Ok, this is a bit of a vent, but here goes.

Very briefly, I've been sort of dating a provider lately, and I've posted on this board about having feelings towards her.  Many people joked about how common a topic this is.

As I've tried to deal with this situation, I've had to learn to accept certain things about our current situation (i.e., that she's still working and I'm in another relationship).

I did write this while I was drunk, so forgive me if it's a bit crass.  I just think it makes sense to be honest with yourself about what it's really like (although what do I know, I'm crazy).

Things to consider if you're dating an active provider:

-Can you wait at home, knowing she's with a client, and act happy to see her when she comes back, and make love to her?

-Can you eat your girlfriend's pussy, and pretend it doesn't bother you that another man's cock has been there today, and probably not that long before you?

-Can you pretend to not be curious about what she does each day, knowing full well the only thing she really does is fuck other people for money?  When you ask her 'what did you do today?', you'll really be thinking 'who and how many men did you do today?'

-Can you kid yourself that she has any feelings for you, when you know that her whole livelihood depends upon her ability to make men think she cares?

I'm obviously not really dealing very well with any of these things...

But it might be time to move on.  She does what she does, and it sounds like you knew it going into the relationship.  Given her job, it's not that she's doing anything wrong, but you're inability to deal with it that's the problem.

I don't know that I could either, but I'm not (at least not knowingly) dating a provider.

In addition , does she know when you last stuck the lady you're in a relationship with and the last time you fell face first into her snatch? Stop yer crying and realize that if you're not 100% single, what she does when you're not there is as much none of your business as it's none of hers when you're with your SO...bad relationship or not.

I just love the smell of a double standard. Oh and just so as you know...we are paid to pretend like you mean something...get it! It's an illusion and a good deal of acting...most of the time.

What if you were dating a urologist...looking at men's junk all day and sticking her finger up their butts...would that worry you too?

Geez you guys are priceless. It's not like you didn't know what she did for a living before you started to get all mushy. Leave and find someone you can cheat on who is none the wiser.

Is REALLY moderate the alcohol intake. Alcohol is jsut about the worst thing you can indulge in if you're dealing with trust and anger issues. I can't stress this enough.

If you're really interested in having a productive heart-to-heart and getting some real stuff out in the open in a frame of mind where they can be handled with very little mess, you might want to think about trying a low dose of X. Mind you, I said LOW. Therapists were having much success using X in that way before it was scheduled by the FDA. Mods, if I've crossed some line, please edit my response and let me know.

I'd recommend that you try as hard as you can to work it out. We learn more from the hard things in life than we do the easy ones. Even if it doesn't work out, if you've really worked at it, you'll be a better person and be in a better position to understand others and therefore offer more help yourself.

Good luck, and remember to cut back on the alcohol.

and I'm sure MDMA can be very productive for such therapy with the right intent and settings. However, please be careful. "XTC" as it is commonly purchased, is not "MDMA," it is a combination of ingredients, which sometimes include MDMA or MDA. Check out dancesafe.org or ecstasydata.org ~ a huge portion of pills contain impurities like amphetamines, caffeine, etc. This can be dangerous and/or unexpected, and could also, I would assume, interfere with the "therapizing" Be safe~

XoXo
Marea

we went through all the phases... she's with another guy now, we remain as close as bread and butter, crossed from provider to girlfriend and now platonic friend... never seem to wear out the relationship.... actually I think the overall tone of the relationship has gradually improved over the years... she's almost like a wife I've known forever... complete each others sentences.... it can be real, you can get over all the negatives, yes it can and does work.... but you will have to do a hell of a lot of growing in the process... not for the queasy or faint of heart...

This is a great post nmach.  Sorry you are going through all of this.  Obviously dating a provider is not for you.

Ladies please read nmach's post carefully if you are ever tempted or considering dating a hobbyist.  He'll say he can handle it,  but few men can.  Be forewarned!

HG

and the biggest reason I cautioned LOW dose.

