That's actually not so frequent as compared to many of the regulars you'll find here. After two years, he's still pretty new to the game and may not have gotten the "kid in a candy store" phase out of his system. I bet he can rein it in, but if he feels caged in the relationship he'll look for any opportunity to skip out. If he's a decent guy, then he'll be willing to compromise; you just have to accept that a little strange is an important part of his erotic imagination, and if you can live with that you can negotiate some parameters that both of you can live with.
It's not hard to understand why he would lie: he didn't want to get found out and suffer the subsequent shame and consequences, obviously. We tend to be raised on this myth of "The One" who will fulfill all of our needs, and so many marriages crumble under the pressure. You just have to decide if the good he offers outweighs the bad. Best of luck to youRecently I found out my fiancé sees escorts. Or of course now that I caught him he is "done", lol. But yeah, enjoys them based in his reviews.
We had, I thought, an amazing sex life. Certainly the best sex I've ever had has been with him. There is nothing in those reviews that we haven't done. He claims no secret kink that he's afraid to share with me. We have sex often. Usually I'm the one wanting it and asking for it. We were planning to get married before this so of course I've been in the greatest shape of my life in preparation for that. I'm thinner than nearly all the girls he's reviewed. They aren't significantly bigger so I don't think it's like he's into huge girls, either. They are my body type, only a bit more chubby. Still totally possible he's just not attracted to me, but our sex life was regular enough to where that seems unlikely.
So I ask him why and he has no answer. He doesn't know. He can't explain it. Had he involved me in wanting a more daring sex life, I would have organized a threesome. He admitted he knows I would have done anything he asked. He just can't explain to me why he had this desire.
I can't really talk to anyone about this, they will all tell me he's disgusting and I'll never get it, or put all the blame on him. I am not stupid, though. I know I have a role in this and I know chances are people in good relationships don't see escorts. Even if he says otherwise to avoid hurting me. So I turn to a board full of hobbyists.
If your SO puts out regularly, is sexually experimental, and you claim to love her...why escorts? You can be blunt and honest. This situation hurts, but honesty would just feel better.
I'd never judge any hobbyist or escort for their activities, so be open
Not that I care you used an alias. Who would find out your real handle? ... and who would they tell?
Maybe he gets a rush from forbidden fruit.
Possibly throw a bone in you before I could give you an honest answer.
Next time though, do it with a new username instead of an alias. No SO would pay for membership to ask something like this, and you know the lingo too well.
Not even a nice try.
She lives it, she should be able to learn from her experiences.
Your fiancé is bored with you. There could be nothing wrong with you. You could be a drop dead gorgeous lady. You could be smart and gentle, but is just tired of the same pussy night after night after night. He wants variety.
Men, you see, are not meant to be monogamous creatures to begin with. Those are the fake morals that society imposes on us. Sometimes its religion. Deep down inside we all are having sex with multiple people..in our mind. We may not act upon it because of fear of getting caught. The shame., the divorce.
I had grilled chicken yesterday. It was good. I will have tuna today, and may be Chinese tomorrow. Just like variety in food, we want variety in bed. There is nothing wrong with you, or your fiancé. I would love to get married some day for the sake of having kids, but the day I get bored my wife (soon after coming home from honeymoon BTW), I will come join you guys to talk about different pussy and how to tap them. I hope my seeing of escorts will enrich my marriage.
Just imagine ladies, a guy who doesn't constantly nag you for sex because he is getting it elsewhere. Now that's a dream husband. I hope you come to terms with how nature works, and the sooner you do, the happier you will be.
Good luck..
He has a penis, the means, and the opportunity. It's not just your guy. A lot of guys with phenomenal wives and GFs still have sex with other women because they are wired differently than women. We like security. Men like variety. But maybe you should appreciate that if he's gonna cheat, he's doing it with escorts because the chances are more slim that it'll go beyond a business relationship. Good luck :0
Men and women are not wired differently when it comes to wanting variety, and quite frankly I HATE that line of reasoning. And I'm not the only one who feels that way. Daniel Bergner wrote a phenomenal book called "What Do Women Want?" (see link below) And his research points to women, in some ways, being less inclined to monogamy than men are.
So why haven't we heard about this before?
Well, for one thing, research on female sexuality has been wildly underfunded and largely unexamined. Secondly, many of the studies that have been done on sexuality up until now have run on assumptions (i.e. males are aggressors, females are passive). Thirdly, there has been a male interest since the advent of agriculture to control female sexuality and to keep them monogamous for reasons of paternity and lineage.
So why are women less inclined to stray from relationships sexually or to hire sex workers? Research shows that woman actually are equally as likely to cheat, but are far less likely to get caught. And as far as hiring sex workers, to be blunt, dick is cheap. A woman can pretty much find a man to go to bed with her whenever and wherever she pleases. And women are far less inclined to participate in casual, anonymous sex not because they lack desire for it, but because of reasons like rape, harassment, stalking and other forms of violence that we quite honestly have to fear.
So why is this guy the OP talked about doing this? No one can know for sure, but part of it is not because he's wired differently than women, but because he's been given more permission by society than women to want and crave variety. When a woman does it, she potentially faces an onslaught of slut shaming. When a man does it, "boys will be boys."
in this day and age..infidelity reigns supreme..
and in the very unlikely event that you are even a woman, much less a cheated upon fiance, men are pigs and most of us want to fuck everything that moves, some of us (not me of course) are just better at repressing those urges.
BTW using an alias only proves that you not only found your way onto this site, but that you ponied up for the VIP as well. Unless you took a crash course on the workings of TER since you found out about your fiance being here, I agree with everyone else that you are full of shit, but I really don't mind playing even if you had just asked this as a hypothetical question instead of trying to bullshit us.
