Back in 1995, I was having a lot of issues.  Had an affair at a time when Sexual Harrassment suits were rampant.  My partners thought it was best if I voluntarily went off to summer camp if you know what I mean.

Got dx as an alcoholic (if you drink, they can make the criteria for you to be an alcoholic So I said OK.  Last drink was 7/10/95 and I don't even think about alcohol.  that urge is gone.  You are saying to yourself, ok, why is he talking about alcohol on the board.

Well, you remember, I had an affair with an underling.  So they also sent me to those other groups.  Sex Addicts anom, relatonships anom. etc.

For the uninitiated, SA is really for  rapists, pediophiles, etc.  Not the place for guys who hobby only, just can't relate.

Relationship anom is more for people who form inappropriate relationships or have sex easily.  Just imagine being in a mixed sex setting and listening to some gorgeous woman describing how she just can't stop having sex with men she has barely met before.  Also not the ideal spot for a hobbyist to be in.  Why AA people may have 10-20-30 years of sobriety, sometimes it was hard to make it out of one of those meetings sober LOL GRIN>

Anyway, This business with my ATF (see Thread Below) is kicking my butt.  I have seen three great providers, played golf.  But I am thinking about grovelling and calling her.  As some lady in that thread pointed out there are two sides to every story and I can see hers.  It really was money because I was having trouble getting her funds cleared, she needed it now and more beacuse of her family emergency.

I am getting on a plane and leaving beause I am low on cash but I need a little help to let this settle down.

Some one out there help.
thanks

-- Modified on 7/20/2003 7:53:19 AM

you've received lots of advice. Use that message thread as your meeting. Re-read it every time you have an urge to call your ex-ATF. Especially if groveling is going to be involved.

-- Modified on 7/20/2003 8:22:15 AM

I went to a NA convention in California in the early 90s.  All those meetings help me understand more about addiction and enabling behavior.

I went to a local AA meeting last year as a friend to lend my support.  That was good too.  The speaker was a 20 years old beautiful blonde.  I have to admit that I spent more time looking at her than following the speeches by others.

As with everything else, meetings are good with some people, not so well with others.  However, going to a meeting in a way is the first step (or a renewal of effort) to face the denial problem head on.  The important thing I learned from observing others in meetings is to have compassion and try hard not to judge others too harshly.

LOL !!!

The single greatest thing about giving advice is that you can say any damned thing you want ... no matter how irresponsible - because you know that the other person is going to do whatever the hell they feel like doing anyway.

Your ATF provider does not feel the same way about you that you feel about her, get it?   You are not her ATF client, get it?

There is a time, place and REASON for cancelling a prearranged appointment and according to your original post she dropped you at the last minute because it was more profitable to her AT THE MOMENT, correct?

Well then.  Take the hint.  To you, she is a bit more than a sex object, isn't she?   But clearly, to her, you are merely a money object.  How does it feel?   Worse, you got pushed aside because a better money object came along.   You need to accept that.

When you call her (and you will) she'll have a lot of good reasons why she had to do what she did and a really smooth line about how she really will make it up to you  and guess -what?  You'll fall for it hook, line and sinker!   It will only be much later (if ever) that you'll realize that her answers came too easily and were too polished ... that you realize she's had experience at salvaging customer relationships that she has trashed.    Fact is .. she knows that she has you hooked.  So there's no economic incentive for her to treat you any better than she has to.

OR NOT.   And it doesn't matter, because you're going to do what you had decided to do before you even made the first post.

-- Modified on 7/20/2003 9:03:21 AM

I can't disagree with anything you said.

that even if i belonged in SA, which i don't, i could never bring myself to go to one of those meetings and end up sitting next to a fledgeling child-molester and when my turn comes admit my own powerlessness over whatever it may be

but then again i've been to some AA meetings and sat next to crack heads confessing how they "raped" crack whores in dungy basements of the "house" -- in their case being a "dually-diagnosed" drug addict was no picnic, i guess!

but hey, who's the sicker/sickest?  is the pot calling the kettle black? hell if i know!

LOL






-- Modified on 7/20/2003 11:51:44 AM

Right behind violence and LE.  I'm not saying the provider in question was justified in her handling of this situation, but I'm starting to see why she did it.

Nothing turns-off these ladies more than a guy who doesn't have his emotional or psychological shit together- and they can see it coming a mile away.  If you want to see a woman-shaped hole in your wall, followed by tire skid marks exiting your driveway, just act needy, obsessive, or like you're falling in love and can't tell the difference between an escort and a GF.  The list of other things guys do to scare off escorts is long, but you get the idea.

There's an unspoken contract here- they know what they are being paid to provide, and you're supposed to know too.  The fact that you're still obsessing over this and can't take the good advice of those on this board is all I need to know to understand why she was a no-show.

Print out Megapig's advice and tape it to your mirror.  Then re-read it every time you stare into the mirror and wonder what went wrong.

-- Modified on 7/20/2003 12:36:15 PM

-- Modified on 7/20/2003 3:00:00 PM

Good one, Not Really Me

me realize that good people can do bad/evil things when they are desperate.

The most important lesson I learned is to never allow oneself near or in that kind of situation.

I wish I have your sense of humor and laugh about it.  Unfortunately for me, it is not in my nature.


-- Modified on 7/20/2003 1:35:59 PM

....they've given you sound advise & a very good illustration of what this is all about & what you're doing to yourself.  And yes..it's YOU who's doing it, not her!  

You asked for advise once before & received plenty of it, most of it sound as I recall.  Advise is always easy to give, but often difficult to take.  That seems to be the case with you.  Go to whatever help group you want...but if you decide to do that, don't expect miracles.  The only person/people that can help you is the face you see when you look in the mirror.  

I think you should quit looking for someone else to solve the problem & stop chasing around in search of easy answers...they usually aren't there.  But if you do something for yourself---suck it up & take the bull by the horns, you'll likely find it's not as awful as you imagine & might be easier than you think.  It'll come down to this eventually anyway...either that or change your handle to "rug" because some people are gonna walk on you.  Maybe that sounds blunt, but damnit it's the truth.

Forgive your ATF and connect back up with her.


I give this advice because the better answer just doesn't work for you PLUS the story you'll be able to tell in a month is precious to me. I am on the edge of my seat just waiting for the next chapter to unfold. The story that ABeautifulMind told (starting on the LA Board and concluding on the Tijuana one) about his adventures in Tijuana have ended and I for one, crave another in that series.

And if you take the advice I just offered, please don't let your discovery next month of what a fool you became, prevent you from telling us the next chapter in this magnificent story.