I just wanted to tell nmach what an idiot he is and how selfish he sounds.
I'm also wondering about the sanity of the girl who is "dating" him.
Wow!  I wish I was drinking as well, then I might be un-inhibitted enough to type what I really want to say to nmash.  
I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with just letting it be known that I don't like his attitude or his post.

-- Modified on 8/21/2007 7:28:11 PM

This guy is obviously hurting and wants the lady to himself. Actually, kudos to him for wanting to be selfish and keep her to himself. Unfortunately, she's a provider and that won't work. You need to release one of the ladies, hon. Hey, sometimes drinking makes us overly sensitive.

My answer to you is to ask yourself these questions when you are not drinking. Make a list of the pros and cons on a sheet of paper. If the cons outweight the pros then you've got a problem (which it already sounds like you do). Talk to her about it. Get her reply. Communication is key to everything. If it doesn't work out, then you'll have to move on, but I think you've already figured that one out for yourself.

Hugs,
Ciara

P.S. Next time try Petron Silver. It will make you get on the table and dance instead of sulk.




-- Modified on 8/21/2007 9:00:24 PM

Agreed.  No need to be mean.

But I disagree about asking the questions sober.  Obviously dating an escort isn't for him.  No need in dragging out the unhappiness or prolonging the inevitable break up. He should move on and find a nice civilian girl and be happy.

But I do like the advice about the Petron Silver, hehehehe.  I'm going to have to try that.

so he may want her all to himself, but clearly they both have other circumstances which were in place and accepted upon their starting to "kind of" date. IMHO, it's a two-way street and one that should be addressed in open communication now, or preferably before they got involved in their current dating situation.

I think it is time for me to vent.  What has a person's job got to do with a relationship?  I would be a lot more sympathetic if what bothered you was her safety.  If your point was

-I sit at home worrying about if she is safe

I would be sympathetic because your concern would be about your SO not possessive sex.  Trust me; relationship sex is much different than casual sex.

I know of 3 client-provider relationships that have lasted longer than most civvie relationships.  Guess what?  Her job hasn't got anything to do with it!  And guess what else?  Their SO's are only worried about their lover's health and safety.  That is the difference between love and sex.  Each of these guys was once a client.  Each "fucked their brides to be for money" to paraphrase you.  But guess what?  They respect their women and realize what treasures they have.  And all three ladies are real treasures.

Perhaps if you are in one relationship & "sort of dating" someone else you are not ready for a serious relationship where you care about the other person as a person not a chattel.

good questions for you to think about, but

one very important thing for you also to consider..

She does come home to YOU every day.
That should count for something.

It's not an easy situation.
If these questions can't be answered and resolved by you, I believe you shouldn't be in this relationship.
But if you really care for her, and she talks to you honestly about her day and looks for comfort and affection from you when she comes home to YOU every day, then maybe there is some hope.
I think these relationships, while rare, can work, and can be all the stronger if the two are strong enough and honest enough to make it happen.

Just my opinion...
B

but for the most part, I see escorts the same as any other breed of folk.  They are simply "People."  So it seems to me that it is her job that you have difficulties with.  So lets back off from that and consider:

What do you think of her as a person?  
What else is she capable of (profession wise)?
where did you see the relationship going? (marriage, long term relationship, babies?  what?)
What do you expect from her? and
What would you do personally to keep her from escorting...?

Those are more importantant than the questions you have asked.  Why?  date a civie... Quite frankly - you would have the same questions... (well, except that the woman may not "fuck other people for money.")  But most importantly, do you trust her when you are not there....  ???  

There are many providers that I would love to date.  But, they would not see me that way.  But I am awfully glad that they see me as a client - and one that - for the most part - they enjoy being with.  

Good luck to you, but as has been offered above, it sounds like dating an escort is probably not for you.  Please be careful with the booze.

-- Modified on 8/21/2007 8:18:06 PM

But more to the point, almost any guy would have a problem with all those things. It's why actually dating a provider is not for most guys. If it has already tested your tolerance, you're not someone who can deal with it.    