BTW using an alias only proves that you not only found your way onto this site, but that you ponied up for the VIP as well. Unless you took a crash course on the workings of TER since you found out about your fiance being here, I agree with everyone else that you are full of shit, but I really don't mind playing even if you had just asked this as a hypothetical question instead of trying to bullshit us.
Why the alias? No real idea why not. I figured this would generate a lot of attention and I wasn't sure if using an alias would save me from PMs and junk. I figure most would think it was a troll. It isn't. I have no interest in proving or posting details. I had an honest question because it's been driving me crazy.
He wants to move past it and promises he won't do it again, blah blah blah. I think he's even convinced himself so I can't be pissed at him for lying. It just seems unlikely. If he wants variety, I can't fix that. And I'm not really comfortable with just letting it happen
Let's stipulate for the moment you are telling the truth, in that case I would have to agree with you that he isn't sorry, and he is highly unlikely to quit. He is only sorry he got caught, and most likely will only get better about how to cover his tracks. TER if you hadn't noticed is a great resource for anyone looking to cover his tracks.
and not all of us are lying, cheating pigs. I am not, Oh yeah, I am a pig all right, I am just even lazier than your fiance, and I don't bother lying about fucking hookers in the first place, but I don't have an SO so no one gets hurt.
Good luck, and who knows maybe you might want to try it from the other side? You know the old saying about geese and ganders, are you hot??? lol
Thanks. If you guys care too much I'll use a non-alias, if it really doesn't keep anymore privacy who cares. I don't want to be harassed or teased for being a scorned fiancé, the situation sucks as is without all that, but I did sign up for it. I doubt that takes away the "this is a troll" element either.
Really nothing said I hadn't considered. I heard a lot about men in sexless relationships and it's not us. I just wanted to know why he still needed it when we sounded different from the average.
What you've been reading here had some truisms. All truths exist in a context.
When you contemplate marriage with this man, you wonder what exactly marriage MEANS to him. You don't really know, but day to day you form some answer to that, and apparently you feel that marriage means something else to you.
You are right to be suspect about him being "done" with the hobby. He doesn't understand its appeal, suggesting he doesn't understand the "hold" it has on him.
This might shock you, but there are rewards hookers give us that wives can't. Put variety aside. That's obvious.
There are different types of fantasy. Here's one: A man can imagine that the woman kneeling in front of him and tenderly sucking him off is dependent on his donation, has a husband at home who is getting ulcers because he can't stand it that his wife has to do this to put food on their table, and who knows his marriage to her will end sooner or later. This may not be true-- then again, maybe it is-- but the "client" can see it in his mind as true. The reviews, the juicy details, tell about how juicy the BJ was, how she varied the pace, fast, slow... They don't talk about the power fantasies. The client can even imagine that if quit seeing her, that he would ruin her husbands life by depriving the hapless couple of their income. Men like to have control over people. It's what gives us our security just like marriage gives you yours.
Think about it. I tend to "ramble," I'm told so I tried to keep this condensed and to the point.
-- Modified on 2/24/2014 8:49:55 PM
The power thing is a good point. I didn't really consider it before.
I can tell you with almost 90 percent certainty, it will happen again which is why I would never date a hobbyist. Men who find out about this life and how easy it is to get sex when you even do the smallest thing to bruise that fragile ego, rarely ever quit. They quit for a while, then you gain weight, have a surgery, have a baby, and they are right back here until you can fk them 100 percent. Even then, some men will still cheat.
I don't see cheating as I once did, though, but I would also never go into a relationship under the assumption that a man will NEVER cheat. To me, it's really not the end of the world if he is providing in every other area of life... home, work, children, etc.
You are in the beginning stages of a relationship and he is already fkin around. Wait 5 years and you won't care who he fks as long as you don't have to do it bwahahhaa.
-- Modified on 2/25/2014 10:18:01 AM
Get used to it.
If you have him for 30 fucks a month, don't complain about the one he has elsewhere.
If she is in fact the fiance of this guy, a search of his handle she already knew about, found TER, registered, add CC to buy VIP and do another search of the review database. Not hard at all. look at all the guys that managed to do it.
I don't use an alias, so not up on that. Is it the alias use that might give you pause? I don't care one way or the other. My point is that TER is not complicated to join and search
Half of the excitement is meeting a new face and the other, sexors.
We had, I thought, an amazing sex life. Certainly the best sex I've ever had has been with him. There is nothing in those reviews that we haven't done. He claims no secret kink that he's afraid to share with me. We have sex often. Usually I'm the one wanting it and asking for it. We were planning to get married before this so of course I've been in the greatest shape of my life in preparation for that. I'm thinner than nearly all the girls he's reviewed. They aren't significantly bigger so I don't think it's like he's into huge girls, either. They are my body type, only a bit more chubby. Still totally possible he's just not attracted to me, but our sex life was regular enough to where that seems unlikely.
So I ask him why and he has no answer. He doesn't know. He can't explain it. Had he involved me in wanting a more daring sex life, I would have organized a threesome. He admitted he knows I would have done anything he asked. He just can't explain to me why he had this desire.
I can't really talk to anyone about this, they will all tell me he's disgusting and I'll never get it, or put all the blame on him. I am not stupid, though. I know I have a role in this and I know chances are people in good relationships don't see escorts. Even if he says otherwise to avoid hurting me. So I turn to a board full of hobbyists.
If your SO puts out regularly, is sexually experimental, and you claim to love her...why escorts? You can be blunt and honest. This situation hurts, but honesty would just feel better.
I'd never judge any hobbyist or escort for their activities, so be open.
It really does not matter how hot, how skilled, or how "there" you are for a man, most will still cheat. You are also correct that the women are rarely ever better in bed or better looking than the wife... they are just different.
