This is not a shaming question, just of curiosity.  Have any of you successfully worked your mind into feeling  that cheating on your wife is acceptable, maybe even good, for your marriage?  The old "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mentality?  Maybe even feeling that this sneaking around is a good thing for all parties?

So I'm part of the process, even though it's not P4P.  And, no, I don't feel bad about it.  She cheats because he makes her feel like shit and they never have sex.    He deserves what he's getting.  And so do I.

Who here WANTS to be cheated on? Hands raised please!

For the guys who only complain about what a hell their marriage is, they're the one's who need to man up and get a divorce. But there are scores of others who are otherwise happy in the life they've built with their SO, except for the sex. Oftentimes, the sex issues creep in over time once kids enter the picture, or due to career pressures or physical/psychological ailments, etc.  

I love my wife; been married for nearly 30 years, get along with her and live with her just fine.   I do care about her and I would be absolutely devastated if something happened to her.   Have great children that all turned out well and some new grandchildren.  Plan to stay married till I die.  

Not all of us hobbyists are married, some of us are very happily divorced and have no intentions on having another GF/BF relationship. I mean honestly, explain the upside?  

She committed to intimate and has not done that for years. I thought it was love, honor and obey! I had no idea you have to put "sex" in the vows.

Angels, civvie and professionals I'd have gotten unhitched long ago. Best of both worlds for all  

... how quickly some here judge others when they have no idea of the situation. You mentioned some scenarios, and of course there's others.  

Was married 30 years. The last 10 with little sex. Started hobbying. Never got caught. She decided she wanted a divorce. Could have tried counseling but then realized why try when there is a good chance she will find out about this sooner or later and then the shit will really hit the fan.

I'd have no problem committing to only having sex with one woman, without the paper of marriage. This way when she stops putting out, I walk away gracefully. But with marriage, when she stops putting out and you want to leave, she gets half your stuff.  

On the other hand, some marriages (like mine) ought to be broken up, and the hobby helped that along by giving my ex the lever she needed to bring a divorce suit.

The utter devestation i caused my wife when she found out i cheated....i would NEVER do that again....and while what i did was WRONG i will say that in the long run it has made us stronger than ever....i cant say others will be as lucky as i am to have such an amazing wife that was willing to give a second chance, but i am so thankful that she did, we are now a part of this hobby together and are loving every minute of it, even though i still feel miserable for what happened i cant say i regret doing it because it gave me my wife back.  .....i dont down anyone that is in this hobby and has a SO that doesnt know, we all have our own cross to bear.....to each their own.   I just wish everyone the best.

For a lady who has never been married, Alyson has a pretty good take on this from my perspective.

It's OK to look outside the relationship to fulfill any other need, such as companionship, emotional support, help in most any other form, but sex is the ONE THING that only one's partner can provide. So what happens when the couple falls out of sync sexually? It's a shame when sex gets used as a weapon in the relationship.

I was married at 25 and a widower at 26 (I'm now 47).  I was only married for a little over 6 months but I can honestly say that if I was still married I would not be in the hobby.  I've only been in the hobby for about 4 years, but its sooooo much easier than dating.  I believe most men hobby because of its convince, a "no strings attached" relationship where all your physical needs are met, who would not want that?  One of my best friends knows I hobby and he doesn't totally understand why I do it.  For me when I date "civilian" woman one of two things happen when I divulge I'm a widower:

Well said Jack.

There may be some rationalized benefits which are quite true, to some extent.

it's "love honor and cherish" thee day sport!

What I say will probably be quite controversial but I have spent a lot of time in the realm of bad marriages and divorces, and while that alone doesn't make me right, perhaps this is something you didn't know

How does being married as kid for 6 months to another kid have anything to do with knowing what your life would be like 20+ years down the road?

Yes, it IS good for all parties. The alternative, divorce or unhappy marriage is BAD for all parties including the kids.

I'm begging you, please don't use him for a piñata.

which is that sex can be an addiction, and when it causes pain in your life, you should turn to organizations such as the 12 step organization, Sexaholics Anonymous for help.

Who here WANTS to be cheated on? That's an over-simplistic question just as asinine as asking: who here wants to die?

Leave it to the self-righteous blowhard windbags who probably never married and never walked a step in a married shoe to pass judgment out of their rear end about something they know shit about

"... But some might look at it and think: as long as he isn't going to leave and I'm still the one he's hanging out with and holding at night, then ok. If the decision came down to: start having sex/more sex with your husband, let him get it elsewhere or divorce, I'm not so sure a large majority would pick divorce. "

I know that in HS going steady for 6 months may have been considered a long term relationship....but to have been married in someones mid-20's for half a year?

