I have a question for all of you .Think civi world please.
If given a choice  would you spend your time with someone you get along with famously you like all the same things foods you get the idea , have great sex with and a very smooth calm respectful working relationship in which every part seemed perfect with exception to just one thing you aren't in love either one of you . You are only in very very deep like with the person are great friends repect their opinoins as they do yours  and it is mutual all of it . Or choice number 2, 2 people completely overwhelmed in eachothers company so totally blown away by them and have been for a longtime.Dare i say in love ?There is  very little mutual respect great sex and fighting is in fact the only form of communication that seems to be utilized and you want to reachout and choke someone at least once a week namedly that person.
I realise this is an unusual question for here  but i am really interested in what people think they would do, have done or have experience  . Thank you . OK go Kendall

Re: on choking

Thank you  lol its ok i can take it wink* Kendall

There is no doubt that myself, and dare I say any sane person, would choose the first scenario. It is funny that you would treat love as an uncontrolled feeling rather than an ability and a gift. The chemical combustion that you describe in the second part of you thread is nothing more that the description of two dysfunctional people sharpening their egos against each other.
Reading this makes me wonder if you might be struggling with trying to justify an unhealthy relationship that either you or a dear friend might be involved with? If so, run don't walk away. You are better off alone than to spend time with someone that "There is  very little mutual respect great sex and fighting is in fact the only form of communication that seems to be utilized and you want to reach out and choke someone at least once a week namedly that person." I know the adrenaline can be quite addictive, but try something less dangerous like sky-diving.
H

Lust is great and can be really really powerful but it's not love. Lust is more fun.
But when you said "dare I say love" you probably shouldn't.  The first option is love without lust and the second is lust without love. If your talking long term...
Go with option one and see if lust can be kindled or if you can see a lust worthy provider every once in a while.
Many many of us do.

For anyone that might be contemplating sceneario number 2, I suggest that you check out Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf and decided after you've seen that.

so the question is, which would you rather get bored of?

Actually, I think #1 allows enough slack that half-assed smart people have a fair chance of keeping from being bored.

So I'm for #1.  Already divorced 1 psycho, & that's enough for a lifetime, thank you!

#one.  #2 scenerio is too stressful to be healthy over a long period of time.

or short period of time.

sounds WAY too much like my "previous" life...and the "blown away, and the great sex evaporate quickly ...and the only thing left to choke is "your chicken"  In fact the only difference between my marriage, and my wife is that the marriage STILL SUCKS!!!  

I would have to go with choice one.  While the payoff might not be ideal (friends instead of being in love), it still seemes much better than choice two.

Thank you everyone who reponded .Clearly all agree on  number 1 here lol.
The thing that pops into my head is the would you marry for money or love and i know most would feel they should say love ok me lol , so it becomes a strange place to think that one should run from love.
However about a year and half ago i did just that ran out of the relationship that had me feeling things i hadn't felt before and eventually meeting a person who is just a wonderful man.
My reason for the question is the other day at my door appears bachelor number two with an engagement ring telling me he can not do this anymore , he is in love with me and it hurts him not to be with me . Wants to grow old , get this wants to sit in a friggin rocking chair lmao next to me . He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he doesnt understand at all how i could possibly not want it as we both feel tremendous emotion amoung other things when we are together .
Days can be great and then out of nowhere he fights like a lepracan with a fire in his a$$ .So I denied him again for the 400th time . It was truly difficult .  I have been questioning myself for days wondering am i making the biggest mistake of my life.I might be .In the years i know him the feeling never went away it never even faded a bit . I do think i might cut an ear off if i had to hear his banter for the rest of my life though. So we stay with the safe choice and throw love to the side again. Thanks again guys and dolls. Kendall

but who ever said we were all rational.

I would hazard a guess that choice number one has lead many a man to the hobby, while choice number two has lead many of the same men to jail, mental instutions, etc. lol

I know this is an either or question, but after liveng through both of scenarios, I would not choose either one of these scenarios again. The first is boring like my one and only marriage, the second is gut wrenching, though at least not boring.

I'll my life the way it is, civvie date a little, hobby a lot. lol Works for me.

Sorry I'm a little confused on this one... In scenario 1# how could you not be in love the person who gives you so much pleasure on so many levels.(Friends??) In scenario 2# that's not love it's addiction seriously. Sex is a very emotional act in fact sex sets off all kind of feel good or bad depending on the specifics of the act real time emotions witch directly affect the heart and mind. So I would suggest you do has you have and keep looking at why you are so attracted to this person. Surely one could never truly be happy with a person how brings out such angry and possible violence in you. I don't see passing up on that kind of life a mistake.