Let me just assure you, that most SMART hookers want absolutely NOTHING to do with your man after he leaves, and I mean that sincerely. Sure, there are the dumb hookers with daddy and abandonment issues who come here looking to 'catch a married man' but most married men do not want someone with all of those issues.
Though I can say cheating is not the end of the world, you have to decide if a guy who sees hookers is what you want to spend the rest of your life with. It's not only the fact that he is seeing them, but that he LIED time and time again. Liars don't just lie about one thing.
-- Modified on 2/24/2014 7:46:47 PM
I'm not talking gay, or bisexual. What keeps a monogamous man from cheating, provided he has the opportunity? I don't think a man with a high sex drive will stay monogamous.
-- Modified on 2/24/2014 8:28:08 PM
Since sex isn't an factor. Even if you only have sex with your SO, it's not the same as hook-up sex. That's sex.
What keeps a man faithful to a SO? Off the top of my head none seem natural.
1. An outright troll
2. The wife hobbyist who scheduled her husband now having regrets (cannon home 1)
- she wrote long well written pieces like this too
Very unlikely to be legit.
She lol'd about him cheating
She would have done a threesome if he wanted
She says she is partially to blame for this
This is not even a female poster.
Trust me we have not been laughing about this. But the idea that he could so easily tell me he's done for good is laughable. You don't just walk away from this lifestyle.
And I am trying to own what I've contributed to this situation. I've read the stories from dissatisfied husbands. There is a certain responsibility both parties have when things break down.
I'm not going to be here long term, so I wanted to ask while I could (again, I signed up to read his reviews, which let me tell you was no picnic and everyone should use a screen name their wife doesn't know about. He's not an idiot but that was a dumb move. I'm sure at least one person would care if their wives read those reviews and got hurt terribly).
pm me.
LMAO... no VIP here but Lydia, let's show him. I will cook for you, draw you a bubble bath, and have fresh chocolate covered strawberries and champagne by the bath as I wash your hair. You know your man aint all that bwaahhaah.
My reading comprehension must not be as good as I had once thought.
Well I might have phrased it that way but that is caked in irony. And a little bitterness.
I did read the whole post. Everything that happens after you were made aware of his behavior, is on you.
Stay, go, have a threesome with him and a lady. Either way that's your decision to make.
Their DNA is not like that, yes, they get married, have kids etc, but they still want to experiment, romance, feel and touch other women. Why escorts? because we offer the less complicated, no strings attached option compared to others in the real world, who are needy, clingy, jealous and a time bomb if they fall for your guy. It has nothing to do with love, care, affection or any other feeling in the planet that you can call, it has to do with hormonal, physical and mental needs that yes, you also fulfill. Is not necessarily about the actual act, is the fantasy, the variety, the excitement, the anticipation of being intimate with someone for the first time. Being with an escort is like opening a beautiful present on Christmas, you are eager and excited to see what is in it but it may not be necessarily your favorite gift ever. Reason why, guys obviously never want to hurt their wives in any shape or form because they treasure them "as the best present they ever encountered" and want to keep the stability and the emotional connection whether is companionship, friendship, kids etc.
I understand you are hurt, confused and have doubts, but I would be intensively worried if he actually was emotionally attached to another woman. Typically, that doesn't happen with us.
(un)fortunately I feel like us men are programmed like that. Sure thing I know there's a thing like love, but love fades out. I can't say completely fades for it might just diminish for a while or never come back. Now what comes over and over again is that desire for sex, personally once I get a girl a couple of times I feel like she loses value, or to put it friendlier, I get the need to test new waters so to speak. It's like that Jay z song when he says "I was just fuckin them girls, I was gon' get right back". I guess you got to cath them all.
Your post is BS. You are a troll. You expect us to believe you just discovered that your fiance has been seeing escorts, then you discovered TER, signed up, and paid for VIP to boot and then selected an alias so you could post this?
:
Not when you've got Steve.....book 'em Danno 
I do it because I love sex, like strange, and I have an open marriage. Before we had an understanding my wife cheated on me. The lies hurt more than the cheating itself. I came to accept my wife was not capable of monogamy. Truth be told I am happier now things are in the open. I wish you well if your not a troll. You.have some choices to make. Stay and know he will not be faithful and know he is capable of lying to you. Best knowing this to come to an understamding like my wife and I. Or leave and best not to look back. All the dwelling on it will do is bring more pain, make you hate him and make you mistrust men. Not all men cheat. I have never been unfaithful.
Just about every person that posts reviews and comments on this board is. I freely admit I am. Is it a problem? To an extent just like all addictions are. Do I exercise self control? You bet I do, 90% of the time. I of course regret the 10 %. Your husband feels remorse at his actions which is one of the telltale signs he is an addict. Does he have more than 12 reviews per year? He is an addict that has some self control. There are guys here who put up 12 reviews a month. They are pathological addicts. At some point there will be a guy who comes on and says good bye and makes a deal out of his leaving the hobby. Addict. The hobby is a very addictive lifestyle because an active and varied sex life is actually healthy for you. That's why sex addictions are as difficult to overcome as heroin. In some cases more so. It's all about the endorphins that are released naturally during an orgasm. They are naturally released instead of artificially as is the case with drug use.
Instead of coming here and asking what we think, your husband and you should see an addiction psychologist. It's not that you haven't gotten good advice here. Just about everyone is offering you potential reasons and justifications for his behavior, but it really comes down to addiction and the lack of self control that comes with that.
Justly two cents. This is not meant to be medical advice and is for entertainment purposes only.