Pretty good topic for what I have been battling within recently. I would certainly be on the wagon that believes cheating is wrong and I constantly ask myself why have I recently delved into this hobby. It gets very frustrating to feel that you are always the one chasing for intimacy and never being the one hunted. I guess that's why I finally took the plunge into this crazy world earlier this year. Had a couple rough experiences and some pretty good ones too. Even met someone I see regularly (every week or more) who I seem to really click with (never saw that one coming).

Just so!  I couldn't start seeing hookers until I had worked this out for myself to my own moral satisfaction.  Took me too many years.  Well said!

GOOD ONE!  Likewise in my case.

according to Freud.
I have found it to be very complicated in marriage and in our case about many other things..  
I am happily married and have no interest in a divorce.  I can not live without sex for decades. I will not force my wife to engage in sex if she has no interest.
My solution has been lobbying and for a time sex with friend with benefits. This proved unfair to her as she fell in love and rightly wanted more from me than I could give and still stay married.
So I rely on the hobby.  It keeps my sex drive reasonably satisfied, my happy married life continues, my children and grand children continue to enjoy our stable relationship.
I have no guilt about this, I blame no one because I see no blame to be given.

Just physical intimacy is not. I can tolerate my wife seek male escort with her own  money but not a relationship with some guy.The precise is she can make sure the safety first. I do not want her to get hurt or sick. But that is hard: usually women develop a feeling before sex which means spiritually betraying first. Of course hobbying is immoral and illegal. But I would recite a chinese saying " There are no fish growing in pure water". I am ok with it as long as you shoulder your obligation of taking care of your women and family. Take precautions not to get the std and pass onto your wife. In the last years, I saw providers only a few times. They all happened after either when she denied intimacy after a fight or we were apart for more than a week due to business reason. I still love her and would do my best to keep up our marriage. But I do enjoy some variety for my manhood.

If  your spouse thinks it's cheating and/or you have to hide it from her/him, then yes "it's cheating"  

I appreciate your feedback.  If I read your response right I think it comes down to maybe we are dating totally different kinds of women in our "regular" lives.  Also as I stated it's not like I lead with the fact that I'm a widower on the 1st date, but it does usually come out after a month or 2 of dating, its called getting to know the other person.  Oh BTW....  the Love Story comparison is a new one my friend.

I've been cheated on twice and didn't dig it at all and had never cheated before.  Sex was great when I eats married. That's not why I strayed. We, actually I started going in debt. I had never been in debt my entire life. I even asked her to stop showing her bank statements. She kept on spending. Oh, and I was the only one working at the time Cheating definitely saved me financially and I don't feel bad at all. Sorry I hurt her but I'm much happier.  

I agree with this.  

I did not know the lady was married. It ended up causing a lot of problems with her relationship with her man.

But cheating sure keeps me from committing financial suicide and leaving the marriage.. as others have said, I don't feel any guilt at all... she's the one that decided that sex was for younger people and that "we" no longer needed it.  

Religious fanatics and others who were raised in puritanical culture. Suppose, you don't realize it is perfectly k in many cultures.  

Do you go to the mat to save a marriage and risk all that grief for a possible loss anyways, or just take the path of least resistance and get your sex on the side?

also unutterably sad.  I'd rather commit financial suicide.  Or just plain suicide.

I started hobbying when I knew, after 2 years of no sex in my marriage, that I was done. I was monogamous for 10 years in this one. And 16 years in my first marriage. I got tired of pleasuring  myself, lol, thought I'd invite some others to the party.

While seeing providers is still cheating in every sense of the word, it is different in my opinion, because both parties are basically conducting "business", and feelings and emotions are not involved. When it is an actual affair, this MANY times ends in divorce, because the other person wants something more, and eventually, everything blows up, the wife finds out, and it's either divorce or lots of marriage counseling. With PFP, while if you see someone regularly, and there is some emotional connection because it is inevitable, it is not the same as an actual affair. The lady is there to make a profit, meet new friends, and have fun, and the gent is there to receive something he either no longer receives at home (if married or in a relationship), or doesn't have time for (if single and working a lot). While I do not think it is morally right, I also don't think a wife/gf withholding sex for years is right either....so it's a 2-sided coin.  

Thanks for all the great responses.   Sorry I'm late getting back to this.  All your thoughts and ideas have been helpful.  I've been doing this for 5 years now and the guilt feeling still hasn't really left.  That's in part because it takes a lot of effort to get any hobbying done.  I might take a break and work more on the marriage.  If it doesn't work then the wife and I can divorce and I can hobby with a relatively easy mind.  Later.