Which is why you should get out-- now! Not only that, see a few other ladies to clear your head of this. Even if she quits now, to judge from what you're writing, it won't help. IMO, your emotions about it are roused already, and this is case where being faithful and trying harder could be a very bad thing.

For your questions: 1) Yes, though I think what she'd need most is a massage, but if she's in the mood . . . 2) Yes, I mean I trust it wasn't BB; 3) That might be a real turn on for me actually; 4) I can't judge that one on a general case.    

-- Modified on 8/21/2007 9:02:37 PM

I know myself well enough to realize that those things would never sit well with me and I am not cut out to date a provider in any kind of traditional way. Even if she had left the business, I could never get past the fact that she's banged hundreds, maybe thousands of guys before me.


Some guys have no problem with it, other guys get the willy's just thinking about it. You need to know yourself and how your wired, and take the responsibility for yourself to act accordingly. She "is what she is", either accept it or don't waste each others time.

I can't find it in myself to give kudos to a guy that wants to be selfish and keep a lady to himself...when he freely admits that he is "still in another relationship".

That he can't handle all the "issues" he delineated while he doesn't seem to worry about if she can handle him being in another relationship...that doesn't sound all that deserving of praise.  

As for Patron Silver...I never end up on table dancing...but a couple of times I have ended up on top of a woman on a pool table.  *grin*

as long as you get the right angle and make sure the balls hit the correct pockets.

Actually, I just meant kudos to him for not wanting to share because he likes her. Many men don't have a problem with that. Granted, he does need to pick a partner and stay with her. I think I mentioned that.

Hugs,
Ciara

-- Modified on 8/22/2007 11:19:38 AM

I'm going to take a slightly different tack in my response than some of the other posters.  Firstly, when you have a PAID session with a provider, do you think about all the guys she slept with earlier in the day while you're eating her pussy?  If the answer is "yes," then either stop eating pussy, or stop hobbying.  I believe that you're applying a bit of a double standard here, as has been implied.  I wonder if your new girlfriend is equally troubled about how many women you've fucked in your time?  

Still, you aren't wrong to question her true feelings for you; it's always possible that the entire relationship is merely an elaborate con, or just a clever way for her to initiate a "sugar daddy" arrangement with you.  Then again, it could be the real thing.  Hope for the best and expect the worst, right?.

And then there's always the question of money, which I'm surprised nobody raised.  Many of the women in this field make tons of money.  Tons.  Huge assloads of money.  High six-figures, sometimes even low seven-figures per year in exceptional cases.  Even in this enlightened era, many men will find it difficult to date a woman who makes two, three, or even ten times as much as he does.  And some women will not accept it either, by the way.  I realize that most providers aren't millionaires, and their earning power varies considerably, but the majority seem to be fairly well-compensated.  If they're even moderately dedicated to their job, a typical provider could probably make a few grand every week without breaking a sweat.  And some of the upper-echelon ladies are making $500 to $1,000 per session, and up.  This could be a real bone of contention if you are employed as, say, a teacher, a civil servant, or a salesman.  You may grow to resent her financial success as the relationship progresses.

BTW, I myself am currently seeing a provider who I'd love to date.  I have real feelings for her which I've never had for any other provider -hell, any other woman, period- before.  But I've never asked her out on a "date," and I probably never will.  I guess some things just aren't meant to be.

I would want her to keep me in her heart as her "love".
I would want to be on whom she leaned when bad things happened, and rejoiced with when things were good.
I would want her to share her hopes and dreams with me.
I would want to be the one to know all her little quirks, and idiosyncrasies.
I would want to be the one whose arms she felt safe in at night, and whose face she wanted to see when she awoke.
I would want to know her like no one else.
I would want her to come "home" to me each night.
I would want to know how to make her laugh and smile when she didn't think could, the one to ease her fears and dry her tears.
I would want to be the one she loved...
and no, I wouldn't want to share that.