As much time as I spend here, I might be a TER or Fuckboard addict, but although I am a giant horndog and see a lot more than 12 providers in an average month, i don't consider myself an addict as I don't regret any of my behavior, nor do I believe I am harming myself or anyone else by my indulging in having sex with a lot of women. Nor will I make a big deal out of leaving the hobby whenever I find true love, I have taken many a hiatus from P4P over the last ten years without making a big deal out of it on the boards, whenever I am in a committed relationship I don't see other women, when I am not in a relationship I see as many women as my appetite warrants. Just because I like sex, and I act on those desires doesn't make me an addict,
I think you are using a very loose definition of addict here, and if her story is to be believed he is not her husband, nor is he likely to ever be.
The examples I stated are a very minuscule list of the features of addiction. The basic definition includes the persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control. Another is that a great deal of time and effort is spent in obtaining. 12 hookers a month you say? Giant horndog you say? Trips to CR a couple times a month you say? I have no credentials or desire to diagnose you. Just saying you may want look at it from a different angle from time to time.
Basically, it says men are wired to spread their seed as widely as possible. So one can look at the desire for many sexual partners as simply fulfilling our genetic predisposition.
It's also worth considering other ways of defining addiction, such as, is it disrupting other aspects of the person's life? Is it affecting others around him? Etc.
So what if we "horndogs" are simply doing our genetic job and harming no one while doing it? I'm not married, have the time and disposition to do it but can go several weeks without, simply by choice. At other times I've been with nine different women in as many days.
Sometimes we just don't fit a cookie-cutter description.
There has never been any proof of a genetic prerogative for mans desire for multiple partners, but it sure looks like polygamy is ingrained into our lizard brains. You have to consider that we were a very primitive species with a lot of challenges to our survival for hundreds of thousands of years. We've only been "modern" for a few thousand tops. It was imperative to have as many pregnant women as possible and men, who were outside the cave in the danger zone of hunting and competing with very large and mean predators like the saber tooth and dire wolf, were fairly disposable. So, few men, many women, desperate times call for desperate measures. Just be happy Fred and Barney were up to the challenge.
Why bother getting married? Sure kids, but in the long run they get caught, divorce and voila, broken home. I will never marry, I get bored too easily. I know that and will not put someone through that.
I find it inherently selfish that people marry knowing full well that they are not going to honor wedding vows. And no, wedding vows are not a guarantee of sex on demand. There is no guarantee of sex on demand period. Hang on hookers, but even then YMMV 
-- Modified on 2/25/2014 8:58:18 AM
-- Modified on 2/25/2014 8:58:42 AM
because my behavior is not having the slightest negative effect on my life. I can certainly afford it, and why is fucking a dozen different women an addiction when fucking the same woman a dozen times in the same time frame would be considered perfectly normal. I have sex with about the same frequency when in a relationship as when whore mongering, Why should I let someone else's opinion about whether or not I have an "addiction" influence my life.
I don't go through extraordinary measures to get laid. I used to sometimes do a dozen different ladies in a single weekend in my younger days. I no longer have the desire or the ability to do that anymore, but I have to confess, it was a great experience. It was the "kid in the candy store" that almost every teen aged boy dreams of doing someday. and before you go there, I didn't stop seeing that many women as a concerted effort to cut back, it was a natural aging process similar to me no longer wanting to eat a 48 ounce porterhouse steak for dinner, not because I have an eating disorder, it's just that our appetites change with age. I don't believe in making out my healthy urges in the libido area to be some kind of disorder or addiction.
Let me ask you, would having sex every day with the same woman be considered an addiction? and if not, why would having sex with even a couple of dozen different women a month,which would be less actual sex be considered unnatural, or by your definition, an addiction?
After I put up that reply, I thought to myself "Shit some guy who sees a lot of escorts is probably going to comment. Who could that be? GaG". I Lol'd when you actually responded, so I couldn't resist. Actually sex addiction is a real diagnosis as things like nymphomania and satyrism, but you are right, it does have to be somewhat disruptive to be a pathological problem. Otherwise who would go see a doc about it? I mean smoking, though not very healthy, isn't a problem either until you start coughing blood. All things in moderation to your own tolerance level is the way to go, which seems to be how you do it, so no worries and no beef from me.
That's funny that you reference smoking as it was the only real addiction I ever had, with the possible exception of casino gambling which did become a problem at various times in my life. I would rank smoking as my only real addiction as it was a habit I couldn't "manage" I was a "smoker" plain and simple, but keeping with my personality, I just simply quit one day over twenty five years ago after being a pack a day smoker for almost 20. No patches, (they didn't even exist back then) no tapering off, no "i will quit in a week" one day I woke up and decided that smoking was a nasty habit that most likely would kill me some day and I quit right then and there. I haven't smoked again since, not even once.
AAR I thought you were probably being a bit tongue in cheek which is why you didn't get a single insult out of me, and you know that's not normal. lol
If we take both your words at face value, Jinx tard suffers from a dysfunctional emotional response to his behavior (the 10% regret) while you do not. You seem to engage in sexual activity that does not cause you emotional or social distress, financial burden, escalating behaviors, or other adverse consequences. You have been able to sustain this for years and apparently can alternate with conventional relationships fluidly and again without endorsing distress. Your functional sexual norm is to engage in satisfying highly polygamous relationships with (albeit illicit) financial gain for your counterparts.
If you had been outed/ hauled off to jailed a number of times, to your detriment (loss of job, rep, relationships), and continued to pursue your behavior, then it would be considered an addiction. Otherwise not. Jinx tard is different because he suffers emotionally without those events needing to happen. This is evidenced by his guilt and need to implicate others here.
