking at you as professionally as she should.

Perhaps I should mention what makes me so bold as to put forth this position. I, too, play this game. The ultimate in the GFE is for the client/provider to lose that boundry during the act and pass something emotionally between them.

That's pretty risky shit if you ask me.

of course you didn't

Thank you HB, your "I am content with a business relationship" statement is what I was trying to convey to her all along. Thank you for your succinct wording...

I feel I have analyzed what I want -- a business oriented friendship. I have told her that and she seems to believe me. I can get (and have gotten) better physical enjoyment with others. But I'd rather "dine" at a friend's house -- "comfort food" so to speak.

The lady involved makes it more complex since she volunteers info to me such as her real name, info on her family, and talks about her non-hobby life to me routinely during our sessions (we have never had any lengthy phone conversations). I don't encourage her to do this, nor do I ever talk much about my family / friends to her. It just seems to be her way of relating to me (and perhaps to her clients in general).

"These are all positive sounding but they are not (p)art of the provider/client relationship. No(t)e there are two things that she can make of this
1) that you are driffting into a fantasy that poses a threat to her or
2) that she, sensing these nice guy vibes is not looking at you as professionally as she should."

I could not agree with you more. Both your suggestions sound very plausible.

I cannot abuse her trust by telling specifically what she has said to me in the past, but I will say that the general tone of her comments has been "you are too damn nice to me..."

As you say, all part of the ultimate GFE / BFE ritual. She is very skilled at this and is very popular for this reason (and some superior BCD skills).

And yes it is risky. Probably more risky than I suspected.
Thanks for your insights.

Most of the providers that I have met are very independent people.  They do not want a client to offer guidance or “start to control” or enter their private life.  They generally need their own space and cannot feel corralled.  It is OK to help them ONLY if they ask for your help.  They want to live by their life style and not your suggestions for changing their life style.

Yes, I want to continue a friendship with a provider that changed my life.  I also helped change the provider’s life.  We both agree that we are good for each other.  We also had a misunderstanding about a couple of things.  I do not believe they were serious things that should end the relationship.  The provider controls whether we will continue to build a relationship.  The relationship got too intense and we need to let things cool down a bit for the provider’s comfort zone.  

Do I truly care about her? yes.  We have gone out to lunch and dinner several times off the clock - we live in the same city.   I had 2 operations in July and she wrote me e-mails daily and also called me several times  It is much more than the sex, it is about truly caring about someone.  Will we ever marry?  I doubt it. We do share many values and activities in life, but we have different life styles, goals and ambitions.

Time will tell if our relationship will continue to build.

My dad told me:  “You can please some of the people all of the time.  All of the people some of the time, but never all of the people all of the time."  I believe that it is also true for friendships.

Time will tell if your relationship will rebuild or if it is time to move on.