That is far more her than what is between her legs...and all that, is far more precious and far more intimate than when genitals collide...and especially when they collide for money.

Nope, I wouldn't want to share the woman I loved...now I just have to find her. *grin*

-- Modified on 8/22/2007 1:28:37 AM

In practical terms, the advantages are way ahead of the disadvantages as we respect each other's life (her providing and my hobbying), we find it interesting.

But the main thing is, when two people "click", as Bev and I did as soon as we met, everything else becomes secondary.

Another myth shattered.  Who says Techies aren't romantic?

Hope you find the lucky woman soon.

and the click is big enough, everything else does become secondary. Except the money, eh?

I'd LOVE to date my ATF, but that's not in the cards any time soon. I'm open to any way we can make the relationship work, though.

... and none of them are very appealing.  Still, it's bothering me to read this, so I'll ask some questions back at you.  (I know you were drunk when you wrote this, and that had a lot to do with it, but I'm going to try to address the issues straight-up.)

You say that "her whole livelihood depends upon her ability to make men think she cares", but everything else you're upset about is blatantly sexual in nature.  What is that bothers you -- the quasi-emotional end of things, or the fucking?  It could be both, I suppose, but you seem to be differentiating to a degree.

Why does it bother you that she's having sex with other men?  

Do you think it bothers her that you're having sex with other women?

What's the deal with the concern over how recently she's been having sex?  Do you not trust her hygiene?  Are you afraid you're going to catch "strange dick cooties"?  

Is your affection for her based on who she is, or on what she does?  If it's based on who she is, why does it seem like the only thing you really care about is who else she's fucking?

Like everyone else, I'm pretty sure that dating a provider isn't for you.  You seem to have some issues about possessiveness and personal respect that need some resolution before you should even consider the idea.  You'll probably want to think about what monogamy means to you, and why it's so important to you.

Oh, and cut back on the drinking.

Honestly, if I were married or had a boyfriend, I couldn't continue providing, but that's just me.

Hugs,
ciara

but sex always costs.

Oh well, no one said there would be a free lunch.

(It's only money.)

Indeed! Even if I were to leave my SO and lure my ATF away with me, there are lots of costs involved. TINSTAASFL

Thanks to everyone for the responses.  Lots of good feedback and advice.  And yes, I realize drinking doesn't help, but sometimes it makes it easier to cope.

At the risk of seeming defensive, I will make a couple of comments about the posts.

First of all, I didn't really intend this post as a well rounded view of my relationship with this woman.  It was really just a bit of a rant, and not at all representative of the whole picture (which would require pages and pages of info, which I'm sure no one wants to read).  I acknowledge it was pretty childish in many ways.

I'm not looking for a double standard.  I've never asked her to stop working.  Not once.  I don't complain to her about it.  If I were free to see her, I would ask her to stop, but I realize I can't right now.  That's why it's so painful.

I do care about her tremendously and I worry about her safety and her well being.  I have a lot of optimism and interest in what she might do if she weren't working.

A lot of people suggested I wasn't ready to handle this situation.  Perhaps not.  I often think that myself.  I think it's a bit trite to suggest that anyone can handle this without challenges.  That's partly what motivated me to post this.  I suppose I just thought anyone else who was in the earlier stages of getting emotionally attached to a provider might want to understand someone else's experience and struggles.

But, as I said before, I'm not the most stable person in the world.

You're involved.  And I just asked you to marry me on my blog.  

Darn my luck.


Harlow Gold

LOL.  I think I'm developing real feelings for you Zn...let's run away together!

I'd be really careful about that one... Unless the gentleman knows asomeone that can get a "molly" there's a good chance he will wind up with whatever is on the street at the time.

Even with that caveat, I'd never advocate something like that unless it's done in a safe or controlled environment...and a meeting with a provider isn't one of those environments.  It puts her at risk too.  Is he supposed to tell her he's popped some X before showing up for the session?