-- Modified on 2/25/2014 12:31:57 AM
Thanks for the free diagnosis doc. But the 10% regret I was talking about can be found in one of my reviews that was like a 2 or something. Look it up. It's actually a pretty funny story. My friends here occasionally bring up "Yeti Girl" just to raz me. That was regretful both emotionally and financially to me. But still pretty fucking funny. I freely admit I'm a sex addict. So your little attempt at an insult was, well, gay. But we all have come to expect that from you, though, so no big deal. Now for your lame ass retort that we all know is already forming in that pretty little head of yours...
The last time, you learned the rhetorical straw man isn't made of straw and isn't a man. Lol.
Thanks for proving my point! How's Ted (Haggard)?
Btw Ted says you're mean.
You are not invited to our ceremony.
We did not choose to be like this you know.
P.s. I'm giving the Bruno Mars to hotplants.
Bitch!
You are really losing it with this train wreck of a reply. Just calm down. I know you're sensitive and upset after the sobbing phone call from CCPA. I'll leave you two alone now. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
What is a "highly polygamous relationship," and how does one "engage in satisfying it?"
It seems sort of a grammatical conundrum. Like, "What's the difference between a well-constructed sentence?"
Not a criticism; not a rhetorical question; just... A request for clarification.
-- Modified on 2/25/2014 12:31:57 AM
If everyone finds out that Jinxies babble is bullshit then all the shrinks will have no clients.
And Jinxie loves visiting his shrink... I'll bet she's a hottie. And cheaper than most hookers.
Too bad its a gay little bitch instead of a hot psychologist lady. Ah well such is life...
Jinx Tard's favorite (only really) ad hominem comeback is that hobbyists (mind you, men who have sex with ladies) are gay.
Methinks the lady protests too much.
Any wonder why he has a Ted Haggard poster on his wall? Lol.
Can't wait for the Liberace comeback...
Even your lame ass psycho analysis of me is looking pretty fucking gay stalkerish. When are you just going to find the right board to post on. This one sure doesn't fit you.
After seeing what Ted Haggard went through, you must be conflicted.
That and the sex addiction guilt. Tough stuff.
Feel free to vent and beat your chest about being a man.
I'm done with you. Lol.
Sex addicts do.
I believe most people are behaviour addicts.
Some guys are born with the need to notch the headboard as often as possible, & as many as possible. Some guys like to play the field. I can't explain it because I'm not one.
I have never felt that way. I never even looked at another when in a relationship. Not even when my ex was running around on me. I did not through 20 years of this marriage... with barely any sex. I finally went outside because I refuse to live celibate & that's the only choice she's left me.
I think you have done (according to you) everything sexual that is needed & desired.
Before you throw in the towel... What kind of guy is he? Did he have multiple GF's at a time? Are you pushing marriage that he's not ready for?
Do not tell others what you have learned because your friends & family will then push THEIR solution (breaking up) even if that is not what you choose. This is a big problem but frankly, if there is a solution, you will need top level relationship counselor. A good councilor will not tell you what to do but help to explore your feelings and what possible outcomes you would accept as in your best interest. HE should see the same councilor separately & learn about his motivations. If there is an overlap, then there can be joint sessions... if there is not, then you will have left no stone unturned.
. . .100% is pretty rare. I am going to assume you are real, just because it doesn't hurt anything to assume so, except for the half hour or so I give up to write this.
I strayed only once for the first 20 years of my marriage, with a high school classmate at a reunion 8 years after my wedding. I struggled with a marriage of imbalanced libido (mine high, hers low) from the time she had our first child two years into our marriage until I sought it elsewhere after 20 years. Until then I tried to get her into counseling, tried to convince her how much of a problem once a month (at most) was for me, but I could never get through to her. I didn't want a divorce because I didn't want to be a weekend dad. So I started getting it on the side, sometimes with other married- but-looking women and sometimes with escorts. Five years ago I gave up initiating sex with wife and we haven't had sex since. And we're getting along better because she doesn't have to be bothered with it and I don't yearn for her sexually any more.
So almost nothing of my experience applies to you and your fiance. If I had had an active sex life at home my dalliances would have quite rare. The reasons for cheating are as varied as the number of cheaters. Some men still cheat even though they have an attractive mate at home with whom they have an active sex life. I suppose they have a need for variety they can't or just don't squelch. I don't by the often recited idea that men are just not biologically programmed to be faithful. We all have biological urges we manage to control in order to have a life we want to have.
If sexual fidelity is something you have to have, I would advise you give up on this guy. He may try to rein it in, but it is highly unlikely he'll never go back. Sexual addiction counseling may help him stop or cut back and may help you understand the compulsions. If he really wants you and you make it clear you want fidelity from him, he may try to comply. You haven't said how old you are and how much time you are willing to give him to see if he can control his compulsion to have sex with others. You could try to see if he can go without sex with others for a year or so It is highly likely he will still fail occasionally over the course of the marriage, but he might be able to control it enough to make the failures rare and for you to tolerate it.
Consider your alternatives. A guy who is completely faithful to you sexually will likely have a lower libido than you do. That is no picnic for anyone, man or woman. If you enjoy your high libido man you may have to tolerate his giving in to temptation occasionally. Does he treat you well otherwise? (Does he treat his mother well? That's a pretty good barometer for how well he'll treat you over time.) Is he a accomplished person in his work? Do you think he'll be a good father to your kids? (Was his dad a good role model as a father?)
Many, many women cannot accept repeated infidelities by their men. A poll earlier this year said that 85% of Americans think infidelity is morally wrong and unacceptable. A good portion of those 85% will try to stay faithful but will fail, despite their own disapproval of it. Some of the remaining 15% have found our way to sites like Ashley Madison or TER
Women seek out men who they feel will be the best provider. Best provider-- funny how that word has opposite meanings here. Like a fishmonger is someone who SELLS fish, and a SEX MONGER is a guy who BUYS... But I digress.
