that was written below....

Sadly, the other day, I found out that a friend of mine had lamented that he wished to hang out with me more, but alas, his wife objected.... he did not say that to me, but rather to someone else who he did not know would tell me....

are you like that if married - that you had to get permission to hang out with certain guys?  - especially unmarried guys?  just a question...

but of course I see a all relationships as intrinsically temporary......

Before my wife died, if she had expressed disapproval of one of my friends, I would have tended to minimize contact with the person.  It never came up, but maybe I would have tried to examine whether there was a rational basis for her feelings.  When I took the vow to forsake all others, however, that vow included people who made my wife uncomfortable, male or female, social, sexual or otherwise.  


I'm probably going to get the wimp treatment now, but that's what the sanctity of marriage meant to me when I was blessed to have one.



-- Modified on 2/2/2009 2:50:08 PM

were the ones I hung out with... just easier... but had I known then - what I know now... would I have behaved any differently- probably not... as I did want the marriage to work... I really did.

I had several friends that my first wife didn't approve of, but I brought them home anyway. That's the sort of thing that people do when they drink. Oddly enough, the one that she dissaproved of the most was the one that she wound up having an affair with, and ultimately married him.

I miss him.

i think it makes a great deal of sense actually.

All depends on Why she does not like your friend actually.
Is it a founded reason or she doesn't like him. Or is that just her way and her personality.

I have never been one to impose my "rule" if you will. I am very easy going so I know also we are not going to be thrilled with our mates friends always, but thats a part of our mate their peers and what not. Some times tolerence has to be displayed on all sides to keep the peace and allow all to just be themselves.  I may not see
what he sees in someone but I trust his judgement so it is what it is.  I don't have to like all his friends just respect him enough accept that he likes the friends he likes. And visa versa.

Believe me some of them are purely Idiots...but he has strong friendships  ( for whatever reason)
so its all good.

And if he knew about some of my "friends" God knows he would Not approve. lol

-- Modified on 2/2/2009 3:06:06 PM

It is most often the woman who invites friends over for dinner, chats with her friends about the kids, drags hubby along to various functions, and is often jealous of female friends.  Neither wife has succeeded in in controlling my social life, but, unless I am careful, that could be the effect. I have maintained friends with benefits etc by careful effort to establish that I have friends in different cities and see them frequently.I fdo have some and to keep things comfortable, I will arrange events where she will meet thos who are appropriate. Fortunately she has a full and exciting career and many of her friends.  (Gd I hope she is having an affair on the side.)

it wasn't until after we were divorced, and they had gotten married, that I found out that it was ME that was the bad influence on HIM. And all those years I thought it was the other way around.

Communication

My SO has interests besides me. As much as we are always together he needs to be himself with his friends and his toys.
When I was married my husband caught up with an old Army buddy. His buddy was single. Now that, led to problems.

For me it is important in a relationship to maintain yourself. Keep your separate interests, but share interests. Blend all of this together. You reap the rewards. I remember when I was married. I stopped all the stuff that I loved. Sure I was busy, mothering and working but my other loves just ended. Books, running, tennis. Friends. People are so insecure and jealous they think your friends and interests will take you away from them. I learned not to let anyone stop me from living.

now, my  14 yr old son is amazed that not only do I ski, but I ski well - and he begs me to take him... as he realizes that we share that -

That realization of a shared love, would never have happened while married... she just would not allow it.

Although you learn from your mistakes I did pick a lady who didn't rule my life. Unfortunately on the other end I didn't pick the best sex buddy, thus why I've taken to the hobby!!

I would not tolerate her telling me what type of friends I have but I would never tell her who she could pick either.

I didn't have to get permission but my soon-to-be- ex wife always made it quite clear who she liked me hanging out with and who she didn't.  Over a period of time one tends to give-in simply to keep the peace.

LOL, I'm done giving in...

I would expect some of that from younger wives and SO's, but if you are in your 30's or 40's+ and put up with that, you need to stop the estrogen flow to your brain. Seriously.

She wanted nothing to do with my friends, our only friends were the ones she picked.  I didn't realize it when we were married, but she was a control freak.

No f'n way would that happen again, which is probably why I have no intention of getting married again.

Hobbying is so much easier.

Swim

(Especially when their husband leaves the house in assless-chaps...)

If you're someone who likes institutions!!!

But that doesn't mean I'd want to be in there either!

"Forsaking all others" is a very important covenant in the marriage vows.
A spouse need not be manipulative or a control freak to serendipitously limit or marginalize their mates social circle(s)