I often see the residue of a daughter's divided loyalties toward her parents in her choice of romantic partners.

While many women select men who somehow resemble Dad, how they relate to them - how they behave toward a man - calls up their early recollection of their parents' marriage.  And if it was conflicted or hostile or terminated, the daughter will, in her relationships with men, seek to pick up the disparate pieces.

She may choose a lover who is a mother substitute, or a lover who is a father substitute, or a combination of both:  a man like her father to whom she behaves like her mother.  By being true to both parents in this way, she can set herself up for romantic loss.  And so a daughter's divided loyalties to the parents who failed her can haunt her adult life - and her future children's lives.

But so also do the undivided loyalties of the daughter who has been well loved by both mother and father - whether or not their own marriage survived - pave the way for her to make healthy romantic choices.

It helps enormously to have had a loving mother.  Mothers can give their daughters permission to love their fathers.  Mothers can help their daughters feel good about becoming mothers.  Mothers can help their daughters learn the value of openness and female friendships, especially when times are bad.

A mother can make up for many things - but she cannot replace the father when it comes to how her daughter feels about herself in her imtimate connections with men.  In a daughter's interaction with a lover, in her sexual responsiveness and capacity to trust a man, there a mother cannot help, no matter how much wise counsel she may give or how much she roots for father-daughter affection.

In matters of the adult daughter's romantic, heterosexual heart, the most important thing is this:

Whether or not her father was lovingly involved in her life.

Fathers of daughters should see providers to stay balanced good fathers so that their daughters will grow up and meet nice men just like dad?

-- Modified on 3/30/2004 1:35:02 PM

but I am certain that it will not prevent him from being a "good enough" father.  I plan to post more about the characteristics of fathers who are "good enough", which is all that any father needs to be to raise an emotionally healthy daughter.

I appreciate that you may have something to say, but are you really qualified to be makeing these generalizations?

In  your words, I hear a man who may have messed things up with his daughter? Maybe someone who wished that they could go back and fix what was broken?

Maybe you are a woman who is dissapointed with their father?
Now I admit I am not a qualified expert on you. Only you can speak for yourself.

Tell us what makes you so qualified?