So after pair-bonding with the best provider, they stick with him until an EVEN BETTER provider comes to town. Then they're-- at least-- tempted. Also, they tend to stay with whoever fathers their children. Witness the number of divorces that occur once the kids are grown and off to college or prison.
Other than that, your post was very well put. Much that I agree with, and food for thought for Lydia.
I meant to compare the fishmonger as a SELLER to a WHOREMONGER as a buyer. Above I said sex monger. Odd term.
Also, in general, men are expected-- EXPECTED by traditional and mores-- to be the aggressive initiator of a sexual encounter, thereby allowing the "weaker sex" the power to accept or reject. Because of this, 1) men APPEAR and SEEM more polygamous than women, and 2) receive and deal with much more rejection than women. So... When a woman presents herself as available, he feels COMPELLED to approach her. And if she does not reject him, but only asks for something in return, he REACTS to a history of frequent rejection, and cannot see a reason to pass it up.
So, both men and women seek out a variety of partners, and it falls on each to play their traditional parts.
Of course, we hobbyists consider ourselves as nonconformists breaking with tradition, but in truth, we're just playing the same stock roles. Women are wiser, in this way, and can opt to walk away from the pretense of monogamy, fidelity, and all that stuff simply by agreeing to accept as many suitors as she wants on the condition that they nurture her with material goods and with the understanding that the social community at large will condemn her for "breaking" with tradition, but here too, in truth, it's just another stock role she's playing.
Sorry if that sounds too much like a birds and bees story, but... You know. That's how it is.
Its simple, the same reason a dog licks his own dick, because he can.
You are new to all this yet you refer to us as "hobbyists". You realize that's a tell, right?
You just found out your BF is fucking around so you turn to a bunch of guys with the morals of a cat in heat and women of negotiable virtue for straight answers. Really?
You think people in good relationships don't see escorts? Have you watched even an hour of Showtime or HBO recently?
For the grand finale, you find out your betrothed has been having sex with prostitutes and your calm, level headed and emotion free response is to come here and seek enlightenment and understanding. You must be from Vulcan cause there ain't no way any Earth woman would do some shit such as that.
As I go through all of my emotions and get down and disappointed in myself for not handling this well, I am reminded that a bunch of men on an escort message board think I am behaving so calmly and rationally I can't possibly be real.
If I gained anything from this, it's that I'm a little obsessive and I don't utilize the best judgment when I'm upset and emotion, but I'm still pretty awesome at forgiving and trying to understand mistakes without freaking out. I might be tormenting myself more than I should, but I'm not having a mental breakdown about it.
Again, I've had about a week to read up on this prior to posting. But the word "hobbyist"? I've known that lingo prior to this. I don't know why you think it's such a hidden lingo that no one would know unless they were participating in the lifestyle (and "lifestyle" is a swinging term yet I am no swinger! )
And if you all want a laugh, the first place I posted about my predicament? a wedding messageboard! AKA the place where obsessive bridezillas chit chat about how they are going to dump their fiance because he doesn't agree with their color palette. As you can imagine, my problem basically blew their issues out of the water. And the responses were QUITE different. First almost no one thought I was a troll despite the fact that posting about this on a wedding board is basically the dumbest thing a person could do. That was my moment of temporary insanity. As my wedding is more than 3 months I figured other brides understand how difficult it is to call a wedding off at this point and wouldn't jump to CALL THE WEDDING OFF NOW AND MURDER HIM. I was wrong. I was very wrong.
PS this is the most embarrassing thing I have admitted on a website, ever. 
When it's really not about you, it's about him.
Men can be dogs. Men are horny. REALLY horny. Men like variety. Sometimes, men will have that itch. Some will scratch it, some won't...really says more about his --- can't quite think of the right word, I'm thinking 'morals' but that comes across as judgmental...but I think you get the drift. It's not a rejection of you any more than a kid who lies to get a piece of candy is rejecting his parents. He just wants that candy and that's all he's can think about, in that moment. He is salivating. He can taste it already. He NEEDS it. NOW.
Many of my clients seem to have decent marriages. They rarely bash their wives..if anything, they are very complimentary when speaking about their wives. Except for a notable few that I hope to god were headed for divorce court.
So...do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who will cheat? Some women are OK with that. Doesn't sound like you'd be happy.
If I were to enter into a relationship outside the hobby with a woman who loved me enough to marry, and vice versa, I would walk with her into the sunset...
But that's not what you're asking. My best guess is that he was a hobbyist already when he met you, and maybe had developed friendships with a few of the ladies he met. And kept seeing them as his relationship developed with you. But that's only speculation...really all we can do.
I would also say, that better you caught this now rather than later. As should be perfectly clear, he wasn't (and almost certainly won't), stop seeing escorts. Some guys like this...
He did it years ago on a different site ( San Fran based). Told me about that, so at least he's being honest. Then he stopped for like 5 years and started again literally right after I bought a house and he moved in. Then another gap... Until he ramped it up after he proposed.
I didn't push a proposal and I'm the one who was more scared about marriage.
The timing also hurts terribly. I asked if he did it out of fear of commitment or whatever but he won't justify his behavior or give me anything that sounds like an excuse.
I've given my opinion on why you cannot successfully REPLACE the hobby in your lover's heart and his life. I should end here, maybe adding, Better luck next time.
Not my rambling style, though.
You waded into these murky waters way up past your heart, and before you learned to swim. Your fiancé is not an evil man. Well, no more so than the rest of us. He probably truly loves you. What exactly his love for you entails remains something yet to be nailed down.
Can you live with a man who from time to time will come home from work late, or drive off to Home Depot when there is nothing to be repaired? Would it matter if your parents or siblings learned of his hobby? If you don't feel jealousy now, will you feel aggravated a few years down the road when this behavior had gone on just too long? Do you think such a marriage will last? If so, will it a part of your life that you'll feel fell short of the mark? If not, are you comfortable entering a marriage that you can see the end of before it has begun?