I am completely nonviolent but it can be extremely exhausting to be in relationship number 2 .Which is why i backed out. As far as how can you not be in love with number one? Number one and i ask ourselves and eachother than regularly. We don't know why every possible piece someone would need for a relationship is  there and yet really you feel like friends with benefits and in fact best friends . I hate to say it but i love him im not in love neither is he. You don't need to be in love to have great sex clearly.... I think you dont pick who you love really .Realistically speaking the feelings with number 2 are so intense maybe it is an addiction of sorts but it wouldn't be becuase of tons of sex ,just passion . Sex i don't have a problem with *wink* in any senario . Maybe it is time for a choice number three. Any applicants lmao . Kendall

Since the #2 choice pretty much describes my first marriage, #1 sounds much more enjoyable. By the time, as you said, fighting becomes the only means of communication, the "madly in love" feeling has diminished to the point of only tolerating each other. Oddly enough, after we parted company, we eventually became "friends" again. We actually get together for dinner every time I go back home for a visit.

Run....Don't walk to scenario #1.  I live Scenario #2 and that's why I and probably a huge amount of TER members are here.  I am STUCK in #2 because of my 2 year old.  I could leave to chase my past happiness of #1 but I'd miss seeing my son grow up every day in MY house. There are reasons for having to tolerate #2. Love is extremely overrated in my opinion.  Good luck Amazonian!

If there is no respect, there can be no boundries and no trust or true love. So I would guess if those were my only choices, I'd go for the other choice, first case. There has to be respect and I will never be in a relationship where fighting is your form of communication. Its just not healthy for either party.

I would prefer to wait til I found the guy who was all the good things you wanted, sweet trusting respectful even tempered and one you would not battle with. There is love such as this out there, you sound like you are settling. Do not settle. You have to believe that you are worth it for others to see that as well. ( by the way...You ARE worth it!!)

Nicole

-- Modified on 6/6/2008 12:08:26 PM

A long relationship, marriage, whatever, is both. Moments of infatuation followed by banal bickering followed by infatuation. Every couple I ever met in which one or both claimed to be deeply in love ended quickly. I guess the question is which scenario is preferred? Neither are possible for more than a year.

Last night I couldn't stop thinking about this thread. I started getting very stressed out thinking that the word love was used in situation #2.
Love is not a feeling. Have I already said that? Love is a gift that you choose to give and receive.
So, I propose option 3. Learn to love yourself. You will recognize the fact that you love yourself when you feel worthy enough to accept the love of a person who respects and cares for you. It doesn't have to be guy #1. I am sure there are plenty of nice guy #1s to choose from who will turn you on. The thing is that you will absolutely have no interest in wasting one more moment on any guy who resembles guy #2. You will realize that he is toxic and you are way too good for him. You wont be attracted to drama and pain. You will edify yourself with beautiful people that adore you, because you adore you.
The fact that you are even intrigued by guy number 2 shows that you are in no position to find a man until you believe you are worthy of someone very special.

How bout you have learned to love and accept yourself, conquered all your unhealthy motives for seeking a relationship such that the choice is conscious rather than based on deep tapes from the past.  

Then you find you can give and receive love without losing yourself.

And you can find someone who has learned to love themself and conquered their demons enough to be able to give and receive love without losing their self.

Is it possible to find a pair of people that love and respect each other and can let each other be who they are and appreciate them for the good and bad?

I hope so- am certainly working on the demons and self love with that hope in mind!

Thank you Heather and everyone who took the time to respond. I appreciate you sharing your perspectives . Heather i am sorry you lost any sleep or stressed at all over this.Too kind really .
I have to say i was surprised at some of the responses. The thought that love is only an action  and choice is a bit odd to me. I feel it is an interaction that is a catalyst to an action. What I see you as speaking of is loving. Using love as a verb or description of what love does not what love is.The word love has clearly deluded many from inception myself included. I believe there is a feeling involved that is needed to sustain the action of loving someone .The choice you talk about is cited in the breakup 1.5 yrs prior when  i chose not to give or accept  love to or from the #2 person anymore .However this choice had no affect on the feelings of either party .Someone felt neither relationship could last more than a year both have actually ...Although i am not sure how great that was either .not looking for a badge on that one .
In latin translation of  love does in fact traslate to something closer to what you have depicted than what I relate to love. Although  a more modren look it is both a noun and a verb.
I feel there is an emotion invloved , it emotes feeling  .For me to think what i think of as love reduced to lust or craving or a sexually charged urge , stroking egos etc  is sad. . If it was devoid of feeling what would be my motivation? It would be like eating without taste. When I love someone what is in their best interest is what i want most for them . In lust it is a selfish motivation.
It was very dear of you to concern yourself with my relationship with myself . I feel i can say without hestitaion I have myself squared away .I have "worked" on my own issues and am quite happy with myself actually. I say this without being defensive it just is a fact .The thing i was interested in is if you, as a group, had a feeling that was produced by a chemical attrraction after a few years of being with someone and then awhile away from them the feeling had not subsided is it something worth looking into or walking away from , again. The fact that this person has anger issues is certainly an issue for concern in this case ,
Do you want to feel like you have been swept away by a wave of emtion ? Would you rather rest safe in your lounge chair with very little surprises and not have the range of emotion and intensity that you would say with someone else. I do hope i can find someone who can with me feel love and give love ,accept love and truly be in love together.Kendall