Do you feel that the depth of your love is such that this little flaw can be overcome? When love becomes rather tarnished, and it will one day... Or do you really want to think that far ahead?
These are a lot of questions, and perhaps I should apologize for that, we never having met or been properly introduced, and you... You asked only ONE? Why?
You're a writer and not a very stealthy one. Your post bored the snark out of me, however, the replies were for the most part, fascinating.
I may be interested in purchasing your volume, despite the dopey research approach. Offering it on Amazon in Kindle form soon?
Gad, I love this site! Talk about addiction!
-- Modified on 2/25/2014 2:09:13 AM
"Daddy Cheats Because You Cry"
I'm going to go off on a tangent now and reply generally to you all.
I want to understand and I've read a lot about the lifestyle. Not a lot about TERs board ettiquette obviously.
I know he's not an asshole and his little hobby doesn't mean he's a bad person. If he could end it, I'd be more than willing to forget/forgive. Not a problem. I have already forgiven. But as I suspect, this can't end. For the record, he's done this for two years and it's been five or six times a year(2-3 girls who he admits to seeing twice). Not a random once a year craving.
Even if he truly believes it has ended, and even of he can employ willpower, I worry that he will come to resent me if he gets the urge again and doesn't act on it because of me. I don't think that's healthy or fair for either of us. If he was honest and told me he had to do it and didn't lie I think I would handle it better. But knowing he will restart a secret life isn't so great.
And as much as I want to be cool with it, I just feel inadequate. You can love someone and sometimes it's just not enough. Thanks for those of you who bothered to answer and those who added whatever levity you could.
That's actually not so frequent as compared to many of the regulars you'll find here. After two years, he's still pretty new to the game and may not have gotten the "kid in a candy store" phase out of his system. I bet he can rein it in, but if he feels caged in the relationship he'll look for any opportunity to skip out. If he's a decent guy, then he'll be willing to compromise; you just have to accept that a little strange is an important part of his erotic imagination, and if you can live with that you can negotiate some parameters that both of you can live with.
It's not hard to understand why he would lie: he didn't want to get found out and suffer the subsequent shame and consequences, obviously. We tend to be raised on this myth of "The One" who will fulfill all of our needs, and so many marriages crumble under the pressure. You just have to decide if the good he offers outweighs the bad. Best of luck to you
I've expressed this before, but no one listens.
Except for here on the fuckboard, people don't usually talk about their sex lives nonchalantly. It is very private, to most people, and it's a little bit of a stretch to complain about secrecy.
Married guys, do you enjoy DATY with your wives on a weekly basis? You'd better tell me, or I'll complain to everyone that you're being secretive.
How many women would really react positively if their husbands or SOs waltzed through the front door with the greeting, "Honey, you'll never guess what I did today! I screwed a hooker!" Yeah, break out the beers. If I ever again have a live-in girlfriend, I'll try it and let y'all know how it went.
"Even if he truly believes it has ended, and even of he can employ willpower, I worry that he will come to resent me if he gets the urge again and doesn't act on it because of me"
You know him and I don't but I doubt very much this will happen. When a good man falls in love with a woman and wants to marry her he knows he will give up things he did in his single life. And he is usually willing and ready to give them up to make his wife happy and to live a new life. But if this is a worry for you then it's a reason to discuss a cut off date for his hobbying and let enough time go by (a year?) to see if he's able to hold to his commitment.
You mentioned above that his activity ramped up after he proposed. He might be 1) saying farewell to favorites, and/or 2) completing a bucket list of providers he wanted to see but never got around to. Could you be comfortable with allowing a grace period before he stops so he can finish the bucket list?
Others have said it, but his desire for others, whatever causes it, has nothing to do with you--either his desire for your or your objective physical beauty or your sexual skills. Do NOT kick yourself over this.
I would, and as an experiment to see of I can handle it I've proposed he start again now. If he's going to start again I'd rather he do it now while I am still processing. I don't want to get over it, believe it's over and then have everything open up when he starts up again in a few weeks/months. And again, believing it will ever end seems so naive and stupid, but understand how tempting it is to believe it can happen. I don't consider myself naive or gullible, but if I want to believe badly enough I might trick myself into being gullible.
My plan of having him start again is not well received however. right now he is adamant that he doesn't want to do it, even with my permission and me asking him to do it again. I killed whatever made it fun for him (temporarily). I either put guilt into him or took the fun out when I took sneaking around out, or something.
Lydia, TELLING him to go get it elsewhere is probably the FASTEST way to put a sour taste in his mouth about the hobby-- or ANY form of screwing around. That's a good gambit it the power/control game, BUT in terms of building a loving relationship..? Maybe not so much, IMO.
The probability is high that down the road he'll resent it, then pick a provider off the ad malls to REVISIT your opening gambit in fantasy, and really show HER (and you, AND himself) that he's not to be jerked around by ANY woman.
Will it work? In the intermediate time frame, probably. Unfortunately, MARRIAGE, parenting children, happens in a LONG-TERM time frame, so...
Use you head. Just think about it... Then think about it while perusing your ATF's website.
You're misrepresenting something big about your intentions.
Hopefully you get something out of this other than wasting others' time.
Truly, that must suck.
But, I have an old saying, the next piece of ass is the best piece of as,,, I bet more than anything he loved the thrill of being someone for the 1st time......I have that fault, I may see a provider a few times nut 90% of the time it's one and done even if she rocked...
It is not you. He still loves you and probably still wants to marry you, and spend the rest of his life with you. Me n just NEED variety. No matter how hot and gorgeous a woman is, there's somebody out here that is tired of banging her. Its just the way it is.
We had, I thought, an amazing sex life. Certainly the best sex I've ever had has been with him. There is nothing in those reviews that we haven't done. He claims no secret kink that he's afraid to share with me. We have sex often. Usually I'm the one wanting it and asking for it. We were planning to get married before this so of course I've been in the greatest shape of my life in preparation for that. I'm thinner than nearly all the girls he's reviewed. They aren't significantly bigger so I don't think it's like he's into huge girls, either. They are my body type, only a bit more chubby. Still totally possible he's just not attracted to me, but our sex life was regular enough to where that seems unlikely.
So I ask him why and he has no answer. He doesn't know. He can't explain it. Had he involved me in wanting a more daring sex life, I would have organized a threesome. He admitted he knows I would have done anything he asked. He just can't explain to me why he had this desire.
I can't really talk to anyone about this, they will all tell me he's disgusting and I'll never get it, or put all the blame on him. I am not stupid, though. I know I have a role in this and I know chances are people in good relationships don't see escorts. Even if he says otherwise to avoid hurting me. So I turn to a board full of hobbyists.
If your SO puts out regularly, is sexually experimental, and you claim to love her...why escorts? You can be blunt and honest. This situation hurts, but honesty would just feel better.
I'd never judge any hobbyist or escort for their activities, so be open.
I truly cannot comprehend anyone even having the thought why do men have sex with other women...especially the fact that the person asking is usually a Christian, a bible believer, a God follower of some sort.....
The simple truth, God created man to procreate, simple! The woman spends 9mths nurturing the seed.
God did not create man to think before he chooses to poke, there were no rules put in man's brain that says he is to have a big expensive ceremony before he can do his poking!
God did not say Adam go be fruitful & multiply, oh by the way, make sure you earn enough money that you can afford to take care of this female, make sure you have her father's permission before you go poking, nor did God say "Adam before you can multiply this earth, you must seek out a female court her for a period of hmmm.... 3dates, then put an expensive ring on her finger & spend another, hmmm few mths being faithful, not poking any other females, waiting for the big day of an expensive ceremony.....finally Adam after you do all that then you can poke that female & multiply this earth.
So this question of why men poke other women, is something that I just cannot clearly ever comprehend...
They poke, cuz they have the opportunity! Men who don't cheat, in my opinion just don't have the opportunity & possibly just dnt have the tetosterone raging through them when the opportunity does arrive....possibly those men could have been raised by females who programmed in their brains to only poke one woman.
Love & sex doesn't have anything to do with each other....If you find the right person out there who can
tolerate to be with you, nurture that relationship, make the most of it & enjoy life....DONT WASTE YOUR TIME SPYING ON YOUR SO & TRYING TO MAKE HIM/HER BE WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE OR DO WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO DO!!!!!
I'm pretty sure you didn't read any of my post. We aren't prudes, we aren't Christian, and I've never pushed full monogamy. I did want honesty and he knew I did. The discussion of picking up a girl in Vegas has happened. When we found out our friends were swinging, we discussed that lifestyle. He expressed no interest. I was open to trying it. He thought it was just "too many people" to focus (our friends often were with more than just one other couple at a time).
I would also never try to push him to change. He said he has and that all of this ( seeing the impact it has on me, the reality that we will probably end the relationship, etc) has taken out any pleasure or interest he has. Truth is, I think it may have for now, while emotions are raw. But I don't think he will have that negative association forever and I don't try to change people.
As for spying, my finding out was purely bad luck and him signing into my iPad for mail and forgetting to sign out. Once I saw the email title and everything, I freely admit to following up and looking for more info. I confronted him afterwards but I have no interest in spying further. There is no point anyway. He's not an idiot and anything he wants to do now he will be extra careful and if'll never find out anyway. So giving me passwords to mail and giving me free pass to spy/checkup at my leisure isn't too helpful to me at all.
The problem is that the erotic imagination is rarely rational, and as much as he wants to indulge in it, he's probably having a hard time letting go of the sexual mores of our culture at large. It's a similar mindset as the kind of person who won't admit to jerking off to nasty porn, although practically everyone does. He can't objectify you in the way he can with a hooker.
He's also probably compartmentalized his love and desire for you into a different realm - your sex is on a higher plane, the hookers fulfill some base desire. So as for exploring together, he may be able to look the other way if you had an affair, but I doubt he wants to watch (yet)
"Men who don't cheat abstain because they can't or don't have enough juice in their balls?" NO honey, it's called SELF control, not makng excuses, and not being SELFISH. My brother has never cheated on a GF, and there is nothing wrong with him physically, nor is he in church every Sunday. He is also a good looking guy who can get laid if he chooses to do so, but he views women as more than just a nut.
"God did not create man to think before he pokes?" Oh, really? Then why don't ALL mean fk everything that moves if that is the case? You basically just said God created men without brains and the ability to think for themselves. If a crack addict can put down the pipe, a guy can control his d*ck. It has nothing to do with what we are biologically made to WANT not NEED. No one has died for lack of sex.
If you're going to preach about God on a fk board, at least get his mission right. He created sex for MARRIAGE whether you like it or not. You saying that only bible thumpers and christians still believe in monogamy is like me saying the only reason you are so ok with fkn around is because you're a damaged, desperate, wanton slut. Neither of those things should be projected.
-- Modified on 2/25/2014 1:47:45 PM
If you want to talk hierarchy of needs, I think sex would come right after water, shelter and food (in that order). Without the first three you'll die. Without the fourth, you'll want to die.
There are other ways to find solace than with your d*ck. Many other men have found it. I am not much for Psychology 101. The more in depth courses were a much better representation of what the mind can do when the body is trying to control it. Change your thoughts, change your life.